Nineteen sucks so far.

It's nearly four in the morning and I've done nothing but hurl my guts out for hours. Instead of attending the party my parents planned for me, I'll be stuck in bed while I wait for this food poisoning to pass. Yet that still isn't as crazy as Lucas in bed with me and actually nursing me back to my health.

I have no idea what's happening or what he's doing. He's been going easy on me for a whole week now and I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I keep waiting for him to go back to openly hating me and making me wish I was anywhere but here. I'm used to feeling that way. But this? I don't know what this is or what to expect and he keeps taking me by surprise. It's making me nervous as hell.

I glance over at him now and even in the dark I can tell he's awake. He's already an insomniac and it doesn't help that the sound of me throwing up is probably adding to that. I hug the blanket closer to my body while I feel my body tremor uncontrollably and quickly look away when he turns his head to me.

"You're shaking," Lucas observes. His deep voice sounds so loud in the overwhelming silence of the room. I feel it wrap around me and take hold of me, pinning me in place. Making me his hostage.

"I'm f-fine," I grind my teeth together to stop the way they're clinking together. The sheen of sweat covering my body feels like ice. Goosebumps rise all over me and they're almost painful. I clutch the blanket as tight as I can.

"Won't work," He refers to what I'm doing. "How can you trap yourself in your body heat if there isn't any?"

I look over at him again, noting how he's facing me now and raised on one elbow. "Thanks. That f-fixes everything."

The dark makes it hard to see his expression but for a moment it looks like he smiles. I'm likely seeing things. "Don't be a smart-ass and turn over."

"Why?"

"Because I told you to."

I don't have any energy to argue with him right now so I turn over and give him my back. My teeth knock together, still chattering, and it's the only sound in the dark room. At least until the sheets rustle when Lucas moves. I can feel the bed shift underneath his weight and for a second I think he's going to leave but then his chest presses against my back and I still. I don't dare breathe when his arm wraps around my waist, the other one wedging between my neck and the mattress, until I'm completely cocooned in him. His leg pushes between mine and the very centre of me is suddenly resting comfortably on his thigh. Holy hell. My throat locks up when he captures my freezing feet between his much warmer ones and now there's officially not a single part of us that isn't touching. He's already so much bigger than me in size so I feel completely overtaken by his body.

"What are you d-doing?" I whisper hesitantly. There's no way he can't feel the thundering speed of my pulse, in more places than one no less.

"Making sure you don't turn into a human icicle," He snarks. I feel him tighten his hold on me. "Jesus fuck, you're freezing."

"Hadn't noticed," I deadpan and feel him shake slightly with a chuckle. It's quiet for a few more moments but not in awkward way. I can't help but wonder what he's thinking right now. I can't help but wonder why this is all happening. So I whisper, "Lucas?"

"Yeah?"

I lick my dry lips nervously. "Why are you doing this?"

"I told you. To make sure you don't fr—"

"No. I mean, w-why are you here? Why are you h-helping me?"

I get no answer. There's not even a whisper of noise between us. All I hear is his deep breathing to remind me that he's still there, and the way his arms are locked around me.

"I don't know what I'm doing," His whispered words startle me. "I don't know anything anymore. Nothing makes sense in my life. But you..."

He trails off and I can feel myself growing restless with impatience, clinging on to his words and wanting to know what's next. "What?"

"I don't know," He repeats. There's another pause before he says, "I can leave, though."

Just hearing him say that makes my chest sink with disappointment. What the hell is going on with me? I guess I can't blame him for not having the answers because I don't have them either. I'm as confused as he is. He's right — nothing makes sense.

When I feel him start to pull his arms back I quickly grip them and hold them in place. I hear Lucas inhale softly in surprise and try not to feel embarrassed by the way I'm all but holding him hostage. It's hard to tell if he minds or not. It's hard to tell anything so I take a leap of faith instead.

"Just...s-stay for a while."

I feel his muscles lose their tension at my words and he gradually brings his arms around me again. His breath is warm on the back of my neck and it sends a light shudder down my spine.

"Go back to sleep," He instructs softly. "You'll warm up soon enough."

"And what about you?"

"What about me?"

"I'm f-freezing. No way will you be able to fall asleep."

"I don't sleep anyway."

A yawn escapes me and I can feel myself slowly sinking back against him. "Are you s-sure?"

