I don't know how long I've been sitting on the floor. Probably not that long. But it feels like a goddamn lifetime because time seems to have slowed down from the second those fucking words left Olivia's mouth.

He tried to touch me.

And like a taunting echo, Lizzie's words aren't too far behind as they bounce around my head and laugh in my face.

I don't know what happened to her but she needed you.

Olivia needed me. Some fucker tried to get his hands on her. She needed me to protect her and I didn't. Just like I didn't protect him. Fucking damn it.

"Lucas," The soft-spoken words are accompanied by a flutter of warm air fanning my face. Olivia's forehead is still resting against mine and she's made no move to pull away. She should. She should stay away from me altogether, especially after what I did. "Lucas, it's okay. Please look at me."

"It's not okay," I keep my eyes closed. I try to move away from her but she just tightens her grip on my face. "Let me go, Olivia."

"No," Her voice is firm and leaves no room for arguments. "Lucas, come on. You need to say something."

"What the fuck can I say to make this right?" My eyes finally snap open. I have no idea which of the thousand fucking emotions I'm feeling is swimming in them but it's raw enough for Olivia to finally let go of me, swallowing hard at the sight. "There's nothing I can do to make this right. I should have been there. It's my fucking fault."

"It's not," She argues. "I didn't tell you. I didn't tell anyone. I wouldn't even admit it to myself, Lucas. I just ran away like a coward."

"Shut up," I mutter. No matter what she says it won't be enough to stop making me feel responsible. "Don't ever blame yourself. Especially not in front of me."

"Then you stop blaming yourself too. You couldn't have known."

"I could have protected you. I would have fucking killed the guy if I knew what he'd done. Where the fuck is he now?"

"I don't know," She admits. "I haven't looked back since I left."

"Well, who was he?"

"Some asshole from another school. He just happened to be at that party. Didn't even catch his name or anything."

"You're positive?" I ask. Because fuck if I'm not itching to hunt that son of a bitch down and choke him to death.

"Positive," She whispers. She licks her lips nervously and looks down. "Are you mad at me?"

My forehead wrinkles. "About?"

"Leaving you," She draws her knees up to her chin, still avoiding my gaze. "LA was in the works for a while. I was figuring out how to tell you about it and then...then we kissed. And I didn't want to leave anymore because I knew it was a four year commitment. And you're you, Lucas. Any girl could have snatched you up in that time and I'd have lost you. I thought I would talk to you about it first and see how you'd feel. I even wanted you to come with me, stupid as it sounds. So I tracked you down at that party. Then everything went south. You and I fought, that asshole got his hands on me, and it felt like I was drowning. LA suddenly seemed like a light at the end of the tunnel. In that moment I wanted the easy way out. I wanted to leave everything behind so I booked the ticket as soon as I got home, spun some bullshit to Mom and Dad about how I got the dates mixed up, packed and left."

The mention of her parents makes me realize something. "They didn't catch on?"

She knows why I'm asking. I can see the remorse on her face. "I put on one hell of a show, Lucas. I couldn't let them so much as suspect it. You know about Dad. You know he was sexually abused for years. He would have ripped the world apart if he found out the same thing happened to his daughter. And honestly, nothing even happened to me. I got away. Dad didn't get away from his rapist for years. What happened to me was nothing in comparison. It felt like I'd be disrespecting what happened to him if I was whining about a little groping."

"You know that's not true," I catch her chin roughly and nudge it up until she's looking at me. I shake my head at her. "Don't say shit like that. What happened to you was wrong, Olivia. Uncle Cameron wouldn't have thought anything less."

"I know. I know that now. Back then I was just a scared, fourteen-year-old girl."

I let her go and curse under my breath. I can't even make sense of this shit. All this time. All this fucking time and I didn't even realize what the hell had happened. I didn't even ask. Her earlier question comes to mind and I take a minute before responding.

"I'm not mad at you," My voice is hoarse. "I'm mad at myself. You found me at the party and tried to talk to me but I was fucked up. I yelled at you and said shitty things. That's why you ran upstairs. I made you upset."

"You were pretty out of it," She agrees but there's no blame in her tone. "I'd never seen you that way — drunk and angry. Not even angry. You looked livid and miserable. What happened, Lucas?"

