chapter twenty one – a cog in the grief machine

October 6th, 1985

"So how have things been with your friends? You said one of them made the basketball team and the others are a part of Eddie's club – isn't that neat? Two worlds colliding." Sam gave a breathy chuckle as he questioned Irene. She turned from the cassette case she was fixing at the front of the store and looked at him.

She started working with him in the beginning of the month (after he initially helped her land the job)  and was starting to spend most, if not all, of her time scaling the barren and comforting aisles of Vince's Record Shop. It was one of the few places, other than her house and the pool, where she felt closer to Mateo. She swore the aroma of his Ralph Lauren Coolwater cologne, that he begged their mother for when he was sixteen and wore religiously, still hung between the gaps of the Punk and Alternative section of the store.

She shrugged dismissively, "It's fine...I mean I guess it's nice knowing that they have someone else that's older in their corner who can show them the ropes – not that I've been doing a good job at that anyway." She muttered and quickly returned her attention to the display. Beside her, Sam sighed and crossed his arms – seeming visibly disappointed.

"What did we talk about last week?" He questioned and she was hesitant to meet his stern gaze and instead turned to walk toward the register. The bell near the front chimed and she welcomed the older couple with a gentle smile and soft greeting.

"All I remember is eating pretzels while you rambled on about Siouxsie and the Banshees' entire discography." She said nonchalantly with her back still turned toward him while she fiddled with the crate of records that the two put together to cycle and play throughout the month. She smiled fondly at the album in her hands and turned to Sam with a grin which was quickly replaced with a look of guilt after she saw his face. She bowed her head, turning her gaze downward, before she placed the record back in the crate and stared down at her hands.

She obviously did remember everything they talked about. After Sam finished ranking his favorite albums from Siouxsie and the Banshees, the two went on to have a lengthy discussion about Irene's self-critical comments and also worked through some exercises she could do when she was being too harsh on herself. Clearly she hadn't been doing her 'homework.'

Sam knew she was still in the beginning stages of the grieving process and with that came a lot of guilt and something his father called 'the cycle of self-hatred.' He also knew it didn't help that she was isolating herself from her friends; she had no clue that Eddie started coming in on her off days asking if he could 'fill him in' on how she was doing because she was distancing herself and kept flaking on their plans. Sometimes Robin would stop by during Irene's shift and they would share small moments, but she too started questioning Sam about the girl.

He was glad she and her mother seemed okay and weren't distancing themselves from each other; like he and his father did when his mom passed away. It was the only relationship he knew she was actually telling the truth about because he frequently spent dinners at the Vasquez household and the two always seemed enthralled in conversation about music or books or pastries they wanted to try and bake – the atmosphere was comfortable, warm, a drastic shift from the tone that washed over Irene outside of her home. He knew grief struck everyone differently and because she'd never experienced something on this level of loss, it was going to take a while before she fully recovered.

"I'm sorry." She whispered defeatedly with a small shake of her head as tears welled in her eyes. The couple he rang up had just left the shop and it was empty and quiet again as she kept her eyes fixed on the floor.

A hand placed itself against her arm and she finally looked up to meet Sam's kind eyes, "Hey, you don't have to apologize. You never have to apologize for how you feel. I just don't like it when you talk bad about yourself. You're trying your best Irene and that's what matters above everything else. You and your brother and mom are quite literally the strongest people I've ever met; the resilience that burns in you is both blinding and mesmerizing, please don't forget that." He pleaded, crouching down to find her eyes and when she finally looked at him he wore a warm smile. She mirrored his expression before he brought her into a bone crushing embrace — the kind of hug that makes someone feel whole again.

A muffled, "Hey," came from Irene and he moved his head back to look down at her, "You wanna have a movie marathon at my place?" Her eyes twinkled underneath the fluorescent lights of the shop.

"As much as I would enjoy that, considering you pick the best movies, I can't. It's my mom's birthday and my dad and I have this tradition we do." She let go and gave him a warm smile, catching him by surprise.

"Well I don't want you to miss that, so maybe some other time." She shrugged and moved to finish restocking the vinyls she forgot the night prior. His feet shuffled against the carpet as he strolled behind her, leaning his tall frame against a shelf.

"Or," He dragged and she knew he was up to something. "And this is just a random thought, you could call those other friends of yours and see if they're up for a movie night. I bet any one of them would love that." He suggested–picking his words and angling his tone very carefully. He didn't want to come off as pushy, but he refused to watch her go home by herself. With that he patted her shoulder and left her to drown in her thoughts.

