ZEN

I'm already about to go to the university for my summer class but Rozend is still not here. I'm a little troubled if I should text him or what. Napansin naman ni Mama ang pag-aalala sa mukha ko habang tinitingnan ang loob ng bag ko at sinisiguradong wala akong naiwan na gamit.

"Hindi pa rin bumabalik sina Rozend?" nag-aalangang tanong niya.

Marahan akong umiling. Yesterday is a dark, cloudy day for me but today it's already rainy. The sun is covered by dark heavy clouds.

"Wala ba siyang nabanggit sa 'yo? Baka nasa bakasyon o may binisita silang kamag-anak?"

Pilit akong ngumiti kay Mama. "It's alright, Ma. Papasok na po ako sa school."

Marahang tumango si Mama at humalik ako sa pisngi niya. I drive my Ford pickup but I give a final glance at Rozend's house on the side mirror, wishing that he will suddenly pop out of nowhere and he will come to school together with me. But that's only my wishful thinking. Hindi siya lumabas ng bahay. Wala siya sa Serene.

Habang naglalakad sa hallway ng school building, hindi ko alam kung paano ako kikilos. Nasanay akong kasabay sa paglalakad si Rozend. Nasanay ako sa pangungulit niya sa kabila ng maikling panahong pagkakakilala namin.

I don't have to talk to anyone because I have him by my side but today is a different one. I'm a little sad. I hate to admit it but I miss him. I miss him that the rain suddenly pours in my life because he's gone.

Nang pumasok ako sa classroom, pilit akong ngumiti sa mga kaklase ko pero pakiramdam ko, hindi ito natural. I feel awkward. I suddenly feel that I don't belong here.

And then I suddenly realize that I'm relying too much on Rozend for my own happiness. Maybe I'm the one in the wrong. I shouldn't rely too much on others for my own happiness.

I should get through this day alone. I have to be strong and accept that not everyone can stay or will stay. I want to be happy on my own – through my own efforts.

And I'm sure Rozend will be proud of me. I want him to be proud of me when he comes back. Like what he said, it's my own choice to walk out of whatever abyss I'm in.

But I'm still anxious about interacting and making friends. I take a deep breath when I sit down on my chair. I have to do this! I can't be so awkward.

"Hey, Zen. Wala si Rozend?" curious na tanong ni Chantalle nang mapansin na wala sa tabi ko si Rozend. Nakaupo siya sa unahan ko at siya madalas ang nakikipag-usap sa 'min ni Rozend. She's an outgoing one. She's eating a lollipop with dark violet lipstick and thick eyeliners. And I really like her loud unicorn colored hair. Pilit akong ngumiti sa kanya. "Yes. Mukhang absent siya."

"Bakit? Magkapit-bahay kayo, 'di ba? May sakit?"

Umiling ako. "Wala sila sa Serene. May pinuntahan siguro."

"Ah. Dahil wala siya, gusto mo sumabay sa 'min sa lunch ni Chelsey?" alok niya. And I'm really grateful that there are people who would just suddenly approach you without noticing that they're actually helping you.

"Sure," nakangiting sagot ko.

Nang pumasok sa loob si Mr. Martinez, bumalik na sa kani-kanilang upuan ang mga estudyante.

"Good morning, little painters. This is the second week of our Painting Workshop. I hope you already figured how to paint your partner and your individual projects. I hope you already started something and are progressing smoothly without any art blocks. So next week on Monday, we will have a class activity. We will go somewhere to feed your artistic soul and paint there. And on Wednesday, you have to present the painting for the by-pairs project and the partner you painted will guess why you painted him or her that way. And you will tell him the exact reason. Are you excited?"

The class yells out a loud YES and laughter filled the room. I blush when I realized that I have to explain my painting in front of Rozend. I'm already kind of embarrass while thinking of the reason and his impending teasing bright smile.

Pero naalala ko na dapat ko palang sabihin sa kanya ang mga activities namin sa susunod na linggo. Nagsimula na si Mr. Martinez sa lesson namin. Nag-iisip naman ako kung it-text ko na ba ngayon si Rozend tungkol sa mga gagawin namin. Pero pwede ko naman kasing hintayin ang pagbabalik niya. Siguro mamaya nakauwi na sila hindi ba?

Or am I just making excuses so that I can text him?

Yes. It seems. Or definitely?

I finally give in and succumb to my desire to text him. Maybe he'll understand.

Hindi ako nakikinig sa klase. Ipinatong ko ang bag ko sa arm chair at pasimpleng nag-text habang natatakpan ng bag ko ang cellphone ko.

What's up? Where are you? Kailan ka babalik? Next week, we will have a class activity on Monday and on Wednesday we need to present the by-pairs project.

Mariin akong napapikit nang i-send ko ang mensahe kay Rozend. I'm a little anxious while waiting for his reply but I didn't receive a reply for the whole morning period. And that makes me a little sad and empty inside.

Sumabay ako sa lunch nina Chantalle at Chelsey. We eat our lunchboxes under the big acacia tree while sitting in the bermuda grass. May ilang estudyante na busy pa rin sa mga artwork nila. I think they are regular students here in SAU. May ilang nagkakatam at nag-uukit sa mga kahoy. May ilang nagpipinta at sumasayaw.

"Kamusta na pala ang painting mo para sa projects, Zen?" tanong ni Chelsey matapos kaming kumain.

"I'm still struggling with the individual project. Hindi pa ako makapag-decide sa ipipinta ko," I answered honestly.

"Well, I have to admit that the individual project is hard. I still can't decide yet. There are a lot of things and people I don't want to forget," she said. So I can paint people, huh? "Pero okay na ang painting mo kay Rozend?" she asks with curiosity.

Tumango ako. "Yes. Just need to apply some finishing touches. Oo nga pala, bibili ako ng wood frame ngayong araw. Kayo? May nasimulan na kayo?"

Ngumiti si Chelsey. "We already figure out how to paint each other. Well, we've been friends since elementary. Kilala na namin ang isa't isa."

Ngumiti ako. "I'm really curious about your friendship. Hindi ko alam kung dapat ko bang sabihin ang iniisip ko o–"

Mahinang tumawa si Chantalle. "You think we just don't fit, right? Our personalities are different from each other," she said.

"Well... yes?" nahihiyang sabi ko. They're really the opposite of each other. Ngumiti lang sa 'kin si Chantalle pero hindi siya nagkomento.

"She always saves me from bullies though," nakangiting saad ni Chelsey. "Our personalities don't matter as long as we understand each other."

Ngumiti ako sa kanila. "I agree with that."

Nang matapos ang klase, bumili ako ng wood frame para sa painting ko. Umuwi rin ako agad sa bahay upang ipagpatuloy ang pagpipinta.

I check my phone. My heart almost jumps out of my chest when I receive text messages from Rozend.

Why? Miss me already?

Alright. I'll join the activities next week. But this week I won't be able to attend classes. Please save some notes for me. I think I'll continue painting here.

Wala sa sariling napaupo ako sa kama at agad na nagreply.

Bakit? Nasaan kayo? Kailan kayo babalik?

I tie my hair in a bun after changing clothes. Ihinanda ko na ang mga gamit ko at ang canvas na ipagpapatuloy ko.

A familiar place. Hindi ko pa alam kung kailan pero babalik ako. Don't miss me that much.

I almost roll my eyes when I read the word 'miss'.

Why? Don't you miss me too?

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang ma-send ko ang text na ito. Bumilis ang pintig ng puso ko dahil sa kaba.

I miss you too. How's your day? Your class?

Pigil ang tili na napahiga ako sa kama nang mabasa ko ang mensahe niya. Gosh! Alam ko na 'to. May lahing paasa 'tong si Rozend. Hindi ako pwedeng magpadala. Maybe he doesn't mean it in a deeper level or meaning. I can't think too much.

Well, you're not around so I spend my day with Chantalle and Chelsey.

I actually want to tell him that class without him is different. And today is a rainy one. But I can't. Because I'm scared to open up.

Good to hear that. I'm glad you're making friends. I'm proud of you.

Well, it's not like I make the first move. It's not actually an achievement. But he's just the way I think he will be. He's really proud of me.

How's your day, Rozend?

But I didn't receive a reply after waiting for fifteen minutes. I'm not sure why my eyes turn misty. Maybe I just miss him that much.

With a heavy heart, I get out of my bed and continue to paint.

And I wonder why when we miss someone, we feel empty as well. Like something important inside our hearts suddenly went missing. How can someone take a part of us even without our consent? How can they steal something from us without our notice? I have keep locks in my heart but how does he unlock them?

I sigh heavily.

I'll get through this. What I'm feeling is just temporary. It's not real.

This feeling is just caused by the rainy day.

***