The memory of it immediately puts my defences up. It's bad enough what I did to Olivia. Now I have to admit what happened four years ago? The blood on my hands? My shoulders tense up.

"Forget it," I mumble. "You don't want to know."

"Of course I do. Whatever the hell happened changed you and not in a good way. I deserve to know."

Fuck me. I run my hands through my hair in frustration. There's a good chance Olivia won't want anything to do with me once I tell her. A great chance, even. But what's the alternative? Continue keeping this secret from her when she just told me hers? Either way I lose her. But I value honesty more than anything so if I'm taking us down, at least I'll know I did everything I could.

"Do you remember Eli Carter?" Saying his name out loud makes my gut twist painfully. Not a single day has passed in the last four years where his name doesn't come to mind before I fall asleep and as soon as I wake up. Not a single night of sleep has gone by without the image of him bouncing around in my nightmares. Not a single second has passed that I haven't hated myself for what I did.

"The sixth grader who got shot?" Olivia asks, surprise lacing her tone. She clearly wasn't expecting that but little does she fucking know.

My throat tightens, like my voice is fighting against me so I can't say the words. But I have to. Keeping them inside has only ruined me. "Yeah. Him. Kid really looked up to me."

"I remember," Olivia's voice is softer now. More timid. Like she's trying to prepare herself for the worst. "He used to follow you around school and would always want to sit with you at lunch. You even let him."

I nod, swallowing down the boulder steadily growing in my throat. "Yeah. He was a good kid. A little starstruck but he meant well. I only kept him by my side because other kids picked on him so I made it my responsibility to watch after him."

"That's right," I can tell Olivia remembers him now. She leans back against the wall beside me, knees drawn up and arms wrapped around herself. "I didn't even hear about him getting shot until I was in LA. It happened the day before I left. The day after..."

She trails off, sucking in an audible breath when the pieces finally click for her. I can see her head whip toward me in my peripheral but I keep my eyes trained ahead. I can't look at her face and finish the story. I'm already sick to my fucking stomach.

"The day after we kissed," I finish for her.

There's a huge pause and I let Olivia work through the pieces herself. She starts mumbling them out loud. Whether she's aware of it or not I don't know but I listen. "That day at the party...you were drunk out of your mind. You wouldn't listen to anything I was saying. You didn't care about the kiss. The party had to have been a few hours after Eli was shot and died. What...what were you doing there?"

"Looking for the fucker who shot him," Even now pure anger seizes me, both at him at myself. "It was my fault, Olivia. He died because of me."

"What are you talking about, Lucas? I'm sure that's not—"

"I was going to buy weed for the party," I start and Olivia grows quiet. Her eyes on me make it even harder to say all of this but I have to. "The guy I was meeting lived in Eli's neighbourhood. It wasn't exactly a safe place so when I bumped into him on my way there, I told Eli to stay behind. He kept following me and I told him again and again he couldn't come with me. But then he said that his parents were fighting again and that he didn't want to go home. He was on the verge of tears and I...I felt for the kid. I didn't want to say no to his face. So I told him to stay out on the sidewalk of the alley so he was visible and safe. I swear I thought he would be safe, Livvy."

"Oh, Luc." I hear Olivia whisper. A moment later her fingers thread through mine. My initial instinct is to pull away but I don't. Once I'm done telling her everything there's no way to know if she'll ever willingly give her touch to me again so I grip her hand tighter. My thumb brushes the inside of her wrist like muscle memory. I could fucking swear it brings me more comfort than it does her.

"The guy I was buying from was trying to play me. His price was ridiculous but he expected me to pay up because of who I am. I held my ground until he pulled out a gun and told me to pay him one grand up front or he'd shoot me. Said it wouldn't even make a dent in my bank account. That was his plan all along. He never meant to sell. He just wanted my money. I had the cash so I gave it to him and he made a run for it. When he rounded the corner, Eli took him by surprise and he pulled the trigger instinctively. Bastard shot him right in the chest and ran off. It happened so fucking fast."

A choked sound comes out of Olivia and I finally look over at her to discover unshed tears in her eyes. The hand that's not holding mine comes up to cover her mouth and she shakes her head. "Oh my God."

"Yeah," I agree. I look down at the floor because fuck if I don't feel my own eyes prickling in warning. "He bled out so fast. I couldn't do anything. Not one damn thing to save him."

