I'm happy today.

I don't get to say that often or even at all but I'm fucking happy today and I can't remember the last time I was.

That should have been my first clue that it wasn't going to last.

As soon as I step inside the guest room I freeze in place at the sight of McCarthy talking to Zack. He's laughing at something Zack is saying, and eleven year old Ava is staring up at him with moon-eyes. Give me a fucking break. I roll my eyes and make my way inside, trying to keep my cool.

"Yo," I call out to Zack. He turns in my direction.

"There you are, man. I was looking for you."

"I was upstairs with Mom," I elaborate and glance at McCarthy. "To what do we owe this pleasure?"

He's grown solemn now too but manages to smile politely. I can tell he'd rather eat shit and that makes me way too pleased. I barely suppress a smirk.

"Olivia invited me," He says and there's a hint of a challenge in his voice. Fucker. "That's what happens when you're actually there for her."

My fingers curl into fists. He really wants to get his ass kicked, doesn't he?

"Cool it," Zack warns. "We don't need you two pissing on each other all dinner."

"Why do you say the most disgusting things?" Ava scrunches her nose at her brother.

Zack gives her a little shove. "Go find Quinn and play with her."

"But I want to play with you."

"After dinner, monkey," He kisses her forehead and Ava pouts, going to find her best friend. Zack looks between the two of us. "Seriously. Neither of you disrupts dinner. You can brag about your dick sizes on campus but not here, get it?"

"Yes, mother," I roll my eyes and shoulder past McCarthy. He glares at me and I raise an uninterested brow back. Fuck him. Today is for family. He shouldn't be here to begin with.

Before I can take my seat Uncle Cam is suddenly in front of me and I halt, growing wary. It's no surprise that he isn't my biggest fan. We used to have a decent relationship but when shit fell out between me and Olivia, Uncle Cameron immediately came at his daughter's defence. I can't blame him.

"Lucas," He greets in an unusually serious tone. His eyes go over my shoulder for a moment before coming back to me. "Olivia's friend being here isn't going to be a problem, right?"

"Not as long as he starts one," I shrug. Uncle Cam crosses his arms.

"I don't want you starting anything either," He levels me with a serious stare. "You won't be responsible for making Olivia upset today. You've done enough of that, haven't you?"

I wisely choose to stay quiet. Like I said, I can't blame him for having it out for me.

"Okay," Tia calls out loudly and we both look at her. Her smile is forced and she jerks a hand to the table. "Dinner's ready, everyone."

The word alone brings everyone barrelling in. Within seconds the room is full of over twenty people all scrambling to find their seats, the children whining and crying about who they get to sit beside and the adults looking like they're seconds from yanking their hair out. Uncle Cameron gives me one last look before going to do damage control. I take my seat away from everyone.

"You always sit beside Quinn!" Jamie stomps her foot.

Ava raises her chin. "Because she's my best friend."

"But she's my sister!"

"Then why does she like me more than you?"

"Ava," Aunt Delilah warns. She has a naturally soft-spoken voice but knows how to be firm if the occasion calls for it. "Be nice, honey. Jamie is younger than you so you need to set a good example."

"But I promised Ava we would sit together!" Quinn tries to argue.

"Jamie," Uncle Wolfe calls for his daughter quietly. He beckons a finger at her and she runs over to him, looking like a fucking cupcake in her frilly dress, and crawls onto his lap. She hugs her father with a grin and Uncle Wolfe wraps an around her. "You can sit with me, baby."

"Okay, Daddy," She's clearly forgotten about her sister. It's a fucking hilarious image — Uncle Wolfe the big tatted dude he is holding onto his five year old that looks like a unicorn threw up on her.

"But I expect you to apologize later," Aunt Melanie raises a no-nonsense brow at Quinn, who sheepishly nods at her mother. Aunt Mel can be terrifying sometimes. I don't blame the kid.

"Good luck with that," Reese snorts and takes a seat beside her mom. Ethan and Evan pass the back of her chair, flicking her head before laughing and running over to their seats. Reese scowls. "I will literally shove a hand down your throats and yank your lungs out!"

"Reese," Uncle Wolfe rubs a hand tiredly over his face. She's a violent kid. Aunt Mel looks like she's trying not to laugh.

