It was like that.

A feeling so immense that it feels like she needs to end herself. A feeling where she couldn't even breathe. A feeling where this world now looks as temporary as it truly was.

What was worse?

The people, of course.

She wasn't looking for their sympathy anyways. But, she wasn't looking for their comments.

The first day she didn't even believe that her father was gone. She remembers she silently went to her neighbour asking Aloom to follow her until she brought him to her father's body. Aloom took over the matters real quick.

She didn't want to shout or cry especially near her father's body knowing that her religion prohibit that. And, that, her father's body might suffer from her veiling.

Her mother came by too. Just to say that she was all alone, again. She didn't even show a second of consciousness when she asked what she plans to do next.

She didn't reply.

She just sits in her room while Aloom updated her throughout the whole procedure of the funeral.

Then, her father was buried.

All she heard people say was how a young girl is all alone and there is no one for her. How a young girl will take care of all the activities needed after the funeral.

As if, her father taught her religion that was real. And, she knows for a fact that she was supposed to mourn for the next three days, not feed the whole population just to hear them say that the food wasn't good or enough. She also knows that the reading of the Quran and everything was also not part of her religion. The only thing that can help her father was his own deeds and if she plants a tree, donate Quran or such. Nothing else will help.

So, for the next three days, she stayed in her father's room looking at the ceiling as people gives their condolences. The people from her work helped her immensely even more than people she had known her whole life.

"Are you going to stay like this all your life?" Her mother screamed banging the door of her father's room open, "You need to move on with your life. Dead don't come back".

She felt her heartbreak.

She obviously knows about deaths. She has witnessed deaths after deaths while working in the army. Some of her friends and other of her colleagues. She knows how death works. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

"Why are you here?" She asked, sitting on the bed as her hair fall on her shoulder, "I don't see any reason for you to be here. In my father's place".

"You are an ungrateful brat". Her mother snapped, "I need to get you married before I leave".

"Excuse me?" She asked bewildered, "What do you mean?"

"You are of age". Her mother pauses, "I planned this trip because your sister found a proper man for herself and they want to get married. I don't want people to say that I didn't care about you enough. I want you to get married since you are older than her".

"Step-sister". She spoke, "And my father never gave you the right to make any decisions in my life. I will not marry for your pride/reputation to stay intact".

"Is this what your father taught you?"

"Don't bring my father into this". She shouted, "He was more of a parent than you will ever be. Take your things and leave my place right now".

"You will not survive without a man".

"I don't need one to live".

She slammed the door on her face before running back to her father's bed. Even if it's four days his scent still linger in his room. She remembers those nights she was afraid and he would stay awake with her in his bed and tell her how he will fight everyone for her.

And he did. He always fought with everyone for her. He never once said he will bring another woman when people told him how hard it will be for him to raise her. He never once let her believe that being a son would have been better for him than a daughter. Every single stereotype was what he fought for her.

It was time that she lives to be the woman her father worked his life on. She will not marry because she has/needs to she will only ever marry when she wants to.

She heard her mother cursing her for a long time before she heard the front door opening and more shouting coming. She opens the door of the room stepping into the living room to find Aloom's mother fighting her mother.

"I know you had a thing for him". Her mother accuses and she always accused her father of the same thing when he never once raised his eyes to look at another woman

Aloom's mother slaps her mother, hard, and she can't even deny the satisfaction she felt at that moment.

"You are a disgrace to women". His mother snapped, "I have spent years watching the poor man breakdown from the way you treated him yet he never spoke ill of you. I have spent years watching that beautiful child suffer yet growing into the amazing woman she is today. And, I have spent years watching your shamelessness and I have enough. I only respected you because he said so. Since he is not here anymore and I am sure you will only bring suffering to his child, get out of this house and never look back".

She leans on the wall watching the fury in her mother's eyes as she raises her hand, "I wouldn't do that if I were you".

Her mother turns to her, seething, "I should have never birthed you".

"You are too late to regret that". She said nonchalantly

It wasn't the first time her mother told her that she wasn't needed. That she was a mistake that ruined her life. It was always the case. Her mother was married at a young age just like her father. She was barely sixteen when she was bestowed on her father to care for. And, her father did care. He never started a relationship until she was eighteen and understand what a relationship is. He never forces her into anything and let her mother's childishness remain.

Sometimes she thinks it wasn't her parent's fault how they turned out. It was perhaps the fault of their parents to force them into a sccared bond without knowledge and without accessing the consequences. They should have let them live, learn and choose who they want.