The memory hits me hard and fast like it always does. I've replayed that moment so many times in my head, tortured myself with the memory of it everyday for the last four years, and still the pain is as fresh as if it just happened yesterday.

"Hold on, buddy," I lifted Eli onto my lap and used the shirt I stripped off moments ago to put pressure on the wound. It wasn't working. In moments the grey shirt was covered in his blood and my chest sunk painfully. I wasn't a doctor but no fucking way could that have been a good sign. I looked around desperately at the empty road and a scream tore past my lips. "Help! Somebody fucking help me!"

"L-Lucas?" He whimpered. His entire body was shaking.

"Don't say anything," I urged and took my cell phone out of my pocket. My hand was covered in blood and making it impossible to hold onto the phone without it slipping but I managed to dial 911. I pressed the shirt tighter against Eli's wound. "Save your breaths, okay? Just stay with me, kid."

The 911 operator picked up and I barked out the address. I couldn't take my eyes away from Eli. He looked way too fucking pale for my comfort.

"Damn it," I placed the phone down so I could keep Eli in my lap. He was starting to slide off and he blinked lazily like he was losing consciousness. Helplessness made my stomach knot painfully. The smell of blood was potent in the air and it felt like I could almost taste it. I was going to be sick. "Come on, kid. I need you to pull through."

"Help me," His voice wobbled and tears slid down his cheeks. Cheeks that were untouched and unblemished because he was so young. So fucking young. "Am I going to die, Lucas? P-please help."

"You won't, buddy," I croaked out and held him against my chest. My pale skin was smeared with swift streaks of red and black. How could someone so small have lost so much fucking blood? "You're going to be okay. You just hang on. Help is coming."

"Y-you can help," His eyes shone hopefully despite the pool of tears gathered in them. "You're Lucas Cage. You can do anything. You can s-save me, right?"

I was going to throw up. I saw in his face how much he believed his own words. I saw how confident he was that I could save him. But I couldn't. I couldn't do anything except wait for an ambulance to come. I couldn't do anything except watch him die.

"I'll save you," I told him anyway in a throaty voice. Hope was the only thing keeping him going and I wasn't going to take that away from him. His small hands clutched me tighter. "You're going to be fine, Eli. I won't let anything happen to you."

"I know," He gave me a weak smile and it felt like I was being ripped apart in half. "Th-thank you, Lucas."

Fucking hell. I wanted to scream. I wanted to burn the world down. I wanted to find that miserable piece of shit and kill him with my bare hands. And in that moment I knew I would have done it. It shocked me how confident I was knowing I'd have done it. It shocked me how much I couldn't recognize myself in that moment.

"Eli?" I gave him a shake when I noticed his eyes were closed. I shook him harder but he didn't open them. It wasn't until I put two fingers on the side of his neck just under his jaw and felt nothing that I realized what had happened. I couldn't make sense of it. He was just here. He was talking to me. I shook him desperately. "Eli! Eli! You've got to wake up, bud. Help is here. Eli, please!"

Not even a whisper of a breath came through. An almost inhumane sound clawed its way up my throat and past my lips. My scream echoed through the quiet streets as I hugged his small body closer. He was so, so still. The smile he'd given me moments ago was still tipping the corners of his mouth up. Another scream crawled out of me as I hugged him closer and refused to let go, even as I felt hands that grabbed at my shoulders in an attempt to separate us.

"Get off of me!" I yelled. "Don't touch him! Get away!"

"Sir," I briefly registered a woman's voice as she crouched beside me. "This isn't helping him. He needs to be examined right now. We still might be able to help but you need to let go. You need to let go, Mr. Cage."

"He needs me," My grip on him tightened. How could he be gone if he still felt so warm? "He needs me. He needs me."

"He needs help," The woman's fingers came around mine and she gently pried them away. "And you can help by letting us do our jobs. Let go, Lucas."

I didn't want to let go. Letting go meant accepting he was gone and I couldn't do that. He was just here, damn it. Five minutes ago he was giggling when I told him to lean against the wall and not move a muscle. Five minutes ago he high-fived me excitedly when I said I'd be right back to get him. Five minutes ago he was alive. How could he not be alive anymore? It just didn't make sense.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered into his hair. It still smelled like him, like shampoo and boyish sweat. I squeezed my eyes shut. "I'm so fucking sorry, buddy. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I'm so, so sorry, Eli."