"Well if you won't beat them up for being knuckleheads then I will!" She glares at the twins, who snicker. I used to think they bothered her because they crushed on her but Reese recently came out as gay so that probably destroyed their hopes.

"Good for you," Uncle Ash whacks the back of both Ethan and Evan's heads. They try to duck away, protesting at their father who glares back. "You idiots are fifteen. Start acting like it."

Aunt Aria walks inside the guest room, holding hands with both Hailey and Riley. She rolls her eyes as she helps them in their chairs. "Ash, honey, you were just as bad at this age."

"What the hell, Princess?" He throws his arms out. "You can't take their side when I'm trying to discipline them!"

"Mom," Ethan and Evan whine in unison. It's getting harder to tell these morons apart. They look exactly the same with their red hair and green eyes.

"Babies," Uncle Ash throws back. I cough into my fist to hide my smirk when he sits beside Hailey and Riley and whispers to his seven year old twins, "You two are my favourite children."

They grin back at him happily and Aunt Aria shakes her head, taking her seat too.

"You need to grow up, Pryce."

That one commanding voice alone summons everyone's attention in a heartbeat. My uncles abandon their table manners completely, cheering and whooping in dramatic fashion.

"Coach! Coach! Coach!" Their deep voices chant in unison and Grandpa rolls his eyes, but with a smile on his face.

"Simmer down, assholes," He says gruffly and my uncles stand up to tackle him. He greets them with the same enthusiasm, ruffling their heads and punching their shoulders playfully. Even at almost seventy-five years old he's a brutal dude. His age and permanent limp haven't stopped him in the least. He could take any one of us down, no contest. There's a reason he's the legendary Greg Resnick.

When my uncles back off, Grandpa smirks. "How are my sons?"

"Waiting for you, old man," Dad claps him on the back. "About time you showed up."

"Who're you calling old, Cage?" Grandpa wraps an arm around his neck in a firm chokehold. As his father-in-law, he takes it upon himself to never stop giving my dad shit. "I looked twice as young as you at your age. You're a hideous motherfucker."

"Language, Dad," Mom shakes her head at him. Grandpa's eyes soften and he opens his arm to her.

"Hey darlin'," He engulfs her, obviously trying to put on a brave face. "How are you feeling?"

"Good," She grins up at him and lets go to do a spin. "Look! I dressed up."

"You did," He smiles. "You look so beautiful."

"Thank you, Daddy," She goes up on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek. Then she looks behind her, calling out, "There you are, Greta."

"We started talking at the door," Grandma apologizes in a breathless voice. I stand up when I see Lizzie close behind her. I know I shouldn't feel that way but I feel so fucking awkward around my own family. Lizzie and Landon are the only ones I can still be myself around. Now that she's here I feel comfortable enough to join them.

"Hey sis," I greet when I reach her.

"Bubba!" She lets go of her husband's hand and throws her arms around my neck. "Stop growing so tall. You and Landon both, I swear."

"How's everything?" I pull back and look down at her bump. She rubs it with a smile.

"Good. We find out the gender soon. We had to put off a couple of appointments when Mason and I were travelling."

"Busy times?" I guess and clasp hands with my brother-in-law. He's a sports agent and runs his own company with his brother. Lizzie interviewed him straight out of college for her journalism portfolio and that's how they met. It's a wonder they ended up together at all. Mason is a brooding guy, always intense, and Lizzie is outgoing and cheerful as fuck. Plus, they share a ten year age gap so they've been unconventional from the start.

"Crazy," He nods seriously. "How's school?"

"Good," I lie. It'll be a miracle if I graduate this year.

"I need to sit," Lizzie groans and Mason immediately goes to her, becoming overprotective. The rest of us follow suit and take our seats again. Dinner will never start at this rate but that's usually how things go around here. I forgot how chaotic it is when I've avoided coming to these gatherings for the last four years.

"Where's Liv?" Zack asks from beside me. Good fucking question. I don't see her or McCarthy for that matter. I haven't seen either of them in fifteen minutes now. I feel myself tense up and Zack notices, speaking under his breath. "Chill. I see them."

So do I. Beck and Olivia walk in, laughing and whispering something to each other. I watch Olivia carefully. Her smile is genuine, big. I forgot the last time she smiled at me like that and now those smiles of hers are all for McCarthy. They even sit beside each other, right across from me. I inhale steadily and close my eyes. I'm going to hold it together for Mom but as soon as dinner is over I'm fucking out of here.

