S E V E R E T R I G G E R W A R N I N G

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S T A Y A L I V E

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Tyler

I don't bother to lock or even remove the keys from my car's ignition as I climb out. It's not like I'll need it anymore, anyways. I walk around to the back and open the trunk. The snowsuit and bucket of rocks still sit in the corner. I remove both and slam the trunk's lid, then grab the five pound ankle weights sitting in the back seat that I stole from Zack's gym bag.

I walk up the trail to the cliff one final time. I take a deep breath. This is it. No more pain, no more suffering after tonight.

Are you sure we won't get caught?

"Relax. Josh and Zack have only been here once on New Year's. They were probably too tired to remember. Jenna has only been here twice, but with all that's happened to her these past two months she probably doesn't remember, either. She's also in Northern Ohio."

If you say so.

The trees finally open up to the cliff. I look out over Columbus. The sun dips toward the distant horizon. My head tilts downward to gaze at the glimmering, snaking river below, the one that I will soon be jumping into. No one should be down there to witness this tragic and horrific accident, not in fifty-degree weather.

Taking a deep breath, I kneel down and unfold the snowsuit. Before putting it on, I strap the ankle weights around my legs. Then, I pull on the winter clothing on, zipping the front up. I take the rocks and begin the process of stuffing them in every pocket I can find. I empty the whole bucket, feeling about fifteen to twenty pounds heavier afterward. In case the impact of hitting the water doesn't kill me—which it probably will—I hope the snowsuit and rocks will at least drag me down and make me sink.

I look out over the edge of the cliff again and think of the first time I brought Jenna here. She probably has good memories of this place. I shut my eyes. She won't anymore, I think. I decided to go through with my death on the day of Brett's anniversary because A: Jenna wouldn't be here, and B: I don't want her to have go through two sad days each year. Let's just stick to one.

That is if she even remembers you by next year.

"I don't care if she does or not. I won't be around to know," I reply.

True. Now, are you going to jump yet or not?

I sigh. "I have to do one more thing first." I unzip my snowsuit to grab my phone out of my skinny jeans pocket. I turn it on and go to the voice recording app. I have airplane mode turned on so no one can contact me anymore. I don't need anyone to talk me out of this.

I hit the record button and take a deep breath. "Today is March eighteenth, two-thousand and seven. The time is five thirty pm. This is Tyler Joseph, and I have a message for the following people: Kelly Joseph, Chris Joseph, Zack Joseph, Maddy Joseph, Jay Joseph, Josh Dun, and Jenna Black. When one of you finds this, I will already be gone. It not your fault—none of you are to blame. Killing myself was my own choice. I'm suffering too much in this world to be happy and live a peace-filled life. That's why I chose to do this. Now, enough about me. I'll try to make this as short as possible.

"Mom: You are the best mom ever, you really are. You push me to my limits and support me in whatever I do and help me reach my goals. I thank you for that. Please continue on with life in raising the rest of the family. You'll eventually get through the grieving process and forget I was ever here. Just give it time.

"Dad: You're a good dad, and a good role model. I love you a lot, along with Mom. Please be a good role model for the rest of the kids like you have for me. One of them will be a better son that I would have ever been, but that's okay. Love you.

"Zack"—I stop to faintly chuckle, which sounds wrong, I know, but I can't help it—"you were always the better baller. Give the family their dream of being an all-star basketball player. You can do it, I know you can. If you teach Jay how to play, then there can be two of you. Keep up the dream, and never let it die. You'll go far one day. Love you.

"Maddy: you're a great sister. I'm sorry I won't be there to beat up any guys that try to ask you out in the future. I wish I could do something about that, but I've made up my mind and believe that leaving this world is for the best. But don't worry about that. You'll grow up, get married, and have amazing children. Just you wait. You are a very successful young woman. I love you.

"Jay: Oh, sweet Jay. This will be harder on you than anyone else because you're the youngest, and this will be very, very difficult for you to understand. But one day, Mom, Dad, Zack, or Maddy will explain my choice to you. I hope you'll understand. I love you so much, little guy. Zack will be a good big brother to you."