"Come on," The woman urged and took him from my arms. She cradled him against her chest and started calling out orders. EMTs were running around as they strapped him to a gurney and wheeled it into the ambulance. A doctor tried to wipe down the blood off my chest but I pushed him away. That wasn't going to help. But I knew what would.

I got to my feet and took off, my shoes pounding against the pavement and drowning out the screams called after me. I heard my name, heard them asking for me to come back, but I didn't stop. I went in the direction that son of a bitch took off in. I needed to find him and there was only one person who could help me. There was only one person I trusted more than anyone in this world.

"Son?" His voice was concerned when he picked up my call, like he knew something was wrong before I even said anything.

"Dad," My voice was scratched out from screaming, breathless from running, and so, so desperate. "I need you."

"I wasn't the same after that," I whisper now. Olivia cries soundlessly, tears falling at an alarming rate as she looks at me like she's never seen me before. "I couldn't trust anyone. Where did my name and money get me? Responsible for the death of a little boy. All because some bastard thought he had me all figured out. Fuck the world, Olivia. They see your faces on magazines and tabloids and think your life is perfect. They get jealous and greedy and take advantage of you, thinking it's their right because we have more than them. So what? They want the money so bad? They want the fame? They can have it. Because when it came down to saving Eli, I couldn't do it. All the money I had in the world wasn't enough to save him. All the money in the world isn't enough to save Mom. These assholes can have all of it. Whatever the fuck it takes for them to leave me alone."

"It wasn't your fault, Lucas," Olivia cups my face. "You didn't pull that trigger."

My smile is cold. "But I put him in front of it."

More sadness clouds her vision as she watches me. "So what happened when you called Uncle Jaxon?"

"He said all I needed to do was find the dealer and he'd do the rest. Told me to track him down by asking around and that party was the best place to start. I stayed where I was and he picked me up and helped me wash off at his gym. We couldn't risk letting Mom or Lizzie and Landon see. I told him not to say anything to anyone. He dropped me off at the party and said to come back to the car as soon as I got a name. I was looking for him when I bumped into you. You mentioned the kiss and I know you wanted to talk about it but I couldn't focus on that. I just wanted to find the bastard and more importantly I wanted you to stay away from me so you wouldn't get hurt either. What if he found out I was looking for him? He was still armed. He could have hurt you. So I made sure you stayed away from me."

"You said it on purpose," She finishes for me, catching on. Her eyes search mine. "When you said you didn't give a fuck about me, you knew I'd leave. You said it on purpose."

"Never meant it, firecracker," I let my forehead touch hers, closing my eyes and breathing her in. "And I never meant to send you into the hands of the asshole that touched you, either. I was just so fucking scared you'd get hurt, that I'd lose you too. I thought I did the right thing."

When I pull away to look at her, Olivia looks like she's in disbelief. I'm not too far behind. The world ripped us apart and instead of blaming it on them, we blamed it on each other. All this fucking time.

"Did you catch him?" She finally asks. "The guy who shot Eli."

"We did," My voice hardens. The only thing that gives me even an ounce of peace is knowing that motherfucker is gone. "I got his name from some guy smoking a joint. Intuition told me he got it from that asshole and I was right. I got his name as soon as I saw you run downstairs. I wanted to come after you but I had him, Olivia. I had to go get him."

"I know," The sympathy on her face says she believes me. I swallow hard and continue.

"I ran back to Dad and gave him the name. He called some guy named Mitch. Apparently he was good friends with Grandpa back in the day. I don't know. Something told me Dad gave me the watered down version but I have a feeling they were all involved in something shady in their days. Whatever it was, we lucked out because this Mitch had connections. He tracked the asshole down and scared him into confessing everything on tape. Mitch passed it on to a lawyer he trusted and now he's locked behind bars doing twenty to life. Apparently Eli wasn't the first person he'd killed. Mitch managed to do this all under the table and make it go away so it couldn't be traced back to me. If the media got hold of this story you can imagine what would have happened."

"A complete mess," Olivia agrees, shaking her head. "And only your Dad knows?"

