"What're we waiting for exactly?" I mumble, squinting into the sun behind Luke's overgrown head of hair as he stands over my spot in the sand.

He's at that length where he could probably really go for a haircut - I bet his mom is bothering him about one already. I've always liked it a little longer, though. It suits the whole Luke look he's got going on, anyways, always has.

Sand shifts beneath my butt as I settle deeper into the dunes, where I've been waiting the past ten minutes, as I huff out a dramatic sigh.

Today's surfing lesson had been the thing to get me through a particularly loud day at the center, following a night of restless sleep - thanks to the dreams of Casey that cleaning out his closet had stirred.

Well, cleaning out his closet, yes, but maybe the photos had more to do with my sleepless night than anything else. I peer at Luke through my lashes, gnawing my bottom lip.

When was Casey planning on giving me those photos? What was he waiting for? 

Was this his version of giving his blessing, somehow? His forgiveness? Showing me that no matter what... no matter the nasty things I said that night, no matter the fact that I never said goodbye, no matter the fact that I only feel okay with the one who took him away... No matter what, he's still my big brother?

He still loves me?

When Luke quips a brow at me, I shake my head and the thoughts away with it, holding back an eye roll at my own expense.

I found those photos by accident, because ironically, an accident took my brother away from me. There's no other big, cosmic reason to it.

Even if it would make the whole thing hurt a little - or even a whole lot - less.

Needless to say... It's been a long day.

Still, this surf lesson with Luke got me through it.

But now that I'm here, the sun is too bright in my eyes, too hot on my skin. The air is too thick, my one-piece is too tight, biting into the skin of my hips.

Staring at the waves, listening to the refreshing slap against the shore, I'm getting jumpy.

I want to feel the numbingly cold waves rush over my skin, zapping away the heat and the sweat and replacing it with sand and briny sea. The numbness that seeps into my core, so that all I can focus on are the pins and needles beneath my skin.

No stupid theories, no guilty conscious.

"Patience, Pickle." Luke smirks, snapping my attention from the shore but giving me no real answer. He slips his t-shirt over his head, long, lean abs glistening under beads of perspiration.

My eyes trail the hard lines of his abs until they meet the drawstring of his swim trunks. Wetting my lips, I cock my head to the side at him.

"When have I ever been patient?" The words come out a childish exhale. Standing upright in front of him, I pull my dress over my head by its hem, revealing the black swimsuit I changed into at the center.

"Maybe it wouldn't hurt to start." Luke grins, taking in my long legs. Reaching out a long finger, he drags his touch across the line where suit meets the skin of my hip. "I'm surprised you listened about the one-piece though."

He looks slightly disappointed that I did in fact heed his advice and forego my usual choice of a bikini.

"I didn't want to give you any sneak-peeks." I stick my tongue out at him.

"We'll save those for later." Eyes hungry on my lips, Luke keeps his voice, his demeanor, light. Easy-breezy for public eyes.

Glaring at the group of teenage boys some yards down the shore, I'm even more glad I listened. Getting caught by a wave and dunking up out of the water moments later, boobs exposed to a herd of puberty-wild boys, would not be a great way to end this very long day.

"But if you won't tell me what we're waiting for, I might just have to say screw the lesson and go for a regular old swim." I wipe a hand over my forehead, feeling the sheen of sticky sweat over my skin.

I'm about to do just that when Luke grabs my bicep, pivoting me in the sand. "Surprise!"

"Hey, Dyl!" Brynn shouts, bounding towards us in a sprint that would make any runner jealous, even in the sand, and stops just in time to give me a quick hug. "I'm so excited you're giving surfing another try!"

"What're you doing here?" I eye Luke over her shoulder, "You really thought you'd need reinforcements?"

"You were mean last time." He shrugs.

"Sorry I'm late. My shift at the pool went over - long story involving a five year old who forgot all the rules of potty training when he got into the water." She grimaces. "Are you guys ready to start?" Her frown turns into a smile so wide it's impossible not to return her enthusiasm.

"Hell yes," I murmur, stretching my arms over my head and gazing longingly at the waves. "Which board is mine?"

But when I start towards the two Luke has laid out, both he and Brynn grab me by opposite arms.

"Oh, not yet you don't," Luke says.

"We've got to go over the basics first." Brynn says at the same time.

