Carissa

I'm not going to say that I don't look at Jameson a little different after that day.  He tracked me down. He found out where I go to school and he made sure he'd be in my class. That's a bit... weird. But we are already friends.  I think we are, at least. It's not like I'll ditch him now. He's been the only one who's made me smile in a month. I like talking to him about all the random stuff we've talked about. He knows things about me that no one knows. Now things will be different. But maybe that's okay.

   A week later, though, everything changes.

   My mom gets home from work early on a Friday, without calling to say she's coming home early. Normally it wouldn't matter. Usually I'd be at home, by myself, starting dinner or watching TV. But this isn't a normal Friday.

   This particular Friday, I have no afternoon classes, which happens every so often. On my way out to the bus stop, Jameson literally bumps into me. He's so tall and strong that I stumble and hit the grass with my butt. He's looking at his phone and looks shocked and embarrassed as he realizes it's me that he crashed to the ground. I feel like he should be embarrassed either way.

   "Dude. Watch it," I say and then laugh, standing up.

   "Shit, sorry Carissa. Are you okay?"

   I brush my pants off and throw my bag back over my shoulder. "Yeah."

   "I just left class cause I got this email from my mom, and she's... sorry. I can't believe I knocked you over." He looks so embarrassed.

   "Everything okay?" I ask him quickly.

   Jameson's dark hair is cut short and his glasses are on his nose a bit. He nudges them up and gives me a smile. "Yes. Uh, Fine."

   "Okay. " I look at him and then at the bus that is a minute away from leaving without me. "I have to..."

   "Right. Yeah." He seems a bit out of it. Something about this email really has him rattled. And I need to know what it is.

   "It's fine. I can walk. Did you want to... talk?" I offer.

   He eyes me carefully as if he knows I'm on to him. I'm really not. I just don't like how sad he looks.   "I can give you a ride? If you want," he says instead.

   The next thing I know, I'm in his car - a little red, two door something - and doing up the seat belt. He starts it and put it into reverse and then backs out of the spot, quiet. The radio is on and some Justin Bieber song is playing.

   "So," I begin, hoping he'll talk now. "The email?"

   "What? Oh. Yeah. My mom." He sighs and then pushes the car into drive and we are off. "She wasn't a big fan of me coming back here. She thinks I'm just trying to stir up drama."

   I smile at him, even though he's not looking at me. "Are you?"

   "No. I really just wanted to see if you knew anything else that I didn't know..."

   "Sorry to be a disappointment," I say, but I'm kidding.

   "Carissa, no. I didn't expect we'd become... I mean I didn't think we'd be..." He's not looking at me as he says this.

   "What? Friends? Are we friends?" I ask him. I thought we were, so it's a bit strange he can't even say the word.

   He looks confused and then frustrated. "I don't fucking know. Now my mom's begging me to go back to Tampa and leave the past in the past and I just... I don't know what to do."

   "She sounds pretty serious about you not being here," I say, trying to ignore the fact that he maybe doesn't think we're friends at all. 

   "We only lived here for three years, before the accident. My dad got transferred here when Andy was in eighth grade. I was in sophomore year and I was so angry to leave my friends in Nevada. Anyway, we weren't rooted here, I mean. So my parents decided to move as soon as the trial was done and they knew that guy got sentenced. Tampa is big and busy and... they didn't have to be the parents of the kids who died anymore."

   "I wish I could leave and stop being the girl who didn't," I say without thinking. "Sorry."

   Jameson is quiet for a few minutes. I tell him my address and he drives towards my neighborhood. This is so awkward now I just want to get out of this car. I always let my words ruin things.

   When he parks on the road  near my house and turns off his car though, I no longer want to get away from him. He looks so sad, as I glance over at him.

   "Why do you want to stay in Pensacola?" I ask, then swallow hard.

   "This is where I know Andy was happy. He loved it here," he answers, after some consideration.

   When I look at him now, I see he's getting emotional. I don't do well with emotions. I usually just shove those down and try to forget I even have them. There's no point in being mad or sad about the things that have happened to me. 

   "Do you want to come in? We could watch mindless TV and..." I let my voice trail off because he looks shocked at my suggestion.

   "Um. I don't know."

   "My parents aren't home. Not that that's... nevermind," I go on.

   "Are we friends?" he blurts out. "I mean, even after I withheld the truth about who I was?"

   I consider this only for a second. "I think so. We could be. I don't really have any friends. And you..."

   "You can say it. I moved back here to track you down and try to find out more about the crash that killed my brother."

   "Right." I nod.

   "Let's watch some mindless TV?" he asks, after a moment.

   "Yeah. Let's go."

