Hannah

Seb mostly ignores me over the next few days.  I know he's busy with his girlfriend and his teenage life. He doesn't invite me to go anywhere with him and his friends again, which I appreciate. I'm sure he knew just how weird that was for me. I don't need to be assumed as his "friend" just because I ended up living in his pool house, out of the blue.

  But then something changes somewhere along the line, because it seems like he is suddenly actively trying to make conversation with me, rather than ignore my presence. He's not the most chatty person, but neither am I. I don't know if it's his mom's influence or not, but either way, I sort of like that he is trying.

  "So... how's the pool house?" Seb asks, coming into the living room later that week, where I'm picking a new book to read.

  It's Thursday and the weekend  and week were pretty quiet for me. I've done a bit of swimming and a lot of reading. Erin told me that I'm welcome to any of her books, and she has quite a collection on the bookcase in here. I've been thinking a lot about getting a job and keeping busy, but I don't really know where to get started with that.

  "It's fine. Good, actually. Better than anywhere else I've lived," I tell him, looking over at him.

  Seb sits on the couch and reaches for the TV remote. "That's sad. It's just a tiny pool house."

  "Yeah, well, my mom preferred alcohol and going out with her friends to living in a nice place."

  Seb doesn't know what to say to this. We are very different and it's obvious. So very obvious. We grew up in different situations, with very different parents. My mom just barely kept us alive, for years. Seb's parents have high paying jobs and a huge beach house and I know he's never worried about eating or when his next meal would be. I won't tell him that. Erin doesn't even know how bad it's actually been.

 "So, know anywhere I could get a job?" I decide to change the subject, as I pull a book off the shelf and turn back towards Seb.

 "Why would you want to do that?" he asks, then laughs.

"To make money?"

 "Oh. You're not going to college?" He looks genuinely curious, but his expression changes when he sees the look on my face.

  "Do you really think that was a smart question?" I ask him, rolling my eyes.

   "Sorry. I mean... you haven't really talked much about yourself." He pauses before going on. "This is my last summer to fuck around and party and stuff.  End of august, I'm off to London for school."

 "England?" For some reason, this really surprises me.

  He just nods, like it's no big deal.   

  "That's so awesome. You must be excited," I go on. If I was going to college in London in a few months, I'd be so excited.

 "My program is very competitive and it'll be a lot of work," he says, and adds a shrug.  "Therefore, this is my party summer."

   "I guess this my 'work my ass off and try to be able to take care of myself' summer," I tell him, trying to seem serious, too.

 Seb now rolls his eyes and then lets out a laugh. "You've got my mom on your side. You'll be fine."

  And I believe him, which is pretty crazy.

  My phone is buzzing on the table beside the bed, in the pool house, later that evening.

  My phone has only rang once since I've been here - almost three weeks - when Erin called to see if I needed anything from the store. She texts me once in a while, but that's it. I don't even have Seb's number in my phone.

  I don't recognize the number that is calling now, but I have a feeling attached to it. It's a strong feeling, and I know who it on the other end of the line before I even answer the call.

  I'm settled into Clearwater now. I am getting along better with Seb and I really like Erin and Matt. I feel happy, calm and more myself than I have in a long time. I'm not just surviving anymore, which is huge. I'm actually living.

  So, of course she chooses now to get in touch with me.   

  "Hello?" I answer the call, trying to sound casual. I know it's her, but I still answer.

  "Hannah," my mother's voice comes through the phone, just as I knew it would. Intuition, I guess.

  "Mom?"  I question anyway.

  "Oh, Hannah, girl, it's so good to hear your voice."

  I don't know what to say. I want to yell at her and ask why she ditched me the way she did. I want to ask why she waited so long to call.  But I can't seem to find any words now. I'm just... quiet.

  "Where are you staying? I miss you." she asks, but I can't even decipher if I believe her or not.

  "I'm fine," I spit out.

  "But where are you? I went back to Chapel Hill this week and tried to track you down-"

 "Where did you go?" I finally ask her.

 She sighs. "Devin and I are staying in a motel in Raleigh."

  And she didn't think to tell me, or take me with her? Of course not. Devin hates me because I called him out on being sketchy when he was flirting with me. Devin, her forty year old boyfriend. Devin, who encourages her drinking and doesn't exactly allow her to keep a job.

"I'm with Erin," I say cautiously, knowing good and well she's not going to like this.

 I shouldn't care what she thinks, but I still do. She's still my mother.

 "Erin?" she asks, in disbelief.

  "Yeah."

  "In Florida?"

   "Yes."

 "Good lord, why would you go back there?" she asks, with a laugh.

 "Mom, I didn't have anywhere else -"

 "I have to go, Hannah. I'll call you again soon. Don't believe anything Erin says to you."

 And then she's gone.

  She doesn't know Erin now. Sure, she thought Erin wrote her off and abandoned her, all those years ago, but it's different now. Erin cares about me, she always did. But my mom won't change her opinion of her. She won't forgive. It's not her way.

  I'm embarrassed by the conversation and the way my mom reacted, so I don't tell Erin that she called and that I spoke to her. I should tell her, but I don't. Not yet. I'm not ready to bring my mom's drama into our family again.

