Carissa

I see Jameson in class and around campus a bit over the next few days, but we don't talk again. He smiles at me  with those dark eyes, his lips curling up just a bit on the sides of his mouth,  in our Anatomy class - the only one it seems like we have together - but I'm too chicken to start a conversation with him. And since he no longer needs directions, he doesn't need to talk to me. There's something about him that I'm drawn to and I don't know why. I shouldn't be hung up on some guy I don't even know. The fact that this is all new to me makes it weird, too.

   On Thursday, it's my first night babysitting the little boy, Jeremy, that my mom set me up with. His dad works shift work and his mom has an appointment, so I head over to their house around 5P.M. It's only a ten minute walk from my house, and I'm a bit anxious as I walk. My hands are sweaty as I approach the house. This is so new to me, too. 

    The mom, Grace, told my mom that she pays $20 an hour and she'll be gone for at least three hours. It's not exactly my ideal way to spend an evening, but at least I'm not bored at home and I'll have some extra money afterwards.

   I'm really not expecting to enjoy this.

   "Carissa, hi, come on in," Grace says to me right away as she opens the door.

   I step into their cute two-story house and look around. The main room is spotless, not a toy in sight. I see framed photos on the walls and flowers in a vase on the mantel. She leads me though to another living space and I'm relieved to see it's a play room. Bins of Lego, a TV and video game system, books and puzzles.

   "Jeremy!!" Grace calls up the stairs as we stand together in the doorway.

   A few minutes later, a little boy with dark hair and glasses runs down and swooshes past us. He throws himself onto the sofa and then looks back at me.

   "Hi!" he yells in my direction.

   "Hi," I repeat.

   "This is Carissa. She's going to stay with you for a couple hours tonight," his mom tells him.

   He seems barely phased by this. "Can we play Mario?" Jeremy asks, more to his mom than to me.

   "For a little bit. After you eat dinner. I have to go, give me a hug," she tells him, then opens her arms for him.

   He runs over and squeezes her legs and then goes back into the play room, his little legs moving fast.

   Grace leads me back towards the kitchen, where she picks up a travel mug of coffee and her purse.

   "I made mac and cheese. Just warm it up when he wants to eat. Um, feel free to eat or drink whatever is here. No allergies, he's a good boy. He'll try to play Mario for the whole time, so try to limit that. Also, he can get ready for bed and brush his teeth and everything but I'll put him to bed when I get home," she says, quickly.

   I exhale. Easy enough. "Okay. Sounds good."

   "Thanks. If it goes well and you want to, we'd love to have you for weekly times. I have my appointments Thursdays at this time and Mike just changed to his new shift, so we will continue to need a sitter," she says, slipping on her shoes.

   "Yeah. Okay, great," I reply with a smile, even though I'm not sure I'm ready to commit to that.

The next two hours go so fast. We both eat mac and cheese and have some milk and then head back to the playroom. He sets up the video game like a pro and we play for one hour. It's the most fun I've had in months. My brother loved video games when we were younger and always wanted me to play with him. He outgrew it as a teenager, though, and I never really played any video games after that. Jeremy is good at it and his little giggle is the sweetest thing.

   "You're so fun, Rissa," Jeremy tells me, once we turn off the game and we head upstairs, so he can brush his teeth.

   "I am?" I ask with a laugh.

   "Yeah.  My mom is always busy and my dad is never home. Will you come and play with me again?" he wants to know, his big brown eyes begging me.

   "Yeah, of course. Can you go put your pjs on?"

   I just realized it's 7:30 and Grace texted that she'll be home right at 8P.M. I want him to be ready for bed, like his mom asked.

   "Okay!" Jeremy yells - it seems he yells more than he talks.

*

"How was everything?" Grace asks, once she's in the house, half an hour later. I met her at the door while Jeremy stayed upstairs.

   "It was really good. He's awesome," I tell her, nodding.

   Grace smiles at me, opening her purse. "Thank you. I think so too."

   "Mom!?" Jeremy suddenly yells, from upstairs.

   "Yeah, I'm home. Be up in a minute!" she calls back to him.

   "Is Rissa gone?" he yells, making me smile.

   Grace smiles at me. "No, she's just leaving."

   A moment later I see him at the top of the stairs, waving like crazy. "Bye Rissa!"

   "Bye buddy."

   "Here. Is cash okay? And next week my appointment is at 6PM. Can we do the same time?" Grace goes on, handing me $60 cash.

   "Yeah. That's fine." I nod and realize that I want to come back and hang out with Jeremy again.

   "Perfect. Thanks so much," Grace finishes and watches as I go out the door and down the steps.

   I spend the walk home thinking about the night. It was fun. I didn't have to think about anything that has consumed my brain for years. I really enjoyed it, and that surprises me. I totally needed the distraction.

   I'm home and have already told my mom about the evening before I look at my phone. I haven't really checked it all day because of school and babysitting.

Dana - Riss! You good?
Dana - Rissa, text me back.
Me - Sorry. Busy day. Yeah I'm good.
The three dots appears right away so I know she's answering.
Dana - God you scared me. glad you're Good
Me - Sorry. I was actually babysitting. How're you?
Dana - Babysitting who? I'm pretty good. Date night tomorrow. Going to a movie
Me - A student of my mom's actually. Awesome. Have fun on your date night!

   Dana talking about date night with Easton makes me think about Jameson, as I'm getting ready for bed that night. He's the first guy I've really looked at or felt anything about since that past summer. Since I stopped my reckless ways, I have tried - successfully - to be invisible. I only met Jameson three days ago and we haven't talked since, but I keep thinking about him as I lay down and pull my blankets up around my body.

   That past summer, nothing I felt was real. Hooking up with guys at parties and never seeing them again? Not cool. It felt terrible, actually. Jameson seems genuinely nice and makes me feel something much more real, though I'm not sure what it is. I can't seen to make sense of anything going on in my body right now.

   I make a decision before I fall asleep to talk to him tomorrow, even if it scares me. Because maybe Dana and my mom are right. Maybe I should be trying harder to make friends, or be normal.  Maybe I have to break out of my shell and move past what this phase I'm in, somehow.

   I do know for sure that this is the first time in a long time that I've even considered this, and that's because I met Jameson. So I have to try, even if it feels like the hardest thing ever.