I've heard a lot of people talk about their final moments.

They always say things like they knew it was time or that they're more afraid of leaving their loved ones behind than dying.

I call bullshit.

I didn't think my time would come so soon. And Of course I'm scared to leave my family behind but I'm more scared of dying.

I'm so, so scared of dying.

When I was first diagnosed, it was like being in the middle of a bad dream. You never think something as fatal as breast cancer can happen to you until it does. I always knew it was in my genes but somehow I believed I'd evade it. I'd get lucky because no way would I have cancer. I took care of my health all my life and followed all of the right steps. How was it possible that I had breast cancer? How was it possible that instead of beating it, it only consumed me even more? Did I not fight hard enough? Did I deserve this?

Here's what I think about your final moments: you can't stop asking questions.

They say you get flashes of the life you've lived but all I can think about are the parts of life I'll never experience. I'll never get to hold my first grandchild. I'll never get to watch my boys get married. I'll never get to grow old with my husband. I'll never get to grow old with my best friend. I'll never get to teach again, or cook my favourite meal, or watch my favourite show, or read my favourite book. I'll never get to live again.

Maybe I'm being pessimistic. Shouldn't I be grateful that I've lived a wonderful life? I spent it with the love of my life, had three beautiful children with him, and got to be a mother to my wonderful babies. I got to pursue a career I was passionate about. I never struggled with money. I was welcomed into an incredible group of people I consider my family. These are all good things. Great things.

But it's so hard to focus on the good as I struggle to take in air, the oxygen mask only doing so much to help. It's so hard to be positive as my lungs burn with the kind of pain that's torturous and cruel. It's so hard to have hope when I can feel my body giving up even if I'm not ready. But I'm not in control of myself anymore, am I?

It's time to go.

I knew when my doctor walked in this morning, her gaze burning holes into my file and avoiding my eyes, that she didn't walk in with good news. Just the opposite. She didn't have to say it, either. When she finally gathered the courage to lift her eyes and look at me, silent understanding passed between us. I nodded in acceptance. She winced in apology. That was that.

There's no exact time frame other than "not long." It could be today, it could be tomorrow, it could be a week from now. I can't stand not knowing and wondering if I'll leave with regrets. I don't want any regrets. So I decided to say all my goodbyes while I still have the time and energy. I want to make my peace and leave that way too.

"You never know," Avery tries again, hiccuping through her sobs. She's barely let me say my goodbyes to her. "You never know, bébé. Please. Just hold on."

"I have." I force the words out, drawing in another lungful of air. It launches me into a coughing fit because my lungs burn so badly it's like they're punishing me for using them in the first place. The burning spreads through my whole body, making me feel like I'm on fire from inside out. I've never known pain like this. At this point it hurts more to live than to die. "I can't keep fighting, Aves. I'm done. I'm so tired."

Another sob tears out of her and she bends her head, digging her face on my stomach and clutching my hand tightly. Cameron holds her shoulders, his own face glistening with tears.

The room is hushed and full of grief as I look around at all my friends. Every single one of them have changed my life in their own way since the day I met them. Avery, Cameron, Delilah, Nate, Aria, Asher, Melanie, and Wolfe. My family. My anchors. I've said my goodbyes to all of them individually and they watch me now, faces solemn and scared.

I haven't even looked at my husband yet. I'm nowhere near ready to say goodbye to him. Or my kids. God, my kids.

"Look after them," I whisper to Avery. She nods without pulling away from me, knowing what I'm talking about. "Take care of them and remind them everyday how much I love them. Don't let them forget."

She nods once more. I can feel myself growing wearier as I lose my energy. It's been a long couple of hours. This is the most I've stayed awake at once and my body isn't handling it well.

"Sweet cheeks." Cameron rasps when he gets a good look at my face. "It's time, baby. Let her say goodbye to her family."

"I can't," Avery sobs and clutches my hand tighter.
"Oh God, Em. Don't leave me."

"Never," I promise hoarsely and run a hand through her hair. "You've watched over me all my life. I'm going to watch over you too, okay?"

Fresh tears form in my eyes as Avery cries, the sounds so broken that I break with her. I never thought that I'd be saying goodbye to my best friend so soon. The girl who saved me from being bullied back in middle school and hasn't left my side since.

"I love you," I tell her, my voice cracking.

Cameron has to gently pull her back away from me when she won't let go. Avery's hands visibly shake as she reaches them out to stroke my head, the misery in her eyes so clear.

"I love you, mami." She tries to give me a cheerful smile that falters all too soon. I can't muster the energy to return it.

The longer this drags on, the more it hurts. I think that's why everyone in the room tosses me one final wave, muffling their cries as best as they can and leaving the room reluctantly.