"Listen up, shit-heads," Uncle Cameron starts. Immediately all the women at the table call out for him to mind his language and throw napkins his way. He grins, completely unfazed. "Thanksgiving is always special because of family but I think this year we understand that more than ever."

He grows solemn and looks at Mom, clearing his throat. "Em, this thanksgiving we're grateful to have you with us. You've been fighting a hard battle for months and we know you're going to keep fighting and beat your cancer. Today, we're thankful for you and the happiness you bring us everyday. We wouldn't be a family without you. To Emily."

"Emily," Everyone repeats and raise their glasses. Mom offers a watery smile to the table, a couple of tears slipping through as Dad wraps an arm around her and kisses her forehead. I look down, not wanting anyone to see how choked up I feel. I hate myself for wondering if this will be our last thanksgiving with her.

"You good?" Landon asks from my right.

"Yeah," I glance at him. "You?"

He nods but I can see him holding back tears. I clap him on the back. My eyes clash with Dad's as he watches the two of us and I quickly look away again. We haven't spoken a word to each other in weeks. I don't know what to say to him anymore. The frustration I feel over being a stranger to him only pisses me off so I know if I speak I'll only say something that will start a fight. It's better to keep ignoring each other the way we've been doing. So much for family, right?

"Let's eat," Tia breaks the silence with a raspy voice.

Everyone digs in. Chatter naturally picks up around us but I have nothing to say to anyone. I don't want to be here. I only came for Mom, who played the cancer card on me just like Olivia said she would. And speaking of, why the fuck did she have to sit across from me? It's like she's trying to rub McCarthy in my face. I've been watching her all dinner but she only has eyes for him. I know it's not my place to feel jealous. What I said to her a couple weeks ago was fucked up. I wanted to take it back as soon as I said it so I took my chance to apologize when I saw her upstairs earlier. I know I didn't say the words "I'm sorry" but I apologized in my own way. Maybe it didn't come across the way I wanted and she misunderstood. Fuck if I know. I don't know what I even want from her anymore. What am I trying so hard to hang on to?

"You're staring," Zack says under his breath and I zone back in, looking down at my plate again and trying to keep my eyes off Olivia. And why the fuck does she have to be so pretty for? She's in a festively orange dress that molds to her body, her hair up in a bun with loose strands falling over her face. She's not even trying and she looks as good as she does. It fucking pisses me off because I don't want to be attracted to her and yet she's all I see. Fucking whatever.

"Beck," Mason's voice is demanding and McCarthy's head snaps up. "Nate here was just telling me you play hockey. You any good?"

Beck shrugs with a nervous smile. "I mean, yeah, I'm decent."

"He's being modest," Olivia rolls his eyes. "He's the best goalie the Terriers have had in years. You should see his stats."

Mason raises a brow in a rare show of impress. "You're saying you're Beck McCarthy?"

"Yeah. How'd you know?"

"Heard a lot about you. Olivia is right — you're being modest. You've been talk at Rey Enterprises quite a few times."

Beck's eyes widen. "Holy crap. You work at Rey Enterprises?"

"Kid, I own it. It's mine and my brother's company."

"Mason Rey," Beck finally catches on. "Jesus, you guys are like the number one recruiters in state."

"You got lucky meeting me," They shake hands. "We should talk more after dinner. Recruiters will want to snatch you up once you graduate and the competitor in me wants first shot."

"That would be great, sir," He laughs breathlessly. I'm about two seconds away of stabbing him in his eye socket. First he takes Olivia, and now he's wooing the rest of my family? Fuck him.

"So Ben," I start and he loses his smile, frowning at me. "What happens if hockey doesn't work out? Not everyone is cut out for the pro life."

"I think I'll be fine," He bites the inside of his cheek. "I've worked hard all my life. Not everyone gets everything handed to them."

My laughter is part incredulous and part amused and I sit up straighter. "You calling me spoiled, Bruce?"

"Beck," He corrects. "You calling me incapable?"

"You bet I am, Bert."

Dad drags a hand over his face and I'm pretty sure he just muttered, "You are so my son."

Whatever the fuck that means.

Beck's nostrils flare. "I appreciate your concern dude, but you don't need to worry about me."

