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29

Content Note: If you are uncomfortable with explicit content, there is a fade-to-black scene before the break. Personally, I consider this necessary to the plot, but you can still derive the context from the parts leading to and following the scene.

~*~

Before parting ways at the shaft where it forked in three directions, Ryker said to Rhonin, "I'd like to examine Kanden before he goes back; he took a nasty fall up there on that ladder."

Had he been obvious about his shoulder? Kanden bristled and fought the urge to cradle the injured arm. He couldn't afford to be left out of everything now. Not when he'd finally been included and treated like an equal. "I'm fine," he insisted.

Rhonin glanced between them, scrutinizing Kanden for a long time before returning his attention to Ryker with a curt nod. "Yes, I think that's wise. We can use Marina's labs so no one harasses you, and you know those bags will be safe with her."

Interesting. The more time Kanden spent with Rhonin, the less he feared his intensity. His words never went to waste, and he seemed to consider everything from a truly impartial stance, unlike the rest of the Council, who acted with their own agendas, Father included. Well, not Marina, but the others would have disregarded Ryker without another thought.

Despite his earlier misgivings and their rough first encounter, Kanden kind of liked him.

Still, he didn't like the way either of them looked at him like he was something fragile. Why did everyone else get to act tough and shrug their injuries off?

Projecting a confident smile he didn't feel, Kanden attempted to reassure them. "It's late, and I don't want to waste anyone's time. There's nothing wrong."

"Then why do you keep resisting me checking you over?" Ryker asked with a frown. "You never argued before."

Kanden rolled his eyes because it was true, but blurted the first stupid thing he could think of: "We were sleeping together; of course, I didn't argue."

Rhonin groaned and turned away while Ryker curled his lip.

Realizing his mistake immediately, Kanden deflated. "I— I didn't mean that."

"You never do," Ryker replied in a thick voice, blinking rapidly. "You just say whatever you think, and it's okay with everyone because you're so innocent."

Crap, Kanden hadn't meant to hurt Ryker. And his ex's words hit harder than a slap because it was true: Kanden had no filter, and often didn't realize he'd offended someone unless they said something.

"Why do you even care?" Kanden whispered, fighting his own surfacing emotions. "You don't owe me anything. Your involvement with me made you a pariah — wouldn't you rather go your way without me making things worse?"

Ryker shook his head. "You really don't get it. Even if we hadn't been together, I'd have cared because I'm a healer. Per ancient customs, we swear an oath to help others. But to answer the second part of your question, I care because you don't flip off love like a damn lever. No matter what you might think of me, everything I've done in the last three years has been with you at the forefront of my mind."

Stepping into Kanden's space until their noses were close enough to touch and their breath mingle, he continued with ragged breath. "This macho act will harm you more in the long run, and I don't want to see you permanently injured because you let everyone brainwash you into not believing you're enough as you are. So please, for your sake, allow me to examine you."

Defeated, Kanden sighed. "All right."

He fell into step behind Ryker, who navigated the old tunnels as if he'd spent his entire life acquainting himself with the maze-like passages instead of practicing medicine. Rhonin walked beside Kanden in silence, not offering an opinion one way or another.

What had he been thinking, airing that conversation in front of someone else like that? Ryker had to be seething, and who knew what Rhonin thought. Mortification won against his other emotions, making Kanden's stomach twist.

The labs were empty when the trio arrived, scrubbed clean with equipment and tools sorted into their proper places. Kanden had wondered once if Marina lived somewhere in these cavernous rooms since she always worked and moved with the energy of a toddler fleeing their parents after being told to wear clothes.

Taking Kanden's bag that he'd filled in the upper level, Rhonin deposited it with his on a nearby table while Ryker did the same and dragged a chair outward with his foot. Then he pointed to it. "Sit and take off your shirt."

Kanden closed his eyes and pinched his lips. That hadn't been intended to be sexy, and here he was, wishing Ryker meant those words in an entirely different context.

Blushing furiously, Kanden sat, and Rhonin cleared his throat. "I'll give you two some privacy. If anyone asks, I had you boys shoveling shit. I don't need Bastion up my ass when you're both adults who need to hash out whatever is going on. I'll be back soon — stay here until then."

He turned on his heel and left, closing the door behind him. Kanden stared at the nondescript door, refusing to meet Ryker's eyes as he bounced his foot on the chair's wobbly bar.

"You know," Ryker mused, grabbing Kanden's attention, "I wasn't sure if I'd like Rhonin when I transferred to Maintenance, but he's the only person who's ever treated me with any dignity since..." He trailed off and expelled a slow breath through his nose. Then he shrugged and glanced down with half-closed eyes. "Well, I'm sure you remember."

The riots. Funny how no one had to say the word, yet everyone immediately understood the context, no matter how it was brought into a conversation. The event was so traumatic, it didn't need elaboration because people just knew.

Carefully peeling off his shirt and avoiding too much movement in his shoulder, Kanden crumpled it into a wad on his lap. Ryker's mouth parted and his eyes widened, making Kanden's chest swell. "Enjoying yourself?"

