I lean forward, inching closer to the window, like I'm sneaking, like I can't just walk out there and see for myself if that red hair belongs to who I think it does. Nausea rolls up my throat.

It better fucking not.

The crowd disperses, their greetings extended, and it's like I've been punched in the gut, all the air inside me being forced out.

A choked gasp escapes my lips.

Maya, her usual rose-tinted sunglasses perched on her delicate, up-turned nose, her skin so fair it gleams under the sun, the deep, fire-red of her hair catching the light whenever she turns, smiles and giggles as she disentangles herself from the crowd. She carries herself airily, gracefully.

Like living is so easy.

Blood rushes behind my ears. My fists shake.

Then, Jordan, just as fair but nearly a foot taller, and with the same flaming hair, leans in from behind her, muttering something in her ear. Her eyes meet her brothers and she throws her head back in a laugh, so free, so safe, that it makes me sick.

The emptiness tears through my chest again, so violently it leaves me gasping, my eyes stinging. I clamp them shut to try and regain composure, control.

Anything, anything to stop the red rage creeping into the corners of my vision.

There was a night, the summer before the accident, when Maya and I stayed out past curfew, determined not to be the losers who left the party early. Not when it was the biggest party of the summer.

For our class at least.

Luke and Casey were staying home, Jordan, too, playing X-box online together, but at their own homes, and pigging out.

We hadn't meant to stay out past curfew, but between the drinks and the cute boys and the music, we lost track of time.

It was Casey who texted me to say Mom and Dad were awake, waiting as the clock counted down. They were beginning to suspect I wasn't at Maya's, like I'd promised. They were threatening to call Mr. and Mrs. Cooper. It was Casey who talked them down, held them at bay as Maya and I scrambled for a ride home.

We made it home in one piece, despite the fact that Maya had convinced Jordan's friend to drive us and he seemed to have an alcoholic stench that surrounded him. I tried not to think of it, hoping, praying, that it was a secondhand smell, or something.

Thankfully, Casey eased Mom and Dad's suspicions enough that they had dozed off before I finally pulled into the driveway.

I met Maya at the smoothie shop the following morning to rehash the night.

"You grounded?" She groaned, rubbing her temples and taking a long slurp from her strawberry cream shake.

"Nope, Case covered. Mom and Dad fell asleep before we managed to get home. In the living room," I rolled my eyes at Maya - they'd done it on purpose, surely, so they'd know when I finally got in. "But Casey snuck me through the back window so they didn't hear a thing. Can't even say I broke curfew, because they were asleep before they could prove it." I put a bit of muffin in my mouth, hang-over nausea creeping over me as it hit my tastebuds. "You?"

"Same here. Jordan covered." She sighed deeply, pressing her hands to her eyes.

"What would we do without those two, huh?" I muttered, a half joke, half sigh of relief.

"No kidding," She laughed, and her nose scrunched up in that way it always did. "Can you imagine what it's like for Brynn? Or Luke?"

"Luke has Laura." I pointed out, chewing my straw now.

"Like she's really there for him." Maya rolled her eyes. "She's always thinking about herself."

"True." I continued biting the straw, blushing a little at Luke's name. I couldn't help it lately, even though I didn't understand why. "But at least he's got us."

"Yeah." Maya agreed, dropping her sunglasses over her eyes and raising to her feet, effectively ending the conversation. "It would really suck to be alone."

My breathing is ragged as the memory fades. I back up from the window, pressing my own hands to my eyes, trying to block out the memory, the cruel thoughts that it stirs.

Alone.

I'm alone now, no big brother to cover for me.  To laugh with. What I would do just to hear him laugh one more time...

And it was all her fault. If she hadn't kissed Luke, if her actions hadn't planted a seed of doubt in Casey all summer, drove a wedge between he and Luke all season, Casey would have never been in that accident.

There would have been no reason for him to leave the party at all, no reason for Luke to take him home to me when he shouldn't have.

So why... I wonder, glaring at her through the windowpane... does she deserve to have her brother?

Why?

And then the sudden urge to rush out there, to demand an answer, to force one from her, overtakes me. I'm out of the bathroom, door slammed behind me, forcing myself not to stomp down the hall.

Why should she live so peacefully, after what she's caused?