"Oh, I don't give a single fuck about you, McCarthy."

"Enough," Grandpa levels me with a glare. "Is there some kind of problem here? Because we can take it outside for you two to fight it out but I won't tolerate this kind of disrespect under a roof."

"No sir," Beck shakes his head. "I don't mean to disrupt. I apologize."

"Kiss-ass," My lip curls. Could he be any more of a douche?

"Watch it Lucas," Dad snaps.

His words are a fucking slap to the face and the absolute last thing I need right now. I swing my gaze to him. "Are you fucking kidding me? You don't speak to me for weeks and the first thing you do is take this asshole's side instead of your son's? And you wonder why I can't stand you."

I stand up abruptly and ignore the protests and calls for me as I walk away. All I see is red. Just when I thought I'd caught a break this shit happens. It never fucking ends, does it? I'm always going to be one everyone dumps their shit on and expects me to smile and take it. Then suddenly I'm the bad guy if I don't? Fuck that.

"Lucas," I hear Dad call after me as I walk down the pathway leading to the gates. I'm out of here. "Lucas, wait!"

"What?" I spin around, breathing hard. "Aren't you busy giving a shit about everyone except your son?"

"That's not fair," He fires back and gets dangerously close to me. "I try time and time again to be there for you but you don't let me. Just because I'm fighting my way in doesn't mean I'm fighting you."

"But that's exactly what you're doing!" I scream. I'm done. I'm fucking done. I feel the last of my restraint snapping and I don't care. "All you do is fight me! Every time I fuck up you're right there to point it out and throw it in my face. All you do is acknowledge my shortcomings. You're completely blind to the rest. What about earlier when I helped Mom fucking shave her legs because she didn't have the energy? What about when she was in the hospital last month and you stayed there the whole time so I kept the house running? I cleaned, I cooked for Landon, I made sure he did all his assignments, when the whole time I just wanted my mom to hold me! Why didn't you say anything then? 'Good job, Lucas. I know you're trying, Lucas. You're not alone, Lucas.' Why can't you ever tell me those things, huh? Why do you only notice my flaws? It's because you see me as a burden, not your fucking son!"

Dad's face falls. "Lucas—"

"And it's not just you," I continue. "It's everyone. I'm hurting all the fucking time but no one cares. Then when I scream that I'm in pain you all get pissed off, like it's a crime that I have the fucking audacity to feel this way. You all hate me because I have the balls to actually admit this sucks while the rest of you are too busy pretending everything is going to be okay. So fuck all of you!"

"This sucks for us too, Lucas," Dad's trying to keep himself under control too. "Nobody is pretending everything is going to be okay. We're just trying to optimistic but that's not a crime either. Just because we're not showing it on the outside it doesn't mean we're not hurting either."

"So that's what I should do? Just hold it inside and bottle it up so I don't hurt anyone's feelings? Sounds real healthy."

"That's not what I'm saying, damn it. You're twisting my words. I just mean it doesn't have to be two extremes. You don't have to be just mad or just optimistic. You can be both and balance it otherwise you'll blow up which is exactly what's happening to you! How can we help if you don't listen? You need to want to listen. You need to care, Lucas."

"I need to care?" I repeat incredulously. "You think I don't care that my mother is dying? Are you really fucking saying that to me?" I shove him back as hard as I can. If he's in my space for another second I might do a lot worse. "Go to hell, Dad! You should be the one that's dying!"

"I wish I was!" He yells back. "Every fucking day I wish it was me instead!"

"So do I!"

"That's enough!" Mom comes barrelling down the pathway, tears streaking down her face. "How dare either of you say that? I have had it with you two! How many times are you going to force me to turn the other cheek to your fighting? I am racked with guilt, everyday! Enough."

Fuck. All of my anger leaves me until I'm completed deflated. My throat locks up as I watch her angrily wipe her face. The heartbreak in her eyes is so clear that I have to look away. I can't stomach it. I've reached my fucking limit.

"Baby..." I hear Dad start softly.

"Go inside Jaxon," Mom snaps. I've never heard her use that tone with him. Of course Mom and Dad occasionally fight but this is something else entirely. "I don't even want to look at you right now."

There's a few moments of absolute stillness until finally I hear Dad walk away. My gaze stays on the concrete under my feet and I watch as Mom's shoes come into view. I'm too much of a pussy to acknowledge her.

