Gifty
Lagos, Nigeria

I already realized how selfish I was when Mrs. Karen made mention of the word, 'betrayed'. It struck a chord in me that I should have been sensitive to from inception. I hated my actions so bad that when she gave me her mobile phone to dial my mother's number, I didn't see it as her putting me in a terrible situation. I saw it as her being merciful.

Ordinarily, I would have been sick enough to think she was being mean to me and that she was also not on my side like everyone else and I hated that I ever reasoned like that. That side of me that had now been open to reality helped me see things for what they truly were.

Why did anyone have to be on my side when I already was on the path to self-destruction? What was promising about my ways and everything affiliated to me? It was insanely selfish of me to have wanted anyone to hop on my bandwagon at all and now that side of me that helped me see things for what they were didn't only make me detest my repulsive actions.

It made me hate my nature; my person and I'd solely wired myself to be an embodiment of selfishness yet kept blaming it on other people. I was disgusted by myself and everything happening only exposed me further to the urgent need for thorough self-evaluation, reorientation, and reconstruction.

Gaius came to my house a few days after my birthday. Even though I had already made the call to confess what I knew to my mother a day after my birthday, I still didn't feel any better especially after knowing why he came.

It was a surprise for me when I was just about heading out of the house with my violin bag strapped to my shoulder then I saw him talking to Mrs. Karen in an extremely serious tone by the balcony outside the window. My heart pounded fiercely beneath my chest. I was very curious.

He had already confessed to Mrs. Karen so what else could they be discussing that made her want to listen to him at all? She was supposed to be very furious with him. I peeped through the window to eavesdrop on their conversation.

"My dad and Barrister Peret are plotting to put Barrister Yemisi in trouble. They are aware that I reported me to you so they want to prevent the truth from getting to Barrister Yemisi because they know that would be the ultimate doom."

"The truth is going to get her anyway. I've already mandated Gifty to tell the truth to her mother, " Mrs. Karen seemed unfazed telling from how she had responded.

"That's not my point ma'am, " worry displayed itself louder on his face. "Even if the truth gets or has already gotten to her, it doesn't change the fact that she might be in trouble. Barrister Peret knows that Barrister Yemisi was having one of her men tail his movements because she was suspicious as to why he wasn't responding to her calls and texts since he promised to help you expose the guy who showed up at the prison yard. But ever since he discovered that the guy was me, he switched sides since he works with my Dad and is a lot closer to him.

"So to protect me, he wanted to accuse Barrister Yemisi of stalking him and wants to have the law punish her for it. He plans on using his sick wife as an excuse for why he hasn't been responding to her calls and texts. The fact that Barrister Yemisi also knows about his ill wife puts her more on the defenseless side because it will be harder for her to prove her reason for having someone monitor him.

"He also wants to lie against Gifty and accuse her of falsely tagging me as a rapist and telling you about it when it was I who did so. This might sound like an asinine thing to do since it would be hard to fathom why Gifty would want to possibly tell such a 'lie' against me but it's scary that it is reasonably achievable because he said this would be an easy scenario to establish if you didn't record my confession. That way, they would be able to do what they want. Just to protect me. I don't want that."

Mrs. Karen was speechless for minutes. Many emotions reflected on her face. Of course, she was shocked to learn that Barrister Peret was a filthy, ass-licking scumbag, ready to take sides with anyone that would give him more longevity in sovereignty but it was almost as if she saw it coming.

What I didn't fail to take note of in the flag of emotions that she felt while she stood staring at Gaius was her growing flicker of admiration for him. She knew she wasn't supposed to have any positive feelings of any kind towards him talk more of admiration or respect but with the look on her face and the fat tear that leaked through her eyes, I could tell at that moment that she was simply allowing herself to feel her feelings.

But while she felt those things, I on the other hand felt even worse than I could have ever felt in my entire life. I was gravely disappointed in myself to see that Gaius who wasn't family was more concerned and interested in protecting my mother and my family than I was.

One might see it as him seeking help indirectly because he had no power of his own but it was more than that. Gaius was a fearless person. He would do whatever he has set his mind to do. I had gotten to know that for a fact but his face showed all of the concern in the world for my mother but there I was, someone who had ditched her own family.

My promises to help my aunt dissipated into vanity when the opportunity for me to fulfill it came. The fact that I had already called my mother to confess didn't even make me feel any better because I didn't do it when I had a choice.

When I saw that Mrs. Karen wasn't going to say a word anytime soon as she seemed to be too taken aback by the realization of everything, I opened the door intending to leave the house but I knew better. Yet I made the decision.

Immediately, Gaius and I exchanged eye contact and it stayed for a good while. Mrs. Karen couldn't even disrupt it.

As my mind overworked itself with thoughts, I realized I was lost in my gaze, swift seconds of oblivion that I was desperate to retrieve back once I'd lost it and I did lose it when I realized that Gaius was able to fathom the guilt swirling in my eyes to my surprise.

I was expecting him to think I still hated him for choosing to turn himself in, to think that I still wanted him by my side. I even expected him to avoid my eyes completely but when he deciphered my current sentiments, I was more surprised to see that he wasn't judging me.

