Carissa

Easton - Riss, what's your weekend looking like?

   Dana - We're thinking video chat to watch an episode of Stranger Things tonight?

    Easton - Carissa?

   On Saturdays I sleep in. I always need the extra sleep. My body's begging for it by this point in the week. Friday after school, I work at the family owned corner store at the end of my street. My parents have known the McDonald's since I was a baby. Their daughter, Kayla, is a few years older than me and off at college, and my mom suggested I apply for a job there a year ago, when they were hiring. I don't get home until 10pm and then I crash.

   My body is exhausted.

   It's now 10am and I'm still in bed. I hear my phone dinging so I reach for it and see the messages in our group chat, from my friends. L.A. is a few hours behind me and yet still they are asking about my plans already. They know I have no plans.

   Me - let me know what time. I work 1-5pm

   Dana - 6pm your time?

   Me - Okay sounds good

   My mom - who is an elementary school teacher - is in the kitchen when I go downstairs. She gives me her best smile while barely looking up from the tests she seems to be marking. Her dark hair is similar to mine but shorter and she now wears glasses, mostly for reading.

"Morning," she says. "How was work?"

   I pull open the fridge and look at the contents. "Same as always."

   She nods and goes back to marking, but starts talking again, as I pour myself some cereal. "Oh. While I'm thinking about it. One of my students' moms has been looking for a babysitter. He's a sweet boy, he's seven, and-"

   "Mom, you can't pimp me out like that."

   "Carissa, Jesus. I'm trying to... I thought you'd like..."

   I start eating my breakfast and wait. She's going to figure out I was kidding any second now, I hope. She doesn't always understand when I'm joking.

   "You used to like babysitting when you were younger," she goes on instead.

   It's hard, but I bite my tongue. I want to say I used to like a lot of things before the accident. But there's no point. I try to blame other people for bringing it up, but I'm the one who can't stop thinking about how things were so different before.

   "Fine. You can give her my number," I finally say.

   She smiles and then covers her mouth. "I already did."

   "Mom!"

   "Sorry. I know you'll have fun with Jeremy."

   "At least you didn't set me up on a date... though it feels oddly like that." I take a few bites of my breakfast because I know what's coming.

   She laughs. "You should date, though. It would be nice to see you with someone-"

   "I won't have time now!" I tease her. "I'm a college student slash corner store worker slash babysitter."

   "You're more than that, Rissa," she tells me, her tone sad all of a sudden.

   "Well, today I'm a corner store worker." I finish my breakfast and rinse out the bowl. "I have to go get ready."

                                                                                         *

I'm home a bit after five and take a shower before unplugging my laptop and grabbing my phone. I get all set up and comfortable in my pajamas on my bed, and get logged into Netflix. I haven't video chatted Dana and Easton since last weekend, and I miss their faces. I'm anxious but it's twenty minutes before they will call, so I run down to the kitchen for a snack.

   "Hey, you want dinner?" my mom asks. She's at the counter, literally plating her pasta. She's preparing two plates, actually, and I'm not sure if my dad is home.

   "Uh, no, sorry. I'm just grabbing a snack. I'm going to video call with Dana and Easton for like two hours," I tell her, already opening the pantry.

   "Well, there's extra pasta here for later, if you want," she tells me, then brings the two plates over to the table.

   I grab a bag of pretzels and nod at her. "Thanks."

   "You okay? How was work?" she wants to know. "How's you're leg?"

   "Mom, I'm fine," I say quickly.

   Honestly, my leg was sore today. But there's few days when it's not sore at some point. I needed two surgeries and the muscles are still weak. I did PT, of course. I basically suck it up and deal with it now. It's been four years, three since I stopped PT. I still have regular check ups, but living with the nerve pain is just a part of my life.

   "Okay. Have fun with your friends," she says, but then goes on, "I wish you had real... I mean... you know, friends here."

   I stare at her, just wanting to get back up to my bedroom. "It's not my fault my best friends moved away for college and I'm stuck here."

   She gives me one last long look before turning away and going over to the fridge, so I take that as my cue to leave.

   I don't mean to be snappy with my mom. Really, I understand where she's coming from. But she comments a lot about how she wishes I'd make new friends, as if I should just forget about Dana and Easton. I'm not that great at meeting new people, especially since mostly people my age know about the accident. I lost my social skills when I missed a ton of school, due to being in the hospital and having to go to physical therapy. The accident changed me, and my mom has a hard time with that.

   "Heyyyy!" Dana's voice booms through my phone as her face appears a few minutes later.

   "Hey, Riss!" Easton calls out. "How's it going?"

   "I'm good," I say, smiling at them both, balancing my phone against my leg so I don't have to hold it.

   "Missed your face!" Dana yells, "You queuing up the show?"

   I nod and click through a few things on my laptop and get the show going. We start at the same time so we can watch "together". We've been doing this for months and it's some of my favourite hours. We don't talk too much, besides before and after. But it makes me feel like I'm there with them when in reality they are there, together, and I'm alone.

   "I gotta go to the bathroom!" Easton announces after our second episode ends.

   I'm yawning and my legs are sore, so I get up and stretch and then plop back down again, only to see Dana's smiling face. This girl is my best friend, my other half. I've known her since I was ten, when her mom, her sister and she moved in a few houses down from us. So I can see that her face is questioning now. It's concerned.

   "Are you sure you're doing okay?" she asks, and I know she waited to ask until Easton was out of the room.

   "I'm fine," I say, then and add, "I'm good."

   "How's school? Your classes?" she asks, even though she asks this weekly.

   "Good. Honestly, Dana, I'm okay."

   "Are you good, fine or okay?" she asks, then laughs. "I'm worried about you. I know you're lonely and you haven't made any new friends, which is-"

   "I'm good," I repeat.

   My best friend sighs. "I know I should be glad you're not acting crazy like you were this summer, but... I hate knowing you're alone."

   I try to give her my best smile, but it's fake. "I will meet people. I mean, probably. Don't worry about me, okay?" I say, just as Easton reappears again. "I'm tired, though. You two have a good night."

  "You have a good night," Easton says, then waves into the camera.

   I wave back and then blow a kiss to Dana. "Night."

   "Night," she finishes just before the call ends.

  It's not as if I don't want in-person friends. I'm twenty years old. I know it's weird that I don't have friends. I'm aware of the fact that I spend my free time at home, rather than out partying like a normal college student. I'm not normal, though. I don't need my parents worrying any more than they already do. They wouldn't let me leave Pensacola for college, so I'm stuck being surrounded by people who know what happened to be. At the grocery stores, at the mall, at school. There always someone who knows who I am, and it sucks. But I won't break my parents' hearts by telling them I would rather move away. We don't talk about the accident these days and bringing it up now would just be a disaster. In our house, it's more of a pretend-everything-is-just-fine type of situation. I've learned to live with it, and not dating or having friends is just one of the side affects of this.