After some minor pacing back and forth, watching the sun slowly go down outside of the window, and anxious glances at her watch, she finally brought herself to the phone behind the register. Her hand hovered over the device before she pulled it back toward her, took a step away, and began tugging at her ear – toying with the earring that dangled from it while she deliberated. After a few more minutes of thinking herself into oblivion she finally just reached for the phone and yanked it off of the receiver and mindlessly dialed the first number that came to mind – the person she practically owed a movie night to.

Across town cross-legged on his uncle's couch with a heaping bowl of Honeycombs cereal in his left hand and the TV remote in his right, Eddie Munson boredly switched through the mundane array of channels. As he settled for a re-run of He-Man And Masters of The Universe the phone rang beside him, sparking his interest. His hands swiftly placed the bowl and remote down before eagerly reaching for the phone – thinking it was probably his uncle but nonetheless intrigued by who could be calling at seven o'clock on a Sunday. He held the receiver to his ear and the line was quiet for a moment.

"Hello?" He dragged out the question in a funny voice, however his excitement slowly diminished.

"Hi." The person on the other line replied; it sounded like they were trying desperately to get the greeting out and were relieved when they finally did. A smile broke out against his face, instantly brightening his features once he recognized the voice.

"I just have a small quick question and you can say no or whatever you want but I'm getting off in like thirty minutes and I mean, I know, I was supposed to call you days ago about this and I'm sorry, but I'm doing it now and I hope it makes up for it, so with that being said are you busy? And if not, would you want to maybe go see a movie or something with me  or even rent a movie to watch at my place, or yours of course, and we could get snacks. Oh! Or even bake something!" Eddie's  smile couldn't help but grow throughout her ramble and by the end he was grinning like a madman – a dull soreness overcoming his cheeks.

"First of all, I hope you took a deep breath after all that." He said and heard her chuckle on the other end which caused a flush to creep over his cheeks. "And second, I would enjoy nothing more than to watch movies with you." He furrowed his brows, his face suddenly growing serious, "Do you need me to pick you up? Because I really don't mind and I'd rather just get everything and then head to the shop so you don't have to take the bus so late. I know this town is boring as hell, but that doesn't mean there aren't creeps still out there." He said and if only he knew the chill that his words caused to run down Irene's spine. If only he knew the secrets she did. She shook her head – trying to scrape the thoughts from her mind.

"That's fine Ed; if that's the case we can just stay at my house. My mom's been working overtime and has been getting home unreasonably late." He heard her sigh and could only imagine the face that accompanied it. Sam had mentioned a few times that even though it seemed as though she and her mom were getting along well, both were bomboaring themselves with work to distract from the loss. It made sense – considering Irene used the same excuse every time he asked to hang out, "I can't. I've got work." He admired her drive and the fact that she set goals for herself but he knew that she was using her job as scapegoat to get out of facing what happened; she was using it as a way to further isolate herself. But how could he get close without feeling like he was smothering her? Every time he drew near she pushed away.

By nine he was waiting for her outside of the record shop, his frame leant against his van as it began to drizzle; the sound of the rain pattering against the earth kept him company as he stood. He watched her silhouette lock the doors to  the shop before she jogged toward him, a tired smile resting against her full lips that miraculously brought warmth to his entire body.

Her arms crossed over her chest, "You didn't have to wait outside the van for me – you could get sick in this rain!" She scolded, slightly mesmerized by the cloud of air that erupted from her mouth as she talked, indicating how cold it really was. His cheeks were chapped as well as his nose and his hair was a mess of frizzy curls littered with rain drops, but he smiled brightly as he opened the door for her.

"Do you even know me?" He asked rhetorically before shutting the door behind her.  He jogged over to the drivers' side, got in, and soon they were off to Irene's house. One of his many mixtapes filled the silence between them.

"Okay, so I went and rented three movies because I couldn't just choose one – none are scary so don't worry – I got Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Goonies, and The Empire Strikes Back. I also got those gummy cherries you really like, those red fish gummies, red licorice – because I refuse to eat the other kind and I find it terrifying that you like it so much – oh! And a pack of popcorn because I didn't know if you had any." He shrugged as if he hadn't put more thought into the situation than he actually did. His eyes glanced toward her every few seconds.

"I'm hurt that you find my taste in black licorice repulsive, it's really not that bad!" Irene argued with a lighthearted tone, seemingly glossing over his attention to detail. However, her palms were a sweaty mess and if it weren't for the cloak of dusk making it hard to see each other he would have instantly caught sight of her reddened cheeks. This was the first time they'd hung out in a while.

