The pills help dull the pain.

I drum, they discuss style, tempo and lists.

I drum, they finish.

I walk out.

My days til the re birth continue on repeat.

I speak when spoken to, one syllable words at best or a nod at worst.

No one talks to me cause it's not worth their bother. The girl I once was disappeared, vanished, a shell empty and cold appeared, Rat didn't return.

Then one day an old flame came to visit and try and make me laugh. Keith, my ex-husband of our 48 hour marriage, arriving in the driveway all swag and scarfs, scruffy as hell, sexy in his own Keithy- way, asking for me.

Abe led me into the light and we walked towards the slip of a man, his eyes darting around, quickly taking me in. Questioning Abe over my shoulder, he takes me to the car and we are off somewhere, I don't care where.

The room is full of roses, not my favourite scent but so beautiful I let scent slide, the blooms more than making up for the overwhelming perfume tingling my nostrils. I wander round touching his stuff- guitar, bottle of Jack- lifting it feeling it's weight, thinking about it's contents. Imagining the burn in my throat.

A guitar pick with big lips lays discarded on the floor, the tiny plectrum draws me to Micks iconic pout emblem, bright red lips take up one side.

"You want some?" Keith is in the corner with lots of pillows piled high. The drug is placed on a mat in front of him casually. Not his heaviest drug of choice, this one is more medicinal to most 'smokers'. Rollie papers and a lighter appear from a pocket and the joint is rolled, lit, drawn in to his lungs for many long moments, held, and released.

He passes it over and I take several hits pulling the crap into my lungs, I hand it back for him to finish off. I have been greedy and he shakes his head smiling. My slight upturn of lips making him crawl over and hug me tightly, I leaned on him, taking what he gives.

Behind me somewhere the door opens and closes softly, feet padding into the room, knees falling on the pillows, a girl so pretty, so young, smiles at us.

"Hullo!! you must be the famous Rat, I've heard so much about you!!" Her infectious giggle is pure innocence and I look at Keith for his nod, this is a new young chick for his big ego I guess. "Did Keithy tell you the news. I'm so excited!" She jumped up and ran to another room.

"Well she's a doll"

"Hmmm, a good girl. We have been together a while -more than 48 hours even" And there's the laugh, and he makes me join him, hugging me close, the second joint making me mellow and not so tense.

"You know about me- how" I question him, why he turned up out of the blue.

"Yea Paul, of all people, thought I would be good for a laugh, brighten me girls day" He hugged me, pulling me into his smoky scented aftershaved embrace. "You told Paul bout us .... Why!?"

"It was a dalliance with disaster that weekend, remember the car chase. Man that was great, you were great, Rat" He kissed me hard, it meant nothing, that was Keith, his way to show his mateship. Mick had coped a few in his time too.

"So what's her name, you didn't say" I nodded towards the blonde that seemed to flitter about like a delicate butterfly around in the bedroom.

"Oh look at you two all cuddled up" She popped down beside me and hugged me too, she was peaches and cream, English to the core. "I'm Bunny"

"That's a lovely name- you're Bunny and I'm the Rat"

"Yea and my super sexy snake behind you!! We might both be his dinner!" She giggled and runs off into another room.

I swung round to Keith, his arms were up in surrender basically begging off yet giving open invitation at the same time "Only if YOU want to darlin'!"

"You dirty devil" I socked his arm and she was back launching herself down, and onto his lap.

"Here, look" She shoved a gold card under my nose as she nuzzled his neck. Keith kissed her hard yet watching me attentively as he did so.

"You're invited to the nuptials of...."

"No!!"

'YES!!" she screamed and jumped into my lap, a livewire of giggles and smiles. "Say yes, say you'll come. I would love you to come"

"Well, why would I say no, my old mate and my new best friend are getting married. I couldn't, I wouldn't, miss this for the world!!" She was jumping up and down and took off to find snacks and nibbles for the always famished Keith.

"Wow. Are you sure you want me there?" Keith moved over next to me and started to grab my shoulders and waist gently.

Hands running all over, his touch was nice, it was innocent, the joint was making his real self pop out- a hugger and lover of cuddles and being close. No randiness, well not too much. Just feeling the person's face, back, bum........

I smacked him and he laughed holding his hands up in mock deference "Just testing!"

He then broached the subject I didn't want broached. Whispering in my ear he told me to be strong, that it would all go away and something better would shine on soon. Whisky breath tickled my neck. Raising his lips ever higher he kissed my cheek. We cuddled again.

Banging on the door made his head crank away from my cheek but before he could hop up, the door was kicked open and there he stood.

John.

Looking at me and my ex snuggled in the pillows, his head nearly popped off and Keith was paling fast. Dead John was in Keith Richards hotel room looking really alive, really steamed and angrier than hell burning.

"Get the fuck off my girl"

"John?!- Oh a tribute guy, yeah, cool man. I thought you were done with them luvey, not a bad match for the original, I suppose. Made me look thrice, man" Keith's arm was slung over my shoulder hanging loosly as he grabbed for another drink "Bunny darrrrling, call security for me, there's a looney in the 'ouse" He sniggered and John pounced. Poor Keith was slammed off me and the pillows and booze went flying, John was slammwd into the wall as Keith pushed him backwards.

