Hannah

I know how things should have been between my mom and I, now that I've spent a good amount of time with Erin. She's so different from my mom and I know she's not directly related to her at all, but I'm blood related to both of them. I only knew my mom, as my family, for over ten years. She was the only family I had and I learned quickly that her way was the way it was, even if it didn't feel right.

  But now I know. I know how things could have been. I know that I deserved better. Because Erin is better. She's good and she's stable and happy. My mom was never any of those things. She's not my mom but she's my family and this is where I feel like I belong.

  It's been over a week since I changed my cell phone number. I haven't spent much time thinking about my mom, or whether she was trying to get a hold of me. She likely hasn't. In over a month, she's only called me twice. She left me, all alone. I shouldn't care about my mom anymore.

  It's almost the middle of July, which is insane. I've been mostly working, hanging out with Cannon or spending time with Erin. The days pass. I fall asleep feeling happy and refreshed. The way Cannon makes me feel scares me a lot, but I know it's just because it's been a long time - if ever - that someone looked at me the way he does. I don't like the fact that we're still keeping it a secret, but it's the way it is.

  It's Friday and I'm waiting for Cannon, down the road from the beach house, where he told me to meet him. I'm in front of a smaller house with a little white fence and a big flower garden. He asked me to meet him so we can go for a walk, which we do sometimes if we both have the day off. I don't know what Seb is doing today, so it worries me a bit that we could run into him, but I shrug that off as I hear the door open and close. Looking up right away, I see him slip out of the front door of the house that I'm right in front of. He nods at me and then smiles as he comes down the path and through the gate.

   "This is your house?" I ask him, because I wasn't sure.

     He nods again. "For my whole life."

    "It's really pretty," I tell him, as as start walking next to each other.

  It feels like a big moment, now, knowing where he lives. He's kept that part of himself mostly a secret until now.

    "My mom loves that garden," he tells me and then slips his hand into mine.

  I love the way his hand feels pressed into mine. I love how I can feel his warmth and his pulse in my hand. He looks down at me and grins as we cut through a yard to take a side street. It's weird, with us. We sometimes go down to the beach and sit together and not even talk. Sometimes we walk, hand in hand, and that's enough. But then sometimes we end up in the pool house, our hands all over each other.

  We don't talk about his parents. We don't talk about my mom. We don't talk about him leaving for college. A lot of topics off out of bounds so we mostly talk about each other. I know he loves anime and he learned to play the guitar a couple years ago. He knows I love tacos and sushi and Taylor Swift.

  And it might not be enough, but it's enough because it has to be.

*

  There's a truck that I don't recognize parked on the road, just down from the beach house when I get back, an hour later. I just have an immediate sinking feeling in my stomach. Freezing at the end of the driveway, I take in a deep breath. I realize that I have to face the situation, even if I don't want to. I'd rather take Cannon's hand in mine again and keep walking, but my gut is telling me I have to go inside.

  "Text you later?" I say to him quickly, my heart pounding.

  He smiles and nods. "Sounds good."

  He doesn't kiss me because we're so close to Erin's house, but I wish he would. I need the encouragement and the support right now.   But he has no idea what I'm about to walk in to.

  My mother is standing in the kitchen of the beach house when I go inside, after I say goodbye to Cannon. I don't want him to see any of this, and he doesn't know what's about to happen anyway. I didn't tell him about my mom calling on my birthday or that she was why I changed my cell phone number.

  My mother doesn't belong here, in Clearwater. I can feel that right away. She doesn't fit in. And she looks angry, her wide eyes staring at me.

  "Let's go, Hannah. Whatever this is has gone on too long," she says to me right away.

  I freeze in the doorway, staring at her. I almost don't recognize her. It's obvious she's not eating well and she's drinking too much. Her hair is a mess and she's too thin, even for her. She looks older, rougher, even than how I remember her from a month ago and a half ago.

  It hurts in my chest, just looking at her. But suddenly I realize what she's saying.

  "What?"

  "We're leaving," she says, easily.

  "I'm not going anywhere," I tell her.

  "Damnit kid, why does everything have to be so difficult with you?" she snaps, rolling her eyes. "I have Devin's truck and we're going back to-"

  "Why would you just show up like this and think I'd leave with you?" I ask her, confused and hurt and overwhelmed.

  Does she still love me? Did she ever? Now, she wants to pull me away from the life I've made here?

  "I'm your mom." She says this plainly, with no emotion. "And you changed your number."

  "Yeah, but..." I let my voice trail off. Erin is standing off to the side, almost outside of the kitchen. She looks nervous for me. "You ditched me, and I found my way here, and I like it here."

  "Too bad. Florida is not for us. These people are not for us," she says loudly, then glances over at Erin.

  "I'm eighteen. And I want to stay here." My heart's beating too fast.   

  "You're not my daughter anymore if you choose these people over me, Hannah." She says this way too easily, like it was all part of her plan.

  "They've taken me in and cared about me more than you did over the last ten years! You don't get to have a say in what I do anymore," I snap, and then look at my feet cause I can't look her in the eyes. I know this is going to hurt her, and I still care about that. She's still my mother even though she hasn't been a very good one.

   "Well, that's great for you. Have a nice life with them. It's nice to know I just wasted all my time driving here."   

  She storms across the kitchen and is almost gone when she turns back. Her eyes are a mix of sad and angry - I know the look well. I know she wants to tell me again that I should go with her. I know she wants to beg, even. But she won't. It's not her style.

 "I'm serious, if you call me crying... I'm not going to come back and rescuing you," she says with no emotion at all.

  I nod, agreeing with her. "I get it. I don't need to be rescued."

  And then she stomps towards the front door and disappears.

  Erin rushes towards me as soon as she's gone, hugging me and saying she's sorry. She's rubbing my back with her arms around me and I'm crying, hard, suddenly. It all happens really fast and I can't exactly control it. I can't catch my breath because the finality of this it hitting me too hard.

  "Oh my... Hannah... are you okay?" Erin wants to know, pulling away to look at me.

  I wipe my eyes and nod, and then step back and look at the doorway, afraid she'll come back. I was never afraid of my mother. I was never even afraid of anything, actually. But now that she's gone, it might be for good. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.  I'm not sure of anything.
   

   Seb is suddenly in the kitchen, and he looks shocked. I didn't even know he was home.

  "Uh, what the hell just happened? I heard half of it from the other room," he says, looking between his mom and I. "That was rough."

  "Yeah," I agree. I don't even know how much he knows about my mom and the relationship I have had with her.  "You're lucky you have a normal mom," I tell Seb.

  Erin snorts from beside me, while Seb rolls his eyes. "She's not that normal." I appreciate his attempt at comic relief, even though I'm still trying to catch my breath.

  "Well... my mom can't get over the grudge she's been holding my entire life," I say, and then add, "And she's not well, I can tell."

  "She didn't look good," Erin agrees. "And I'm so sorry that happened, Hannah. But you've got us." She hugs me again, and then kisses my cheek. "I'm proud of you for standing up to her."

*   

  "Come to a party tonight. You've been here for a month and you  haven't even come to a party," Seb says, a little bit later that evening.

  I swallow hard, looking at Erin, who is sitting at the kitchen table drinking a coffee. She nods, giving me the permission I don't really need.     "I do need to blow off some steam."

  "Yes!" Seb yells, excited. I like that he's excited about this.

  "You two go and have fun. But not too much," Erin tells us, going back to her coffee and her phone.