It's difficult being 24 years old with no real friends. Everyone I have ever given the title of 'friend' stabbed me in the back in one way or another. I've always been the type of friend that would do anything for my friends; give them everything I have to offer even if that means I have nothing left for myself. To me, that's what a friend does. A friend is someone who you can depend on, a friend is someone who gives just because they want to see you happy. A friend is someone who has your back and your best interest at heart. I was that friend to everyone I let into my life, but I can't say I ever had someone like that. I didn't realize until after I moved from my hometown to Toronto that I was a better friend to others than they were to me.

I was the kind of friend that would do anything for those I called friends, but for them, I was a friend of 'convenience.' I was a backup plan when they had nothing better to do. I was the punching bag, the doormat, someone they could use and abuse and had no problem doing so because they knew I'd put up with it and there'd be no consequences. I was the kind of friend that they'd be nice to when it was just us, but when we were around others, they treated me very differently. I had 'friends' lie to me, use me, steal from me, take and take until I had nothing left, and I don't just mean material either.

So what do I mean by that? Well, now, I'm 24 years old with zero friends and major trust issues. I'm scared to open up, I'm scared to let people in and I'm scared to let someone close enough to hurt me. Even when I do feel safe enough to let someone in, I always have doubts that their genuine, I feel like perhaps they have a hidden agenda, or that they too will see me as a friend of convenience, the friend they'll talk to and hang out with when the people they'd really rather be with are busy or their plans fall through.

This was really only proven once I moved from Mississauga to Toronto. I had ended up so depressed that I dropped out of school. I never told anyone I planned on doing so. One day I just stopped going, and not a single one of them bothered to send me a text, call me or message me on facebook to find out where I had been, why I wasn't coming to school, if I was okay or if I was even alive... This left me feeling empty, like the only ones I could really trust was my family and even then, sometimes they let me down too.

To be honest, my entire social life is entirely cyber. It's easier for me to feel less vulnerable about people I don't know in the real world. Outside of family, the only social interactions I have is with those I meet online through the games I play or Wattpad and even then, not many of these people have earned the title of 'friend.' Even those I have given that title to I have a hard time trusting and opening up to, and it sucks because I want to but since these are currently the only people I have, I can't put myself in a vulnerable place that way in case they do ever walk away, I'd be less hurt.
I feel like my entire social life can be summed up by the song Too Good at Goodbyes by Sam Smith.