forty-six - this kind of love
The soft knocking of knuckles against the bedroom door brings Levi out of his thoughts; he opens his eyes, lifting his upper body up from its previous laid-down positioning on the bed. He acknowledges the presence outside his door with a brief response. "You can enter."
The door opens slowly at first, as a slightly-sheepish Daniel peeps his head around to see Levi. "Hi," he greets quietly. "I-I just came to check in on you."
"You don't need to worry about me, Daniel. I'm fine." Levi offers a forced smile; he has started to trust this man a lot more since Christmas Day, but perhaps not with the thoughts that are currently preoccupying him. "Has Mum put you up to this?"
"She doesn't even know I'm up here," Daniel answers. "I've noticed that you haven't come out of your room other than to go to work ... for at least a couple of days. Is something bothering you?"
"Honestly ... I'm okay," Levi reassures him falsely. "But thanks."
"I don't believe that, Levi." Daniel grants himself permission to venture further into the room, perching himself at the end of the young man's bed. "I know I'm not your father. I'd never dream of trying to replace him. But you need to understand, that you can trust me with whatever is going on in that head of yours."
"I do trust you," Levi affirms. "It's just, I don't think me ranting to you will make much difference to the situation."
"Perhaps not." Daniel raises his arms in surrender, with a warm smile. "But I'd like to see if I can try, all the same."
"It's just George," Levi divulges vaguely; with a sigh, he lets his guard down, deciding to just get it all out of his system. "He hasn't called in days. It's almost as if he's lost interest in me entirely."
"Maybe he's just busy? You said he has a baby on the way, didn't you?"
"He does ... " Levi almost feels silly for feeling upset. "I know he has a whole life that doesn't involve me. I knew what I signed up for, when I decided I loved him."
"You did ... but he also knew what he signed up for, when he decided to be unfaithful to his girlfriend in London." Daniel gives Levi a sympathetic glance. "I think George is a good lad, you know. He's a wonderful guy. But I don't like seeing you getting hurt. He has a lot going on; he's preparing for his son to be born. But that doesn't mean he can forget about you. He loves you. I'm sure he hates being unable to talk to you."
"I've even tried calling him. He didn't answer. I know his work schedule inside-out, and I know Stephanie's too." Levi rubs the back of his neck, unsure on what to do with his situation. "Soon, she'll be on maternity leave and I won't get any chance to talk to him ... other than when he comes to see me here. She'll be at home all the time, or near enough."
"Are you becoming impatient for him to tell her the truth about everything?"
"I ... " Levi looks down at the ground, feeling shame at himself. "I don't want to lose patience, Daniel. I told him I understood his situation. And I do ... trust me, I do. I hate myself for growing impatient. I'm not giving up yet, because I love that man more than life itself. But ... I just hope he tells her, soon."
"He wouldn't want to lose you. I'm sure he has everything planned in his head; when he's going to tell her."
"He told me he's coming out slowly to everyone first. Then, Stephanie will be the last to find out. Something about being able to control the situation." He shrugs, as if trying to dismiss how complex all of this is. "There's nothing I can do at this stage. He's told me she'll find out. That's all I can cling to."
"I guess, how long you cling onto that is dependant on how much you're willing to fight for George. Are you willing to fight, Levi?"
"With all that I have," Levi nods assertively. "Until I can't fight anymore."
"So that's exactly what you do," Daniel instructs him. "You tell him you understand. You tell him that you'll wait for him. But then you tell him that you'll only understand and wait for so long; before you start to lose yourself in the process."
Levi takes a moment to ponder over what Daniel has just said to him; he knows deep down that he is correct, but in a sense, it doesn't quite extinguish the apprehensiveness he feels. The neat arches of his brows become curved as he flashes an unsure, yet appreciative smile. "Thanks, Daniel. I ... I know he has a lot going on with his unborn son. He'll be busy getting ready for the arrival; decorating the nursery room; buying clothes and blankets and stuff. I know how much of your life it can take up. I guess a part of me is actually jealous — because I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a child of my own with him. Just because the law says no."
"I know it's difficult. But that doesn't mean the laws won't change in the future. They're outdated as it is, really." Daniel shakes his head at the injustice that same-sex couples face, regarding starting their own families. "And besides, how do you know that George won't ask you to be godfather to the baby?"
"I suppose," Levi huffs sadly. "But it's not quite the same, is it?" He then suddenly becomes embarrassed of his own woes, as he rises from his seated position on the bed. "Listen to me harping on. I'm being ridiculous. I'll be okay now that I've had a bit of a vent. Thanks for listening."
Daniel nods, still a little uncertain that Levi is truly feeling better; but regardless, he too stands up to leave the room. "It's no problem. I'm always around to listen if you need it. You're a good lad, Levi. Don't let anybody ever make you feel like you're not."
"Noted." Levi forces a sincere-looking smile, seeing Daniel out of his room politely. "I'll try and call George again. He should be back from work now." He follows the middle-aged man down the stairs, nervously approaching the telephone to attempt the call once again. He picks up the phone from its receiver, dialling his favourite number; it rings a few times, but already Levi has a bad feeling.
