ZEN

I'm sitting on a stool in front of my blank canvas. For the past days Professor Martinez taught us of different oil painting techniques and now we're here in class to paint a simple one. Kailangan naming ipinta ang vase na nakapatong sa mesa na puno ng mga pulang rosas. We can use any techniques that suits our taste according to him.

Actually, painting with a model is quite easy. My problem now isn't painting a model but the individual project. Because I can't think of something important to me. Something I don't want to forget. I'm already racking my brain for nights but there's nothing coming into mind.

I need some inspirations but I can't find it. Now I'm doubting myself if this art is really for me.

"Lola... Nakakunot na naman ang noo mo," pang-aasar ni Rozend na nagpabalik sa katinuan ko. Sumimangot ako at tiningnan siya nang masama. Ngumiti lang siya sa 'kin at muling bumalik sa ginagawang pagpipinta.

I'm sitting next to him and I noticed that he's already sketching the table and vase with his skillful hands. His hand movements are so smooth that I kind of envy him. As if he's really certain of what he's doing. There's no doubt and worry with his every brush stroke. He's really cut for this. He's born to be a painter.

And I feel like I can watch him all day while he's painting. It's a magnificent and mesmerizing sight to see.

Tumigil siya sa ginagawa nang mapansin na nakatingin lang ako sa bawat galaw ng mga kamay niya.

"Lola... medyo nahihiya ako sa ginagawa mong panonood," saad niya sa 'kin. Nahihiyang ngumiti siya sa 'kin pero napansin kong nakangiti ang mga mata niya.

"Because you're good at painting," seryosong saad ko.

"I'm a little embarrass when you're complimenting me. You can just go back to your old self. I don't mind. I will still accept you with all my heart," he said with a teasing grin.

Inirapan ko siya bago ako nag-iwas ng tingin sa kanya. I started to sketch the table and the vase and its red roses. My hands skillfully traced every edge of the image in front of me. I started to apply paints to recreate the color of the table, the vase and the rose's stems and petals.

Natigilan ako nang mapansin kong nakatingin si Rozend sa ginagawa ko. Masamang tingin ang ipinukol ko sa kanya.

"Problema mo?" pagtataray ko.

"You're good at painting too," he said with a smile. "I can watch you all day."

"Mag-paint ka na nga lang!" inis na bulong ko.

Nakangiting bumalik siya sa pagpipinta at hindi na ako kinulit. When I'm almost done, I put down my brush and take a deep breath. I decided to go to the bathroom first because I need a break. Sumasakit na rin ang likod at leeg ko sa pagpipinta. Lumabas ako ng silid-aralan at naglakad habang pinagmamasdan ang mga murals sa pader. Napansin kong may mga lalaking tumatakbo sa hallway. I noticed the musical instruments they're carrying in their backs and hands.

"Ouch!" malakas na daing ko nang may bumangga sa 'kin.

A guy carrying a guitar case in his back who is running in the hallway stopped and apologetically look at me.

"I'm sorry, Miss. Are you hurt?" His eyes scanned me, looking for any damages he might had caused. He's a good-looking one with his ash-brown hair and his brown eyes look at me with worry.

Umiling ako. "I'm fine."

He smiled at me. "That's great. I'm sorry that we're running in the hallways. Are you from here? I mean in this town Serene? Are you an official student here in Serenity?"

I'm not really sure if I should answer his questions but it doesn't seem like he meant anything bad about it. Maybe he's just curious. "No. I'm just here for the summer camp. I'm not an official student yet. And yes. I'm from Serene."

"Ah I see. I'm from Serene too but I'm not a student of Serenity. I'm studying engineering in a University away from Serene. But we're here for the music workshop since we're not doing anything cool this summer," he said with a smile. "What workshop are you in?"

He's way too open but it doesn't make me uncomfortable. "Ahm. Painting?" nag-aalangang sagot ko. Napansin ko rin ang ilang pinta na kumalat sa mga kamay ko.

"That's cool," he said with a fascinated smile.

Natigilan kami nang may sumigaw sa hallway. "Ram! Hoy! Ramlhey!" May lalaking tumakbo sa direksiyon namin at kinausap siya. "Ano na? Late na tayo!"

Natigilan naman ang lalaking may mahabang buhok nang mapansin ako. "Loko ka brad! Inuna mo pa talaga ang babae," saad niya at kinutusan si Ramlhey. The guy turned to me with an apologetic smile. "Sorry ha. Nagmamadali na kasi kami. Hiramin ko muna si Ram." Hindi na niya hinintay ang sagot ko at hinila na niya palayo si Ramlhey.

Ramlhey apologetically smiled at me and said. "See you around, Miss!"

Hindi ko alam kung paano magre-react pero pilit akong ngumiti na nauwi sa isang ngiwi. Ipinagpatuloy ko na ang paglalakad nang lumiko sila sa isang hallway.

"Who's that?" Halos mapatalon ako sa gulat nang biglang sumulpot si Rozend sa gilid ko.

And with his question, I guess he saw the guys talking to me a while ago. "I don't know their names," kibit-balikat na sagot ko.

"One of those guys seems interested at you," komento niya.

"It's just your imagination," I said while rolling my eyes.

"I don't think so. Mukhang may pag-asa ka ng magka-boyfriend, Lola," he teased.

"I'm just seventeen, Rozend," paalala ko sa kanya.

"Fourteen years old nga nagkaka-boyfriend na eh," giit niya.

"Whatever," I said. Pumasok na ako sa loob ng CR para hindi na niya ako masundan.

Nang lumabas ako sa CR, naghihintay pa rin sa 'kin si Rozend. Bumalik kami sa classroom upang ipagpatuloy ang pagpipinta para maipasa na rin namin kay Professor Martinez ang artwork namin bago umuwi.

"What are your plans tomorrow?" he suddenly asked. It's Wednesday today and tomorrow we can start our individual or by pairs projects.

Alas tres pa lang ng hapon at naglalakad na kami ni Rozend patungo sa parking lot matapos naming maipasa kay Professor Martinez ang paintings namin. Natigilan ako sa paglalakad dahil sa tanong niya.

I suddenly remember all my problems. Nag-aalangang tumingala ako sa kanya.

"I need help," I said with worry.

"About?" he asked with a kind smile.

"About this individual project thing. I can't think of anything important to me. Something I don't want to forget. It's like I don't have any inspirations at all and even if I rack my brains or poke holes on it, nothing's coming out. I feel so lost, so empty," I answered honestly.

He chuckled heartily when he heard my oddness. "Inspiration isn't something you can force, Zen. Sometimes, it is something sudden. It is something that suddenly tugs your heartstrings but not in purpose. Alright. Let's try this, Zen. Try to look around here and look for things that inspire you."

"Okay," I answered obediently. I looked around the parking space. Well, all I see are cars and some people walking around. I look at the trees but they are so common. I look up at the bright blue sky but I don't think it is something I don't want to forget although I love it very much. I'm looking for something deep and meaningful. It has to be deep and meaningful, right? Nang tumingin ako kay Rozend, umiling ako.

"Nothing inspires you?" he asked softly.

"Nothing." I said with a sad smile.

"Alright. Try to look at me," he persuaded me. And I stared at him straight in the eyes. And I wonder why I have to look at him. Unti-unting nagsalubong ang mga kilay ko. He smiles widely at me. "Am I not inspiring enough?"

I suddenly rolled my eyes. Wala sa sariling kinurot ko siya sa tagiliran na ikinadaing niya.

"Lola, 'wag mo akong kurutin, madali akong magkapasa," he said with a low laugh.

Inirapan ko siya at binitawan. Hindi agad ako naniwalang nagkapasa siya pero bahagya niyang itinaas ang t-shirt niya at napansin kong may pasa nga siya sa parteng kinurot ko. "Oh, sorry."

"Well, it's alright. I don't mind the bruises if it comes from you," he said with a sincere smile.

Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. "Are you hitting on me?" nagdududang tanong ko sa kanya. Well I don't really mean the question. I just want to tease him a little.