After a moment it's just Jaxon and I. We don't even look at each other. We just stare at the door as we wait for the rest to come in, like we're pretending that this isn't happening right now. If only.

Dad is the first to walk in. I can't believe how defeated he looks. I've always seen him as an indestructible figure. He's been through hell and back in so many ways. He's saved the lives of everyone in Fighter's Den, always coming to their rescue because that's what he does. I don't think he's known defeat until he realized the only person he can't save is his daughter. Just like he couldn't save Mom when breast cancer took her too.

"I'm so sorry," I whisper when he's close enough. "I never wanted to leave you the way Mom did. I'm so sorry, Daddy."

"Shh." He takes the seat next to me, tears already present in his eyes. "Don't apologize, darlin'. Don't ever apologize for what you've been through this past year. I'm so sorry I couldn't save you from the pain of it. I'd do anything to make your pain mine, baby girl."

"Dad," I croak when he shuts his eyes tight and ducks his head, shoulders shaking violently. He doesn't make a sound and somehow that hurts more. "You need to be strong, okay? My kids need their pig-headed grandfather to hold things together. You did the best job taking care of me. You don't know how much peace it gives me knowing you'll take care of them."

"I will," He promises. "Oh, my baby. I promise you I'll take care of them."

"Good." I reach my arms up as much as I can and Dad bends the rest of the way, engulfing me in a tight hug. My eyes fall shut as I hold onto him, feeling like a little girl all over again somehow. He's hugged me through the hardest moments of my life and right now is no different. I just never thought my father would say goodbye to me before I say goodbye to him. "I love you. I'm going to see Mom and I'm going to catch her up on everything she's missed and we're going to watch over you together. Probably make fun of you too so, sorry in advance."

Dad manages a laugh but it's not genuine. It's barely detectable through his cries and he hugs me tighter. His touch is so comforting it feels like he could save me but we both know he can't and I think that hurts more than this cancer ever did.

"I love you, darlin'." He pulls back to pet my head softly. I've never seen him look so crushed. So miserable. "Tell your mother hi for me. Tell her I'm sorry I couldn't give you a longer life. Fuck. I'm so sorry, baby."

"It's okay," I whisper shakily, gripping his face. "You gave me the best life. That's all that matters. Thank you for everything, Daddy."

We both know there's nothing else to say. He hugs me again and this time he doesn't bother trying to stay strong. He falls apart in my arms and I hold him. My strong, unshakable father breaks down piece by piece and I do everything to hold him together. It's the hardest two minutes of my life.

When he manages to pull away, it's like he can't be here anymore. He chokes out another "I love you," and blows me a kiss. Then he stumbles out of the room like he's about to throw up, the door slamming shut behind him.

"Take care of him," I squeeze Greta's hand. "He found love in you again after Mom. He needs you. Look after him."

"I will, honey." She strokes my head and sets her forehead to mine, crying softly. Her touch is so comforting I don't want her to pull away.

"Thank you for being like a mother to me." I grip her hand. "Everyone deserves a mom when they're dying. Thank you for being here."

She loses her fight too and hugs me, sobbing hard. I bury my face in her shoulder and let her hold me. I just...need a mother's touch right now. I need someone to give me their strength before I have to say goodbye to by kids and husband. I'm not ready. I'll never be ready. I hate that I have no choice.

Greta leaves too and then my stomach sinks with dread because I can't prolong it any longer. I take a deep breath that does absolutely nothing to calm me down. A choked noise comes out of Jaxon from beside me but I still can't look at him. I'll rip in half if I do. All I do is hold my hand out silently, my throat tight when I feel his fingers intertwine with mine. I never thought I'd have to memorize his touch, knowing I'll never feel it again.

Every ounce of strength I have left goes into forcing a smile when my kids walk inside the hospital room. They shuffle, drag their feet, unable to look me in the eyes. I'm not offended. I'm kind of grateful because it gives me a few more precious seconds to get it together. God, what am I going to say to them? How can I leave them behind like this? How the hell am I going to look them in the eyes and tell them they won't have a mother anymore?

They stand at the foot of my bed until I beckon them closer. Lizzie and Landon move. Lucas stays where he is.

My beautiful, broken boy.

"Mom," Lizzie whispers when she takes the seat next to me. Her face crumples though she manages a smile. "Someone wants to say hi to you."

She takes my hands gently in hers and brings them to her stomach. In a couple week she'll be due but there's little to no chance that I'll be there for it. I try to hold back my tears when I feel her baby kicking excitedly, right where my hands are. This is as close as I'll ever get. I won't have the chance to hold my grandchild so I splay my fingers over Lizzie's stomach and try to imagine how her little miracle will look like.

