Grams hand is feather-light in mine as she stirs, eyelids fluttering against the bright hospital room lighting.

"Hey Grams," I speak softly, giving her fingers a gentle squeeze. A reminder that I'm here now.

Her faded eyes scan the room before finally settling on my face. A smile cracks over her lips.

"Dylan." It's like a sigh. She contentedly settles deeper into her pillow, body relaxing. "You're back."

"Well, you certainly know how to get my attention." I attempt a chuckle, eyeing the door, knowing my parents are just outside of it. "I'm sorry I wasn't with you when you fell, Grams."

I can't say that I'm sorry I wasn't there, but I can say that I'm sorry I wasn't there for her. And it's every bit the truth.

"It was hardly a fall." She murmurs, batting her wrinkled hands as if it's not a big deal. As if she's not in a hospital bed right now, ribs badly bruised, wrist broken, and a lump on her forehead the size of my fist. "Just slipped from my chair, is all."

I feel a pang of guilt, knowing it was my job to help her move around.

"I'm sorry, Grams." I rest our entwined hands against my chest, tears prickling behind my eyelids.

I sniffle hard and her eyes open wide again.

Just as she always has before, when she looks at me, it's like she really sees me. Everything I've gone through these past few weeks, everything it took to get me to be able to come back. She sees it behind it all.

Firmly, she shakes her head, voice solid. "I'm not."

"But I-"

She interrupts. "You look better, Dylan." A gentle squeeze on my fingers. "That's the only apology I need."

As her eyes close again, her breathing slowing as she falls back to sleep, shouting from in the hallway snaps both our heads in that direction.

"You have no right!" Mom's voice, frustrated and overwhelmed and not at all put together like she usually is.

"No right?"

My breath catches. I know that voice. I miss that voice.

I love that voice. Did I ever tell him that?

"Maybe you're right, Mrs. Anderson. But I found June on the floor and I'd just like to see that she's alright." Luke's voice is deep and sure and enough to nearly break me in half.

Of course it was Luke who took care of Grams when I wasn't doing it. It would be no one else.

Mom again, like she's panicking. I can't remember a time I ever heard her like this.

"Like we're lying to you? She's fine. She'll be fine. Thank you for calling us, for getting the ambulance. But we're fine here without you and Dyl-"

I drop Grams hand, making eye contact with her, letting her know I'll return without speaking a word out loud. Standing, I make my way to the door and swing it open, facing everyone's dropped jaws head-on.

"I was just leaving." I finish Mom's sentence for her, an odd sense of satisfaction washing over me as she opens and closes her mouth, unsure of what to say. Turning to Luke, ignoring the sting behind my eyes and the clenching of my heart, I finish, "Grams is ready to see you now."

Wordlessly, he searches my face, scans me up and down, like he's looking for damage. Brows furrowed, he nods once and slips through the doorway.

The silence stings but I hope it doesn't show on my face.

I only move over an inch so he can pass by without touching me. Then I wait in the doorway till I hear Grams and him talking, forcing my parents to stay outside until they're finished.

"Dylan, this is ridiculous." Mom lifts her hands like she's reaching out for me, but when I flinch back, she drops her arms to her sides, pain briefly crossing her features. "Talk to us. You owe us-"

"Owe you?" My head cocks to the side. "I was owed the truth, wasn't I?" I watch her face drop, notice Dad silently tensing by her side. Shaking my head sadly, I continue. "I didn't get it, but I will give you mine. Just after I finish one more thing."

Mom opens her mouth to reply, takes a step in my direction as I make to move towards the exit. Dad's the one who stops her, surprisingly, putting a hand on her arm and tugging her close to his chest.

My stomach sinks a bit with the conversation I'll have to have with them sooner rather than later. But first, there's an even scarier one to be had.

Leaving the hospital, I inhale a deep breath of salty air, and make my way to Casey's cross.

The dirt is solid beneath my butt, twigs and rocks jamming into my soft flesh as I settle on the ground, leaning back against a tree, exactly opposite from the small cross stuck in the side of the road.

I tilt my head to the side, examining it. Knowing he's not here, knowing he's nowhere. Nowhere and everywhere at the same time.

It makes no sense and yet, here we are. This is the reality.

I turn to the street, visions of news-castings and tire marks and blood swirling in my brain. My breathing hitches, but I've prepared for this. I have.

With a deep inhale, I glare at the cross again.

"Why would I be mad at Casey?" I asked Jax after the group session when Renee brought it up. The therapist waited, letting the silence stir my thoughts around and around and around. "That doesn't make any sense."

"Why doesn't it make sense?" She asked, raising her brows at me in question.

I shrugged, like it was obvious. "He's not the one who lied."

More quiet.

And then, "But he is the one who left."

"He died, he didn't leave." I didn't know why I was arguing, it didn't matter did it? I kept going anyway. "And it was an accident, it's not like he planned to..."

I trail off.

Not like he planned to abandon me.

Jax nodded slowly, letting every word sink in deep.

"He told you he'd always be there, and then he left."

I shook my head, but no words left my lips. I wasn't mad at Casey, not for an accident of all things, I wasn't... I wasn't...

My thoughts spiraled and my breathing picked up.

I stared at Jax wordlessly, silent tears streaming down my cheeks.

I didn't speak, but she had finally given me permission to say what I was most ashamed of, what I'd never been able to even acknowledge.

Because I was mad.

Not at Luke and not at Maya.

Not at Mom or Dad or Grams.

But at Casey.

And I was fucking furious.

So I glare at his cross in front of me, letting the feelings burn and churn in my belly and up my throat, letting the tears prick at my eyes and the fury to clench my neck tight.

I sit and I feel it all, the emotions so strong I feel like I'll gag.

Disappointment and betrayal and hurt and rage. So much anger.

For not wearing a seat belt. Because if he had, maybe he'd have lived. Been injured, sure, but not ejected through the fucking windshield.

For drinking too much. For not knowing his limit. For having the nerve to get behind the wheel when he couldn't see straight.

For taking Luke with him. Luke, who is too good of a friend to stand back while someone he loves gets hurt. Who would follow him, nearly did follow him, to the death. To stand by his friend, to see him through to the end.

Luke, who I've been so angry at, so distant with. Luke, who never hurt me to begin with.

The tears continue to fall but now the words tumble out of me, too, rage and spit spewing from my lips.

"You didn't just get yourself killed Casey, you know that?" I lean forward, voice rising. "You hurt Luke, do you realize that? He can never surf again, never!"  My brother is not here but it's like when we used to fight as kids, except now there's no one yelling back and that hurts even worse. "How could you be so fucking stupid?"

Directly in front of the cross now, I'm shouting so loud it makes my voice hoarse. Guilt and rage mingle and spill out of me, but don't overtake me.

"You were my hero Casey, my fucking hero! Always there and always making everything better. Always taking care of me, always..." I sputter. "I didn't need you to come to me that night, Casey, not like... Not like that. I needed you to just be here."

A silent moment, the ocean in the distance the only sound beyond my panting breaths. I try to time my inhales to the rolling of the sea, try to calm myself, but the fury resurfaces and I'm yelling, and yelling and crying, fat, angry tears.

"And when you died, I died too! Did you think about where I'd be when you were gone? You were buried six feet underground and I would have gone with you... I would've traded places with you, even, gone in your place... I would've..."

My voice trails off, raging sobs finally turning into soft, sad whimpers.

"But I stayed here. You left me and I stayed here and my soul fucking died that day, Case. You left and you ripped it away with you."

I stare at the cross, knowing the words would feel better if I heard some back. Only the weathered wood stares back at me, and my shoulders sag, eyes closing briefly.

Behind my eyelids, Casey's there. His dark, chocolate eyes, his lopsided smile and goofy, booming laugh. His smattering of summer freckles that matched mine and the tilt of his head when he didn't quite understand. The crinkle of his brows when he'd done something to hurt me and wanted to apologize.

I open my eyes again, some of the heaviness gone from my chest.

"I hate it, Casey. Every day I hate it and every day, I miss you and... and I'm so fucking mad at you. I don't know how to be mad at you when you aren't here, and I don't know how to ask for your forgiveness, either."

Bark presses against my scalp as I lean my head back, release a long, painful sigh, and settle in with my feelings and Casey's cross.

"How could you do this, big brother? How could you put us in this position? I was the one who made bad decisions, not you. You were the smart one." I nudge the wooden cross with my toe. "How could you have been so stupid to get us into this mess?"

What do you guys think, is Dylan justified? Is she on her way to healing? Thanks for reading 🤍 lots of emotions in the coming chapters!