As soon as I step inside my house it's like all the tension I was feeling evaporates. There's something about the familiarity of home that gives you comfort no other place could. The restlessness your body feels knowing it's not in its usual place leaves and you click back into place. I'm even more grateful to be home because I can see Mom after two weeks.

It's weird. Just as I think of her she steps into the main foyer with an expectant look on her face. It transforms into one of happiness when she spots me.

"I thought I heard you come home." She opens her arms up to me and I fill up the remaining distance between us with my steps until I'm wrapping her up in a hug. My arms lock around her waist and I lift her up, tightening my hold. I outgrew Mom when I was in the seventh grade and have towered over her since. She pretends to hate it but I know she really loves it. She squeezes me back, running a hand through the back of my head. "Oh, my sweet boy."

My chest twists at her words. I'm anything but sweet but it's about the way Mom loves me. Fuck, I don't want to lose her. I have to bite my tongue so I'm distracted by how emotional I feel.

"How are you feeling?" I ask when I set her down.

"I'm fine, baby." She runs a hand down my face, peering up at me. "What about you? How's school?"

"Good." I choose to leave out the fact that I skipped this entire week. "Seriously, how are you holding up?"

"I'm okay," She insists and squeezes my hands. "Same old story with me. I just want to catch up with my son."

"Same old," I repeat her words and wrap an arm around her shoulders, pulling her into my side. We walk down the foyer and head for the kitchen. "You shouldn't have sent me to school this year. I'm up to no good."

"I believe you." Amusement laces her tone. "Are you making unforgettable memories?"

Unforgettable memories? I think of me and Olivia and snort. "Something like that."

"Good. That's exactly what you should be doing."

"I doubt that, Mom. No one is safe from my asshole-ry this year and it's coming out big time."

"That's how you work, Luc," She reminds me and takes a seat on one of the island stools. I take the one beside her as she faces me. "It's the ones you care about most that you try to push away. So if you're being an ass, it just means you're trying to hide how much you care."

"Not true," I mutter and look away. I don't want to believe that for a second. It changes everything I know and I don't fuck with that. "You're just saying that because you're my mom."

"And nobody knows you better than your mother." She ruffles my hair. "Which is why you might as well tell me now what you're doing to poor Olivia."

"What?" My gaze snaps back to her. Don't tell me she went and fucking snitched again.

"So you two are talking again," She grins and I realize Olivia didn't say anything. Mom just wanted the facts. "If you were still avoiding her you wouldn't have blinked twice."

"Does manipulation run in this family or some shit?"

"You think you're the only asshole here? Your father and I made you. You're second best, at most."

"Get out," I chuckle under my breath, grateful that she still feels well enough to joke around and shoot the shit with me. Mom has always been like that. She might coddle me and Landon but she loves giving her sons shit just as much. She's sassy as hell.

"You should go say hi to him," She reminds me gently, talking about Dad. I bristle at the mention.

"Not this again."

"Lucas, there's only so long you can keep this up."

"The same goes for him. Every time I think I'm ready to make up with him he pulls some more shit and pisses me off all over again. I don't think he even wants to be good with me again."

"You know that's not true. He's your father."

"Yeah, well, nobody breaks your heart like your own family."

Mom's eyes soften with understanding and she cups my face. I avoid her eyes because I don't trust myself to not lose it right now. "I'd do anything to not be responsible for your pain, baby."

"It's not your fault," I immediately clarify, still avoiding her eyes but linking our hands. "That's not what I meant. Fuck, I'm a dick."

"Would you stop belittling yourself so much?" She smacks me upside the head and I have to look down to hide my smile. Weirdly enough I miss Mom hitting me. "You think too little of yourself, Lucas. You choose to be all the bad parts and pretend like the good ones don't exist. Stop punishing yourself for who you are, my love."

"Mom, please." I close my eyes. All I've been getting is this same speech for months and I don't want it anymore. They don't fucking get it. They don't know the truth. If they did, they'd hate me as much as I hate myself. "Not today. I want a good weekend with you. Please."

She doesn't answer right away. I know she doesn't want to drop this but Mom also knows my limits. She must see the exhaustion on my face because I feel her arms go around me as she pulls me in for a hug. I bury my face in her neck, trying to memorize this moment. I fucking hate that this is what our relationship has come to. I have to store away every little interaction for fear that I'll never have it again. I can't simply enjoy my moments with her because all I can think about is making sure I won't forget them before they're even over. It's so fucking morbid.

"How about I make you chocolate chip pancakes tomorrow?" She asks, rubbing my back in circles. I smile at the mention. That used to be the breakfast we had every Saturday mornings when I was a kid. I've had insomnia from day one and Mom knew so she'd wake up extra early for me on weekends so I wouldn't be alone. We'd eat pancakes and watch cartoons, sometimes talk, but it was our time.

"Sure," I agree and pull away. "You can even have the first one."

Whenever Mom and I made pancakes, the first one would always turn out the best. After that the stove would get too hot and burn the rest of the pancakes easily. None were as good as the first and we would always fight over who got it. Sometimes I won and sometimes she did. We both know how important that stupid fucking first pancake is.

Her brows go up. "Wow. You sure know how to make a girl feel special."

"I know how to make my best girl feel special." I lean forward to kiss her forehead and she smiles back at me.

"You see? There's my sweet boy."

I shake my head. I don't have it in me to fight her on that anymore so I stay quiet, not agreeing. Mom slides off the stool and gets to her feet but as she takes a step, her body jerks and her arm shoots out to grab the counter. I immediately grab her arm and hold onto her as she blinks fast, her eyes growing heavy-lidded.

"Mom?" I stand up too, holding her with both arms. "Mom, are you okay?"

She mumbles something incoherent and sways again, her eyes falling shut. My heart rate kicks up to ten fucking miles a minute. I'm drenched in fear as I watch her. I've never seen this happen before. I don't know what to do.

"Mama?" I try again and give her a little shake.

Her eyes flicker and then they blink open. She looks around for a moment, confused and dazed, before her gaze lands on me. She grabs my shoulder to steady herself and she shakes her head.

"Woah. Sorry," She laughs but I'm not smiling. Nothing about this is funny. "I got really dizzy for a second. I'm okay now."

"Are you sure?" I'm not convinced. She looked like she was going to faint.

"I'm fine," She nods but even so her eyes are still skittish, like she can't quite focus. "I should probably take my meds and turn in. I...my head hurts."

She presses a hand to her temple and that's when I realize it's shaking. Fucking hell, when did Mom get so weak? And so fast? My throat locks up.

"I have you," I assure her and tuck her into my side, helping her walk with slow and small steps. I can tell she's leaning her entire weight on me because even walking is hard for her right now. I concentrate on breathing through my nose before I let my tears get the better of me. I've never been so fucking terrified. It's one thing to be told your mother has cancer but it's another thing entirely to see how it's slowly hurting her. Destroying her. Fuck, I'd do anything to switch places with her.

I open the door to her room and Dad looks up, setting his laptop down and getting up from the bed. He's watching Mom worriedly. "You okay, baby?"

"Mhmm," Mom mumbles but it doesn't sound convincing. Her eyes are still half-shut and she's unsteady as hell. "My head hurts, Jax."

Dad's face tightens for a split second and if I thought I was in pain, it's nothing compared to the look on his face.

Just as quick he composes himself and walks over to us, taking Mom from me. He wraps an arm around her shoulders, another behind her knees, and lifts her up, carrying her to bed. She looks so fucking small and fragile compared to him. I watch with a tight throat as he helps her takes her medicine, so many fucking pills one by one, and then tucks her in. He wraps her in a million blankets and she's already asleep by the time he's done. Dad crouches next to her, stroking her hair and watching her sleep. We both do that, just watching her like she might disappear on us. Mom takes deep and even breaths and we watch those too. I wonder if Dad is thinking "what if she stops breathing?" just like I am.

He looks over his shoulder at me, eyes grim and face exhausted. He offers me the barest tip of his chin and I do the same thing back. We both know the unspoken words. Neither of us is up for fighting right now. We've had enough for today.

***

It's still early in the morning but I'm already awake. I never slept. I'm on day two of no sleep so I can probably hold out another day before I crash. I'm still fucking tired, though. I was up all night thinking about Mom and coming up with the worst possible scenarios of what's going to happen in the future and basically stressing myself the fuck out. I got out of bed mad as fuck but what else is new? I forgot what it's like to not be so fucking angry all the time. I hate it as much as everyone else hates it about me.

I dispose of my empty coffee cup in the sink and stare out the kitchen window mindlessly. I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore. I don't know where it's going to go or what's going to become of me. I don't know who the fuck I am or why I do the things I do. I'm stuck in a constant cycle of self-hatred and void of any other emotion. Few things in my life actually make me feel something. I'm numb and...lost. There's no way I'd ever admit that but fuck, I'm so goddamn lost. And if I lose Mom...how the fuck am I going to find my way back?

"You look like someone fed you your own balls," I hear mumbled behind me.

I turn around and find Landon rubbing his eye sleepily, watching me with the other one.

"What up, asshat?" I greet. My chin jerks toward the stove. "There's eggs if you want."

"Thanks." He yawns and walks past me to grab breakfast. I don't miss how his head pretty much comes up to my chin now.

"Better not grow taller than me," I warn him.

He grabs a plate out of the cabinet with his back to me but I can hear the smirk in his voice. "Afraid I'm going to kick your ass?"

"You wish," I hold a leg out for him to trip over but he notices and dodges it just in time, shoving me. I hold back a hint of a smile as he takes a seat. "How's everything?"

He's back to scowling, pushing his plate away and clearly losing his appetite. "How do you think? Christ."

"You don't have to be such a dick."

"Coming from you? Rich, bro."

"Fuck off and answer my question."

"Everything is shit, Lucas," He says it in a low voice like he doesn't want to be overheard. The look on his face is pure misery. "I'm losing my mind. Every little thing in this house is a reminder of what's happening to Mom. Dad's constantly yelling and stressed out, when Lizzie comes over she's too emotional to contain herself, and Mom won't stop pretending like she's perfectly fine. I can't stand being in this house anymore."

I can feel my frown deepen. "At least you're here and you can see how Mom is doing for yourself. I fucking wish I could stay home."

"Then take my place," He says it so seriously that I blink. "Take my place so I can fucking breathe already. You think being here is going to fix what's happening to Mom? You think she'll get better if you're close by? It's the same thing everyday, Lucas. You're not missing out on anything except being suffocated. I'd do anything to not be here all the time."

"Don't say that," I snap. "You make it sound like Mom is a burden."

"Not Mom, asshole. Her cancer. Her cancer is a fucking burden and I may sound like a dick but it's true. I love Mom but I wish this wasn't happening to her or to us. This whole family is falling apart. Look at you and Dad."

"That has nothing to do with Mom. He's being an asshole. Using shit against me."

"For your own fucking sanity, Luc. He can see me losing it and he knows the same thing would happen to you. Stop fucking whining already."

"You don't know shit, Landon." My jaw ticks. "None of us have it easy, okay? We're all fighting this battle in some way."

"I know," He relents and his eyes fall downward. "That's not what I meant. I'm just tired, Lucas. Aren't you?"

Hell. I lean off the sink and make my way over to him, squeezing his shoulder. Sometimes I forget Landon is the baby of the family. He's only sixteen and the kid has seen more shit than he should. Growing up in a world where everyone knows you is invasive enough. Now this is all happening with Mom and no one's really there for the guy. I'm at BU. Lizzie is married. Dad is at every beck and call for Mom. Fuck, I feel like an asshole. The kid is trying to hold his own because he has no other choice.

"I'm tired too. You're in a tough spot, man." I shake his shoulder with sympathy, cursing under my breath when he discreetly uses his sleeve to wipe a tear away. "Look, come visit me on campus sometime. Come on a weekend and you can let loose. You can chill out with me and Zack, meet cute college girls, try to break into our weed stash. We'll shoot the shit."

"Yeah?" He looks up at me with hopeful eyes, reminding me that he's still just a kid.

"Yeah, asshole." I rub my knuckles across his hair and he laughs, pushing me away. "Just don't tell anyone we're related. You're too fucking ugly."

"Keep telling yourself that," He rolls his eyes but I catch the slight smile on his face. When he speaks again, he stares at his eggs but I know his words are for me. "Thanks."

"Whatever," I shrug.

"How's Liv?" He asks as he shoves a forkful in his mouth. He smiles around his bite. "She's hot now."

My eyes narrow on him. "The fuck?"

"What?" His smile expands. "There's no way you didn't notice how much she's changed. I mean, did you see her body?"

"Get your horny teenage ass laid," I fire back, mostly because I don't want to think about what he just said. Of course I noticed how much Olivia has changed. She was always pretty but now she's fuck hot. Her body has the kind of dips and rises women pay for, and her face alone makes men swallow their own tongues. On top of that she's fiery as fuck and is completely confident about herself. It's a deadly combination. Maybe that's why I keep slipping up around her, touching her and saying dirty things I have no business saying. I may hate her but it's all too clear I'm attracted to her. Makes me fucking hate her even more.

"You definitely want her," Landon observes and bursts out laughing. I chuck him upside the head.

"She'd be good for a fuck and nothing else. She's already circulating the whole hockey team. So fucking typical."

"You think so?" I hear a dry retort, not even fazed when I find Olivia standing with a dish in her hand and a pissed-off expression on her face. She sets the dish down on the counter, hard eyes returning to me. "You know what I call typical? There isn't a female on campus Lucas hasn't opened his legs for. If you think I'm a slut you're clearly forgetting your only competition is you."

Landon chokes on his eggs while I clutch the back of his chair tighter in warning, my jaw pulsing. "Fuck are you doing here?"

"Visiting my sick aunt and wondering how the hell she spawned an asshole like you," She seethes. Her chin raises up and for a moment I think there's a sheen in her eyes but she blinks and just as fast, it's gone. "And for the record, you can keep wondering how good a fuck I'd be because that's as far as you'll get. Unlike all the girls you've slept with, I actually respect myself."

Her voice catches on the last word and she quickly spins away, heading deeper inside the house. Once she's out of sight I look back at Landon who's already staring at me.

"That wasn't cool, dude," He mumbles. "You made her cry."

I shrug and go to the coffee maker, making my second cup of the day. As I put the coffee grains in, I try not to think about the look on Olivia's face when she overheard me. It only lasted a split second but it was pain. My jaw ticks again and I brush the image away. I said I was going to hurt her, didn't I? It's not my fault I'm so good at it.

_________________________

A/N

LUCAS!! I don't know how to feel about you! One second my heart hurts for him and I can see how great he is deep down, but then he does some stupid shit, doesn't he?

What an emotional chapter, though. I teared up twice writing it. My poor Emily! Is this book depressing or what?

Also, I saw this and totally thought of Luc.

His story is revolved around his flaws and unlike heroes, his selfishness is portrayed completely. With heroes you hide it because you want to make them likeable. I'm not interested in making Luc likeable. I want him to be REAL. Because really, you and I are selfish in our own ways whether we admit it or not. Lucas is the truth we can't handle. I think if we have trouble stomaching him, it says a lot about us (the worst parts of us) and that's why his character makes some of us uncomfortable. Just an observation.

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Happy Reading :)