Ryker gulped and averted his gaze. In the lab where the light was stronger, Kanden observed the other man's cheeks darken with lust. "I— You— Yes, no, I mean... shut up."

Kanden snickered. Despite everything, it was easy and comfortable to fall back into their old habits, and he found it increasingly difficult to stay angry. If Kanden let go now, he'd lose himself to an engulfing void of apathy.

An uncomfortable silence replaced the banter as Ryker became all business and moved closer, reaching for Kanden's shoulder. "I'm going to check for swelling, okay?"

Kanden nodded, biting back an inappropriate comment. Ryker was one of the few people who could touch him without asking — even now — but Kanden feared what the other man's touch would do to his chaotic emotions.

As predicted, Ryker's fingers were warm to the touch and sensual, making Kanden recoil. He wanted this, but not in this capacity. "Please stop," he rasped, catching Ryker's fingers with his good hand.

"What is it?" Ryker asked in his most professional tone, flicking his gaze between Kanden's shoulder and face, searching him for answers.

Their gazes met, and Kanden's vision suddenly blurred. Ryker's concern seemed so genuine, but what if it was an act? A façade he wore to put people at ease. "I told you, I'm fine."

"You're not though," he countered with patience that reminded Kanden so much of Mother's, making his eyes burn more. "I've known you for years; I can tell when you're in pain."

"I fell off a ladder, of course, it hurt," Kanden muttered, trapped in place by Ryker's magnetic proximity. He continued to clutch his ex-boyfriend's fingers harder than necessary but couldn't force himself to let go.

Undeterred, Ryker untangled their hands and slowly lifted Kanden's shoulder. When Kanden winced, Ryker released it and did the same with the other, which moved with no problems. Releasing him, Ryker pointed to the left shoulder. "Raise your arm."

Kanden did as instructed, biting his lip when pain exploded in his shoulder before reaching a perpendicular angle. A second attempt brought tears to his eyes and beads of sweat to his forehead. Unable to hold the position, he dropped his hand into his lap. "It's just sore; I'll be okay."

Ignoring the weak protest and pressing his fingertips into Kanden's AC joint, Ryker took the latter's hand, flexing the wrist and elbow back and forth. "This won't be pleasant." He gave Kanden no time to respond before popping the shoulder with a loud crack.

Had he yelped? He could barely breathe, so maybe he'd imagined it. Dizziness and nausea sent Kanden over the edge of his seat, but Ryker quickly caught and eased him against the chair's backrest. "Better?"

Quite certain he'd swallowed his tongue during that maneuver, Kanden nodded and shook his arm. The pain was still present, but not as intense as it had been until that point. At least he'd regained some mobility.

Ryker then went to the table and opened the bags filled to the brim with medical supplies and removed the contents, speaking as he worked. "You don't need to act tough or prove anything to anyone. Least of all, your father. It takes more courage to admit you're hurt than to pretend nothing's wrong."

"You don't know what it's like being told your whole life to man up and shake it off," Kanden snapped, battling the tears threatening to fall. Even now, after everything he'd tried to overcome, he felt weak just sitting here because he couldn't handle the noise that had caused him to slip in the first place. "Everyone else falls and gets up; no one cares or asks questions. If I do it, I'm accused of toxic masculinity!"

"It is toxic," Ryker said mildly, rifling through Marina's cabinets until he found a flask with a faded label. In his other hand was a strip of cloth, and he poured a generous amount of foul liquid that made Kanden's nostrils burn into the fabric. Setting the bottle down, he returned and dabbed at Kanden's lower lip.

Kanden squirmed, only for Ryker to grab his chin and continue cleaning the throbbing cut. "Ouch! What are you doing?"

Humor gleamed in Ryker's dark irises as he chuckled. "Relax, it's witch hazel from Marina's plant stores. I wouldn't use expired medicine unless I had no other option."

Ryker's tenderness and strong touch stirred the pain simmering inside Kanden's fragile heart, and overwhelmed, he asked, "Why did you lie?"

Why did you pretend to care? Why are people like this? Why me? The usual angsty questions anyone might ask after a breakup, but all things that deserved an honest answer.

Wide eyes gazed back at him as Ryker froze. He bit his bottom lip for a moment before murmuring, "I didn't want to hurt you. Is that so difficult to believe?"

No. Ryker had always tried to filter his thoughts for his boyfriend's sake, even when things went well for them. Like everyone else, he treated Kanden like an emotional time-bomb, ready to explode at any given second. Did that make him the problem instead of everyone else? If so, how could he fix his flaws if no one told him?

On the other hand, saying he didn't want to hurt Kanden didn't diminish the fact it had happened anyway. It wasn't much of an answer, which was part of the reason they'd ended their relationship.

Kanden's nose twitched, and he turned his response over in his mind for a minute. Think this through, he told himself. Don't react to your emotions.

"Can you explain?" he finally asked. "You had three years to say something. I understand the beginning because you wouldn't have wanted to end things before they started, but what about later? I trusted you, and I might have been upset, but if you'd told me, I would have eventually accepted it." After all, no one was perfect, and though Kanden disliked secrets, he was self-aware enough to acknowledge everyone had things they didn't want to share.

