Days at home were spent with my family, my brother, and his girlfriend Josie. We played board games and we even got to make a snowman due to there being enough snow. The Christmas time was spent the same way as it was in my childhood. We opened presents, had brunch and visited grandparents in the afternoon.

It was nice coming back home, maybe because my life in New York was a mess. I knew I would have to get back to it soon and make a decision about it. But for a while longer I wanted to linger between the memories of a past I will never get to experience again. 

Being at a crossroads made me wonder, what I should do next. I decided to call Aileen, despite her being against my friendship with Alex from the very start. I called her because I knew she was the only one who could give me the unbiased truth. When I phoned her, the first thing she said was, that she saw the post. So, I had some explaining to do before I could ask her for advice. 

After my brief explanation of how I got myself into a situation of appearing on the Instagram story, she laughed, "This story is straight out of my romance books."

I chuckled at her excitement being conveyed through her voice. I wished my life could be portrayed in one of the romance books, she loved to read. That way it would mean, that I would get a happy ending. And I guess that's all I really wanted in life, a happy ending. 

After some time talking with her, I finally mustered up my courage to tell her about Alex's proposal. "I told you. That guy is head over hills for you," I saw her clapping in enthusiasm on the other side of the video call. 

"Aileen, he just wants me to pretend. Don't you think that the opposite is true?" 

She shook her hand, "Rosie, he knows you are shy. That's why he is careful in approaching you."

"You think?" I was beginning to believe her way of thinking. Maybe she was right, maybe all our friends were and we just weren't seeing it. 

"You are like a deer. If you get caught in the headlines all of a sudden, you'll run away. But if he makes small movements, he might get to see you up close," I couldn't believe she was comparing me to a deer. 

"So what should I do?" I asked with a tremble in my voice. 

Aileen agreed that there could be some benefits for us two to partner up, but there could also be some downsides. I felt that my heart was still as fragile as it was after my break-up. I decided to address my wavering by sharing my doubts with Aileen. 

"You should tread this situation with delicacy," she told me while worry was laced through her caramel eyes. Our conversation at the end left me empty-headed and without any sense of direction or clarity, I had hoped for. 

I hadn't had the slightest clue of what I should do. That's how I spent the first week of my Christmas break. I didn't have much time left for me to ponder through the questions concerning my feelings towards Alex. 

I was beginning to ask myself if I was prepared to fly back to New York just for a party. But a little voice in my head said that it wouldn't be just for a party. I would be also flying to New York to accept Alex's proposal.  

"Yes," I was sincere with myself, "I was afraid of what might happen in the process of our little charade, but at the same time, I was also curious."

I was curious how Alex would have treated me as his girlfriend, how I would be treated by Nicole and Dylan and maybe most importantly of all I was wondering how I would treat myself in a relationship after the last one.

Would I be patient with myself? Would I let things go? Would my life become living instead of just surviving, which I was currently doing? I knew I was surviving and not living life. I wasn't stupid and I was done lying to myself. However, I was afraid of living. The last time I did that, I lost myself in the process, my heart was scarred for life and my trust was broken.

My thoughts didn't let me sleep in the night, and my mind made countless pros and cons lists all resulting in the same sentence, "I could try and maybe nothing could go wrong, but..." That but or however that came after every conclusion could very well be the end of me.

I knew I was overthinking things. It was Josie who helped me see the other side of things, by saying something one night while doing face masks that really stuck with me. We spoke about how our lives were going, and she admitted she was scared at first by my brother going to LA and working for all those important people. She was scared because she didn't know if she was good enough for him. Which was total bollocks. Josie was the missing piece to my brother's puzzle.

Where he was composed and serious, she was charming and warm. Where he was childish, she was strict and organised. I have never in my life met two people who would be more right for each other than those two were. It was in the way everybody around them perceived them. From the start, we knew that his relationship with Josie was different. From the first time he brought her home, we saw them as a tandem. Because they were one.

Despite being so in tune with one another, Josie still didn't feel it. Everybody around them could see it, except for her. And I asked her if she was ever afraid, that she would lose a friend if they broke up. And maybe it was her answer or the way her eyes lit up, when she answered me, that reassured my decision to fly to New York. She said, "Even though your brother and I could break up, I would be happy because I found a friend in him. A friend who doesn't judge me and is happy for every little success I have."

"If I know one thing for sure is that maybe I doubt about being good enough for him, but I never doubted him not being happy for me," she concluded. 

And that stuck with me, more than I was ready to admit. With Alex, I felt the same thing. We weren't anything other than friends, but I knew that if I told him, I just killed a spider, he would be proud of me as much as he would be proud if I told him I just got a job I was interviewed for. Alex was happy for every little success of mine, and I couldn't picture a scenario where he couldn't be even if we parted ways in the future.

However, that didn't stand just for Alex's side but also for mine. I would be happy for him despite it all. And even though I refused to accept this, I wanted him to be happy and at peace more than anything. Even though that might mean that my own peace of mind would suffer at the expense 

I was prepared to do it if it meant Alex would be more focused on his basketball career. Even if it meant I would have a hard time keeping my feelings at bay while this pretending was going on. With that realisation, I packed my bags and got on a plane. I got on a plane, because he asked me to, for the second time in ten days.

Once I was on a plane to New York, I knew I had done the right thing. I might have done it just a tad too late because my landing got delayed, which meant I could be late for his party. I didn't think that one through. But I noticed I didn't think things through as often now as I did in the past. Since I befriended Alex, he made me more spontaneous than I could ever be on my own.