*

   "Pick what you want. I'm easy," I say, tossing him the remote a few minutes later.

   "I don't have Netflix. This is new to me," he answers, then shrugs in my direction.

   "You don't have Netflix?" I ask, surprised.

   "I rent a bedroom in a basement apartment. It's not even the apartment, just the bedroom," Jameson explains.

   "Really?" This surprises me even more.

   He nods. "I've only been here for two months. And cause of school, I didn't get a job yet. My dad's paying my rent but... my moms making him cut it off-"

   "Oh shit. So you'll have to go back to Tampa?" My heart sinks. I don't want to think about him leaving.

   "Maybe. Or get a job."

   "Do you like... movies? You can search..." I suggest, just wanting to change the subject.

   He starts scrolling through while I get us some bottles of water from the kitchen. He picks some action movie and starts it as I sit down beside him, holding out one of the bottles.

   "I like your house," he says, taking it.

   "Oh. It's just... a house."

   "It feels warm and good. My mom's house in Tampa is... cold and..."

   "Your mom's?" I ask before I can stop myself.

   "My parents split last year. They couldn't get over Andy's death and it tore them apart. My mom is cruel and depressed. My dad's doing okay I think. But ... yeah."

   "Oh my god. Jameson, I'm sorry," I say, then bit my bottom lip.

   He shrugs. "It's partly why I wanted to come here. I wanted to see if I could be on my own."

   "Think you can?"

   He smiles and is about to answer when we hear someone at the door. It's not a knock though. It's a key and then the door swings open and in walks my mom. You can imagine her surprise, because I haven't told her about Jameson and she thinks I have no friends. She's not wrong.

   "Oh. Carissa, hi. Who's this?" she asks right away, frozen in place, her keys in her hand.

   "Mom. Why are you home?" I ask, not answering her question.

   It's only 2PM. She shouldn't be home until after 3:30PM. I'm embarrassed and caught off guard. I stand up and step forward.

   "I had some appointments this afternoon so I got a sub for the rest of my day." She smiles and then looks at Jameson. "Who's this?"

   I know what I should say. He's just a friend from school. He's just a friend, period. Or even 'we're working on a project together'? Or... anything, really. But what do I say?

   "He's my boyfriend."

   Jameson clears his throat and my mom's face turns to shock. I know I messed up. I didn't mean to say that, did I? We aren't even sitting near each other on the sofa. The movie is still going, with no one watching.

   "Boyfriend?" she asks, more curious than mad.

   "No. Um, I mean. Sorry. We were done classes early and I didn't think anyone would be here." Foot in mouth. I'm failing here and it's going downhill fast.

   Jameson is so quiet that it's like he's not even here.

   "Carissa, come talk to me In the kitchen for a minute," my mom says, then nods towards the other room.

   I glance at Jameson who is still silent and shocked. His eyes are wide and he blinks once before I start walking  to leave the room. What have I done?

   Mom's leaning against the stove and shaking her head at me. "You have a boyfriend? Since when? Why didn't you tell me?" Her voice is low. She seems so surprised by all of this, as she should.

   I should tell the truth. I should say that I lied or I didn't mean to say it like that. No, he's not my boyfriend. Of course not.

   "We were friends for awhile. A month? But-"

   "Carissa, I would have stopped telling you about Kelly's son if you had told me."

   Right. Her friend Kelly's son is a year younger than me and they've been trying to set us up for weeks. I've been mostly ignoring it because I was never going to go out with him, but that makes this even more awkward.

   "Oh, yeah. Well, I didn't know if... anyway can I go?" I look back at the doorframe heading back to the living room.

   "Yeah. Yeah, but I wish you've told me. Or introduced us properly before this." Now she's disappointed in me.

    "Okay. Sorry."

   I know she's watching as I hurry back to the living room where Jameson is still sitting. He's still in shock and now it looks like he's ready to run.

   I exhale loudly and he looks over. "Um."

   "Uh," I say, and then don't go on because my heart is beating too fast.

   "I should go. Yeah. Um... I'll see you on Monday?" He stands and eyes the door.

   Shit.

   "I'm sorry I said that," I spit out. "It was... sorry."

   "It's okay, I guess." He walks past me and is now basically at the door. "Uh, bye."

   I don't stand up until he's gone but then I practically run out the front door and yell his name.

   He stops just before getting into his car.\

   "Yeah?" he asks back as if he's surprised to see me there , in my bare feet on the porch.

   "I'm an idiot. Forgive me," I say, then smile.

   Finally he smiles back and nods. "I'll text you later?"

   "Yeah," I agree and watch him drive away before I go back into my house.

   What the heck did I just do?