chapter nineteen – soul of the sea

ONE MONTH LATER

AUGUST 4th, 1985

Irene straightened the black summer dress that clung to her body with a sigh. She stared at herself in the mirror, picking apart her somewhat kept together look. She could hear the muffled sounds of chatter and a James Taylor record playing outside in the living room. Through her peripheral vision she noticed a figure leaning against the doorframe and turned to meet Sam's gaze. She mustered the best smile she could but it faltered; it was evident in her face that she was exhausted.

Mateo's funeral had just ended and everyone had come back to the Vasquez household to exchange memories and mourn in the warm company of family.

Her mom took it really hard and what hurt the most was that Irene couldn't even tell her how everything really happened. She spent most of the days leading up to his funeral laying in his bed saying that it was the only way she felt close to him. Irene hadn't stepped foot into the room; she wasn't ready to face the reality just yet. Sure, he was now six feet under and she wouldn't see him everyday but none of it felt real – she swore any moment she'd wake up and it'd all be just some silly nightmare or joke and her brother would show up, she'd hug him tight, and they'd laugh.

Everything felt like it went by in the blink of an eye. Their father showed up, but only for the viewing and he had the nerve to bring his new family with him. It took everything in Irene not to scream at him that Mateo wouldn't have wanted him there, but she'd have been lying. At the end of the day she was just glad he at least showed his face; it hurt her though that he meant everything to her brother yet he never called and he couldn't even stay for the burial of his first born son.

She was thankful for the support she had all day though; the Wheeler siblings attended the viewing and burial but had to be home earlier than expected as well as some of the others. The Byers, El, Robin, and Steve were the only ones able to stay longer. Because Sofia was so adamant about being there for Joyce – despite hardly knowing her – during Jim's funeral, she only saw it fit to do the same. She brought a delicious apple pie and despite her timid nature, she fit in with the Vasquez families dynamic really well.

Sam had stuck around too – since she first broke the news to him, which he also took really hard. Even though he only knew Mateo for three months he spoke of him like they'd been friends for years. When he stepped up to share a few words about his friend, he recollected dancing with him to show tunes one night and remembering Mateo as "rough around the edges" but nonetheless a "a kind soul." She wished they had gotten more time.

"I don't think I can go back out there." Irene whispered, sitting at the edge of her bed and placing her head in her hands. A dull headache formed behind her eyes; there was so much tension in her forehead from crying. She read a eulogy too, but it was fairly short because she couldn't stop her sobs from slipping between every word. Her and her mother had a difficult time talking about him – they didn't want to. They wanted him to be alive; to be there beside them.

She felt the bed dip beside her before an arm was slung around her, "You don't have to, it's been a heavy day." Her eyes traveled to look up at him and his face matched hers – sunken and tired – yet there was also a comforting lightness to it. "You know, your brother always talked about when you two were kids. He said he felt happiest when you would ride your bikes down to the beach and dance around on the sand to the radio. He still remembers the last song you guys listened to before you moved from California–"

"Soul of the Sea by Heart." She smiled softly at the memory.

"When he would stop by the shop he'd always make me play it." Sam groaned playfully before the two fell into gentle laughter and then tears welled in both of their eyes. Irene frowned a little and leaned her head against Sam's shoulder, soon feeling his head lay atop hers.

Fire and Rain had just faded out and Blossom was beginning to play and it reminded her of Mateo's ninth birthday when all they did was run around with sparklers in their hands around their backyard whilst fireworks erupted in the sky. The song played softly in their house as their mom and dad slow danced with each other into another new year.

"I just want him back." She squeaked, casting her eyes down to her trembling hands. Suddenly a cassette case was placed inside her palm, along with a card. She looked up at Sam who wore a sad smile.

"I can't bring your brother back, but hopefully that brings you a little closer to him," He motioned to the object, "He was putting it together at the shop for you, in hopes that it would mend your bond." She fell silent as she looked down at the memorabilia, the last piece of her older brother. Without another word Sam rubbed her shoulder before he got up and left the room, shutting the door behind him.

She opened the envelope slowly and took a deep breath. The front of the card read, 'Congratulations!' but was scribbled out with purple marker and replaced with 'You've Got A Friend...' On the inside more words of cheer had been scribbled out and it made her chuckle.

Sorry this card looks like shit, all they had at the store were things for graduation...so I had to work with it. I hope you get the James Taylor reference in the front, the card read in Mateo's neat writing.

You're probably asking yourself why I'm giving you a card in the middle of July...me too. I think this is the only way I can really express my feelings without turning into a mess of emotions and everybody deserves a cool card here and there! Tears brimmed her eyes as she continued to read with a smile. You're the best little sister I could have ever asked for, seriously, I don't say it enough but it's true. You never even got on my nerves and you just always seemed to understand and say the right thing. Do you remember when we would dance around the living room to Dancing Queen when mom or dad weren't around?