  At least the beach is right out the back door, waiting for me. I slip on my flip flops and practically run down the yard and out towards the sand. I'm wearing a tank top and shorts and it's already later in the evening, so the air has cooled a bit. But the sand is hot beneath my feet and I don't even care. As soon as I'm close to the water, I plop down and let it come up over my feet. Relief. That's how I feel when I'm sitting on the beach. Especially after that conversation with my mom. It was short, thankfully. But the way she reacted when I told her where I am? I just can't decide which side I should be on at this point.

  "Hey."

  I jump a bit at the sound of his voice, but when I look to my right, there is Cannon, walking towards me.

  "Oh, hi."

  It's been a few days since we went to for ice cream and he walked me back to the pool house.  I mean, he didn't even go all the way to the door or anything. He barely stayed long enough to say goodbye. I haven't seen him over the last few days, so seeing him now reignites the flame that sits in my belly when he's around.

  "How's it going?" he asks, still standing a few feet away from me.

  "Uh... fine." I'm not very believable, but I'm not trying to be.

  "Fine?" He sits down near me as he asks this.

  I look up at him again. "I guess."

  "Look at this beach. Look at the beautiful water. How can you be grumpy when you're sitting here?"

  "I'm not grumpy. It's just..." I let my voice trail off. I don't know if I want to get into this with him. We still barely know each other. "My mom called me this morning."

  "Your mom?"

  "She abandoned me, remember? It's been weeks and she finally called and... I just hate how she makes me feel."

  "How's that?"

  "Mostly that she really doesn't care about me. But then... she asked how I'm doing and where I'm staying. I told her where I am and she couldn't get off the phone fast enough. She had a falling out with Erin... who's my dad's sister... like thirteen years ago..."

  "That's a long time," Cannon says simply.

  "My mom knows how to hold a grudge."

  "Do you miss her?" he wants to know.

  I sigh, keeping my eyes on the water. "I don't know. I like it here, but I guess it still doesn't feel real. This life is... so different than my old life."

  "I get that. I mean... I have always lived here. But my life is pretty different than..." He looks up at Erin and Matt's beach house. "That one."

  I nod, but I don't know what to say. I only know that he has some shit going on at home that he needs to get away from, sometimes. I don't know the whole story, so I leave it  be. In this moment, though, I feel like I fit in better with Cannon than I ever have fit in with anyone before. I don't know how that's possible since I have only met him a few times and we don't really know each other. But there's something there, something I can't deny.

  I'm moving towards him before I know what's happening. It's sort of like I'm not in control of my own body when I move in so close that my mouth is practically touching his. He doesn't move away, so I keep moving until I'm kissing him. I don't exactly mean to do it, but once our lips are pressed together, there's no turning back. He's into it, I can tell right away. He's kissing me back. His hand even comes up and grasps the back of my neck.

  "Shit, I'm sorry. I didn't even ask if you're single or... Omg. Why did I do that?" I ask him, when I pull away.

  Cannon laughs, like this is no big deal. "I am single. And... I did not hate that."

  "You look mortified, though,"  I tell him.

  "Only because of Seb. He's my best friend. You're his cousin."

  "So... we don't let Seb find out?" I suggest, and it surprises me.

  Cannon kisses me again, before I can react. His hands coming up to my face. His eyes are half open, as he looks like he's thinking long and hard, but then he leans back and pulls me on top of him, letting go. I haven't been kissed like this... well, ever. I hooked up with guys in high school, but it never felt like this.

  "Hannah-" Cannon says, not wanting to pull away from kissing me.

  "Yeah?"

  "We shouldn't-" Then he's kissing me again.

  "Why?"

  "I just don't..."

  "Forget about Seb," I tell him, then slip my hands up his shirt and pull it off, over his head.

  That's when his mood changes entirely, and he seems to truly forget that he didn't want to hook up with me. I may just be using him to forget about my shitty mom. To forget about how shitty  my life has been. He may he using me because I'm new and he's got his own shit at home to worry about. But none of that matters in this moment. Not even a little bit.  

  I'm in his lap and he's laying down most of the way and we're making out like I never really have before. Because even though we don't really know each other, I feel something for him. It doesn't feel random or disconnected. It feels real, and good.

  "God, we really shouldn't do this here," he mumbles into my mouth, but doesn't break away from kissing me.

  "Pool house..." I say back, barely audible.

  He looks at me carefully and then I can tell he's considering the offer. I want him to agree because I want him. I don't know what any of this means, but I know what I want.

  But his phone starts buzzing and dings in his pocket of his shorts, just a minute later. For a moment, he ignores it. I try to ignore it, but it doesn't stop. Cannon stops kissing me for a second to pull it out and look at it, but then he grunts and takes in a deep breath.

  "I have to go. Fuck. I'm sorry, Hannah." The words shoot daggers into my chest.

  But still I nod and pull away, climbing off of him. "It's okay. See you later."

  He glances at me once more before sitting up and grabbing for his shirt. He half smiles before walking away, leaving me there on the beach. I don't mind, really. I love the beach. But I feel all sorts of things as I watch him walk away.