25. To Kill or Not To Kill

I felt like I had a horrible hangover even though I had never gotten drunk in my life.

I couldn't pry my eyes open; it was like they were glued shut. I fought hard to get them open. A terrifying thought gripped me. What if I couldn't open them again? What if I was dead? My shot at living my dream, my shot at reuniting with my parents—it would be gone.

I heard a loud roar of running water. It sounded like I was on a beach, where the waves would crash against the sand and retreat back into the ocean. I've got to be dead. If I was alive, where the hell was I?

Finally, my eyes opened. I saw mostly darkness except for a trace of light—wherever I was had a ceiling.

I propped myself up on my elbows, my elbows hitting something solid and harsh. My hands felt damp rock. I looked behind me. I realized I was in a cave.

I felt something latch onto my neck. I tentatively touched the area, only to pull off two leaves, where the tracker jacker stings had been dealt.

I remembered that situation, all the bad of it. It was a rough, vivid memory.

I touched my stomach under my clothes, wincing. Yup, there were surely bruises. I licked my lips, realizing they were clean. I looked at my fingers, they were bloodless. That had to be because of the venom. I was hallucinating. Just like how I saw my mother in the arena, and the trees up in the flames. But the trees could have been up in flames, Gamemakers could easily start a forest fire if they felt it would spice up the action.

I saw ahead of me that the cave was hidden behind a waterfall. I could see it was day, maybe afternoon. I couldn't have been happier. I didn't have to go looking for water anymore, it was right here. What if it's poisonous? Could the Gamemakers be that cruel?

Yes, yes they could be.

"You're up, finally," boomed a voice.

I shrunk into the cave as a figure came into the cave. I just stared as he came in to see me. Shane was here. This has got to be his camp...or I'm dreaming and this isn't real.

"I thought you were going to be out forever." He knelt down beside me, I watched him carefully. "You're not going to speak?"

I shook my head.

"Fine, suit yourself."

I showed him the leaves I peeled off my neck. "They helped you with the venom. You were out for two days, Crystal."

Two days? I hadn't felt like I had been in a long sleep. I put a hand to my head, feeling it pulse violently.

"It'll go away soon. I also patched up your arm, too." He reached for my arm, rolling up the jacket sleeve. My left arm was bandaged. I was stunned, looking at Shane for an answer. "I think your district partner got you during all that chaos when I dropped the nest, or it was the girl from Four. I figured you hadn't felt a thing. I noticed it when I brought you back here."

My fingers brushed his handiwork. Bane had slashed me with his sword or Jenna had with one of her knives. We wouldn't know for sure. I hadn't felt anything sharp slice my skin, so I couldn't tell Shane who dealt me the damage. I can't stand this. He won't give me the information I want. I had so many questions for him. The only way I would get answers was if I spoke.

"How bad was I with the venom?" I muttered.

"Ah, so you are speaking," he teased. "Well, you were screaming, and then you looked like you were trying to reach for your mom—you thought you saw her. I tried to get you away, and then you bit my hand."

"I was desperate," I said defensively.

"Way to say 'I'm sorry,'" he retorted. "Anyway, you passed out, and then I carried you back here."

"So there were no burning trees?"

"No."

"And I wasn't coughing up blood?"

"No."

"How come you didn't get stung?" I complained.

"I did, but it was only once. I was able to help myself out. You were a little worse off than me."

Of course I was. "This is your place?" I asked.

"Has been for a while," he boasted. "Nobody other than me has come across it. It's nice."

"I have so many questions..."

"Ask them later. You need to eat." He sauntered over to an area of the cave. I saw he had a few bits of food on the blanket I had in my pack.

Shane brought me back some berries, a few crackers, and a piece of bread. My stomach rumbled at the sight of them. He left me alone with the food while sitting at the edge, near the waterfall.

I watched him curiously as I nibbled on the food. If I still had venom in my system, I could throw the food back up. I didn't want to do that. I couldn't afford to puke up food that I might not get again for a while.

Why did Shane take me away from Bane and Jenna? Had he intended on killing us all with the nest, or was it there by chance and he used it to make an escape? I wondered if Bane or Jenna were dead, or if anybody else was. Two days could hold a lot of action.

