21. Who Am I Really?

Something was tickling my nose. I blew, hoping to drive it away. It invaded my nose again. This time I snorted, turning my head. I felt something rough on my cheek.

I picked my head up, rubbing it. It felt like...dirt. Dirt? I pried my eyes open to see I was lying on the ground, on my stomach.

I tried to push myself up, but my back screamed in protest. I collapsed back down to the ground. I craned my head up to see no blue sky, nothing but clouds. I wondered if the Gamemakers decided to put rain in the forecast for today.

I inched my legs under me, slowly trying to push my back up. It tightened up, and I collapsed on my side, cursing in my head. If I was having this much trouble just trying to stand up because of a sore back, I could only imagine how much worse I'd be if I was up and walking. I couldn't imagine trying to run without my back hurting.

How did I end up on the ground? I remembered Bane offering his services as a mattress for me last night.

Victor had rolled into the fallen tree that nearly killed me last night, his hands under his head. Jenna looked like she was dead, lying still, her nose twitching, and a knife lying on her chest, clutched between her hands. I bet she was trying to play possum; there was no way she could fall asleep like that.

"You're awake," Bane whispered.

"You finally noticed?" I retorted. I squirmed restlessly. "Damn tree. If it hadn't fallen on me, I'd be up and running."

"How would you have been able to see it toppling over in the dark?" I heard him move behind me. "We didn't carry night vision goggles."

"We should have packed those," I sighed. "Speaking of last night, why am I on the ground?"

"Beats me. You probably rolled off." Maybe I did because I knew you'd get too comfortable last night. "Whoa, just stay down." I felt him put a hand on my side as I tried once again to move. "That's not a smart thing to do."

"Yeah, well, lying here isn't smart, either," I snapped. My hand grabbed my back. "I think I'm feeling older than I really am. I'm going through a mid-life crisis already—severe back pain."

"You're being overdramatic. I can help somehow, maybe."

"Unless you've got medicine on you to magically make my back feel young again, I doubt it."

"Stop being snippy with me and trust me for once, will you?"

I groaned. What choice did I have at this point? "Fine."

I recoiled when Bane moved his hands under my shirt to feel my back. I tensed, ready to backhand him if it was necessary. I waited, ready to make an excuse to slap him. I put my fist in my mouth when he started digging hard into my back with his fingers. Does he seriously think a massage is going to help me? It's making me worse!

My other hand bit into the ground, trying to help me fight off the intense pain. Bane did something, because my back started to feel better. My fingers unclenched the earth, a sign that I would make it through this without screaming in pain. I felt it safe to take my fist out of my mouth.

My muscles relaxed. I put my head on the ground. "Please tell me your mother is a doctor, because there's no way you found this out on your own," I grumbled, closing my eyes.

"Close. My mom used to have pains like this a lot. I've been doing this for her for years ever since I figured it out," he explained. "It works every time."

I was able to use my arm to help me partially sit upright without my back throbbing. I rubbed the back of my neck. At least that didn't feel sore.

I could tell Bane was seeing how much longer I could take this, because he wasn't stopping. The funny thing was, I didn't want him to stop. He was working wonders on me. I wondered if he could cure any illness if I became sick in the arena. Not unless he's a pharmacy, I reminded myself harshly. Hands can only do so much in terms of healing.

A small smile crept on my lips, but it faded five seconds later. I knew I wasn't crazy, or still asleep, so I didn't imagine Bane tenderly kissing my neck. I knew it wouldn't be just helping me sort out my back. I considered injuring him, but I was sure Jenna and Victor wouldn't take to that very well. Just approach this in a calm manner.

Like that was possible—to approach a situation calmly when Bane was involved.

"Bane," I said in a warning tone, "I think you overstepped a boundary."

"Sorry." His hands slid off my back. He better not try again. He's lucky I didn't slice his face with the knife. I snorted.