Eddie held up his ringed hand as if to dismiss the topic, "We're not having this discussion again." She gave him an exaggerated eye roll before swatting his hand away.

She groaned, "Just wave the white flag already, Munson."

"Never!" He shouted before a deep chuckle rumbled in his throat. He looked over at her as she shook her head, stoicism etched into her soft features. She truly looked like a work of art, illuminated by the passing street lamps.

"You are insufferable." She muttered, shoving him lightly. Her eyes stood glued to the road, seeing as she was trying her hardest to hide away a smile that tugged at her lips.

"Ah, and yet you're still friends with me." He mused with a sly smirk as he turned the corner of her street. His eyes dared to steal another glance at her and his heart almost lept out of his chest when she looked at him.

"Let's go." She shook her head and then swung open the passenger door.

"You're not denying it, so that proves my point. Irene Vasquez is friends with Eddie the fr–" He began to yell, but Irene quickly placed her hand over his mouth.

"You idiot, you're going to wake the entire block!" She hissed but the look of sheer surprise on his face made her burst out laughing and soon they both were standing in the middle of the street, sharing colorful laughter. Both of their eyes welled with tears as they stumbled toward the door, absolutely drunk on joy. After fumbling with her keys and dropping them twice, she was finally able to open the door and welcome Eddie to her home. As she got the popcorn ready and made them some hot chocolate he perused the array of pictures that decorated the walls and shelves in the living room. Most were of Irene, her brother, and their mom – very few had her dad in them and the ones that did were clearly of when the two were first born.

When they first started writing letters to each other, she talked about her dad leaving a few times; a lot of it was just her writing about how much she hated him for what he did and how she felt like she never really had a dad. Looking at the pictures he couldn't help but feel morose over how it must have been as a child to know you had a dad but not feel it – he realized it was something that connected them even deeper than music.

Soon the two were sitting adjacent from each other on the couch with a popcorn bowl in between them as they intently watched Luke Skywalker training on the murky plains of Dagobah with Jedi Master Yoda attached to his back. Eddie looked to his side at Irene and his breath hitched at how serene and comfortable she looked. He wished they could stay in the moment forever; so she could remain in peace for eternity and never have to worry about anything.

She looked at him and he quickly averted his gaze back to the movie. His heart raced as he felt the familiar rush of warmth to his cheeks. A burst of confidence bloomed in his chest and he looked back to meet her tender eyes. Suddenly time stopped. The movie faded into the background and the world grew silent between the two teens as if it were watching, waiting, for their next move. She smiled warmly before moving the popcorn bowl onto the coffee table and resting her head against his shoulder. Despite the explosion of feelings that erupted inside of his body, Eddie draped his right arm over her and held her close, unraveling underneath her warmth.

"Thank you for being so patient and kind." She whispered tiredly before a yawn escaped her lips.

"Always." He whispered back, gently squeezing her shoulder. After a while they fully relaxed into one another; both began to share quiet yawns and with thirty minutes left in the movie, they ended up falling asleep together. A comforting stillness resided in the Vasquez household that night – one which not even Sofia could protest against. For the first time in a long time things felt okay. They felt right.

AUTHORS NOTE!

woo! look at me pushing a chapter out and it being a sweet wholesome & healing little piece. writing these chapters has been both a blessing and a curse. I enjoy them, I really do! they're just so hard to write because I really have to get into the headspace for them and I'm the most scatterbrained person ever. but nonetheless I like this one, it's cute and I really like the beginning. sam is such a gem.

also i've been cycling through my dead poets society phase and realized mateo would have LOVED that movie like seriously. also he would have heavily identified with todd and the song back to the old house by the smiths ALSO! he would have loved perks of being a wallflower AND stand by me — not me sobbing because I miss mateo...anyways yeah I've just been thinking of that. also imagine how feral irene is going to go when selena quintanilla get's big and becomes a latino musical sensation.

OH, ALSO! WE HIT 3K — ????? GAh! this means the most to me, seriously I adore and appreciated everyone who gives my mediocre writing a read <3

anywho! I hope you enjoyed this small but sweet chapter, I've got a few left in the tank before we finally dive into the chaotic realm of season four...dun, dun, dun! are any of you on winter break? what are your plans for the holiday season — if you celebrate. if not let me know how you're winding down for the end of the year! love you all!