My fingers nudged something cold and metal. I looked down, picking up my knife. I was surprised Shane didn't toss it away, knowing I could kill him with it. Wait. The darts and the gun. I found them still in my jacket.

I smirked; Shane didn't know what he had just done.

He brought home a Career, someone who was out to kill him when she didn't the first time.

I knew what I was going to do later tonight. I'd inherit all of this: the cave, Shane's food, water source, and weapons when I took him out of the picture.

But what then? I couldn't go back to Bane and Jenna; they probably still thought I betrayed them. It's game on, then. Once Shane is dead, they'll be on my list as well.

* * *

I kept my distance from Shane all day. I went to the waterfall, hesitant to take water. He assured me it was safe, he had been drinking the water for days ever since he found the place. I had to take his word for it and took some. When I didn't die after a half hour, I knew the water wasn't contaminated with poison or anything. I used what water I could and cleaned myself off as well. There was no way I was risking being seen stark naked in front of cameras so all of Panem could see. There was a lake the waterfall streamed into, perfect for bathing in.

For the most part it was a bland day. Shane never left his—or soon-to-be my—camp. After the food he fed me when I had woken up, I didn't eat again. My stomach had shriveled over my time here in the arena. I considered that to be a good but dangerous thing.

When night was near, Shane pulled himself away from the waterfall, deeper into the cave with me.

"Did anybody die while I was out?" I asked quietly.

"No," he confirmed. He seemed sad about it. I was, too. "Something will happen soon, though. The Gamemakers won't let things get too boring."

Right, boring Games wasn't good for the Gamemakers. The audience loved a good, bloody, constant-action Games. Something will happen, all right. I'll kill you, like I should have. I kept my excitement hidden in my eyes; I didn't want Shane to become suspicious of me.

If Shane had noticed a change in my mood, he wasn't letting me on that he knew. Instead he wandered off, taking a spot to lie down in on the cave floor. I grabbed my knife, my muscles twitching to get it through Shane's heart. His back was turned to me. If I moved quietly, maybe I could shove it through him from behind. At least he'd be dying in his sleep...maybe.

With the waterfall to mute my steps, I slowly rose, slinking over towards him. I had a mischievous glint in my eyes. My heart thudded just anticipating my kill. Once I was just behind him, I considered maybe his neck was the better target. He could die that way too, being stabbed in the throat. As long as he died, I didn't care where or what I stabbed.

Grinning maliciously, I shoved the knife down for his exposed neck.

I gasped when a hand clamped around my wrist, preventing me from shoving the knife further. Shane rolled onto his feet, knocking me onto the floor. How could he have known I was going to attack? Was he a mind reader? Don't be stupid, nobody can read minds.

Screeches of outrage echoed in the cave as he and I rolled for control. Somehow, he ended up holding me down. The hand with my knife wriggled around, desperate to connect with something—whether his clothing or his skin. My face scrunched into an expression of fury.

"Did you think I was that stupid?" Shane chuckled.

I stomped the cave floor with my feet, showing my frustration. I glared at him. "Yes," I huffed. "You're stupid for healing me and keeping me here. You know what I am; you know that I can kill without hesitation."

"You hesitated once before, and you had not too long ago."

"I didn't this time."

"True."

"What's the reason for keeping me here, anyway? To make me trust you only for you to kill me when I least expect it?" I snarled. "You made a big mistake in taking me back here with you, Shane."

"I don't think I did."

I tried to buck him off me, but he held me down tight. My nostrils flared angrily. "You know that this is dangerous for you. Why won't you fight and try to kill me?"

"That's not my plan," he said simply. "Unlike you, I have some humanity left. I don't kill for sport like you do."

"I don't kill people for fun; I do it because it helps me get closer to winning. I say you start running, kid, far away from here, unless you want me to kill you."

"You won't kill me."

I snorted. "What's in your head? Face it, it's inevitable. Do you even know what you're doing anymore?"

"Actually, yes, I do, Crystal." His face hovered just above mine. "Believe me."

It was as if his gaze melted away my fury and my lust to kill him. My body went limp, my muscles not twitching for a fight. I couldn't kill this boy. I wasn't sure why I couldn't kill him, because I killed in the Cornucopia bloodbath. Shane hasn't tried to kill me himself, I realized. He hasn't really attacked me, unless I consider the tracker jacker nest an attack. I wasn't sure whether that was an attack or a distraction to grab me and run.