Now sitting up straight, I stretched my back carefully. I figured I would walk a little bit, so I got to my feet, whipping out the knife from my jacket. At least I hadn't been stabbed by it last night.

Bane was brushing out the grass from his dirty hair. I shook my hair. Jenna yawned, sitting up. Her eyes looked sleepy, but I knew it wouldn't take her long to get energized and going.

"I didn't miss anything, did I?" she asked sleepily, working out the kinks in her neck.

"Not really," I admitted. "Get Victor up, we're heading back."

"Why should we?" She crossed her arms.

"Do you want to starve? I don't know about you, but I want breakfast."

"What about hunting?" Jenna pouted.

"You can go back out after we eat," I said simply. "Nobody is going out alone; we're all heading back to the Cornucopia."

"I heard something about breakfast?" Victor mumbled.

"We're heading back the way we came," Bane told him. "I doubt it'll be an easy journey back, with the earthquake and all."

"I highly doubt it did that much damage," I scoffed.

"Crystal, four tributes died, and you nearly got killed."

"I meant damage in the sense of us heading back. You know, what we'll be walking into?"

"Well, judging by what happened last night, we can expect downed trees," Victor said. "Maybe some splits in the ground, too. Won't know how deep they are until we come across some."

"Let's just hope there's not too much of a gap if there are splits. I can't jump far," Jenna said.

It took us five minutes to get everything packed up in our packs. Victor, Bane, and I headed back for the Cornucopia. Jenna hesitated, looking over at the undiscovered territory, where tributes could be lurking. But she decided food was more important, so she grudgingly tagged along, bringing up the rear.

Bane and I took the lead; Victor lagged just a little to keep tabs on Jenna—probably to make sure she wouldn't abandon us because her head was too deep in killer mode. I kept a small gap between Bane and I. Each time our arms brushed, I brought mine closer to my side. I didn't look at him as we made our way back.

There were moderate cracks in the arena's ground, some tiny and not noticeable. Others you could clearly see. There were a few downed trees, but they weren't as massive as the one that had fallen on me last night.

"Jenna?" Victor's voice penetrated the silence that had fallen over us. I stopped to look. Victor was looking at Jenna, and she was looking behind her. Her body was crouched. Was someone following us? My grip on the knife got tight. "Did you see something?"

"I'm not sure," she growled.

"Did you hear anything?"

"Yeah, but I don't know what it was."

"Let's keep moving," Bane suggested. He stalked off, Victor and I waited until Jen got in front of us before we started moving along again.

My stomach growled, sounding like a volcano erupting. If the boys hadn't eaten all we took with us, we could have split what was left between us. Sure, the rations would have been extremely small, but little food was better than no food.

The way back seemed long to me, but we made it back into the open field. The silver horn wasn't basking in sunlight today. I saw the ground was split dangerously wide around the Cornucopia, like our shelter could easily fall should the ground beneath it collapse. I didn't see Ben or Aubrey outside of it. They definitely had to have felt the tremors last night. I saw no splits going inside the horn, so there was no danger for them.

"Wow," Jenna said, giving a low whistle. "At least it's not in the horn."

"Don't jinx it," Victor muttered.

We made our way to the Cornucopia.

"I need to eat," Jenna whined.

"So do I," I said calmly. "We'll all eat once we're inside, then you can go hunt whoever the hell you want."

"I will after I see how Ben is." Jenna trotted ahead of the group.

We took our time getting to the horn. Jenna was ten feet from it when suddenly a loud explosion jolted us. The ground shook violently, knocking us all onto the ground. More explosions rang in our ears. I covered my ears to muffle the noise.

I watched in horror as the ground around the Cornucopia broke, taking the silver horn and all our belongings down with it. All the food, all the weapons...

Then I realized Ben and Aubrey were probably inside. Someone had to keep watch over our base, and Ben was too weak to really go out hunting. There was no way out for them, they had no chance of escaping.