I'm through the sliding door and on the porch, my eyes locked on Maya, jaw set and fists clenched, a million different things I want to say to her racing through my mind, when I feel Luke's gaze lock on me.

From my peripherals, I notice his concerned expression, watch him scramble from his seat when he sees the direction I'm headed, notices the glare on my face, the way I'm pinning Maya with my eyes.

I force my feet to move faster across the grass, halting abruptly as a group of toddlers cuts in front of me in a game of tag, not wanting Luke to stop me.

Not wanting anyone to stop me.

This has been years in the making, and I think it's time that Maya finally got a piece of my mind.

Maybe Mr. Henson, too, while I'm at it, for his stupid comment earlier about drinking and driving. And maybe even Laura, if I get the chance, for being so vague and bitchy.

The anger surges out of my every pore and I don't even care if I cause a scene. I'm just so tired of it all. Tired of letting people talk about the accident, about Casey, about me. Like it wasn't the worst thing that could have happened, like it's okay to tarnish his memory.

I'm a several feet away from Maya, who's blissfully oblivious, talking to Mr. Cooper and Mr. Henson, my mouth open to demand she tell me why she's here, when Luke grabs my arm and pulls me to a stop.

"Don't, Dyl." His voice is hot against my ear as he leans in close, trying not to raise attention. He looks over my head and I see Jordan look our way, scanning us, our body language, the looks on our faces, his eyes widening after a second.

"Come on, not here." Luke coaxes, fingers gentle around my arm as he tries to spin me away from Maya.

"Stop," I grunt, temper burning red hot, "Let me talk to her, I just want to-"

"No, you don't." Luke says firmly, pulling me away despite my efforts to stay firmly in place. "Come with me."

He pulls me in one direction and as I stare over my shoulder, my temper flaring as I yank against his hold, I see Jordan casually leading Maya in the opposite direction, towards a game of corn hole far down at the end of the yard.

I watch her retreating form, the words on the tip of my tongue, - Bitch, cheating, lying, traitorous bitch, do you know the pain you caused? - the desire to scream them at her burning through me.

But then I see Brynn, her caramel eyes creased with worry as she watches Luke haul me away, and the words are caught in my throat momentarily.

And then we turn the corner of the big house and Luke let's me go, leaning against the wall. How he's so sure I won't march back over there, I don't know.

But I don't, my seething temper now directed at him. "Why did you stop me!" I shove against his chest, putting distance between us.

"It wasn't the place-"

I don't let him finish, more questions spewing angrily from my lips. "What is she doing here? Do you still hang out with her?"

The question bubbles out of me and I can't even feel silly for it. Every summer, Casey and I went home and the Coopers stayed here, with Luke. They used to see each other then. I thought that stopped after. Did it?

Luke's mouth moves to answer but I demand again, "Why is she here?"

I'm pacing, back and forth again and again, wearing marks into the thick grass.

"No, I don't still hang out with her. Come on, Dyl." He gives me a stern eye. "My parents-"

"Your parents? Don't they know? About her? Don't they know what she did?" My words are rushed, hurried, nearly running into one another.

Luke inhales deeply, eyes narrowing at me, but his expression is otherwise completely calm.

Infuriatingly calm.

My hand tingles with the desire to hit something.

"My mom," Luke's eyes drop, "My mom knows, she knows a little."

"Then why?"

"My dad is still close with Mr. Cooper. Mom doesn't think so highly of Maya these days but... She and Mrs. Cooper... they're friends, Dyl. They invited them today, of course the invitation extends to Maya and Jordan, too. It always has."

That... that makes sense. As much as it pisses me off, it makes sense.

I push my fingers through my hair, trying to slow my breaths as I continue to walk my line back and forth.

"I don't... I can't," I stammer, shaking my head frantically, my anger morphing into exhaustion, exasperation. "I can't stay here if she's here. I want to leave, I don't want to be here anymore if she's here."

The admission takes the fire out of me, leaving a deep tiredness in its wake.

Luke's hand, soft but sturdy, on my shoulder, stops my worried pacing. I look up at him, and he just simply says, "Okay."

My gaze drops, along with my heart. I want so desperately for Luke to tell me that if it hurts me for her to be here, then he'll make her leave, he'll send her away, for me. But he doesn't. And it shatters me, old, familiar doubts filling me up.

