Hannah

"So Cannon, huh?" Seb says with a laugh, walking quietly into the kitchen, the next morning.

    "What?"

   I'm making a coffee - just pouring in the milk - and I only slept two hours last night. I'm half asleep and I have to go to work in half an hour, so coffee is the only thing I can think about right now. Did Seb really just ask me about Cannon?

 "I saw you with him," Seb goes on, accusations in his voice.

 Why the hell is he even up this early?

 "You saw me with him?" I repeat. "We were at the party together."

  "No. I saw you on top of him, with your tongue in his mouth," he explains.

  How does he still have a straight face right now?

 "Can you not talk about my tongue?"

  "Eww." Seb is finally smirking at me.

   "You said it."

    "I just don't get it. Why Cannon?" he wants to know, serious again.

  "Do I need to answer that?" I ask, not looking at him.

    "No." Seb spins away from me and opens the fridge. He pulls out the orange juice and then turns back around. "You don't. I just... I'm starting to... you know... care about you... and... Cannon is -"

  "Seb, I don't need a warning."

    "He's one of my best friends. He's fun and he's hilarious. But he's... got this dark side. Sometimes he just shuts down and I don't see him for a while."

  "I said I don't need the warning," I repeat, tightening my hands around my coffee mug.

    "Okay." He pours his juice into a plastic cup and then looks at me. "He's just got a sketchy past. I shouldn't even be telling you this, but... I'm sort of pissed he didn't tell me first. About you and him."

  "Seb, he didn't need your approval to kiss me."

  He makes a face at me. "Obviously not. But I've been through a lot with him. For him. He should have talked to me."

  "Sure. Maybe. But we're both eighteen," I go on, sipping my coffee. "Are you mad?" I want to know.

 "That you made out with Cannon? No," he answers.  "But Cannon is nineteen."

 Nineteen? Why did I not know that?

 Seb sees the confusion on my face. "He had to do tenth grade twice."

 "Oh."

 "That relates to his sketchy past." He drinks back the juice and then wipes his mouth, walking the cup over to the sink. "I just... I don't want you to get hurt. Plus he's leaving soon, for college."

 Soon? It's the middle of July. We should have at least another month together, right?

 "He'd tell me if he thought it was important," I say instead.

 "I think it's important, because..." But he trails his voice and doesn't finish the sentence. "Just talk to him, especially if it's at all serious between you two."

   "Yeah. It's all good, Seb. Thanks for your concern," I finish.

*

Cannon and I talk about a lot of things - movies, video games, music.  But we don't talk about him leaving. And I don't talk about my mom. Anytime it's brought up, I shut that down. He knows that I don't have it in me to talk about my abandonment issues. I don't ask about his family shit, either. Not after that party where he showed up with a beat up face.

  And even though I'm now an adult, since Seb told his parents about Cannon and I seeing each other, we aren't allowed in the pool house alone. I can't believe Seb tattled on us, but then again I understand fully.

    Tonight, we're in Seb's gaming room, the door open, even though Seb's not home. Erin likes knowing we're here and safe rather than "out somewhere doing drugs or having sex". Her words, not mine.

 Cannon has the VR headset on and he's been playing some game, but I'm just hanging out. Erin came to check in and brought us some chips an hour ago, so I'm snacking and watching him play.

 "Ha," he laughs and pulls off the head set. "I kicked those zombie asses."

 I really like his laugh. I think I might love it, which scares the crap out of me.

 "Did you?" I ask playfully.

  He plops down into the couch beside me. "Yep."

  I reach over and poke him in the stomach and he grabs my hand and pulls me closer To him.

  "Jesus, I love this," he mumbles.

  "What?"

   "Hanging out with you."

  "Even though we aren't allowed in the pool house alone?"

   "Yeah. I'll sneak in there soon enough. No one will know." He sticks out his tongue. "But this..." He looks around the room. "It's just good."

  "Yeah I think it's good, too."

    "Where's Seb tonight?" he asks casually.

  "Probably with Sabrina," I answer easily.

    "Ah, yeah." Cannon looks... annoyed?

   "You two are pretty close?" I ask him, then add, "You and Seb?"

  He snorts. "We were until... a few months ago. We still are. But Sabrina sort of rules his world now."

  "Well, I sort of rule yours," I tease.

    "Ha. Yeah, right. I do what I want."

  "Oh yeah? What do you want then?"

  Cannon flares his nostrils and pulls me closer. "Just you."

  I kiss him because I can't help it, but he pulls away. "Stop. You're teasing me."

 "I'm not teasing." I say but I lean in close again.

 "Stop," he warns again.

 "Fine," I grin and pull away.