Watching as Brynn puts her board beside one, forming a triangle with the other, the way an instructors board would be placed in front of the class, their definition of "the basics" dawns on me.

"We're not even going in the water yet, are we?" I groan into the sunshine, still beating strong with no hint of letting up anytime soon.

"Not yet." Brynn grins.

"Not until I know you'll be perfectly safe." Luke adds, a mischievous grin on his face.

Looking between the two of their smug faces, then back to the boards, up to the roasting sun, and then back towards the glistening waves lapping in the distance, I scrunch my nose in determination.

"Alright then. Let's get started."

My arms ache. My shoulders and back are screaming. It's like I've never even used the muscles in those parts of my body before today, and man, are they complaining about that now.

Blinking salt from my lashes, I focus hard on the white cap approaching behind me.

The numbness I was so looking froward to once we made it into the water is actually working against me, too, making my muscles stiff, locking my joints and making it hard to move.

The sun is still hot, but no where near as intense as it was hours earlier, so every time I'm out of the water, goose flesh covers my skin.

Maybe I should have tried on one of Casey's old wet suits last night.

I still could, if this becomes a hobby I want to stick with... I eye the nearing wave suspiciously, my lack of success so far keeping me unconvinced.

"Watch the wave, Dyl, and time it just right," Luke instructs somewhat obviously, while straddling his own board several feet away, bobbing in the water like a tanned, surfing god.

I roll my eyes but watch the wave more closely.

It was easier in the sand - popping up on the board. This was the part I hated most when Luke tried to teach me the first time around - getting upright in one fluid motion while not wobbling off. It was difficult enough for me not to stumble in the sand, but on moving water...

It's still my least favorite part.

"Okay, paddle! Paddle hard!" Brynn shouts and reluctantly, I listen, forcing my tired arms through the water as quickly as I possibly can.

The force of the wave builds behind me, the board tips into it beneath me, and I feel the power of the ocean as it propels me forward. A rush of adrenaline runs through me, energizing my aching body.

"Up, now!" Luke yells, but I barely hear him.

Remembering his nagging about not putting my knees on the board first, I try to get my footing in one-go, keeping my legs bent and my core centered.

Or so I thought.

The water rushes over my feet and I lose my balance, arms flailing through the air but catching nothing. At my shift in weight, the board pops out from underneath me, the scratchy strap digging into my ankle as the waves crash the board through the water.

Again.

The board drags me with it, the same divine power I was hoping to feel beneath my feet now twisting and turning me over again and again, filling my lungs with salt.

Survival kicks in and I splice through the water until my hands find air and my head bursts through the surface. Gasping, I sputter the ocean from my lungs and clutch my body to the board I've fallen from so many times.

"Almost," Luke says, paddling closer to where I'm bobbing aimlessly. "Definitely getting better."

Coming up on my other side, Brynn grins down at me. "Done for today?"

"Maybe forever." I groan, hoisting myself atop the slippery surface once more. This time, I straddle the board as she does, watching Luke do the same once he is right beside me.

"Oh, don't say that, Pickle." His foot kicks mine beneath the surface.

The sun is finally beginning to set, the bright colors of the sunset, hues of pink and orange and gold, set against the darkening line of the horizon. We stare at it wordlessly until the sky is nearly completely dark.

Only then, when a shiver runs through us all, does Brynn break the silence. "Even if you never surf again, I'm glad we did this." She doesn't make eye contact but reaches over and squeezes my hand gently before letting go. "It reminds me of before."

I swallow hard. It's easy to imagine a bonfire on the sand behind us, Case turning up the radio in Luke's Jeep as Maya danced around, a red solo cup in hand. Jordan would be surfing with Luke and Brynn, and I'd be wrapped in a blanket sitting in Luke's trunk, watching it all.

So fucking content.

"Yeah." I whisper, eyes on the vast nothingness in front of us.

"There'll be more times like this." Luke says quietly and it feels more like a promise.

"I should get going," Brynn says, and it would have felt sudden if it didn't feel so much like Luke and I needed a Luke-and-Dylan type of moment. "And you guys should, too. At least out of the water."

As if on cue, another shiver runs through me, the peach fuzz all over my body standing up straight with chill. "You're right," I agree.

We paddle the short distance into shore, Brynn continuing right up the deserted beach to her car, Luke and I following to store our boards in his truck before returning to the dunes.