"No!" Jenna shouted. She nearly fell into the ground just trying to run to the hole. With shaky legs, I made my way over, Bane and Victor galloped behind me. I stopped at the hole's edge, appalled.

I never knew the Cornucopia could break apart into sheets of metal. I thought it was an unbreakable shelter, that nothing could maul it. A bomb could, a bomb and split earth below it. Smoke rose from the hole.

"BEN!" Jenna shouted. She tried to lower herself down in the hole, I grabbed her arm.

"Don't be stupid!" I hissed at her. She slapped me hard to where I let go of her. My mouth dropped in shock. Okay, you want to fight? Bring it.

"He might still be alive! If you want to help, fine, just don't stop me." Jenna slid down into the hole, Victor tailed her.

Bane held me away from the hole. A cannon sounded. It hit me like someone shot me in the heart. Jenna was going to be furious either way, because there was no way that this cannon was meant for anyone else other than Aubrey or Ben.

Victor ripped away small debris while Jen watched him, frightened. I gasped when I saw Ben's head. How he was still alive, it was amazing. He was recovering from a wound near his heart. So we lost Aubrey. We might lose Ben too, I thought gravely. It looked like there would be no final six consisting of the Career pack. There was still hope for the final four, though.

Jenna hovered over Ben. Her voice was shrill and shaky, her body trembled. A second cannon sounded. I shut my eyes, inhaling. We lost Ben.

Jenna let out a wail that made my bones rattle. Victor tried to approach her, but she nearly slit his throat—she went at him with a knife. Victor backed off, pulling himself out of the hole.

"We better give her some time alone," I suggested.

"What did this anyway?" Victor panted. He looked down pitifully at Jen; her head was hung as her body shook. "The Gamemakers?"

"Maybe," I considered. "Or maybe someone got a hold of grenades and—"

"Wait!" Bane cut me off. "There!"

I turned my head to the direction Bane was now charging to. Victor seemed to have seen what Bane did because he tore off, too, in pursuit of whatever the Bane had seen. I squinted my eyes to see a flash of orange hair. I wasn't sure who it was—it definitely wasn't District 13's girl—but it was a tribute nevertheless.

We Careers had a thing about killing a member of the pack: you killed one; we killed you in return. This also most likely answered our question as to how the ground beneath the Cornucopia imploded, taking the silver horn, all our inventory, and Aubrey and Ben down with it.

I ran after the boys, hearing Jenna huffing behind me. Her face was tearstained, but she recovered quickly, going from upset to outraged in less than a minute.

We burst into the woods, hearing the boys call for us to catch up. I saw movement to my right and pursued that instead, leaving Jen, Bane, and Victor to deal with their target. This tribute had an accomplice; I could hear him puffing ahead of me.

Show no mercy. He's the reason Ben and Aubrey are dead. Be the reason he'll be dead, I encouraged myself. I saw a few flashes of his jacket's hood. Anger fueled my legs to sprint in a mad fury. My jaw clenched.

When I saw the back of his jacket, I gave a battle cry and lunged.

I grabbed his legs, taking him down to the ground with me. I climbed on his back, trying to get my knife in his throat, but he knocked the knife away. I bit my tongue and tried to choke him. He and I rolled along the ground, me screeching, trying to get an advantage over him.

We rolled back towards my knife. I snatched it up, straddling the boy at his hips. I managed to pin down both of his arms as well. I breathed manically, bloodlust coursing through my veins.

I pressed my arm into his throat, knife just under his chin. Once I saw his eyes, though, my body froze. I knew these gray eyes, the shaggy—now dirty—blond hair.

It was Shane, from District 12.

I swallowed. I had no doubt that the girl Jen, Bane, and Victor were hunting down was his district partner.

"Go on, do it," Shane coughed. "You've got me."