  But Cannon tugs at my wrist and doesn't let me go. Our noses are touching when he smiles and waits for me to do something. I know I shouldn't, but I kiss him again. And he doesn't ask me to stop this time.

  This time, he leans back even more and pulls my leg so I'm straddling him. I don't want to stop so I kiss him deeper, harder, and he groans and runs his hands down my back, to my butt.

  "We shouldn't-" he mumbles against my mouth, but doesn't stop.

  I don't either. A few minutes later, I'm way too close to kicking the door closed and taking off his clothes. I know what I want but there's a small part of my brain reminding me to stop before we get in trouble.

  "It's ten -"  Erin's voice in the doorway of the room rips me away from Cannon's body and I toss myself to the couch beside him.

  "Right. Yeah. I should probably go," Cannon says quickly, pulling his shirt back into position.

  "You two..." Erin laughs and shakes her head. "Just check in with your mom, please, Cannon."

  "I will," he says and nods at her. 

  When Erin leaves, I stand up and look down at Cannon. He's so cute and goofy and fun and he's exactly what I didn't know I needed. I wasn't looking for a friend or a boyfriend - not that's he's my boyfriend now - when I came here. It's only been weeks and he's my favourite part of Clearwater.

  But he's leaving.

  In a few weeks.

  His dark eyes are looking  up at me.

  "What are you thinking?" he asks.

   "How damn cute you are."

  "Cute? Really?"

   "Yeah."

  "I'm not cute."

   "I'm entitled to my opinions."

  "True. I guess." He stands up and pulls me towards him. "I wish I could bring you back to my house right now."

   "You can't?"

  He freezes up and remains quiet for a minute. "No."

  "I could come visit you in Tallahassee."

 Why did I say that? Why would I bring any of that up now?

  Cannon steps back and looks at me and then looks down at the floor. I definitely messed up by suggesting that. We are just having a good time. We are just barely a summer fling. Why would I even think suggesting that was a good idea?

  "Pretend I didn't say that," I say slowly and then pick up the half empty bag of chips and our two empty soda cans.

  I'm walking past him to leave the game room when he speaks again.

  "Hannah... it's just that -"

  I spin back around and meet his eyes. "Don't. It's all good."

  He hugs me goodbye a few minutes later, after he says goodnight to Erin, who's in the kitchen. I watch him leave and then close the door with a sigh.

  What  the hell just happened?   

  It's been a few days since the conversation with Seb about Cannon and I haven't brought it up with him. I don't want to just ask him why he had to do tenth grade twice. I don't want to ask him anything about his life before he knew me. We aren't like that.

  "I have to admit, when you first got here, I wasn't sure you'd get along with Seb and his friends," Erin says, walking in through to the living room, where I'm standing.

 I haven't really moved since Cannon left.

 "I'm not like them, that's for sure."

  "You're more alike than you think. Especially with that boy," she grins and then gives me a half hug.

  I don't know what she knows about Cannon's family. I'm sure not going to be the one to spill his secrets that he trusted me with.

  I plop onto the sofa and Erin follows, as if she knows I need the company right now.

  "I didn't meant for anything to happen between us," I begin, glancing at her. "It just happened."

 "I get it. I know how it goes," she says with a smile. "But Cannon's family isn't a typical family. I don't know all the details as it's not my business, but I know he doesn't always feel safe at home," she begins. "He's been a friend of Seb's for so long that he knows he's always welcome here... but now the dynamics are changing."

  I nod and stay quiet. I don't know what to say to that.

 "I heard he's leaving for college-" Erin goes on.

  "I know."

 "Matt and I talked, you know... you're welcome to stay, Hannah. Our house will be so empty once Seb has left."

 They want me to stay to fill the void of their son going away to college?

 "I'm saving money. I'll get my own place."

  "Hannah. I just mean... there's no rush. For you to leave."

  I nod again.

  I don't talk about my mom with Cannon, or with anyone. I haven't talked about her since she showed up and made a scene and embarrassed me the way she did. But I have a feeling about what's coming now. Erin knows what I'm thinking, somehow.

  "It's her loss, honey. " Her being my mother.

  I just shrug.

  "You are our family, and now that you're back in our lives, you've always got us. I'm so glad you called me that day."

  I believe her, which is strange. I had gotten used to not believing things that adults said to me.  My teachers in high school said I could do great things, because I was smart and committed. My mom said she'd paid the rent and that she cared about me, even a little. None of that was true.
   

   But I trust Erin, now. She's my father's sister. I know nothing about my father or what happened to him after he left my mother and I. I will not be asking Erin about him anytime soon. I don't need him in my life.

  "I'm glad, too. I feel like I belong in Clearwater," I finally admit.

  "That makes me so happy," Erin finishes with a smile.