"What is this!?"

I didn't know what to say. She saw it. She really saw it.

My devotional notebook.

"You know this isn't in our religion! Why are you doing devotionals!?" she yelled as she held my devotional notebook high.

"I don't--" I was cut off when a voice inside me spoke up.

"No. Don't. You'll make things worse."

From then, I decided that my answers should be only in my mind. I watched as she approached me, feet stomping. As she got in front of me, I felt a huge sting in my left cheek that caused me to stagger. She slapped me with my devotional notebook.

"How dare you!? All these times you were hiding it!? You are disgrace!" she yelled and again, a painful slap landed on my face. I try so desperately to hold back the words I want to say.

"You're not gonna talk!? Well then, this is what I do to your trash!" 

TRASH!? That's where I drew the line.

"I don't care about religion. I don't care if you're against me. I worship the Lord and I'm happy with it!" I screamed.

"Happy with not doing the deeds we do in our religion?! Stupid!" she yells and she ripped the pages off. That part made my tears trickle down my cheek. The more she ripped, the more tears flowed down. She headed to the nearest trash bin and threw the pages in there.

Monster. No. Ugh.

Without a word, I got my bag from my room and proceeded down to my study room. I don't want to go out of the house crying. People will think I'm crazy. The last thing I want is for people in our neighborhood to think wrongly of my parents just because I'm crying.

I punched the wall as I got to the study room. My tears won't stop flowing. "Why, Lord? Why? Help me. Please. Wake me up." I whispered as I slapped myself over and over attempting to leave this dream.

But this isn't a dream. It was a nightmare in reality.

"Gray! What the ---- did I just hear!? You're doing devotionals!? ----!" I heard dad yell as he stormed downstairs to where I was. "You are a disgrace! This is not your religion!"

"Yeah! Stick to your roots! This is not your true religion!" Mom followed.

I still cried and cried without answering. I don't care if it's not in my religion. I wish religion did not exist. I wish religion would just burn. I wish religion would just disappear. I wish-- I wish-- Ugh! I DESPISE RELIGION! WHAT KIND OF STUPID MAN MADE INVENTION IS THAT!? UGH!

"The money. Take it and leave." The voice told me again. And I catch sight of the seven pesos in the desk from awhile ago. Of course. It is a blessing! God knew that this would happen and this is His help.

I grab the money and ran from my parents. Before I could leave I shouted "RELIGION SHOULD BURN TO THE GROUND AND I'LL STEP ON ITS GOOD FOR NOTHING ASHES!" After that, I slam the door behind me, storming out of the house.

As I walk in the sidewalk, I can't help but feel a little relieved that I'm out of there. For some reason, the silence of the outside world was enough to soothe my sorrow and stop my tears from flowing. I wipe my tears and regain composure. I act as if nothing happened and that I'm just going to school in a normal day.

Was I okay? No. Deep inside, I wish I died. I wish she never saw that. So many 'I wishes' going on inside me that it's making me sick. I just wanted to go to school and treat this as a normal day.

I rode the jeep and paid for my fare which was the seven pesos. Now, I don't have any money. I didn't grab my water jug, my snacks and my lunch. I didn't have time for that. 

==========================

At last, I arrive at my classroom. Before opening the door, I wiped my tears and took a deep breath. Don't blow it, Gray. You can do this.

The bad thing that the conflict did was made me late. Therefore, when I enter the room, all eyes are on me and they may see that I've cried. I muster up every bit of courage I have surging through my body and pushed the door.

Ma'am Dianna is not here today. She has her class at her college which leaves me unprotected from our Science teacher's gaze.

I know she's scolding me right now but I'm too fed up with my parents' scolds to even care about looking or listening to her. As she babbled on and on about punctuality, I just headed to my seat and adjusted my things. I turned back from her to hide my sorrowful face. "Get on with the lesson."

She was silenced. Seeing that I was not interested anymore, she resumed the discussion. Vince saw me as I turned around. Worry evident in his features. He put down his pen and faced me. He grabbed the face towel that was covering my face to unveil my red eyes.

"Are you okay? Did you just cry?" he asked.

Of course, Vince. "No, Vince. I'm okay."

"Are you sure?"

No. "Yes."

"Okay then." he said and he turned back to where Mrs. Cobblestone was talking and resumed writing on his notes. I brought my notebook out and pretended to write to avoid suspicion. 

Everything came rushing back to me. The devotional notebook, the ripping, the scolding, the cursing, the stomping, the slapping. It pains me to have that flashback. Sure, I've been through many of those scenarios but this one is different. It pulverized my already pulverized heart, if that's even possible. I stop the tears that want to get out of my eyes.

'Man up! Don't let them know.' I remind myself.

The good thing is, I'm at school. My friends won't scold me, my friends will understand, I'm away from my parents and I can finally have some peace for now.  

knock knock

"Excuse me, is Gray here?"

Or so I thought.