He was just giving up? No last attempts to fight me off? Some fighter Katniss and Peeta trained him to be. He's no fighter; he's a coward, a quitter. Panem was about to be disappointed, because the boy who I bet had as good odds as the Career pack did was about to die by my hands.

My hand shook, my arm felt like something was holding it back. Go on, do it. He's not fighting!

But for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to kill the boy from 12.

The knife was at my side, but my arm was still on his throat. I could feel him trying to breathe normally again. I couldn't understand why I was hesitating.

A girl's scream made me look up. A cannon sounded. No doubt it had to be Shane's district partner, because I highly doubt she had a chance to kill Jenna. That tallied up the deaths today so far to three. It would be four, if I wasn't hesitating!

I looked back at Shane, who looked placid. Like he would be okay dying by my hand right this second.

The Career part of me was demanding that I slit his throat, but instead I did the opposite. I backed off of him. He scrambled to his feet, looking at me, puzzled.

"Go," I barked. "Go before I regret it."

Shane looked at me, a foot taking a step back. He was just as shocked as I was. I didn't know how I got the power to say those words to an enemy. I gestured for Shane to run off.

"Crystal, where are you?" Jenna shouted. Shane's eyes widened and he ran in the opposite direction the rest of the pack was coming from. I stood rooted to the ground.

"There you are!" Bane chirped as he came to meet me first, Victor and Jenna trailing him. "I thought you were following us?"

"I thought I saw someone else," I said, shrugging.

"Who was it? Was it the boy from Twelve? We got his partner," Jenna sang. I could tell she had done the damage; her face was splattered with a few stripes of blood, her hands were the worst. "She was too easy to take down."

"Did she do that or did the Gamemakers?" I mean, the Gamemakers couldn't be playing favorites—that was the sponsors' job.

"Oh, she confessed. I made sure she did. She had nothing to save her."

Just like Shane didn't, I realized. That was why he gave in: he knew he had no chance of fighting me off since he wasn't armed.

"Well?" Victor pressed. "Who was it?"

"I'm not sure. They got away," I lied. There was no way in hell that I was going to tell them that I let Shane go. I'd be killed for sure. If that ever let slip and they asked me why I did it, their guess would be as good as mine.

I had no idea why I let Shane live. I bet my dad wasn't proud of me, or Ross. I bet at least Mom was happy that I didn't kill another kid in the Games.

"Well, we got our revenge...somewhat," said Bane.

"A life for a life," Jenna crooned. "She should have known what she was getting into the moment she dealt her damage. Now it's her partner's turn, whoever he is and wherever he is."

"You don't know it's a he, though," I said carefully.

"I'm pretty sure both of Twelve stuck together. Her district partner has to be her accomplice."

"We've still got daylight," I piped. "We can still go looking for them. We'll just have to use what we've got in our packs; we can't use the Cornucopia anymore."

I saw Jenna wince at the mention of that place. She lost Ben—we all did—just as we all lost Aubrey in that explosion.

"Well, since you saw them, you lead the way," Bane said, his tone even once again.

Pick a random direction and lead them, they'll never know. I picked the first direction I thought of, which was behind me, and we started in that direction.

I was feeling a bundle of mixed emotions. I was furious at myself for not being able to kill Shane, but sort of grateful that I spared him. I felt a little bit guilty because I just lied to my pack, and if they found out, I'd surely get punished for it—and most likely end up dead.

Throughout the day, Jenna kept trying to search for tracks, whether it was animal or human. Since we had no food left, we were on our own and were going to have to hunt for food. Victor almost suggested cannibalism, but Jen and I rejected it. That was downright disgusting and disturbing on so many levels. Besides, I was sure Gamemakers wouldn't want to show that to all of Panem.

As soon as night fell, we decided to make do with what we had and made camp. All we had left were the weapons we had, two blankets, and water. Unless Jenna packed something extra with her, that's all we had. We all took camp in front of a huge tree whose roots were tall and big enough to shield us from the bitter winds that just picked up.

