It's Kaillie. That's who Zach was telling me that he wants to start something with. Of course he had to pick the one girl who I felt was chosen over me before, the reason I resorted to such actions with Zach in the first place.

No wonder he didn't want me to know. I would have been even more angry at him than I was last night. I'm still mad, but there's nothing I can do about it. As betrayed as I feel, Zach and I were never a thing, and never exclusive, so I don't have a right to feel that way. We were friends with benefits, nothing more.

The funniest-or I guess the most ironic-part of all this is that my original reasoning for cheating on Carter is because I wanted to be first in someone's desires. Yet, here I am, second yet again, to the girl who seems to have all eyes on her. It's kind of stupid, this resounding jealousy I feel. First she seems to have most of Carter's attention, and now Zach's eyes have turned to her too. Am I just not good enough or something? No, the Zach part shouldn't be making me feel this way. He was just a rebound, a distraction from my poisonous envy. Me wanting more in our relationship couldn't have been actual feelings, right? It couldn't have been.

Then why is the simple sight of seeing them flirting at her locker making my emotions tick up farther, trying to upset the precarious balance I've been trying maintain all day? He's grinning easily the way he did with me, up until just yesterday, and she's smiling shyly, tucking her blonde hair behind her ear while revelling in his attention.

It's not that I went home and cried last night or anything like that. I'm not that kind of girl; my emotions are not so easily penetrated. But his words, and now his actions, seem to have upset my emotional equilibrium, throwing my balance off and tossing me into a different state of mind. Honestly? Zach's words upset me more than my breakup with Carter did; I guess that's because I knew it was coming and I obviously accepted it, as opposed to Zach's out of the blue words. The only part of the situation that hurts more is knowing how my actions impacted Carter, especially with the way he found out. I know it will affect his future relationships and shape his actions going forward. He'll more cautious and less trusting, unless his next relationship is with someone he already trusts deeply, like the way he does with Kaillie. Unfortunately for Carter though, it looks like she is about to embark on something with Zach. Not that I really think that will end well, but you know. I can't put my opinions everywhere, not that Zach or Kaillie would want to hear them anyway.

This is the way I look at it: if I took actions that resulted in my relationship with Carter ending because of the way he looks at Kaillie, why is Zach obviously convinced that the same thing won't happen to his newly forming relationship with her? Never did I ever say the looks I noticed were one sided. In fact, if anything, I pointed to the opposite. It's kind of concerning knowing that although Zach knew how I felt in the situation, he is basically putting himself through the exact same thing.  Why would he think this would turn out any different?

Before at these thoughts had crossed my mind, I had been getting my school stuff out of my locker, in order to go home for the night. That last thought almost had me paused in my actions, but I just realized how strange that must look. Especially since that's exactly how I don't want to look right now, when they're about to walk past me, all smiles and light laughs, unknowing of what could be them in the future.

Almost against my will, I turn my head ever so slightly left to catch a glimpse of them as they pass. He smiles. That's right, the very boy who upset me last night just smiled at me like everything is rainbows and gum drops and absolutely nothing is wrong between us. I'm sure I look like a deer caught in the headlights as I hear him explain to Kaillie behind me, "Oh yeah, I know Sara from one of my classes. She's cool," as if that is all. That may be how it started, but it sure as hell isn't how we finished. But I guess that's what you have to tell the girl you want to start a relationship with if you want her to stay, as opposed to seeing her run away from all the complications and messy actions you took part in, specifically if they have to do with one of her best friends. The thing about hiding secrets though, as I learned not to long ago, is that they eventually come out somehow. They find a way to escape the rock you placed over top of them, and create a path towards the light you hid them from in the first place.

Struggling to remember what I was doing, I grab what I hope are the right stack of papers and try to not look as distracted as I am. I'm pretty confident I'm failing though. Papers seem to be the enemy as I fumble them into my backpack, lucky that some of the pages didn't end up on the speckled school floor. I look up from my bag to meet the concerned brown eyes of my friend Reagan. "Hey, you good?" she asks me quietly, and I'm thankful that it's not loud enough for the other girls to hear. None of them know anything, and Lacey and Mackenzie would definitely have something to say about it if they did. If one of them has to figure it out on their own, I'm glad it's Reagan. Someone who doesn't really know her would say that she's simply quiet, but I don't believe that. I would say that she is one of the most observant people I've ever met.

Despite her powers of observation, I still take a moment to consider my response. Do I let her in, or brush her off? The first thing that comes to mind is to pretend, the same way I have with most people around me for some time now. Pausing longer to make a decision about what I want to say? That will make me look even more unstable, so I reply by saying, "Hey, yeah I'm good, just forgot what I was supposed to be putting in here for a minute," accompanied by a slightly awkward laugh I can't seem to help. Reagan just nods, and I know she can see right through my white lie. But for now, pretending to be okay is as okay as I can be.

*~*~*

After school, despite the unfortunate discovery of the day, my friends and I head over to the mall in search of some summer clothes just as we planned to last week. I'm in need of at least two pairs of jean shorts, and probably some shirts to go with them. Sure, I have clothes from last year that still fit, but new clothes are always nice. The group of us, Mackenzie, Lacey, Reagan, and I, patrol the space as we go from store to store in search of cute clothes and good deals. Hey, if you want new clothes, you gotta be smart about how you shop.

Shopping is usually a fun activity, especially when I'm with my friends. But there's just something about the way today has went, the discovery that was made, and the overall feeling of the last twenty-four hours that has me on guard. Unlike other times where I have careful, it seems I am continually distracted by these thoughts that just won't leave. Even though it's sunny outside, my view seems to be without the ease of colour. A dab world of black and white when I'm used to colour.

"What about these?" I ask Lacey, coming out of the change room in a pair of medium wash jean shorts with a white lace detailing on each pant leg.

She stands there, her hand on her hip as she analyzes how the pair of shorts look on me. When she makes the typically her motion for me to spin around in them, I do just that. "I like them," she declares, "and I just love the lace!"

I look down at myself, before I say, "Maybe I'll get them then, eh?" They do look good, and they're really comfortable. It's always good to hear other people agree with your opinions though.

"Definitely!" she says, before walking back into her own change room.

After that, I decide on two pair shorts-the lace ones included-and a couple of shirts. The cute clothes make me feel slightly happier in a superficial way, but it doesn't help my actual mood. I still feel a little off.

As we're walking to the next store, through the sunshine of the skylight above our heads, I realize my thoughts seem to have physically slowed me down, and I've dropped behind Lacey and Mackenzie. Reagan is now walking beside me on my right hand side, and she's looking over at me with a very concerned expression on her face. "Are you sure you're okay?" she asks me for the second time today. Honestly, I do know I've been distracted and not exactly acting like myself, even if I don't really have a right to be hurt over something like this. It was a no strings attached deal, to satisfy lust and give attention, not for him to like me. That was never in the deal, it was never supposed to happen. I need to stop letting it affect me so much, or at least put on a better front until I'm feeling less shitty about the whole situation.

I look over at her, trying to figure out what to say. Her brown eyes are wide as she stares back curiously, and suddenly I know what to say. "No, I'm not, but I will be," is what I tell her, and I leave it at that because it's the truth. For now, I'm not okay with what has happened, but I'll get out it-and him-the way I always manage to. Highs and lows are just a part of life, and I shouldn't let this downward direction affect me from going higher again, back to where I was before.