"I can't even if I want to," he answered directly with a serious look on his face.

"Ha? What?" gulat na tanong ko. I don't know what he means by that.

"Nothing. We should visit Elaine's grave. Maybe you'll find something inspiring," he suggested and patted my head lightly. Ipinagpatuloy na niya ang paglalakad at naguguluhang sumunod ako sa kanya. "I'll drive," he even said. Tahimik na ibinigay ko sa kanya ang susi ng Ford pickup ko.

Nang makasakay kami sa pickup, nagsalita siya. "While I'm driving, look outside the window and find something that piques your interest, alright? Maybe you just need to pay attention to your surroundings and the people around you."

Ikinabit ko ang seatbelt at sumang-ayon sa suhestiyon niya. He drives the car to the cemetery. Hindi siya mabilis magpatakbo dahil mukhang hinahayaan niya akong pagmasdan ang bawat parte ng Serene na dinadaanan namin.

Unfortunately, my mind is wondering on what he had said earlier and I can't focus on the surroundings. Even though the scenery is green and refreshing, my mind won't function. My mind is in chaos. What does he mean by 'I can't even if I want to'? It's too vague to even jump into conclusion. And I don't want to assume anything.

Hindi ko na namalayan na tumigil na pala kami sa harap ng sementeryo. I suddenly panicked. Wala akong nahanap na inspiring. I suddenly screamed inside my head for help!

I turn to Rozend with panic in my eyes.

"Wala pa rin?" he asks softly.

Umiling ako. Well, I'm a little guilty that my head is full of him. "Wala."

"Okay lang 'yan. Dalhin mo ang drawing pad at pencil mo. You can bring your strip of papers and ballpen too. Let's head to Elaine's grave," he said with a comforting smile. Kinuha niya ang drawing pad at pencil niya sa loob ng backpack. Kinuha ko rin ang mga gamit ko at dumiretso na kami sa puntod ni Elaine.

Umupo ako sa harap ng puntod ni Elaine. I noticed that the bonsai is growing.

"Here. You can look around. Sketch the things you find interesting. Or if you really can't find something inspiring, don't drain yourself. You can just talk to that bonsai tree. Write your thoughts for now," he instructed. "I'll sketch too."

Nag-aalangang tumango ako sa kanya. I tried to sketch the bonsai tree but I don't think this is something inspiring though. I noticed that Rozend is sketching something. I wonder what it is. I draw the sky and the trees and even Elaine's grave until I finally give up.

Wala sa sariling kinuha ko ang mga strip of papers at nagsulat na ng mga iniisip ko.

Elaine, I joined the Summer Camp. But I'm still in doubt if I really belong here.

We're painting in school and it is fun. Really fun.

What does it mean to have something you don't want to forget? Actually, you're one of the things I don't want to forget, Elaine.

Inspiration isn't something you can force. (Coming from a great philosopher sitting next to me.)

Isa-isa kong itinali ang mga iniisip ko sa kanang bahagi ng bonsai.

I feel like a blank canvas, clean but without meaning.

Itinali ko ito sa gitnang bahagi ng bonsai.

Rozend stops sketching and closes his drawing pad. He checks out what I have written. He smiled when he read my notes and tied it back to the bonsai tree. He borrowed my pen and wrote something on a strip of paper. He tied his thoughts in the middle part of the bonsai tree.

If you're a blank canvas, then you're my starting point.

Sumimangot ako nang mabasa ko ito. May itinali rin siya sa kaliwang parte ng bonsai na hindi ko maaaring basahin. I'm really curious now.

"If you're troubled by the individual project, let's start with the by pairs project tomorrow. Maybe we should visit the hill and watch the sunset there," he said. He's smiling down at me and I can't even refuse his suggestion because I think it's easier to do the by pairs project. At least I have a specific model.

Wala sa sariling tumango ako. "Thanks, Rozend," nakangiting saad ko. I really mean it.

"No problem, Lola," he said with a wide smile. "Basta ikaw."

***

Author's Note:

Thanks to these wonderful book covers!

Shaira:

Denise Jean: