A wallflower that's what I felt I was; at my own dance of life.

Sitting against my wall of time, waiting, just twiddling my thumbs.

I had returned to the compound days ago, alone. He was off travelling. Meeting people- press conferences here, parties there. I, on the other hand, languished bored and stayed in a holding pattern, pounding the skins until Linda goaded me into taking the afternoon off to entertain Stella and Mary.

"Knock, knock" Look who I found at the gate!?" Linda wandered into 'Johns' (was it his anymore?) kitchen. My small room didn't have enough space and Linda needed the girls away from the house. Christmas was coming and she was busy sorting and wrapping gifts for them, and other family and friends.

"Julian what are you doing here!" The girls and I all hugged him as he stood awkwardly in the doorway with Linda. The overwhelming roomful of girls must have been a tad too much.

I had got to know Julian over the course of the re-birth night, only a smidge, but we seemed to enjoy the same music and people, so we talked easily and he gravitated to me if Paul, Linda and the boys and or his father, were busy.

My god he looked like John, but I never said it. I'm sure everyone else gave him the same line, I couldn't utter such an already overdone thing to the boy, oops man. He was 22 for crying out loud.

"Had a fight with you know who and, well, here I am!" Julian plonked his stuff down in the living room and wandered into the kitchen tasting the chocolate leftovers in the bowl.

"Its rocky road. I can't kill chocolate what with my lack of cooking finesse, though Mary scared me by saying if we got water in it we could!" I popped a marshmallow in my mouth and made funny faces at the girls "these are so yum!"

"You know if you eat anymore we won't have rocky road only road don't you!?" Stella giggled grabbing a marshmallow too.

"Hey I saw that!" Mary was trying to make the kitchen orderly but mayhem ensued.

"So Julian, what are we going to do til England? Have you got some devilously fun activities at the ready or am I going to watch you sit on the couch reading"

"Well I did want to go to the record shop downto- "

"Yes, I'd love to come, thanks for asking" I jumped around the girls, they rolled their eyes at my idiotic display.

And that is how the afternoon progressed; me attempting to kill chocolate and Mary saving it. Julian was content to watch and listen to our banter.

"So if you're in business class and little ol me is in cattle coach how are we ever going to chat?" I pouted whilst handing him a coke and we took over the porch, the girls now off home for the evening meal and bed.

"You're not even going to ask, are you!?!" Julian looked me dead in the eye and I saw John again, front and centre.

"Nope, if he can't be bothered, neither can I"

"That's not how it should work"

"Look at you, the wise sage dispensing lovers wisdom"

"Rat, he's falling into her again... doesn't it bother you" I grimaced and turned to look at the ocean.

"Why do you think that"

"He just listens- following her appointment schedule, what's happening now, ten minutes time, tonight.."

"Tonight?..." I held my breath and he didn't talk for the longest time.

Turning me around to face him, I wanted to fall into those eyes, Johns fucking eyes, not Julian's. I leaned over and flicked the fluro lights on, trying to make the shadows in my mind disappear.

"I haven't seen anything actually happen, but she tries it on in front of me. Touching his arm. Hugging him and stuff" Julian said it so matter of factly, straight to the chase like his old man.

I coughed trying to dislodge the bile billowing in my throat.

"I'm sorry... maybe he is behaving"

"Yea maybe"