Once her mother accuses and curses her some more she was out of the door. His mother embraces her in a tight hug whispering soothing words.

"You will go and take a shower while I heat these dumplings". His mother order and she can't help the small smile that comes on her lips

Pain doesn't automatically end the ability to smile. It is not how things work. Yes, she felt the emptiness within her but she was grown into a woman who knows her smile was a treasure she won't lose.

"I love your dumplings". She said looking at the box in her hand

"My dumplings?" His mother asked confused, "I didn't make them".

"What? Who did?"

"Aloom likes dumplings that his father used to like so he learnt from him after insisting that he needs to learn them. I didn't even see him that determine for something and even when he doesn't like to speak about his father- he still makes his dumplings every now and then".

She stands there astonished.

The dumplings she had the very first time was a day after his father left. She didn't think his father would know to make something nevertheless that Aloom will learn it for her. That's why his sister always become awkward when she says she loves them.

She shakes her head, with a smile, she enters inside her room to finally change and shower. Her father wouldn't want her to be this way. As she stands under the hot shower the wound in her heart pierces open. She leans on the wall crying for her father and the fact that the last thing he ever said and felt was sorrow.

He was a man who shouldn't have to live that kind of life. He was her hero, he will always be.

Just as she exits she heard the doorbell ringing again. She ignores it not wanting any more people telling her what she needs to do with her life. Somehow the shadow and shield her father had over her were gone with him. Now even stranger who she never talks to think they have some right to speak in her matters.

Obviously, the fact that she didn't cry in front of anymore raised many voices. Such as she didn't care enough for him and she didn't marry in his life adding a burden to him. Also, the fact that she didn't feed them the meat they were dying to have caused some more disturbance. One thing army duty has taught her is to stand by her decisions.

If she decided she will not crave the worldly thing and honour her religion over everyone, she will, even if it means people will accuse her of things.

Mostly, people don't even feel apologetic towards someone else. Why will they when they are? But people usually come either to enjoy someone's pain and says things like 'Thank God, it wasn't them' or the fact that they want some gossip or food. There is no other reason people comes by.

Though in religion it is obligatory to visit the house of the dead. World today made it into a joke just like every other religious activity.

The dumplings were her healing.

Just as she munched on them and the beef melts in her mouth, she felt energized. She cannot even thank that idiot for preparing this fresh batch after taking care of everything before and after the funeral. He has stayed outside her house greeting the many people and rarely allow anyone in her comfort. She knows that he knows she needs her time. That she needs to sit down and just be.

She takes her cellphone that has messages and texts from people. She ignores most going straight to Aloom's contact.

'thank you for everything, Aloo'

Just as she sent the text she felt giddy inside. She knows he doesn't hate her. It's the fact that what happens to his father and his absence in his life has caused a major issue. Even as children both Aloom and his sister have to listen to people. There were times when she saw Aloom defending his sister when someone try something on her. The fact that they weren't sheltered by a father figure somehow allowed this society to do whatever they please with them.

Her father has a couple of fights for them too. She remembers when Aloom was in a fight with someone who said that his father only took this job so he can stay away from them. It was immature but so was Aloom at the age of thirteen.

Her father went ahead and dealt with everything. As she mentioned, her father wasn't a man who gets angry easily but she saw how angry he was that day. He had put everyone in their places and took Aloom with him for a day. After that day, Aloom was pretty mature, slowly but surely her father started to direct him in the right direction.

She took a deep breath wearing her suit and fixing her hijab for the millionth time. She needs to do this, for herself and her father. She heard her door knocking and she feels like everyone now has a right to knock whenever, next thing she knows they will be entering her house without even permission just like how they are all trying to get into her life decisions.

She went to open the door when she saw her mother standing on the other side.

"Don't bother". Her mother said before she could have said anything, "I am just informing you that you are not my responsibility. If you think I will leave my family for your ungratefulness then you are wrong. I will not sacrifice more for you all".

Well, that hurts.

"I am capable of handling my matters. What I truly need from you is to not return here again and to never ever ask anything of me. You decided your life is in Europe with your new family, live that. Don't come here and bother me again". She said slamming the door again

She slides down, holding her head in her hands. She had cried as much as her father. When she was young she never understood why her mother would come for a month and then leave. She used to beg her to stay which often results in her mother shouting at her or pushing her to the ground. She used to do everything well like achieving high marks to send it to her mother who never replied. She was trying everything to have her mother's love.