I take a deep breath before continuing. "Josh: You are an amazing drummer. Don't you ever forget that. Any band that hesitates to make you drummer sucks at being a band. Please don't stop with what you do. You are an amazing friend, and a very talented dude. Never stop creating. I know that my death will be hard on you, but you deserve someone better, someone less messed up. I'm speaking the truth here. Please don't dwell on my death and how you could've prevented it. I don't want to be the cause of your pain. And...one last thing: please take care of Jenna for me. Thank you. You're a great fren.

"Now, I guess I'm on my last person. Jenna"—my voice cracks—"my sweet Jenna. You probably already know this, but you are the best girlfriend I've ever had. You really are. And I'm sorry that I have to put you through this after what happened to Brett. I broke up with you because I didn't want you to have to tell people that your boyfriend died. You can just tell them that I was a guy you knew and leave it at that. I don't want you having a bad reputation from all of this.

"Jen, you are really the best thing that happened to me. From the day I saw your picture in your locket, I wanted to know you. Then when I saw you in the music store, I completely fell for you. I was going through a rough patch of life until you appeared. You eased all of my worry and you were the reason I stopped cutting after you noticed the rubber band on my wrist in the hospital."

My voice cracks again, and this time tears spill over my eyes. My shoulders shake, but I continue speaking. "Thank you for giving me the best seven months of my life. Thank you for being so kind and compassionate and willing to help me through my low points. Don't think that you didn't try hard enough. You've given your all, I know you have. As you have probably heard me tell everyone else in this recording, none of this was your fault. This is my own choice. You couldn't stop it.

"Anyways, don't be sad when I'm gone. You will find an amazing guy who will love you just as much as I have, maybe even more. It will be good for you to find someone else who isn't a broken person like me. Please take care of Josh for me. Both of you can support each other together. Heck, maybe you could even start a band together...that was a joke. You can laugh."

I sigh. "I've spent a lot of time talking, and it's probably really unfair that I've talked to you more than everyone else, but I can't help it. I could talk to you and about you for hours, days, weeks, months, and years. I just want you to know something before I go: I love you...so much. Don't forget that. And also, I'm really, really sorry. I know how much you tried to help me with my problems. I'm just not strong enough fight against them, so I've given in. I hope that no other human has to go through what I've been through.

"Well...I guess I'd better go now, or else my demons are going to get rowdy. This is Tyler Joseph signing off...forever." I take a deep breath and end the recording. I save it as "Tyler's Goodbye" then put my phone in a plastic bag and set it on a nearby rock. I wipe the tears from my face and step forward, look down at the river again.

It was about time. You were talking for way too long.

I become keenly aware of the rocks weighing down the snowsuit that I'm wearing. I guess it could be more of a jumpsuit, since I'll be jumping off of something with it. I'm so funny.

Your death will be funnier.

I roll my eyes. "Whatever you say..." I step closer to the edge of the cliff, my toes almost going over the edge. Am I really gonna do this?

Yes, you are.

Do I have the guts? The bravery? I've already made it this far in my plan. Can I really go all the way through with it?

I'll help you.

Well, this takes me by surprise. Since when has my mind wanted to help me?

Hey, if it's anything to kill you faster, then I'm game. Now, just step a little closer to the edge.

I obey and shuffle closer, my feet sending dust and small pebbles over the edge.

Closer.

I shuffle forward a little more. I look up to the sky at the dying sun. Then, I tilt my head up to the blood red clouds above me. "You're not going to stop me, are you?" I say to the sky. There's no answer. I hang my head, my eyes focusing on the river.

Now, on the count of three, you're going to lean forward, okay? Just keep leaning forward, and gravity will do the rest. Now, three...

I take a deep breath. Some rustling occurs from behind me. I ignore it and look out at Columbus one last time.

Two...

I roll my shoulders and swing my arms to loosen them.

One...

"Tyler!"

Arms wrap around my chest and drag me back from the edge. I stumble over a pair of feet and fall back, finding myself looking into a familiar set of ocean-blue eyes. Jenna.