When we sit, the sand sticking to our wet, pruny skin, Luke's eyes still linger on the water. He didn't ride a single wave today - he just bobbed there, watching me. Watching Brynn.

That was the real reason he asked her, I know - so she could physically show me how to do it when he no longer can. The look in his eyes even now... My chest clenches tightly.

I shake my head, the disgust I feel for myself more than I've ever felt before. "I have been so fucking selfish."

Luke starts at my voice, tilting his head in confusion.

"For years, the only person I've thought about is myself." A pathetic roll of my eyes. "Well, myself and Casey, obviously."

Brows pulling together, Luke narrows his eyes at me. "You were just a kid, Dyl. Your brother died. I think you were entitled."

But I can't hear it - not anymore. I can't sit here with him, watching him suffer, and deny the reality of it anymore. I can't even look at him as I speak, my words harsh.

"You were just a kid, who lost his best friend. More than that." I glance at him and remember how beautiful he used to look riding waves like it was fucking effortless, "Gran - a grandmother who lost her grandson." I shake my head, my next words surprising even myself, "Mom and Dad, parents without their child... Casey died, and we all lost him. It is such a loss."

I sigh, throat raw from all the ocean water I've ingested. Looking at Luke finally, I shrug. "I've only thought about what I lost. I'm sorry for how selfish I've been. I should have... paid more attention."

I lean my head against his strong shoulder, feeling his arm come around my waist and pull me close. Despite everything, he pulls me close. The numbness - not the kind from being in the ocean for hours, but the kind that took over the feeling part of my soul - warms at his touch.

"You're doing fine, Dylan Grace."

His cheek nuzzles against my hair, tickling my scalp as he continues talking.

"Most days, I can tell myself that Case would want us - all of us - to keep living our lives. Really make the most of them - because that's what he'd do, you know?"

"And the other days?" I murmur.

"The other days I feel so guilty I can barely breathe."

My breath stops in my throat.

"Those days... I tell myself to get the fuck up and live anyways. Because if he can't do it himself, that, is at the very fucking least, what Casey deserves."

"Hey," I whisper, shifting so that I can see his face. Placing my hand on the tensed muscle of his jaw, I hold it there until he finally looks at me. "You are doing fine, Luke Henson."

The smile he gives back is forced. And it hurts me so much to see that the words pour out of me, unburdening the daily battle of simply existing in a life post-Casey.

"You're not supposed to 'outlive' your big brother, Luke. I mean yeah, someday when we were old and grey, I know I'd lose him. But that would be after, you know? After he got to do... everything. He was always supposed to be here - to do everything first. It's like... I'm so afraid to be alive - how can I live and do all these things that he never got to? I don't know how - I don't fucking want to, God." I wipe my cheeks before meeting his eyes again. "But we have to. And I really don't know how to do it... I don't know how to care about things like finishing college or starting a career when Case isn't here. It just... doesn't seem important. None of it does. And then that sounds ungrateful, doesn't it? I get to do everything, I'm alive, and..."

"And you are important, Dyl." He kisses my forehead so gently it brings a new wave of tears. "And not just to me."

"So are you." I sigh, feeling the heat in my cheeks as I admit the truth. "Especially to me."

His arm tightening around me, holding me closer than before, shows me how much he appreciates hearing it. I curse myself for being so cruel when he needed comfort, and make a silent promise to myself to remind him again soon.

But for now, I curl against his side, letting his warmth spread through me.

A ridiculously, wildly, crazy overdue update for you to start your week! Words can't even begin to say how sorry I am for completely going MIA for the last couple of months 😭- I had no plan on doing so but to sum it up, I really needed a mental health break
The past couple of years have been hard mentally and I really just needed to take a step back and take some time away from things, specifically social media and spending time online
While writing here is usually an outlet, i really wanted to take a good solid break from everything so I could just feel more refreshed and energized again
Having said all of that, I hope you all take mental health breaks when you need them and I thank you all for your patience; to those who have lost interest I completely hear you and to those who are still reading I will be doing my best to get back to a regular rhythm - which is also a challenge following a hiatus for me ! But I'm trying - life is still busy, but it's important to try to make time for things that I enjoy! I appreciate every one of you. Feel free to let me know how you're doing in the comments - I've missed you guys!