Panic rose around me
Engulfing my head in a halo of
Smoke.
I couldn't watch clearly. Unclearly of
Where I'm heading or what I'm
Saying, I stood there dumb struck in the
Shadow realm.
Silent as though there's no one. And
Indeed there is no one.
For I'm here alone after so many
Years.
The shadows o' void; o' loneliness
Are trying to tiptoe dance in my
World.

I do not know what is it that I feel;
What outcome has birthed it :
Is it the sheer isolation I have been in
With my walls down yet no-one
Around.
I clamped in an empty white space
Carrying the burdens of responsibility ,
Trauma, Fears and Dejected love on my
Spine unable to make sense of what is it
That eats away in my forest & decays
My fruits.

Is it the mistake of sipping the cup of
Vulnerabili-tea, giving in and being a
Fragile mirror.
To hold or cause slivers; to feel
Love and have it snatched away.

Is it the haunting of my enemies and
Ghosts that has started to take a toll on
My moon - mind.
Is it the ghosts with their claws,
Shrieking in my face, their marks on
My body.
Or is it the intruder sneaking its way
In telling me he loves me only to
Disappear as a phantom leaving its
Victim a torn leaf.

What is it?
I cannot decipher.
My mind is in a state of dismantled
Rubic cube. Each square a different
Colour hidden in another corner.
Loose and separate, drawing me onto
Unparalleled edges.
Making me question as though it's a
Philosophy and I'm meant to study
Myself as a subject whilst taking care
Of needs of others.

These last 8 months have been an
Array of changing seasons on a loop.
Each season showing itself again &
Again.
A record of adrenaline, happiness &
Uncertainty going on.
Maybe its the isolation making me
Float in a white cloud while everything
Around me is in a constant phase of
Evolution.

There's an evolution happening
Inside me.
All circles within me are breaking,
New patterns are emerging.
The red, blue, black is washing away
From my mind.
In its place, various shades of whites,
Yellow, orange, royal red are taking
Birth in form of fresh flowers.
The old ecosystem is breaking,
A new garden is taking its place.
A garden full of fresh - brand new
Plants and flowers.

Maybe this is the catharsis of it all
Flowing out from the tap.
All of it – the mucky waters of
Darkness crashing & falling a final
Time in rain.
A final thunder before the everlasting
Calm.
An isolation ending,
An evolution beginning.

-Ridhima Joshi