I went straight to the apartment I shared with the girls. Once there, I encountered Nicole and Dylan who were heading out. I said that I would catch up with them at the party, but Nicole decided to wait for me. I needed to shower and get the smell of the aeroplane off me first. 

After I blow-dried my hair, I put on some makeup and a little black dress. I remembered Aileen saying one time when she was watching the Batchelor, that you could never go wrong with a basic black dress. And that was my plan for the night. Not to go wrong. 

I knew it would be difficult to get to the 44 Club during New Year's. I knew it would be without a doubt a hell show. So me and Nicole called an Uber and hoped for the best. But I was soon crushed by the reality of it all. At that time the streets were full of people going to Times Square or other places. And the 44 Club was only a couple blocks away from Times Square.

It was ten and a half, and we still had enough time to get to the club. However, the driver turned towards us and said that he couldn't drive us any further. The streets were packed with people and he needed to turn around. I paid and we got out. Then we tried to follow the navigation on Nicole's phone.

We came to the club's door an hour later and I was still in doubt if I was going to get in. Alex might have forgotten to tell the bouncer to put my name on the list. Nicole went to the front door and to the person in front of it. 

"Sorry, but this is a closed party," he shushed her over before she could say anything.

I tried after her, "We know that, but we were invited, we know Alex and Jennifer."

"Of course you do," the man just shook his head in disbelief.

"Look if you could just contact Alex. He will explain it to you," I insisted.

Nothing changed. The only solution I could think of was to call him. So I did, however he didn't pick up. Nicole tried reaching Dylan, but neither did he. Of course, they didn't. The music was probably way too loud for them to hear the ringing of their phones if they even had them with them. I was a mess. I didn't want to spend the countdown being out in the cold before some club, I really didn't.

And then I noticed a familiar head of curls coming out from the door. It was Jennifer, I started approaching her. She could help us. Jennifer noticed me, "You made it."

"It was a shit show with the Ubers and everything," Nicole sighed. 

"Well, good thing you made it," Jennifer reassuringly hugged her. 

I gestured around us and onto the streets packed with people, "You've got a full house."

Jennifer beamed with pride, "Oh yes. You know Gray, he has a lot of friends and ideas about how to make this place popular."

"Well, he is succeeding," I nodded.

"You'll be okay with all your social anxiety?" she asked me concerned.

"Yeah, I will be. I am just a little bit shaken because we had to walk for an hour before we got here. And then the bouncer didn't want to let us in. You came just in time. We wouldn't enjoy spending the countdown outside."

Jennifer hugged me, "I am so sorry, baby. We'll get you in, don't worry about it. I just came out for a smoke. Inside is packed and it became a little bit too much for me. It's the first New Year's Eve I am spending here as someone who doesn't live here anymore. So there are a lot of people that wanted to catch up with me." 

So we waited for Jennifer to blow a smoke. And then we got past the bouncer, Jennifer patted him, "Next time darling, just call us." 

She looked amazing even though she was a little bit tipsy. We climbed the stairs. Alex and Jennifer loved the view. They had a party on the top floor. 

Once we were inside, there were only five minutes until midnight. Nicole and Jennifer went straight for the bar once we were at the party and I followed them. Dylan noticed Nicole and gave her the biggest smile.

"Just in time," he whispered in her ear as she giggled and hugged him back. They were so in love and I was happy for both of them. Jennifer started giving instructions to the waiters on what kind of champagne they needed to prepare and how to manoeuvre the whole thing so they could enjoy the countdown as well. I decided that was my cue to find Alex. 

I searched the crowd, but then I noticed that the room was bigger than I originally thought. I made my way towards the centre and looked for a tall figure. He was nowhere to be seen. I turned and looked a bit further and noticed a room in the back. I made my way through the crowd, which was tough. It was packed. The people started cheering and I knew the countdown would soon begin.

Once I was closer to the back Alex's figure appeared and I started going towards him as the people started counting, "Ten, nine, eight."

He saw me, and the flicker in his eyes gave me the belief, that he was as happy to see me as I was to see him. His smile gave me the confidence to do my last steps from the old year and into the new one, as people around us continued with, "Seven, six, five."

When they came to four and three, we were standing in front of each other.

"You came," his mouth moved.

"I did. I am down," I breathed out quickly before I would have the opportunity to change my mind. 

"What?" he didn't hear me, all we could hear were the chants of, "Two, one. Happy New Year."

So, I did the second-best thing I could think of. I stepped on my tippy toes and put my hand around his neck to bring him closer.

I closed my eyes and went in for a kiss, while his other hand slid around my waist and brought me closer to him. Our kiss was just like the one he gave me when I didn't know how to stop my mind from overspilling. But then he let go of his carefulness and his tongue started to explore me. Everything became more passionate as I intertwined my fingers in the back of his locks. 

He murmured something against my lips, but I didn't get a chance to register anything, because the fingers of his other hand wrapped around my neck and dipped my head a little. His tongue slid deeper and I tugged his shirt to come closer. He did and in that moment I knew we fitted like puzzle pieces. 

Once we broke it off, we were both out of breath. I steadied my hands on his shoulders as his hands still lay gently around my waist. It was a couple of seconds of his eyes studying my face before I repeated the words I was meant to say since I got on that plane, "I am down."

He smiled and leaned his head to make a little bubble around me with his shoulders, before his arms tensed around me and his lips brushed against mine. He was asking me for permission and I gave it to him. I trusted him, that he won't hurt me. I trusted him, that's why I thought that another kiss wouldn't harm anyone. I guess that was our way to start the New Year right?