Instead, his facial expression was more of an 'I-have-to-do-what-I-ought-to-do-regardless-of-whatever-emotions-you-must-be-feeling' and it was even the most surprising thing that he was able to convey that message with some sort of care and maturity.

It was a complex phenomenon that I couldn't describe adequately but something about the way he looked at me while expressing those messages was oddly satisfying even though I was in a shithole and somehow, deep within I knew it was because...I still sought validation from him.

I still wanted him not to hate me despite how much of a mess I was. I still loved him so much and I wanted something near to reciprocation of that feeling from him. It was insane. I was a trashy person who needed to do a lot of work on herself. It was crystal clear and I knew I had a long way to go.

Quickly, after that non-verbal conversation that transpired between us, I walked past him and out of the house. It was difficult for me not to bother whether his eyes were on me as I walked away and just thought of my upcoming violin competitions instead.

My violin was less concerned if I was in the mood or not. I had to go to school and practice harder than ever. Flashbacks of my phone conversation with my mother were the thought that I needed to keep me from thinking any further about Gaius.

It wasn't difficult for me to confess because I wanted to protect anyone but the guilt had swallowed me whole and when I finally spoke, her happy tone transmitted to a severely devastated one. Like she had spent so many days crying.

She didn't even pay attention to the fact that I chose my boyfriend over her. Maybe she did but she seemed to be more affected by the fact that I had a boyfriend all along in the first place and that he was the guy she was looking for. She was just as speechless as Mrs. Karen and the memory of it brought tears to my eyes.

I had a long way to go and every single thing served as exposure to that fact.

I had barely hit the rickety stairs at the music school when I ran into Kosi. She was another problem that I didn't even think I would have to deal with. What did she even know? I wasn't harboring those thoughts from a selfish place of wanting her to be by my side but what business did she ever have with my brother especially after I had opened up to her about the feud that was going on between us?

I couldn't understand it.

I made a move to ascend through the stairs while she was descending. I was wrong...probably delusional even to think that she would stop and want to utter a word or two to me. Instead, she simply walked past me like she never saw me in the first place.

I stopped moving, slinging my bag over my shoulders for the umpteenth time.

"Why?" I asked.

My monosyllabic question stopped her in her strides. As it should. If I wasn't quite irritated by her saltiness and generally an emotional wreck, I would have grinned as the act reminded me of those scenes that happened quite too often in Korean dramas.

"Why ask why?" she answered without turning to look at me. That alone made my blood boil by another degree and what was that question?

"Why did you suddenly get close with my brother especially when you knew that I wasn't on good terms with him? And that silly lie you told me when I saw the two of you at Mrs. Karen's party...what was that? You had no business trying to be in the middle of a sibling affair. I felt stabbed in the back you know?"

Again just like a typical movie scene, she turned her back to face me, and deep down, I knew she was about to say something very unsettling. I did my best to brace myself for it.

"I did that to hurt you, " she said petulantly and it hit me like a bullet straight to the heart. I couldn't swerve my shoulders to avoid that pain no matter how swift I was. It was meant for me. "Zion called me privately to pour out his heart and since I had long heard your side of the story, it was easy for me to pick who to side with. So we just came up with that little act so you could know how it felt like when your brother had to watch you coo over Gaius day and night without giving a shit about how he was feeling or what he was going through when he would literally die for you if you were going through a tough time."

My first instinct was to scoff and ask her the question that was heavy on my mind since I ran into her: "what do you even know about my relationship with my brother?" But Kosi and I had been friends for seven years.

She knew little or nothing about Zion and me but she knew me to a very good extent. For her to have picked Zion's side, it showed that she agreed beyond what he had to share with her. She wouldn't have just chosen to do that to hurt me just to make my brother happy or satisfied. She wasn't after my brother's balls or wanted to create some kind of relationship with him. Kosi was not that friend.

It was most likely because I had hurt in the same way before. I'd chosen something...or someone else over her. I hadn't been the good friend when she needed me to be one.

It had to be that. I mean... I was only just getting exposed to how flawed I was. So it was beyond possible that I had hurt and betrayed people that mattered to me and I wasn't even conscious about it. I'd failed to reason with Zion for one second for the longest time because I had been blinded by my selfishness all along.

I didn't need to argue with Kosi right now. For the sake of everything and most importantly for selfishness. Or maybe just a shoulder to lean on particularly for the fact that she knew nothing about the saga between Gaius, my mother, and my aunt. I could use that to my advantage and at least get her to not necessarily be on my side but at the same time, not walk through this bitter phase alone.

I'd learned my lesson and I was still learning. I didn't want another person deserting me to have it harder.

"I want to say that I wished you had just let me know that I erred you in the past but even if you had, I most likely would not have seen the wrong in what I had done to you just like I didn't with Zion. Whatever I must have done to hurt you in the past, I'm sorry. Please...don't leave my side."

Kosi sighed under her breath then shrugged. She was close to accepting my apology. I could feel it.

"Reconcile with your brother first now that you've learned. You know very well that I don't hold grudges but I just felt like a practical lesson would do the trick for you."

But she didn't.

I had a long way to go and I was afraid to walk through that way.

"The music teacher isn't very pleased with you by the way. He said you're sulking too much and you have to get back right and play the strings like the Gifty he once knew would. It's up to you to do well in the upcoming competitions and maybe I might forgive you soon enough."