Shane eyed me warily, slowly letting me go. He sat on his knees. I threw myself up, crawling back to my little space. I could still feel his gaze on me. I bet he was going to stay up all night until I fell asleep now.

I didn't feel the urge to stab Shane in his throat or his heart anymore, let alone stab him period. As I turned away from him, the waterfall deafening my ears, I put the knife just in front of me.

I knew why I couldn't kill him—he never once tried to kill me. He never tried to fight me. He was trying to keep out of trouble as much as possible, something that I couldn't do because I was a Career. Careers always got into scraps, whether with each other or other tributes. It was our thing; it was a natural instinct of ours.

I never felt for the knife again nor felt the urge to try another sneak attack on Shane for the rest of the night.

* * *

I wasn't sure how the waterfall became background noise for me when I had only heard it for two days. Well, technically it was four if you counted the two I was knocked out for.

I wasn't sure what day it was in the arena, and I bet Shane had no idea as well. Nobody kept marks on a wall as to how many days had passed. A week definitely had to have at least gone by now, there was no way we could be just entering only a week's time in the arena.

My left side ached as I sat up, welcomed by the waterfall and what sunlight poked through the mouth of the cave. I shook my hair, feeling my moon charm hit against my skin. I rubbed it. It brought me good luck definitely; I was still alive and survived the tracker jacker venom. I can't lose this.

"Good, you're up," Shane piped over the waterfall. "I was going to wake you up soon."

I staggered to my feet, leaving the knife at my feet. "Why?" I stretched.

"I'm going out hunting."

"Oh?"

"We need food. I gave you all that I had left to eat." He shrugged.

Okay, now I felt kind of bad, eating the rest of his food. I thought he had more on him.

"I figure I can go out and gather a little bit, maybe catch something, too."

"Like you caught me with that trap of yours?"

"Yeah, that was designed for that very purpose—to disable tributes from escaping." He grinned. I rolled my eyes. "I don't know how long I'll be, but I'll come back before sunset. If I don't, I wouldn't get too worried. Unless you hear a cannon go off, then you can get worried."

I doubt I will if it's you. I wouldn't have to kill you, and I'd get all of what you found the day you found it. I really wanted to say that, but I held my tongue. I couldn't be too hard on him since he wrapped up my arm, helped me out with the venom, and carried me away from Jenna's and Bane's fury.

I hated to admit it, but I owed Shane one or more than one if I thought about it. He definitely owed me an explanation as to why on earth he had me here along with him. I wasn't someone to be trusted.

"Wait, are you just relying on traps for food, and gathering?" I questioned him.

"Pretty much," he admitted. "I doubt I'll get a sponsor from the daring move I made with you a few days ago. I'm on my own now—or, we are anyway."

"I don't qualify this as an alliance," I snorted, folding my arms across my chest.

"I do." Shane left the mouth of the cave.

I peeked through the water to see a little path leading down the cave to the ground. Shane had a bow and small pack of arrows perched just outside the cave. Reckless was the first word that came to mind when seeing that. Another tribute could easily steal his weaponry! He would be left with nothing if someone found it. Lucky for him nobody had. Wait a second...

Something occurred to me. Ben had been shot with an arrow, and so had I. Bella from District Seven was the only one to have a bow and arrow—or so I thought. Jenna knew she had seen Bella with a bow and arrow. Did Jenna not see Shane grab the same weaponry? Did Shane shoot Ben instead? Had he shot an arrow into my leg?

Wait, no, that can't be right. Jenna saw Bella shoot me with one, I recalled. Maybe we Careers had been closer to Shane than we thought.

Speaking of what was left of the pack, I had no doubt they were looking for me, and for Shane. I knew who each wanted: Bane wanted to kill Shane, and no doubt Jenna wanted me. There was no way Bane would try and kill me—he was too in-love with me to do such a thing. But he's a Career, I'm a traitor now. Would that change his feelings for me? I wondered.

There was no way that I was going to leave this safe haven that only Shane and I knew about. Since Shane was gone, perhaps I could have some me time. I couldn't remember the last time I was left alone and by myself, really.

Besides, if Shane was keeping me around for however long, I needed to mooch off of him for as long as I could.