Luke uses a long finger to raise my chin, to make me face him again. Gently, sweetly, he nods, already repairing the damage.

"Then let's go."

Like so many times before, we end up at the pier. Casey's pier.

It's late afternoon and as the rain clouds are rolling in, undoubtedly putting a damper on the cookout back at the Henson's, the beach is relatively quiet, except for a couple of figures still hovering on surfboards in the increasingly rough tide.

I face the waves, letting the ocean breeze blow my hair from my face as I sift sand through my fingers. Luke is laid down beside me, hands cupped around his eyes as he watches the storm clouds overhead.

We've been quiet since we left the cookout, about a half-hour earlier. The silence is beginning to be too much.

He'd made the decision I wanted him to, hadn't be? Leaving with me instead of staying with Maya. So it's not that I'm necessarily angry at him anymore, but the rage from today's events still lingers, tensing me up and clamping my mouth shut.

Until I can't take it anymore.

"Why did you bring me there today, Luke?" I look down at him, his squinted eyes in the brightness still shining through the clouds, "Was it payback for the nasty things I've said?"

Why else would he bring me, so Laura and his dad could rip into me? So I could face Maya? He should have known how that would go. He should have seen it coming, he shouldn't have... He shouldn't have brought me.

"Do you really think I'd do that?" He props himself up on his elbow, brows crinkling at me. He shakes his head, sand falling from his hair. "No, Dyl. It wasn't a punishment. It's just been so good being around you again... it felt normal again. I guess I wanted it to be, hoped it was. And the Coopers... It didn't even occur to me that of course Mom would invite them. And of course Maya would come."

"Of course she would?" I repeat, staring at the water again, doubts crashing through my mind like the waves along the shore.

"We don't talk much anymore. Even Jordan and me... But when you told me you and Maya didn't even speak, after the deal we'd made, well, I might've said some things to her, myself." Luke chuckles humorlessly, like he isn't proud of it.

The corner of my mouth twitches up, my curiosity piqued.

"I've seen her around a few times, avoided her mostly. But sometimes it's like she wants to get to me, to talk or something. Maybe she feels bad, wants to made amends." He shrugs, like it doesn't really matter.

If that's the case, it's interesting that I haven't had the same problem - her fighting to get my attention.

"She should feel bad." I snap reflexively.

His face softens as he sits all the way up, hooking his arm around my shoulder and pulling me close to his side. I feel his kiss press against my hair, but he says nothing.

The rain starts to fall, tiny, hard droplets that pelt our skin like ice. The wind picks up around us and the ocean begins to crash more roughly at the shore, like it's temper is flaring.

We sit in quiet as the last, solitary surfer rides the last of the waves into the shoreline, deciding to pack it in for the day. I notice as Luke examines the board from afar, how his head moves almost too little to notice, as he follows the surfer up the sand with his eyes.

"Do you miss it?" I ask, thinking again of his near-fall by the pool, the injury that keeps him from what he loves doing most.

"I miss a lot of things." Luke answers immediately, before turning and putting on a grin for my benefit. "But yeah, surfing is one of them."

His eyes seem far away. The last of my anger dissolves into calm, lasting, familiar sadness, just beneath the surface.

And something comes over me then, a desire to help Luke the way he's helped me, and despite my utter refusal to try before, the words leave my mouth anyways:

"Teach me."

"To surf?" Luke raises an incredulous, dark brow.

I nod. "If you think you can handle a student as stubborn as you claim I am, then yeah. Teach me."

Slowly, like the words are sinking in one by one, a teasing smirk spreads over Luke's face.

"You are absolutely as stubborn as I say you are." He eyes me pointedly. Then he leans in close, his voice lowering so low that it's nothing more than a seductive breath across my lips as he says, "And if the past couple of weeks are any indication, handling you is something I'm very, very good at, Dylan Grace."

that was a close one! Eeep.
thanks for reading! I know I haven't been able to get back to your comments but i really do read/appreciate them all. I'm loving seeing you guys predictions! Keep them up in the comments ♥️
let's do a poll: who do you hate more, Laura Henson, Mr. Henson, or Maya Cooper?
(decisions decisions!)