Ryker threw his hands in the air. "Would you, though? You shut down the moment anything upsets you."

This was going nowhere. "I guess we'll never know," Kanden sighed. "I'm tired of us trying to convince each other of our truths when it's obvious we can't trust each other."

When he unfolded his shirt and slipped his hand through the opening, Ryker grabbed Kanden's wrist like he'd done in that bare cell all those months ago. "This is what I'm talking about. You get flustered and stonewall everyone."

A vein pulsed Kanden's neck, marking each passing second. His mind emptied every rational thought, and all he could do was stare in paralyzed silence. What could he say? How could he shield himself from the painful, albeit accurate words?

His first impulse was to disengage and remove himself from the confrontation, but Ryker held firm, glancing downward with a huff. "Do you want to know the moment I knew you were the only man I could ever love?"

Kanden's heart beat faster in anticipation and trepidation: thrilled and terrified of the answer.

Loosening his grip, Ryker lowered himself to one knee and brushed the pad of his thumb across Kanden's cheek. "When we had that food shortage a few years back after the soybean crop failed, you gave your rations away without complaint while everyone else hoarded their supplies. And instead of going into a profession most of us could only dream of, you stood your ground and chose the conservatory. The first time you returned to my quarters, smudged in dirt and stained with grass, I knew you weren't afraid to work hard or put others before yourself. That you'd never harm another person. And that's when I gave up the rebel cause."

Against his better judgment, Kanden threaded his fingers through Ryker's thick hair and pulled him close, stopping long enough to say, "Kiss me."

Ryker did more than that; he jumped up his feet in a fluid motion and pulled Kanden up with him before drawing him close. When their mouths joined in a feverish assault — each demanding entry after months of no contract, every rational thought melted away in a moment of ecstasy.

Clothes soon littered the floor, and a chair wedged against the door handle as their bodies moved in perfect synchronization and frenzied passion.

Kanden tried to speak between gasps, to make his position clear. "We're not back together."

True, the words were a mood killer, but he needed to establish boundaries, so Ryker didn't assume they were a couple again. Not until he had more answers, but he needed this more than anything else at the moment, to feel appreciated and loved, even if it was an illusion.

To his surprise, Ryker chuckled before kneeling and grabbing Kanden's hips. "That's okay. But just so you know, I'll do whatever it takes to earn you back."

Kanden should have stopped him then and there, but he was weak, and feebly uttered a last-ditch reason for Ryker to say no. "I haven't forgiven you yet either."

"I know."

Either Kanden was stupid and about to make the most cliché mistake of his adult life, or this would prove to be the ultimate test of trust. Time would tell, but they had a long road to travel with several obstacles to cross before they reached an understanding.

~*~

Whatever Rhonin thought of their disheveled appearance, he didn't say. He'd listened to Ryker's instructions for Kanden to keep his arm in a sling and take it easy, and his lip might have quirked in amusement (surely a trick of poor lighting), but he kept his words and tone professional and unassuming.

On their way back to the dormitories, Rhonin kept his gaze straight ahead as he marched with purpose and asked, "Did you work things out?"

Kanden blushed. His question depended on what qualified as such. "Uh... I guess?"

The cooler temperature of the caverns in the lower levels provided welcome relief to his burning skin. The ghost of each touch from earlier lingered on his jaw, back, and anywhere Ryker had touched him. "I'm not sure how I feel. I want to trust him, and there's a lot he needs to answer for, but I'm also afraid to know the truth." Afraid because the answer he dreaded would truly mean the end of their relationship.

Rhonin hummed. "For what it's worth, I think Ryker was in an impossible situation." Halting, he faced Kanden and gestured as he spoke. "Yasmin and Arlo had no way of knowing Ryker had ties to the rebel faction. All evidence supports his confession and a lack of involvement. The rebels erroneously believed in his loyalty. The only thing the four factions could agree upon was that he was the only person qualified to offer a judgment because he'd survived the poison."

What? But why couldn't Ryker have simply explained that before instead of lashing out at Kanden and Rumi when they'd confronted him? "But did he ever say why he made the choice to exonerate?" Had it been borne from a genuine desire to prevent injustice, or had he done it for Kanden?

"What you should ask yourself is if that reason is important," Rhonin suggested mildly, "I was present for his later interrogation, and I'm reasonably certain he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, used by both sides in their attempt to sway the vote. Given his age and the enormity of the extreme circumstances he found himself in — none of which he asked for, I think if anyone deserves a second chance, it's him."

The words wrapped themselves around Kanden's heart, urging him to listen. Doubt lingered in the back of his mind, calling him naїve and telling him to move on. Could he though? And what did it mean if Rhonin believed in his innocence when so many others were convinced of his guilt? He didn't dare consider anything else — he was confused enough, but Kanden couldn't help the hope the older man offered with his encouragement.

He pondered this long into the sleepless night as he stared at the ceiling above his bunk and listened to Giada snore below.

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