Jenna mindlessly stabbed the ground around her, not even looking where she stabbed. Victor sat near her, a little cautious still to try and approach her. I kept my distance, too. Who knew what was going on in her head, let alone how unstable she was?

I let my hair down, letting it shield my face from the pack's eyes. I burrowed my head between my knees. The wind whistled above our heads. I frowned. What I had done earlier shocked me, and I bet all of Panem as well. It was not in a Career's nature to let a tribute live, unless it was part of a game in which they'd let the prey run and then capture it again. It would continue for a little while until the Career slaughtered their victim, finally ending their victim's misery.

How come I didn't play that game with him? How come I just let him go and didn't bother hunting him down like it was just a game? I bet any of the other three would do that if they had caught Shane—Bane and Jenna more than Victor. Since I let Shane live a little bit longer, what did that say about me?

On the one hand, it would mean that I was a traitor to the pack—that I wasn't a Career at all. I was acting like an innocent who got chosen against her will in the reaping, with nobody to volunteer to save her from this fate. I was acting like someone who didn't want to kill anyone while in the arena. But that's not me. I slit that boy's throat back on day one. I remembered that was the only kill I ever made during these Hunger Games so far. I could have had a second kill earlier today.

But that wasn't who I was. No, I was Crystal Springs, a sixteen-year-old girl from District 1 who had been training with her father so she could one day get reaped and be thrown into a Hunger Games, where she would emerge the victor. I was part of the feared Career pack, a pack consisting of well-trained killers from wealthier districts. I was a girl who dreamed of this moment ever since she wanted it to become a dream of hers. That was the person I was, who I was in the arena.

Yet...that girl disappeared just long enough for me to save a life.

Victor's yelp made me jump, hitting my head against the bark of the tree. I hissed, grabbing it.

"Oops," Jenna squeaked. "Sorry."

"You stabbed me!" he squawked. He grabbed his hand.

"Hold on, I brought the medicine." I heard Jenna rummage through her pack.

"You snuck it into your pack?" Bane asked.

"Mhm," Jen confirmed. "It won't sting, I promise."

"I didn't see her put it in," I whispered to Bane.

"There. It should be perfect by tomorrow. Sorry, again," Jen whimpered.

"Watch where you stab next time," Victor said calmly.

"I'll try."

"Since you seem to be wired," Bane said slowly, "how about you take the first shift, Jenna?"

"You really think that's a good idea?" I asked him.

"Why not?"

"She's unstable," I said lowly. "What if she goes insane and kills us all?"

"You're being ridiculous. I trust her."

Yeah, for now. We'd all learn soon to distrust each other and turn on one another. The time wouldn't be for a while yet, so we all had to get what we could out of this alliance.

Jenna accepted Bane's suggestion and shimmied up the tree. Victor watched her climb, grabbing his hand. I rested against the trunk of the tree, my mind on Shane still. He was replaced by the Capitol seal and anthem, and the fallen tributes' pictures. Aubrey was shown first, then Ben, and finally the girl from 12.

"Some game changer, huh?" Bane murmured.

"Yeah," I said dazedly, my eyes ripping away from the sky the moment the seal winked out. "There's still a chance for it to be us in the final four." I messed with my moon charm.

"Are you feeling okay?"

"Not really. I mean, I thought we were invincible, the six of us. I thought we'd make it."

"I think the Gamemakers leveled it out for the others by giving us that earthquake." He rubbed my shoulder. "And I bet Twelve saw it as a chance to knock us all out."

"They missed a bunch of us, still." I cracked a smile, but it didn't feel genuine. It felt forced. I was happy I was still breathing, but a bunch of other emotions were trumping my rejoicing.

"We'll make it. Once we do, let the best Career win."

That best Career was going to be me, no matter how convinced the others were that it would be them. I wasn't going to let them win, let alone let myself be the first one killed off if it did work out for us being the final four.