I'm not going to lie: it may have happened again. Or maybe a couple of more times. It's been a couple weeks since I got angry enough to call another boy over to my house, and I was hoping I wouldn't do it again, but that  feeling. I wanted more of it. It's like a drug, having someone who makes me feel so desired, compared to someone who makes me feel like I'm only on the fringes, a constant second place to the first captured by the light in their eyes. Then again, I guess lust and desire is like a drug in itself, and boy does Zach seem to want me.

In the interest of not lying, I was with Zach just last night, and boy, is it exhausting. This whole lying thing, that is. Making out with Zach? I mean, it may take effort, but I haven't found anything more exhilarating, anything closer to a pure shot of oxygen. Well, I guess it's really endorphins and spiking dopamine, but that's a technicality.

On the whole Carter topic though, I've tried to figure out what to say, and I just don't know how to phrase it. Especially since I know how Carer feels about cheating in a relationship. He hates it. His father left around the time he was born, likely for another woman, and his mother's boyfriend after that cheated on her too. Basically, he views cheaters as the scum of the Earth. It's not that I can't understand those reasons, as he has every reason to feel that way. Despite the fact my actions may not be morally sound though, I have my reasons too.

But if I tell him, that's what he'll think of me. And as someone who thinks that way, would he ever understand my reasons? Or would he just write me off as some person trying to justify their unequivocally wrong actions?

I've chickened out on telling him on multiple occasions for that very reason. However, the glares in the hallway tell me my time might be up. Particularly, the glaring heat radiating off Abby's not so friendly expression toward me as her eyes catch mine. If the hallway wasn't so full of people, I imagine her and I would be having a conversation, one that I'd rather avoid. This has to be one of the only times I'm grateful for the congested space of students passing through.

"Is it true?" I was just gathering my binder from my locker when I hear those words. The words of an angry boyfriend whose heard things he didn't want to know, and had no idea about. I almost lose my breath, knowing that this is it. He knows, he has figured it out, and here is no going back from it. No more playing games, knowing I can see all the cards as he believes my terrible lies.

As I turn slowly to face him with wide eyes, I see exactly what I expected to; anger flashing in his deep blue eyes, a feeling that looks betrayed beyond words. I know how badly I've hurt him, how I've ruined things for us. Yet, I can't seem to find anything to say. I stand there, my mouth the space of a small 'o' shape as I look like an overwhelmed idiot and try to think. At this point, lying to him won't get me anywhere. The damage is done. But telling the truth? In front of all these people? I can't be so honest, so vulnerable, with a group of people around, watching us like we're the latest entertainment. Unfortunately, I guess we are though. This is high school, after all. Every day holds new drama to get entertained upon, and today, I am an unwilling part of that drama. I guess I should be glad this was one of the times I was actually alone, not surrounded by the people I call my friends, who would have literally no idea what's going on between us. I'm pretty sure that before today they thought things between Carter and I were just hunky-dory, and I didn't want to share all the beautiful details to their single selves.

Moving my eyes downward, still trying to think, when I notice him hands are bunched up in fists, clenched up in anger. Then my eyes look more outward, and I see the gathering of feet I was expecting to see in a high school hallway. But Carter breaks my silence, and interrupts my thinking. "So, are you going to answer? Is it true, or not?" he whisper-yells, obviously aware of the crowd like I am. I can tell by the way he's asking, that he's hoping it's not true. But then again, who would be hoping for the opposite?

My green eyes catch his, as I state the facts. "It is, and I'm sorry, okay? This just wasn't working anymore," but it's never that simple, is it? There always seem to be complications.

I close my locker and try to move away, in an attempt to avoid the evitable questioning and the drama a little while longer, but before I can make my exit, Carter grabs my arm, a step away from his eyes flashing red and smoke coming out of his ears. "Are we not going to talk about it? That's it? You're just going to leave?" he exclaims with as much quietness as he can muster. If I didn't know better, I would say he sounds desperate; but I know him better than that, and he's not despairing for me, but instead, for answers. Ones I haven't given him. Looking deeper into his eyes, beyond all the anger, I see is hurt, pain and sadness. At this action, his grip on my arm loosens, as if he knows I can see everything he's feeling, everything I knew he would be feeling when he found out. I know, I should have told him. We should have discussed it in private, but instead, we're standing in a school hallway, because I chickened out and he heard a rumor, one I shamefully confirmed.

So many things I should have done. But they're all should haves, could haves and what ifs now. "I'm sorry, it's just over, okay?" I say, turning too quickly for him to catch me again. I find my way through the small yet shocked crowd, who make a path for me, with my eyes tucked to the ground.