"You be good to your mama," I say softly. Lizzie muffles her sob with her hand and I swallow hard. "She was always meant to be your mother. She's going to be so good at it. You're going to be so loved, honey. Grandma won't be here but just know how much I love you, okay?"

"Oh, God," Lizzie whispers hoarsely, looking away. I gently cup her face and bring it back to mine though she puts up a fight.

"And I love you," I say. "You are my miracle baby, Lizzie. I didn't have to give birth to you to know I was always meant to be your mother, too. Thank you for giving me that privilege, baby. Thank you for making me a mother."

She buries her face in my shoulder, sobbing harder than before. I shush her, rocking her as gently as I can and stroking her hair.

"I need you," She whimpers brokenly. "I need my mom to show me how to be one. I need to be as good of a mother as you are."

"You will," I promise. "And your father will be there every step of the way. He raised you for years before I came along. You're going to be a wonderful mother. I promise you."

"I love you," She whispers back. "So much, Mama."

And I hold her until my arms are numb because I can't let go. She's my first baby. How do you let go of your first child knowing you'll never hold them again? Lizzie only releases me because I go into a coughing fit I can't control, reminding me that I need to rest because my body can't handle staying awake anymore. I think I'm putting it off because I'm scared I won't wake up this time. But that's all the more reason I need to finish these goodbyes while I still can.

Landon won't meet my eyes when it's his turn. He just stares down at the ground with furrowed brows, trying to be tough. The baby of my babies. I only got to experience sixteen years with him. It's not fair. I don't want to leave him so soon. He shouldn't lose his mother this young. He's even younger than when I lost my mother and it's so painful knowing I'm doing the same thing to him.

"Come here, baby," I urge, holding my hand out.

He sniffs hard, brows furrowing deeper, trying so hard not to cry. Trying so hard to be tough when all he wants to do is fall apart. Such a Cage.

"Please, darling," I whisper. "Mama needs you."

Like a dam, all of his reserve breaks at my words and he sits on the edge of my bed before leaning over me, crying into my chest. I stroke his hair with a painful lump in my throat while he whimpers, sounding so much like the little boy he is.

"Don't go, Mommy," He hiccups. "It's not fair. I hate your cancer for taking you away."

"I hate it too." I'm unable to stop my tears at this point. Landon burrows into me deeper, holding me so tight it's like he's trying to make sure I can't escape him. "You did such a good job this year, baby. You helped around the house, you stayed on top of school, you let me sit in your room for hours and bother you. You've grown into such a wonderful man."

"I'm not done growing up," His voice is thick with emotion and angry. "I'm still your little boy. You need to be here."

"I know, baby." I pull him closer and burrow my face into his hair, memorizing his scent. It's crazy but he smells like he did when he was born and I held him in my arms for the first time. It can't be, right? "I'm so sorry I can't stay longer. Please forgive me?"

He nods, sobs intensifying in a way that tells me he can't form words anymore. And I hold him too and I wonder the same things. How do I let go of my baby boy? How?

"I love you," I kiss his forehead, closing my eyes. "You watch over everybody, okay? You're my big, strong man, right?"

He nods again, picking his head up and staring at me with so much sadness it's hard not to look away. He looks every bit of the lost, little boy he is. "I love you."

And then it's Lucas' turn. He still doesn't come near me, standing at the foot of the bed and glowering at the walls. He won't look at me. He looks at everything but me with a hard and angry face.

"Lucas," I call for him softly. He shakes his head jerkily, flat-out refusing me. "Are you mad at me, baby?"

A stiff nod. I barely hold back a smile.

There are some people in life that are transparent, people that you can figure out from the get-go. Not my Luc. It takes time and patience to understand him because he has so many layers, he's so emotionally complex, that he intimidates others. He's a tough one and you have to learn him. I've spent all my life learning him and I know that he is mad right now, just like he says. He's the only one here that has the courage to be mad at me for leaving and isn't afraid to show it. My boy has always been unapologetically honest. It's comforting to me now because when you're about to die, you don't want to leave being lied to. My boy is giving me a gift right now and he doesn't even know it. It makes me love him that much more.

"I'm mad at you too," I throw back. He jerks his eyes to mine in surprise. "Just kidding. Got your attention though, didn't I?"

And just like I'd hoped, his mouth twitches faintly at how I outsmarted him. Few people can outsmart my son and I'm one of them. He appreciates it, which is why he finally comes over to me and sits on the edge of my bed.

"Can I tell you a secret?" I whisper. He doesn't say anything but he does lean down a little closer to me. I push his hair away from his face, looking into those brilliant eyes I fell in love with when I first looked at him. From the moment he was born I knew he would be unlike anyone else. "Mothers always say they don't have a favourite child but the truth is, you can't help but favour one above the rest. Just a little bit. And you have always been my favourite, my sweet boy."

"Funny," He scoffs, his voice full of gravel.

"I'm not trying to be. I mean it, Lucas. You've kept me on my toes since you were born. You challenged me at every step and I'm a better mother because of it. You believed you were unworthy of love and that made it an even greater honour to love you. I love you so much, my darling. You have always been my rock."

"Then why can't I save you?" He accuses with a voice thick with emotion. Angry tears form in his eyes as his chest heaves. "If I'm so great, why can't I do a fucking thing to help you?"

"Who said you're not? The way you love me has kept me going this whole year, Luc." I cup his face and swipe away the lone tear that got the better of him. "Not a day went by where I didn't get a phone call from my sweet boy. You taught your body to stay awake for three days in a row just so you could be at my every beck and call. You got into fights for me, you completed your semester for me, you lost yourself because of how much you love me. You sacrificed yourself for me, baby. There is no greater love than the love of Lucas Cage and I'm so proud that you're my son. So proud."

His eyes pinch shut and he curses under his breath, looking away from me. I give him a moment, knowing he's trying to make his peace even though it's the last thing he wants to do. After a couple of minutes he looks at me again and finally meets my eyes.

"I love you a little more everyday," He whispers. "And even though we ran out of days, I'll keep loving you. Even when you're gone."

"But I won't be, remember?" I manage a smile as I look at my boy, so broken but solid. "I'll always be with you."

He sniffs hard...and it happens. He breaks.

I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen my son cry and it hits me harder than I expected, seeing the way he crumbles and falls against me like he's made of nothing. He finally gives in to the pain he spent this whole year fighting off. He finally accepts that I'm leaving.

He can't seem to stop crying now that he's finally let go. Seconds turn into long minutes that become more and more unbearable. It's like he's feeling all the pain he's avoided his whole life, confronting his demons for maybe the first time ever. It destroys him and I'm barely able to hold him together as I rock him in my arms. My broken prince. My sweet boy. I whisper over and over again that I love him, that I'm proud of him, that I forgive him. He holds a lot of guilt in his heart for the things he's done, for Eli, and I can't bear the thought of going before he knows I'd never blame him for anything. I take his pain and make it mine because I know this is the last time I'll be able to save him. It's up to him to save himself now, as much as it hurts me. Wrecks me.

Dad has to come back inside the room to take Lucas away from me. He puts up a fight, because my boy always puts up a fight, but Dad holds him tightly and steers him away. And he keeps him together as more sobs wrack through my son, the sounds gradually fading away until the door closes behind them.

All I can wonder is if that's the last time I'll ever see my children.

With a heart that can't take anymore, I finally muster up the courage to look at my husband. Jaxon is already watching me, his expression tight and pained. He shakes his head, silently telling me he can't do this. I can't do it either. Instead I hold my arms out and he draws in a shaky breath, lying down beside me and pulling me into him. Holding me.

That's when I let myself break too. I can't be strong anymore. I can't stay put together. I can't put up an act any longer.

"I'm so scared," I whisper, my tears falling hard and fast. "I don't want to go yet."

"I know, baby," He whispers back as he rocks me gently.

"I'm so sorry, Jaxon," I choke out, my breath catching. "I once promised you I'd never leave you. The day of your parents' funeral, remember? I'm so sorry I'm breaking my promise. I'm just so sorry."

"Shh, it's okay." He sets his forehead to mine, eyes falling shut. I think he does it to stop the tears but they trail down his face anyway. "You have nothing to apologize for. I'd do it all over again, Emily. If we went back in time to the day I met you in your father's office and I knew this is where it would lead, I would do it again. A thousand fucking times, even. My life was only worth living because it was spent with you. You're my knockout, gorgeous."

That gets a smile from me, though it's accompanied by a deep sob. I close the little distance between us until our lips meet. I've kissed my husband a million times. Each of them have been different and memorable somehow. But I've never experienced a goodbye kiss with him. This'll be our first and last so I cherish it, going slowly and memorizing everything about it. I'll need it when I feel the last of my breaths being taken away, to provide me comfort and peace. I'll need him until the very end.

"I love you," I tell him when I pull away. "Not everyone gets to make a life with their soulmate but I did."

He swallows hard, brilliant green eyes meeting mine. "Do you think there's a life after this? Do you think I'll ever see you again?"

"I do," I admit honestly. "I have to believe that or this would be so much harder."

"Then I'll find you," He promises. "Whatever life comes next, my soul will find yours. I'll always find you. I...I love you."

My face digs into the crook of his shoulder and then we both cry together. For all that we've had. For all that we never will. And everything in between.

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A/N

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