There's a brief pause as I wait for his response. I look down when I feel his thumb lightly brush across my inner wrist, wondering if I just imagined that.

"I'm fine here Livvy," He finally says. He says it firmly enough, making sure there's no room for arguments. "Sleep."

"Okay," I whisper, feeling too drowsy to keep arguing, and let my eyes fall shut.

I know I should feel wary or have my guard up but I don't. For the time being I blame it on the fact that I'm too sick to care but I know that excuse will only get me so far and for so long. For now at least that's what I tell myself as I feel sleep poking at me and taking me under. I don't know what the hell comes next or what he's up to but we have right now. Right now there's nothing but peace, comfort...and him. I fight a smile as I finally drift off.

I can't believe I'm in bed with the freaking devil.

***

The first thing I notice when I wake up is how loud my stomach is grumbling. I groan in misery and clutch it but not from pain. From hunger. I cannot believe how hungry I am and that's my first clue that the food poisoning is officially gone. The second clue is how badly I'm sweating through the dozens of blankets I'm wrapped in. I'm tucked in so tight I can barely get myself out. It takes a solid few minutes to untangle myself and I'm out of breath by the time I manage to get loose. What the hell was Lucas trying to do — trap me in here? Jesus.

And speak of the asshole, I listen closely to the deep voice coming from the living room. He's still here then. He really did stay all night like he said he would. For some reason that makes me nervous because I'm used to Lucas giving up on his word, at least when it comes to me. This? This is unknown territory and I've been swimming in it for a week. I keep waiting for a shark to bite me in the ass and remind me that I can't trust these waters. God, this is all such a mess. I need to clear my head.

I stumble to the shower and am careful not to make any noise that lets Lucas know I'm awake. I'm not quite ready to face him yet. I'm honestly a little embarrassed of how needy I was yesterday. I mean, he saw me puke my guts out multiple times, had to force food down my throat, acted as a human sauna for me the whole night, and stayed by my side because I asked him to. He tried to leave and I told him to stay and he did. At the moment it was nice but now I can't help but cringe a little because I'm so used to having my guard up around him. Yesterday there were no walls and Lucas finally saw past them after four years. That's just dangerous. He's dangerous. I don't know what the hell I'm thinking.

The shower did next to nothing and I walk out just as confused as when I woke up, if not more. I brush my tangled hair out with harsh and frustrating strokes, scowling at my reflection. I'm going to get my heart broken all over again at this rate and I'll have no one to blame but myself.

"Get it together Olivia," I mutter.

"Stop talking to yourself."

I yelp and instinctively clutch the towel wrapped around me as I watch in disbelief when Lucas steps inside the bathroom.

"What are you doing?" I all but shriek. "Get out!"

He shoulders past me without a glance. "I need a shower and you're taking forever."

"You have your own dorm!" I sputter, not knowing what the hell to say to him. I honestly shouldn't even be surprised he's doing this. I look at the door for a moment. "I locked it."

When I look back at him his smirk is wicked. "I picked it."

My eyes narrow on him and I could swear he looks excited at riling me up like this. "You can't just invade my privacy like that."

"But I can have my tongue inside your pussy?"

My jaw hits the floor. He did not just say that. Lucas chuckles what appears boastfully, reaching for the hem of his shirt before pulling it off. His eyes are knowing and his smirk is ever present as he watches me watch him. I know I should look away but...I can't. I actually, physically can't. My gaze is trained on the way he works on his belt buckle and yanks it out of his jeans. He somehow makes the mundane task look so attractive. My breathing noticeably picks up and I'm even more enthralled at the way he wraps the belt around his hands, tugging at the end of it as he slowly stalks up to me. What is he doing?

"Ever had your hands bound by one of these?" He questions in a low voice.

I hastily bring my eyes up to meet his. "You mean a belt? No."

He probably hears the incredulity in my voice because he shrugs, vibrant greenish-blue eyes glinting back. "Don't knock it 'till you try it."

"Of course you've tried it."

"You sound jealous."

"You wish," I mutter and turn away.

I need to get out of here. I don't know why but Lucas and I can never be near each other without things getting sexually charged up. You'd think I learned my lesson when I let him go down on me in a freaking changing room. My body sparks up from the memory of it alone. I haven't had time to think about it because of how sick I've been and this is the first time it's come to mind since is happened. I'm still in disbelief. I mean, Lucas fucking Cage went down on me? Nothing makes sense anymore.