It was when she starts to understand that you can't beg for anyone's love. Not even your parents. Usually, people say to not beg for your partner's love- she realises that it is far easy to stop loving a person who is a stranger than a blood relationship.

But, every single relationship should be built on respect and care. If not, never beg for it. Begging lower your standards. Once a person stops loving they might give sympathy but never love. And sympathy runs out too.

She took her bag heading outside hoping she will not bump into anyone else at least this morning.

"Hey, Pinnochio". She heard his voice and groan 

She continues to walk fast to ignore him but he appears right in front of her.

"You know ignoring me is impossible".

"No it's not. I have been ignoring you all my life".

"You are not a fifty year old, Pinnochio. Yet you speak as you have lived that long".

"I might as well be fifty to escape you".

"Aww. You don't mean that, do you? I know secretly you love me".

She grunted, "Love? And you? There is so much wrong in that sentence".

She watches a forced smile on his face, "Whatever. I will drop you at work".

She frowns, "I can drive".

"I never asked if you could. I said I will drop you off and wait for me I will pick you too".

"Why will you do that?"

"Do you remember that idiot?" He asked referring to her cousin who wants to marry her, "That man who wants to marry you?"

She nodded hearing the disgust in his voice and he sighs, "I heard him say some stuff at your father's funeral. I won't repeat them but I suggest you minimize your plans. Try to be on the safe side".

He remembers he did give that man (he is not even one) a good warning. All the pain he felt of losing another father figure inflicted perfectly on that bastard.

She nodded knowing that Aloom wouldn't joke about these things. And the anger that was in his eyes and his jaw clicking was evidence enough. She also know that her cousin was always after her. The day she decided she will join the army everyone was extra nice or chasing her for two reasons either to get their work done faster or have favours or to have her as a whole and take whatever she brings.

Her workday was much better. Besides, that people give their condolences no one treated her differently. They were immune to deaths and now that she stands in her office reading a new report of someone breaking through her security protocols and killing three of the men on duty, she knows how close and unexpected deaths are.

Her father still managed to live a good life. That was what she was thankful for and she prays that he has a good ending where he always belongs to (Lord).

She decided she will plant a few trees for her father in a rural area. She asked some of the people who work there to do it for her while she will pay them. She can't exactly leave her post to travel there. She also donated a few Quran in a nearby mosque in her father's name knowing these deeds will truly help him.

She was done with her work early than she expected especially with new threats. She exits the building heading to the exit watching her watch which says she is an hour early and Aloom probably won't be there yet.

Maybe she can eat from around her. Aloom did warn her not to. She purses her lips angry that she needs to hide from everything while that bastard gets to be free. She knows Aloom doesn't mean it in a wrong way- he wants to protect her and rebelling when she is at risk is stupidity.

Just as she exits she found Aloom's car and she pauses looking at him. She was sure he wouldn't even come to pick her up, especially because this was the same unit her father last worked in. Yet, here he was.

She knocks on the window and he immediately looks at her. A smile on his lips as he opens the door and she sits in.

"Isn't it hard for you?" She asked genuinely because she knows it hurts him

"Is it for you?"

It is. Even when she is trying her best, it is still hard. It still hurts to know she won't have anyone when she goes back home.

"It is". She sighs

"You do know you don't have to pretend in front of me or my family". He said gently, "We know how much it hurts. We are always there for you. You don't have to hide your wound, Pinnochio".

"You were doing so well but you have to use that stupid nickname". She groaned, "And I don't want anyone to see me as weak. They will use it against me".

"I know how people are". He said angrily, "I know they will say either to heal and move on or be weak and let them use you. There is never anyone around who will not do one of them. Everyone just wants you to be ok and won't even let you heal yourself. But, you can pretend in front of everyone. Not me. I am here, Zahoor. Always".

"You know Baba always talked about you". She said with a sad smile, "He used to say you were an amazing boy and whatnot. I always used to tell him to adopt you and leave me alone but you know what he would say".

He chuckles, shaking his head, "What?"

"He always said that you won't like to be my siblings and vice versa. I still don't know why he would say that".

"Maybe he wasn't as oblivious as you".

She tilts her head, "What does that mean?"

He hits the break a little too hard, causing her to hit her head on the roof of the car.

"I will kill them".

She turns to look at her uncle and his family standing in front of her previously locked house (now open) with a smug look and she knows it won't end well.