Richie Tozier was ten when he first woke up in a cold sweat. He scrambled for his glasses that were tucked away on his night stand. He let out deep breaths as he wrestled the plastic frames onto his face. He dug under his blanket and pulled out a stupid ratty rabbit that he'd had since he was a child. He hugged it to his face and breathed in, feeling himself slowly calm down. His racing heart steadied as he carefully laid back down.

Richie squeezed his eyes shut, willing the tears not to come. It was the dreams again, although they weren't exactly nightmares. They were dreams about soft hands and warm smiles and arms that hugged him. Boys to be exact. That was the bad part, he wasn't supposed to be having those thoughts about boys. He was supposed to like girls, he was supposed to want to kiss girls and hold their hands but he didn't want to.

Ten year old Richie Tozier brushed it off as just nightmares, but if he held his rabbit closer to his chest as he slept well that was no ones business but his own. 

_____

When Richie turned eleven he had a birthday party. Well, if you could even call it that. They'd piled into the clubhouse and swapped comic books and ate a bag of chips that Bev managed to swipe from the convenience store. Richie had taken the only open chair and Eddie had tried to push him off with the force of his whole barely ninety pound body which did nothing against Richie's taller and heavier frame.

"Face it, you're small Eds." Richie grinned as he crossed his arms over his chest.

"Beep-Beep Richie," Eddie snapped as he huffed out a sigh of defeat and threw one of his legs over Richie's, deciding that they were going to share the chair. "And don't call me that."

Richie felt his face heat up as he looked at the place where Eddie's thigh was pressed against his. He stomach felt weird as Eddie pushed closer to him, trying to keep balanced on the chair. His hand tangled in the back of Richie's hawaiian shirt and his sneakers tapped against his calf.

Richie felt a weird twisty feeling in his stomach and he looked over at Bill, trying not to think about how it felt nice to have Eddie close like that. He wanted to intertwine their hands and hug him, like the boys in his dream. He didn't like Eddie like that, he couldn't, it was wrong. He should have been staring at Bev like Bill and Ben did and sometimes even Stan when he thought no one was looking. Bev was pretty...gorgeous even...but she just wasn't Eddie.

_____

It all got more complicated when Richie was twelve. Besides murdering a killer clown in the sewer, he was a little too into Eddie at that point. He'd snuck away to the kissing bridge to carve R+E into the wood, smiling like it would make it possible. At this point he knew, no amount of wishing the dreams away or covering up the fact that he was staring at Eddie with a crude joke about his mom could hide the feelings that now made sense. He didn't like the word, he didn't like saying it because it was scary. Yeah he was still terrified of clowns, but it wasn't just clowns, he was terrified of his own feelings and Penn- IT had thrown it in his face. It floated around his head constantly, like a reminder that he'd always be scared. When the losers were standing in the circle, cuts deep in their hands, blood running together, hypochondriac germaphobe Eddie didn't even say anything. Richie's heart was pounding. He could say it out loud. He could tell them all then. He almost did, his mouth slowly opened a bit, but before he could say anything Stan cracked a joke and his little bit of courage was gone. They filtered out one by one; his heart got heavier as each member left, it would be the last time he would see his friends for a while. Bev was moving far, everyone was leaving.

"I have to get home before my mom puts out a search warrant for me," Eddie said softly, making Richie look up.

"Yeah I gotta go too," he said as he stood up and dusted his hands off on his shorts. "I'll walk you home Eds."

Eddie rolled his eyes, but didn't protest as they waved a final goodbye to their friends and started home.

"I won't see you for a while," Eddie admitted as they started walking down the street.

Richie threw his arm around him. "That's okay Eddie Spaghetti, I know you'll think about me everyday."

Eddie rolled his eyes and pushed Richie off the best he could. "Beep beep Richie."

Richie looked at the smaller boy next to him, he would miss him, he would miss him a lot. He would miss all of them a lot. He didn't want to leave, but he knew he had to, he needed to be away from Derry.

"You think we'll all still be friends?" Richie asked quietly.

Eddie looked almost shocked at his tone because well, Richie Tozier was never serious.

"I think so," Eddie said as he looked at the passing houses. "Why wouldn't we be?"

Richie shrugged. "Promise you'll visit."

"As long as you don't call me Eds."

They were quiet as they neared Eddie's house. Richie felt his heart rate pick up and his hands sweat.

"Eddie!" Richie called as he watched as the boy gave him a sad smile and turn to his house.

"Yeah?"

Richie's words caught in his throat, his chest hurt and he couldn't breathe.

"Tell your mom I'll miss her, I know she won't get sweet lovin like this anywhere else."

Eddie held up a middle finger at him as he disappeared into his house.

Richie let out a defeated sigh as he started his slow walk back to his house. Who knew that the infamous Trashmouth was just a terrified little boy with a massive crush on his best friend.

Yeah, this is the story of the seemingly unrequited love of Richie Tozier.