In London, George is stood on a wooden stepladder; his entire person is filthy with blue paint; and sweat has accumulated on his forehead, giving off a shiny sheen. Stephanie is stood observing his handiwork; one hand is reached behind her, pressing to her back to support the weight of her growing bump, while the other hand rests lovingly on her stomach. As each day goes by, she becomes increasingly excited and anxious for the arrival of her son; she and George have been sharing in the mutual adrenaline together, through their preparations. The phone starts to ring; George halts his painting, ensuring the paintbrush in his hand doesn't drip as he turns his head to Stephanie.
"Are you going to answer it?" Stephanie asks. "I'm not expecting any calls."
"Neither am I," George dismisses. "Leave it for now. If they're desperate, they'll call back." His logic is applied to the idea of it being Levi; for if it is him, then he is sure to be back in contact shortly.
He moves his head back around to the wall in front of him; with a solitary dip of the brush into the tin of sky-blue paint, he makes quick work of finishing the last remaining wall of the nursery they are creating for Alexander. He climbs slowly down the ladder, standing back to admire his artistry.
"It looks perfect," Stephanie beams, coming forward to wrap an arm around George's back. "He's going to love being in here."
"Did the toy box arrive?" George questions, flitting his eyes around the room to check. "It was due to arrive today, wasn't it?"
"Yes! It's flat-packed though. It's in the hallway," Stephanie answers. "I'm thinking we can put it in this corner here." She saunters over to the furthest corner of the room, pointing with both hands to the space she has in mind. "It'll tuck in nicely between the cot and the changing table, don't you think?"
George grins softly, to show his enthusiasm. "I think that's a wonderful idea."
"There's no answer again," Levi sighs, as he places the phone back on its receiver in defeat. "It's going straight to answerphone. He's really forgotten about me, hasn't he?"
"Don't give up hope, Levi," Daniel motivates him. "He could just be busy. I'm sure he'll call you when he's available. He won't have forgotten about you. You're the love of his life."
"But it's been almost a week!" Levi loses his cool, which is very much out-of-character. "He's never missed a day since we got together, don't you realise? I can handle two or three days — he has work, and a baby, and a life. But a week?"
"Hey," Daniel calls quietly. "We've just had this conversation, haven't we? Remind yourself of how much you want to fight for him."
Levi soon calms down, inhaling deeply to regain his composure; he nods, knowing that Daniel is the only voice of reason he has right now. "I know. I'm sorry. I'm just getting overworked. I'm just messing my own head up. But I know I'm better than this, and I'm stronger than this. He does love me. You're right." He walks away from the telephone, with a new wave of confidence. "He can call me when he's ready to."
• • •
"Thank fuck that's done," George laughs, wiping the beads of sweat from his forehead with the side of his arm. "Whoever invented flat-pack furniture wants a good slap." He remains in his knelt-down position on the carpeted floor, admiring the toy box in its completed form. "It looks alright, doesn't it?"
"It looks so cute!" Stephanie squeals, stood looking over his shoulder at it. "Now I finally have somewhere to put all the stuff I got for him."
"How much stuff do we have for him?" George quizzes, amused. "Because I know what you're like when you get excited. Our bank accounts will be crying."
"I have some toys, and some clothes," Stephanie answers. "And some blankets and other things. Perhaps more than I'd like to admit. But let me show you this." She briefly leaves the room, returning a minute or two later with what appears to be a white blanket. She unfolds it, showing George that it's been personalised with Alexander's name in sweet bold grey and blue letters. "Look at this!"
George's eyes light up at the sight, as he scoops the comforter from out of her hands; he examines every sweet detail, from the gorgeous soft texture, to the adorable size of the item — it's not too small that it would get lost, but big enough to decorate the room appropriately. "This is fantastic," he gushes. "I love it. So much."
"I thought you would," Stephanie chuckles. "I thought that, perhaps when he's born; and I've held him a little; and he's been cleaned up ... you could be the first to cuddle him in that blanket."
George's mind conjures up the image: the idea of being sat in hospital with his newly-born son in his arms, wrapped in such a gorgeous throw for warmth, is enough to bring tears of joy to his eyes. "I couldn't imagine anything greater," he mutters, gently tossing the blanket atop the toy box so that he can bring Stephanie into his embrace. "You've really thought of everything for this baby, haven't you?"
"I've waited for this my entire life, silly." She snickers, still in awe of how much the nursery room is starting to come together. "But all of this is beyond my wildest dreams. It's exceeded every expectation I ever had, and I'm so thankful for it."
"I'm sorry," George apologises, seemingly out of nowhere.
"What are you sorry for?"
"For not wanting this before," George explains; though, feeling the need to elaborate, he continues to talk. "I think being so young was what put me off so much. But now we're only three or four months away, it's ... I couldn't be any more excited if I tried. This boy is already everything to me, and I haven't even met him yet. I didn't think this kind of love was possible. But ... thank you." He pauses a moment, to lean down and kiss her mouth. "Thank you for showing me what I missed out on."
"I knew you'd come around to the idea in the end," Stephanie admits, appreciative of George's words. "We're going to be a perfect little family, once he arrives. I couldn't be happier if I tried. I love you, George."
George's eyes gloss over with adoration. The thin line that separates his excitement for Stephanie bringing his son into the world, and the false romantic feelings for her, seems to blur. He appears to confuse his joy with devotion, in words that he would normally dare not utter.
"I love you too, Steph."
• • •
Oh no, George! He told Stephanie he loves her! Hope you're enjoying! xx
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