Before I can so much as grab the knob, his arm wraps around my waist and pulls be back against him. I gasp in surprise and my breath catches when his other hand grips my throat tightly. If there's one thing I've learned about Lucas without meaning to it's that he loves being rough — especially when it comes to me. Words fail me when he turns us to face the mirror and I'm struck with an odd sense of déjà vu. We were in this exact position the day he proposed our little game three months ago. It's hard to believe how much has changed since, and how much has stayed exactly the same.

"We've come full circle, haven't we?" He asks in a tauntingly low voice. I guess he's thinking the same thing I am. I meet his eyes in the reflection and catch him already staring at me. I can't read his expression because his poker face is just too damn good but his eyes give him away like they always do. And right now they're full of want as they gradually roam down my body. The knot on my towel is starting to come undone because my chest is heaving so hard. I try to raise my hands to fix it but Lucas' hands tighten on me in warning. I stay where I am. His eyes lock with mine once again. "Would you like a birthday present, Livvy?"

"If it's coming from you, no." I deadpan and he chuckles under his breath in amusement. I don't know why. I'm being serious.

My breath knocks out of me when the hand on my neck loosens and glides down until he's cupping one breast. I have to clench my jaw to prevent the moan climbing up my throat in response because as much as I hate to admit, his hands on me feel addictively good. My breaths shakily leave through my nose when he squeezes, his thumb brushing the peak that's straining against the cotton of the towel. I close my eyes because there's no way I can hide how his touch makes me feel.

"Look at me," He demands. I shake my head. I don't want him to see what he does to me. What if he just uses it against me down the road? What if he's using me now? He squeezes my breast harder, hard enough to hurt, and my mouth parts involuntarily. "Olivia. Look at me right now."

I've known Lucas long enough to recognize that tone. He'll argue as long as he has to, to get what he wants. I reluctantly open my eyes and they clash with his. His jaw ticks, his hands now going to my waist. He spins me around and picks me up, setting me on the counter and standing between my legs. He's still a bit taller than me but we're close enough to eye-level and he takes full advantage of that, his face inching closer to mine. I resist the urge to lean back and keep my back straight.

"Do you trust me?" His question takes me by surprise. I wasn't expecting that and I'm at a loss for how to answer. It's just a question but the answer is the furthest thing from simple. Maybe if this was a couple weeks ago my answer would be instantaneous. It's not that easy anymore. Nothing about Lucas is easy.

"No," I answer honestly. Lucas values honesty more than anything, even when it hurts. He stares at me for a few calculating and thoughtful beats.

"Good girl," He relents and thumbs my bottom lip, looking at it with a heated gaze. His stare stays in place while he continues. "You shouldn't—"

"Get soft on you. I know."

"Do you?" He fires back.

"Yes. I just don't know why."

He finally brings his eyes back up to mine. When his hand slides to cup the back of my neck I can feel my lids drooping involuntarily. God, what is he doing to me?

"Because one of us needs to stay away," He whispers and his lips draw even closer to mine. I don't dare move. "And no fucking way could it be me."

My lips part in surprise at the same time his mouth comes down on mine. A deep groan of approval rumbles out of him at that first touch and the vibrations of it tickle the inside of my mouth, setting me on fire from the inside out. It's embarrassing how quickly I kiss him back, holding onto his biceps to keep him where he is because I don't want to stop anytime soon. I should but I can't. I won't.

Lucas' arm wraps around my waist and he pulls me flush against him as he deepens our kiss by pushing his tongue past my lips. It connects with mine, tangling and stroking in the dirtiest ways, and I'm flooded with a burst of warmth pooling low in my belly. He gets to me so easily. He electrifies me in ways I didn't know were possible. His touch drives me fucking insane and I'm all kinds of addicted, wanting even more. I may have hated Lucas for a long time but I've wanted him even longer.

In the end, my desire for him wins against all logical thought and maybe that's why I wrap my legs around his torso and start rolling my hips into his. His answering growl tugs my mouth up in satisfaction, loving that I get to him as badly as he gets to me. It's all too quick to slip away when his hands go to my ass and he grips me tightly, rubbing me against his hard length. It's all too much. I know he can feel me bare underneath the towel, know that my wetness is probably spreading all over his jeans. He kisses me harder, bucking into me faster. My fingers desperately dig into his biceps, hard enough to ground myself, because I think I might just fall apart any moment now.

He wrenches his mouth away from mine and attacks my neck next, sucking hard on my skin. My head falls back on the mirror behind me and my eyes flutter shut. The sensation of his teeth biting hard enough to break skin and his wet tongue soothing the burn is making me groggy. It's like I'm high on his touch. My fingers thread through his hair to hold him in place because hell, he's addicting.

"Fuck," He groans against my skin before pulling back. He grabs my face and tilts it up to his, our mouths barely an inch apart. He speaks harshly against my lips. "You have to tell me stop. If you don't, I'll bend you over this sink and fuck you right here."

My chest heaves. I can't help but imagine what he just described, can't help but come alive at the prospect of it. Lucas has told me multiple times he'd like to fuck me and I know I promised myself I'd never let that happen but it's a promise I want to break. Badly. His hold on my face tightens.

"You want that, don't you?" He murmurs. "You want to be bent at my will. You want to feel my cock stretching your pussy more than it can take. You want to scream my name because you know nobody could you fuck you like I could."

Oh my God. My breath knocks out of me at his brazen words. I'm glad I'm sitting because my knees feel so weak I would have fell down otherwise. My voice quivers breathlessly. "Luc."

He wraps my hair around his fist and yanks it hard. My head snaps back and I gasp. I feel like his prey and based on the cunning glint in his eye, he knows he's the hunter.

"Who's fucked you?" He whispers. His voice is laced with menace. "Who's put their hands on what's mine?"

I don't answer. I know he doesn't want one. Something tells me Lucas wouldn't be happy hearing about my past sexual encounters. He has no right to be feeling any way about my past when he wasn't part of it but I think I want him to squirm. I think I want him to feel jealous and realize how much he wants me. I'm as fucked up as he is.

"I know who's fucked you," His jaw visibly clenches and my brows come together. What is he talking about? "Problem is, I keep fucking forgetting and falling at your goddamn mercy."

"What?" I blink. I'm no longer following. I've had sex with two guys in my entire life and that was back in LA. How could Lucas know about that?

"Never mind," Whatever trance he was in, he snaps out of. He lets go of me abruptly and backs up until he hits the wall. I feel my stomach sink at the distance between us. For some reason I thought he'd keep touching me, that he'd want me without holding back. He gestures an arm at the door. "You gonna let me shower or what?"

I frown. I should be used to his behaviour but for a moment I'd forgotten. The past twenty-four hours I experienced a side of Lucas I didn't think existed anymore and I foolishly believed things would stay that way. That's why this stings so much more — I forgot what was waiting for me at the bottom when the high crashes.

"Fine," I snap and jump down from the counter, tightening the knot on my towel and feeling too exposed right now.

"Don't get like that," He sounds eerily calm. "A few minutes ago you admitted you don't trust me. You can't be mad that I don't trust you, either."

My hands falter and I drop them at my sides. I hate that he has a point. I look down because I'm starting to crumble on the inside and I don't want him to see me that way. This is just too confusing. "I know."

I keep looking down and watch as his bare feet come into view in front of me. I feel his hands slip under my chin before he tilts it up. He watches me with a passive face I can't make sense of.

"Go," He instructs. "Or we're going to make this worse."

I nod. I don't want to fight with him today, especially after the day we just experienced. He drops his arm and I quickly leave the bathroom, shutting it behind me and walking to my room. I shut that too and only then do I sink to the floor and wipe away the one tear that managed to escape. Damn it. The thing about loving someone you hate, is hating that you love them.

__________________________

A/N

ALL KINDS OF FEELS.

First of all these two are way too hot for me and I don't know if I can survive them. Second of all they're breaking my heart because it's so clear they don't know how to move on from the past. Third of all, they're meant for each other and I don't care what anyone says.

And to relieve you of your pain, their confrontation is right around the corner so hold on! In my opinion it's happening at the pace it should, because it's only been three months since they saw each other again after four entire years and confrontation about deep pain doesn't just happen all wham bam. Plus, they're at that point where they seem they WANT to move past this lump. You need to want to change before you make it happen.

DONT FORGET TO READ GREG'S NOVELLA IF YOU HAVENT ALREADY! The whole thing was published yesterday so go binge Raze!

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Happy Reading :)