"The complete truth, yeah. All of our fathers knew this Mitch guy so they know what happened too. Dad just didn't tell them about Eli getting caught in the middle because of me but I'm sure they suspected as much."

"All of our fathers meaning all the uncles?" Olivia's brows come together. "Even my dad?"

I nod. "Why else do you think he goes easy on me? Of course he gives me shit for the way I've treated you. Of course he gives Dad shit. But I'd be facing a lot worse if he didn't know what happened to me. Him and Dad might not even be friends but your father is one hell of an understanding guy. You should tell him the truth, Olivia. He's a good man and he deserves to know. You're kidding yourself if you think he doesn't already know, anyway."

She looks away at that, her face falling. "I know. Sometimes he gives me this look like he's waiting for me to admit it. Mom too. It's just...they already went through this with Dad's sexual abuse. I don't want to be the reason they go through it again."

A frown tugs down my lips and I reach out to catch her chin between my fingers, forcing her to look at me. "Just because you won't talk about it doesn't mean it didn't happen to you. Not telling your parents won't make it go away, either. It happened and they need to know, Olivia. Let them help you."

Her throat bobs as she visibly swallows and she nods, a clear sheen filling her eyes. "I'll tell them."

"Good," My thumb brushes her bottom lip lightly and her mouth parts. I don't look into her eyes because I know whatever I'll see there will fill me with weakness. "Will you forgive me for not protecting you?"

"It's already forgiven," She grabs me before I can pull my hand away. "And I'm so sorry for leaving you behind, Lucas. Especially with everything that was happening. I should have been there for you instead of leaving without an explanation. I was your best friend."

She was. And she's right — I needed her. I stayed up all night that day waiting to hear from Dad that the asshole would go behind bars. He was being held in custody but his hearing wasn't until a week down the road. I was so tense and on edge that I somehow knocked out in the early morning. When I woke up, I'd come downstairs to Mom frantically pacing the room. I thought she figured out what happened but instead she was rambling on about Olivia, about how she tried to wake me up but my door was locked and that she couldn't convince her to wait. That's when I realized Olivia left me and was going to LA for four years without telling me.

It was the weight that tipped the scale and I lost it. Whatever shred of trust I had left to share with the world was crushed in that moment. I haven't trusted one fucking soul since, wearing my pain as armour while people call me spoiled and selfish and thought they had me all figured out. Dicks.

And Olivia needed me too. She was a kid and she was molested. She ran out of fear, after I deliberately told her I didn't give a fuck about her. She lost me too and she hasn't trusted me since either, putting her walls around me every time I got close because of what she went through. What a goddamn fuck show.

"I need some time to think," I tell her and manage to pull my hand out of her grasp. "You should think about things too. So much has happened. Maybe too much to ever go back."

"What?" She asks is obvious surprise.

"You forgave me but I'm not ready to forgive myself. I need some time," I stand up abruptly when I feel like the walls are closing in on me. How can I face her knowing I'm the one who ruined her life? Anyone who gets close to me gets hurt and didn't I fucking say hurting Olivia doesn't feel good anymore? I won't do it. "I need some time."

"Luc—" She tries to stop me but I step out of her way and head for the door. "Lucas, come back!"

"Just take some time to think about everything," I call over my shoulders. Before I shut the door I level her with a grim look. "Maybe you'll realize forgiving me was a mistake."

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A/N

Who saw Lucas' story coming? I hope it explains why he is the way he is, very wary and untrusting of the world and therefore pushes everyone away. Many of you questioned why he was the way he was even before Em's illness and this is why. Truly, he was just minding his own business and someone died for it. So I can imagine that Lucas would never try to make friends or even attempt to branch out after that, hence his "attitude" that was watered down to being bratty and spoiled as many put it. Suffice to say we should never judge a book by its cover.

I hope his side of things explained how the miscommunication between him and Olivia got so out hand. I also think their pasts justify how they ended up hating each other and the rivalry makes sense.

And don't worry about Lucas "walking away." I think it makes sense that he just needs time to catch his breath. So much has happened that he needs to come to terms with. Olivia, too. You don't just drop bomb after bomb like that and jump right into bed with each other. Hell, I need a breather after all this so imagine them. Let them have this moment.

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Happy Reading :)