"Look at me," Mom demands. I've never heard her use that tone with me either. I reluctantly lift my head and try not to wince at the heat in her eyes. "Can you admit now that you've gone too far? You're wishing death on your father, Lucas Samuel. How dare you take that so lightly?"

I don't say anything to that. I know she's right but still, I don't say anything. Both of us stay quiet while we wait for the other to speak first.

"You made some valid points," She finally says in a quieter voice and I try not to let my surprise show. "I heard you. I don't blame you for feeling so alone. I know you feel like everyone is giving up on you, including me. Especially me. I know you're mad at me, Lucas."

"What?" I croak in shock. "Mom—"

She puts a hand up. "You are. You're mad at me for dying. You're mad at me for not beating the cancer yet. You're mad at me because my illness is bringing out the worst in you. You're mad at me and that's making you feel so guilty that you're taking your frustrations out on everyone else because you're especially mad that you can't take it out on me."

I suck in a hard breath. How? How could she just reach into my head and speak my biggest fears like that? I'm stunned into silence.

"You're allowed to feel this way. I'm mad too. I'm mad that the world isn't patient with you. I'm mad that the world doesn't understand what you're going through. I'm mad that the world behaves like you don't deserve love just because love is hard for you. But that's nothing compared to how mad I am at you because you think you don't deserve love either."

It's not like I have any words to say but she still walks away before I have the chance to respond. I watch her retreating back as a wave of nausea hits me. She was happy. Just an hour ago she was smiling and laughing and forcing me to take selfies with her. Until I ruined everything because that's all I do anymore. But this time I've crossed the line because I did it to my mom. She's already in so much pain and all I've done is hurt her even more.

I grab the gate to hold myself upright when I feel my knees give out on me. How did things get this bad? How did I become this person and why can't I stop it? I clutch my hair tightly and swallow down the scream trying to claw its way out of my throat. My eyes burn with the need to let my tears escape but I keep them at bay. I'm the one who caused this mess. It's my own damn fault so what gives me the right to cry about it?

"Lucas?"

I close my eyes. "I can't. Not right now. Go away."

"Luc," Olivia whispers. My breath catches when I feel her hands cup my face. I've heard that your skin cells have touch recollections and I think that might be true because as soon as I feel Olivia touching me, I'm flooded with the memory of the way she held my face just like this when I kissed her. Our first kiss. The beginning of our end.

I squeeze my eyes shut tighter, feeling so fucking hollow. When will this pain stop? When will the noise finally shut off?

Maybe it's because she caught me at a weak moment. Maybe it's because it's been so long since someone actually came after me to see if I was okay. But when Olivia wraps her arms around my neck, I surrender to her. I give myself up and clutch her like she's my lifeline, burying my face in her neck while my body shakes with silent cries. I hold her and she holds me, letting me fall apart in secret. Letting me have this moment because she knows how fragile my pride is.

It doesn't last long. A minute at most. Then my mind goes to back to autopilot and warns me to stop showing weakness. To stop being vulnerable to the same person who broke me four years ago. I pull away abruptly, wiping my face angrily and yanking the gate open. What am I doing?

"Lucas—"

"That never happened," I snap without looking at her. If I do I'll let her break me all over again. I want to go back but I don't. I want to apologize to my parents but I don't. I want to be a better person, but I can't.

__________________________

A/N

Oh wow...

Heavy stuff. A lot of heavy stuff. What I said about this book being about the ugliest parts of life? Yeah. This. Grief really does bring out the worst in us and we tend to take it out on the people closest to us. Families fight all the time, even to this degree. What Lucas said to Jaxon seems extreme but it happens. Relationships can be this damaged. People can be this damaged.

Life is full of great things, but it's also full of so much pain. I want to capture that in this story. I'm not going to sugarcoat how ugly life and people can get. I'm not going to sugarcoat Lucas's depression because people want to read about a hero. Being inside his head is overwhelming and frustrating but this is what depression feels like and so I ask you to continue being patient.

A final note that the synopsis of Greg's novella will be released tomorrow! It's exclusive on my IG and will be followed by a contest where you make a fan edit and the winner will be emailed the first chapter. If you're interested in either of these things, follow me @authoramberisabelle!

Please VOTE, comment and share if you liked this chapter.

Happy Reading :)