She laughed at the echoing memory, hearing her and her brother's voices screaming the lyrics, giggles weaving themselves in between each twirl. Her eyes continued to scan the card, however her vision was blurred by her tears so she kept having to wipe her eyes, I never felt more like myself than when we would hang out and I don't think I've ever thanked you for that. You were my best friend and I hope that one day we can be like that again. P.S. I put a few songs together that we would listen to when we were kids and just some that reminded me of those times, I hope you like it!

She wiped her eyes again and put the card aside to examine the cassette closer. The first thing she noticed was its title, 'bike rides to the beach.' She chuckled as she read some of the songs that gave her a fuzzy and warm sense of nostalgia, causing more tears to slip down her cheeks. She could almost smell the coast and feel the salt on her lips.

Without a second thought she sprung to her feet, threw on her denim jacket, and grabbed her Walkman. Then as carefully and quietly as she could, slipped out of her room through her window and grabbed her bike from the side of their house.

Mounting her bike, she slipped her headphones on and pressed play, placing the music device in her jacket pocket. Her foot pushed the kickstand back before she pedaled down her driveway to, conveniently enough, the sound of Soul of The Sea.

Today you turned around to my heart's call,
This tiny life ain't been strangled after all.

Summer was coming to its end, she could tell by the fresh breeze that brushed against her cheeks and blew her hair back in chocolate waves. The leaves were just browning at the edges, peppering the ground and crunching beneath the weight of her tires. She gripped the handlebars and took her feet off the pedals, coasting down the pavement. Her eyes briefly fluttered shut and she felt overcome with emotion; warm tears comforted her flushed cheeks. It was the first time she'd really been out. Before the funeral she stood holed in her room not able to get herself out of bed.

You dreamer in the sand,
You just lie there laughing till the fall.

"See if you can keep up!" Her brothers' voice filled her ears and suddenly she transported to when was eight and riding down the backroad they always took to their small home by the beach. They were moving in a month and were trying to soak up as much of the California sun as they could. She could taste the salt and feel the sand underneath her nails and stuck to her curls.

Her bare feet pedaled harder, trying to catch him as his button up flapped in the wind, making it look like he was flying. She licked her lips in determination, hoisting herself up from the seat, feeling like she too were soaring through the wind. His infectious laughter filled the silence and she looked up to meet his eyes but noticed he wasn't there. She looked behind her and saw he had fallen behind and was pedaling at a normal pace. She continued to soar but never in a million years would she forget the look he gave her; a warm glow casted against his soft features and illuminated his face full of adoration and pride.

Mama ocean hold me to you
Rock me on your waves
And tell me...
Is it all true?

She opened her eyes and looked behind her now and was met with his chilling absence and her heart sank; like she was nearing the end of an enthralling novel and was slowly stepping back into reality. The song faded and was replaced with Cass Elliot's 'Don't Let The Good Life Pass You By' just as the sun broke through the clouds and kissed her skin.

She continued to pedal down the street and rode her bike all around town, until the cassette finished, and she was all out of tears to pepper the ground with. She was angry and broken, but that hour she spent watching the sun go down on her bike was the closest she felt to him since he passed. And a part of her held onto the hope that if she tried really hard, she'd make it out of the grief alive.

ONE MONTH LATER

SEPTEMBER 6th, 1985

Irene kept her eyes glued to the floor as she walked through the halls of Hawkins high. Bodies hurriedly swiped past hers as students made their way out the building, bustling beside her in the fast paced hallway. She blocked out the sounds of conversation and laughter with her headphones that sat comfortably over her ears. Her palms were sweaty as she gripped her textbooks to her chest whilst she tried not to push anyone.

As she attempted to navigate her way through the crowd she collided with a figure, sending her books to the floor with a thud as her papers slowly flittered to the ground. She pushed her headphones off and whispered a myriad of apologies as she crouched down.

The stranger chuckled and the sound sent shivers down her spine because she instantly recognized it. Her eyes snapped up and locked with the person she'd been avoiding for the past month – the one who left her one last heartfelt letter describing his frustration after she stood him up, noting he wouldn't give her the tape back until she talked to him and returned his. The guy who she expertly managed to avoid in the hallways and in class when she first started school in late August. He didn't know and she wasn't sure if she was ready to tell him. Ms. Kelly, the school's therapist who her mother made her frequently visit, said talking about her brother would help her heal from the trauma but Irene believed all it did was make it worse. She hated reliving that moment – it was still far too fresh inside her mind.

So much had happened and she was still trying to cope with it all and on top of that she just had to say goodbye to the Byer's and El who'd just left for California. Things felt out of place again and she just wanted to figure out where she fit in the grand scheme of life. She kept trying to convince herself that he'd understand, but she was still afraid. Robin told her not to rush it and to take her time and she felt like she had. She expected life to feel somewhat normal already. It was upsetting her that everything continued to collapse in on itself; still leaving her extremely conflicted, angry, and sad.

She looked back down and hurriedly collected her things, muttering her gratitude before springing up and briskly walking away – back completely turned to him. Her heart was beating so rapidly she believed at any moment it would leap from out of her chest. She persisted with her journey outside, telling herself that she would have to face the music. However it would be up to him whether or not that would be sooner or later.