"John STOP IT" I got a big case of the giggles then, very inappropriate of me but still the giggles persisted.

"You call him John? I'm afraid you have gone balmy luv" John raked a hand over Keith's chin and Keith wiggled his jaw. Bunny came skipping into the room and stopped at John's feet. Feet that were sprawled across the floor as he tried to fight with Keith.

"Oh hello, who's this Keithy huny-bunny?" She smiled at me as Keith grimaced. John finally paused and looked at the overly excitable Bunny, swishing around in a pretty dress. I giggled.

"John meet Bunny, Keith's fiancé!" Bunny crouched down quickly flashing her very big diamond in Johns face.

"Babe I don't know what the fuck Maccas feeding you but you just called the tosser, John, twice" He thought a moment "Oh like he's John Smith, the tribute John. Cool, hey man all cool, your little missus is in safe hands" Keith leered offering a hand full of rings to shake. I smirked while Bunny danced to no music.

John considered his position- tell Keith or act like the trib guy. Taking Keith's hand he loosely shook it like a nervy teenager meeting a rock God. I cracked up, it was so funny and John shot me a look, the joint was feeling good now. Really kicking in making me mellow, giggly and extremely happy.

John made for my hand and I ducked back.

"Awww Ratty had a fallin' out with the trib guy, wanna stay with me longer. For old times sake?" Keith winked at John who's hands were clenching and unclenching into fists at his side.

"I might just do that Keith, I'm nothing to him anyway, you and bunny are way more fun. Got another hit around this lot?" I crawled around the pillows looking for the mat and stash for Keith.

"I LOVE YOU CATLYN"

He said it slowly, making sure I heard him. I turned around. My bum facing Keith when I stopped and looked pointedly at 'tribute John'.

"Well the view is fine Rat but perhaps the guy doesn't appreciate my being so near one of your most delectable assets as he proclaims his undying devotion to you, luvy" Bunny slammed into Keith's lap and he groaned. Bunny then smacked my bum.

She is so awesome!

I slowly turned around to face Bunny, her pretty face was mine. She was open and soft and would do anything for Keith and probably had. I was pretty mellow from the hits. I just went for it. I kissed her full on tongue swirling, hair raking, hot kisses. John groaned, Keith applauded. I went to pull away and Bunny hung on for more.

Shit.

She tried pushing me into the pillows and I fought to stay upright.

Shit. Shit!

John spoke up "Shall we leave you two to it or are you coming with me, Cat?"

Bunny broke away, as I quietly said "Say it again John" Bunny giggled and leaned in once more. He crawled over close beside Bunny, Keith was getting real interested in the event shift. Bunny giggled as I repeated myself "Say it again"

"I Love You Catlyn"

I fought myself from Bunny's arms and fell into John, his kisses burning my skin hot and intense. Sorry's tumbled through his teeth as they grazed my skin. He dragged me to my feet and I was in his arms. I was home.

Keith handed me the invitation, wiggling it to get my attention, as John kissed my neck to pieces "Bring 'im Rat be good for a laff, see Micks lips fall off 'is face an' dribble all over the table" Keith's laughed mightly, booming at his own joke. Bunny nodding too for all the wrong reasons. John then dragged me gently toward the door.

Just as we were about to leave I ran back to Keith for a last kiss. He was another 'home' old and safe in his own way. Although too dangerous to return to. "Love you Keithy"

"Love you too sweets, look after yourself, see you in a few months; bye trib" Keith waved us off haphazardly. "And darlin' be gentle on the lad. He'll try to be Lennon for you but there was only ever one made"

I giggled with amusement as John pulled me into the elevator then the gravity of the situation made me sober up.

Those words he had uttered were so late in our chess game, should I let them into my heart. The elevator stop button was pushed and he held me, hands in my hair beside my face holding me steady, kissing me deeply and slow. As if the kiss was whispering his wishes. "I thought you left me for him"

"I haven't gone anywhere, It was you that didn't want to stay"

************************

"Where the bloody hell have you been John, the FBI have been crawling all over the joint looking for you" Paul was yelling at John as we walked up the driveway. When Paul said 'joint' I collapsed in a fit of giggles on the ground, John stood holding my hand as I lay looking up at him laughing like a lunatic.

"Don't get ya knickers in a knot Paulie. Everything's dandy no harm done"

"No one saw you...." Paul countered as he checked my eye dilation, seemingly worried for my well being.

"Well Keith did but he..." John spoke to Paul and the FBI agent that now stood next to Paul. The agent then had a minor fit and quickly started to talk into walkie talkie thing "But! He didn't believe it was moi!"

"Go get that girl some coffee or something. Sober her up"The agent tossed at me, agitated for some reason.

Poking my tongue out at him like an erratic child I lay out straight on the drive and giggled some more.

"I quiet like her like this, much better than the last couple of god awful weeks" John dragged me up and hauled me towards the studio "Come on luv lets go find uncle Paul's stash, yea"

Paul had a minor flip out as I nodded eagerly.