However, Carter's voice stops me in my tracks. "Are you really going to make me the bad guy, Sara?" his voice echoes along the silent hallway, our audience holding a bated breath, waiting for my response. It's not like he doesn't look the part; the clenched fists, the stern expression, the leather jacket he wears most days. Even the motorcycle he rides to school sometimes. The only part that doesn't fit is the rumors about me.

For just a moment, I turn my head back and meet his blue eyes once again, seeing every emotions going through them. It's like looking into a blue storm from the outside. They look like chaos. It's turbulent and crazy beyond compare. I mouth the words "I'm sorry," yet again to him before I practically run down the hallway. So many things-or even this entire scene-wouldn't have happened if only I had said something. If I had voiced my feelings. If only I had done something, so everything didn't blow up in my face. And even worse? To protect myself, I hurt him even more, making him seem like the bad guy, even though this whole situation is my fault.

If only I had said something, did something. Was fearless in a way I obviously was not. Instead, I hid my secrets and lies, running into the shadows when they came to light.

*~*~*

As the school day goes on painfully slowly, I gather bits and pieces of the rumor that shattered what I had previously slashed in secret. Despite the fact Zach and I had been careful, usually only meeting at each other's houses, apparently we had not been careful enough. I guess I had gotten so caught up in my lies, I had become a little careless in concealing them as the secrets they were.

I've been hearing people gossip all day, when they think they're out of earshot from me. The rumor seems to have stemmed from someone claiming that says they saw me open the door of my house to a tall boy with hair too light to be Carter's dark locks. That doesn't sound too incriminating, or at least so I thought at first. This same anonymous source declares that as soon as this mystery guy was in the door, they saw us locking lips, and not just in the polite, kind of a peck on the cheek way. I can actually think of the specific time that happened, so I guess I should have took more precaution with windows. Fortunately though, the person-or group of people-who saw us didn't see Zach's face, and didn't get any details other than a couple possible hair colours, as hair colours can change with the colour of lighting. I guess they were too shocked to take a picture of the event that has shook up the school atmosphere.

I'm only partially surprised when Zach texts me, saying he heard what happened, and wants to know if I was okay. When you think about, it's really considerate of someone who you just make out with on occasion to be concerned, but it's also Zach. Even though he projects this careless facade, I've learned he is actually quite a caring person. I've started to think he does it so there is less of a chance he'll get hurt, and to make himself seem cooler. Unfortunately, making yourself out to be a fuckboi seems to be on trend currently. Which is good if you want someone to make out with, but not to be in a relationship with. Carter is one of those boys who doesn't follow the trend, but you know... I kind of fucked that up. At the same time though, I wasn't happy with him, so as sad as I am about it ending, I know it was me that caused our relationship to implode and the explosion was probably for the best.

You know, I guess it's times like this that make me think of Pretty Little Liars. I mean, they say two can keep a secret if one of them is dead, but unfortunately, I'm neither homicidal or willing to commit murder. I don't know who started the rumor, so I wouldn't even know who to kill, if I ever considered that to be an option? Sure, it could be Zach, but I really doubt it. Besides, Zach makes me feel too good to ever want to kill him.

I guess, despite the dramatic events of today, the overwhelming feeling for me is relief. Relief that I can stop lying to people who care about me, or at least who did, before they found out. It definitely helps that Zach was not outed, because that would make him an enemy of Carter, per say, and it was me who got him to agree to this, not the other way around.

With my phone under the surface of my desk, I type out a reply, telling him I'm not really okay, but that I'll talk to him later. And of course, thanks for his concern, because I'm kind of touched by it. My supposed friends, despite the fact I was sitting with them a lunch, have been repeatedly giving me weird looks since the news broke. I know they didn't know what was going on, and are probably questioning why exactly that is, and why I would commit such a thing, but they haven't been the most supportive either. Who am I kidding, I guess, my friend Mackenzie made a joke that maybe I cheated because Carter's dick wasn't big enough. Number one, that's not exactly mature, although if I wasn't personally involved, maybe it would be a bit funny. Number two, I wouldn't know, cause why would I give that part of myself over to Carter if I started to feel insecure in my feelings about our relationship? It wasn't like there was that expectation going in to it, and we weren't even together for that long in the grand scheme of things. Just under six months isn't that long. We got together last August, and now it's the middle of February.

For the five or so months we were good, we had a beautiful thing going. When there were no second thoughts, no midnight doubts creeping up on my mind. But sometimes, things have to end, and this was one of those situations. Those pesky secrets and lies that brought the relationship down? They have been making me happier than he has been in the last month or so, and now I'm free to explore them in the open, if I choose to do so.