Eddie watched her get lost in the sea of people, wishing he'd said something to her before she walked off. Did she read his note? Did it creep her out? Was she angry with him? She looked like she'd seen a ghost.

He'd been trying to get her attention for weeks but she was always the first one to leave class and seemed to almost never eat lunch in the cafeteria. He hadn't spoken to her since July, when life seemed less chaotic and the mall tragedy never happened. He figured she must have gotten caught in the crossfire, considering she worked at Starcourt, and he wondered what really happened to leave her so distant from life.

A part of him would be lying though if he didn't say he was a bit upset over the fact that she didn't even, at least, give him a call. There was no explanation...just radio silence. The other guys didn't understand why he cared so much considering they only talked for a month and a half – and it wasn't like Eddie hadn't talked to girls who ghosted him before. He was always playing that damn cassette in his van when he picked them up or when they drove to The Hideout and they all grew to hate it. They also grew to hate Irene for changing their friend so drastically.

He told them there was something different about her and that she wasn't "that kind of person." She always apologized for late letters because she got wrapped up in work or for forgetting little details about things he told her once in passing – she observed and soaked up just about everything and it wasn't in her nature to just freeze on people. Or at least that's what he thought.

Standing in the empty hallway he didn't know what to believe, but as he opened his locker and a small folded piece of paper fell out, a tiny spark of hope ignited inside of him. He grabbed the parchment and unfolded it. In her signature handwriting it read, meet me outside on the bleachers after school.

He stepped out into the fresh atmosphere and briskly made his way to the football field, passing by others who hung outside waiting for their rides or conversing amongst friends. He noticed her hunched frame sitting at the top of the bleachers, watching as the football team ran drills and practiced for their upcoming game. She caught his eye and averted her gaze, awkwardly staring down at her hands. When he reached her at the top he noticed the rosy hue that clung to her cheeks and figured it was from the cold.

They just sat there for a moment in the tension that surrounded them; both tried to figure out what to say to the other – how to encapsulate everything they were feeling.

Irene was the first to fill the silence, "I'm sorry. It's been a really rough couple of months." She whispered with her head hung low before she finally mustered up enough courage to bring herself to look at him, "A-and I know that's not an excuse for reaching out and I could have called or told you sooner instead of avoiding you, but it's just been so goddamn crazy and I just–I didn't know how to tell you because quite frankly I still haven't figured it all out myself and I didn't want to bother or burden you because it's a mess and–"

"Whoa, hey, slow down." Eddie interjected and she stopped her ramble and looked up at him again, teetering on the edge of an emotional breakdown. He noticed just how broken she looked and with a deep breath he relaxed his shoulders and took a hold of both of her cold hands – a stark contrast from his warm ones.

She turned toward him as he spoke, "You are not a burden, Irene. Hell, I'd listen to you read the cafeteria's menu if it meant just getting to hear you talk. I don't ever want to make you feel pressured into talking about something, but I just want you to know I'm here and I don't mind at all because my life's pretty messy too. I think you're really cool and, you know, I can't keep listening to the same Linda Ronstadt tape over and over." She laughed and her once dull features brightened, bringing life back to her face.

They sat there for hours, watching the sun go down, until the bright lights turned on and illuminated the football field while they talked. Halfway through their conversation Irene opened up to him about her brother and how she didn't know how to tell him because she still hadn't coped with the loss herself. He held her close as she cried and it was then that he finally saw her come undone.

The thick layers that she wore to numb herself from the pain had been peeled back and it all clicked inside his mind. She looked so tired all the time and unusually dull – like all the life had been stolen from her. Which, in a haunting kind of way, it had.

Eddie couldn't have imagined what she'd been through and any ill feelings he once harbored against her had vanished from his heart. He completely misread the situation and felt like a fool for not reaching out himself sooner. Nevertheless, he was glad that he was at least there now and that she still wanted to be his friend.

He drove her home and she sat in the comfort of his warm van, reminded of her brother by the smell. His fingers turned the dial on the radio, hoping to find something good on and Irene froze at the song that softly hummed through the speakers. He moved to change the station again but her hand grabbed his, "Wait! Leave it here, please." She said softly before sinking into the passenger seat as the song continued to play. He noticed a shift within the atmosphere and it seemed like she was finally at ease. He hoped so, she deserved peace.

Time, time, time, time,
Never ask what's become of us.
Dedicate your sorrow,
Here and now,
To the soul of the sea.

AUTHORS NOTE!

well WOW! act one is officially complete!!! i don't know how to feel about this but honestly it's been one wild ride and i am so immensely grateful for those of you who have stuck around this long. never would i have ever seen this book through if it weren't for the constant support and love — it really does make a difference.

how are YOU guys feeling? let me know what your absolutely favorite scene from act one was! any questions? drop em in the comments and i will do my absolute best to answer them <3

i am so excited to for y'all to see what else i have in store because it's going to be so chaotic but when is stranger things not (???) don't worry though! these next few chapters that kick of act two have zero chaos in them and just soft autumn/winter vibes and it's great and i hope you enjoy them.

well friends this is where we depart...until next time!

also! bike rides to the beach playlist: