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It was one of those sad periods in Jin's life... again. He had terrible periods, awful periods, but the ones he disliked the most were sad ones. He kept wondering how so happy and interesting moments could turn into bitter and sad ones so quickly. Having two of his best friends fight so terribly and suffer, each on his own was too much for Jin. He missed them...he missed their laughs and talks...he missed the affection they shared together. Jin felt like he let them down somehow and he hated that feeling.

He spends most of his time with Yoongi nowadays, making sure he eats properly since Yoongi didn't do anything really. He lost his job, his love and his will to live. He mostly sat or lay on his bed, not saying a word. His bright mint hair was washed up and looked colourless...so Jin tried to add some colour to it, but it simply turned out washed up red. Yoongi didn't care. His gaze seemed lost, staring. 

He always reminded Jin of a young oak tree, still not thick with age, but strong, with roots deep into the ground. Yoongi possessed the inner strength that made people around him feel safe and protected. He tosses the huge shade all around him, protecting the people under his branches from the scorching Sun and pouring rains, yet allowing a few sunrays and drops of water to breach through the leaves and give light and life. He was magnificent.

Now, however, he was dying. The leaves almost fell completely off, the branches were dry and fragile and his roots gave more depth to the ground than life once was. His childhood and life itself weren't easy on him, but he still managed to stay strong, even though he always needed someone to help him stay above the darkness, on the light. First, it was Mingyu, who helped him and gave him shelter and support every time his stepfather came home drunk and started beating the shit out of him, calling him names, the same Mingyu who ended up hurting him when he chose the women he warned him about over their friendship. Then he had Jiminie...his Jiminie...the love of his life, but...hell... it didn't turn out so well either. Each time Yoongi fell more and more above the line and Jin did his out most to keep him in the light. 

Jin was so worried about him. He loved Yoongi, but the man he knew simply vanished. Yoongi's eyes scared Jin the most...they were unresponsive, too calm and too emotionless. Jin remembered the eyes like that. He saw them in his own reflection before, but he couldn't remember when. He only knew that it terrified him.

Jin went to see Jimin, to try to talk to him, but the young man shut him out completely. He told Jin he does not want to talk about Yoongi, or what happened and if Jin was here because of that, he apologized, but he think it was best for him to leave.

-'' Yah! Jiminah!'' – Jin shouted at him. – '' I don't expect you to accept his love, but to ignore him completely because he was gay...HIM... your best friend, Jimin... It's unacceptable!''

-'' I do not ignore him because he is gay!'' – Jimin shouted back.

-'' Then what!?''

-'' You don't understand Hyung!'' – Jimin said desperately.

-'' Then help me understand!'' – Jin said, putting his hand on Jimin's shoulder, and when the young man didn't reply, Jin spoke again, anger disappearing. -'' Jiminie... Look at me.'' 

There was a painful expression on Jimin's face. A few tears fell from his thick lashes as he blinked, teeth sunken painfully into his lower lip, trying to grab a hold of his emotions and not cry in front of Jin. - '' Hyung...'' - He whispers in a sad voice. -'' I... I don't know what to do...''

All of his angry defences crumpled. He felt lost and confused and all Jin wanted at that moment was to hug him and tell him that everything would be alright, but he couldn't.

-'' Jiminie, sometimes...'' - He tries. -'' Sometimes when things get too rough and harsh, it's best to talk with someone about it. Not necessarily asking for help, but the talk could open new perspectives...it could give you a certain idea of what to do next. So talk to me, please.''

-'' Oh, Hyung...'' - Jimin sniffs. - '' I don't know what I feel anymore...'' - He brushes at his eyes, voice so small. -'' I don't know who I am anymore...''

-'' You are still Jimin.'' - Jin put a hand on the young man's shoulder, giving it a little reassuring squeeze. -'' The same one I know. You haven't changed, you just...''

Jin paused for a moment, trying to find the best way to express himself, but Jimin was impatient.

-'' I just what, Hyung?'' - He looks at him in his round eyes.

Jin sighed, looking at him. Even though Jimin was more muscly and strong, he looked so small, hunched in front of him. Jin had to remind himself that even though Jimin's feelings might be fragile at the moment, his personality could handle everything. 

-'' Jiminie...I don't think you...changed per se.'' - He says carefully, watching the other man's expression carefully. -'' Moreover, I think that you finally discover a part of yourself that was already there, buried deep down within yourself, but you just couldn't see it.''

Jimin blinked confusingly, brows scrunching. -'' What do you mean, Hyung?''

Jin sighs, disliking that he has to explain more thoroughly. -'' I think that your feelings for Yoongi are far deeper than a mere friendship, but! – Jin interjected with a raised index finger to stop Jimin from protesting. He already saw him bristle with indignation. -'' But!'' – He points again. – You didn't understand that what you feel is not just a great friendship.'' 

When Jimin didn't speak right away, Jin felt it safe to add. -'' Yoongi did, however. And he tried so much to hide it and not burden you with it.''

He observes the young man and then clicks his tongue, huffing. -'' Oh, Jiminie, I wished you could see what I saw.'' - He says, eyes unfocused somewhere in the room. -'' The way you were around him...you change and you shine with joy and positive energy. You were always the one who could move him and give him energy and he was your anchor, your Zen garden.''

Jimin was quiet. His wide eyes first glared at Jin, but then turned from anger to pure astonishment.

-'' You seemed and you acted like you were a shy couple.'' - Jin continued, not caring for Jimin's shock. This needed to be said. -'' You missed each other very much when you were separated. He was depressed and quiet every time you went on a business trip and you were always worried about him when you leave.'' - He glances at Jimin, smiling. - '' You always keep asking me if he ate, slept enough, if is he well, what he is doing. You were crazy.'' - Jin let a small chuckle, tilting his head to the side so as to better observe him. -''  You cuddled and you laughed, you cried together and had fun, but you never crossed that line of physical intimacy, not knowing, perhaps, that you've crossed the emotional one a long time ago.''

Jin observed the young man, seeing the inner turmoil in his head, evaluating whether or not to continue.

-'' But, Hyung...'' - Jimin breathed weakly. -'' I am not gay.''

Jin remembered Jisung's words. Having a dick rammed up your ass, doesn't make you gay. And he barely managed not to smile. It wasn't the time or place.

-'' Just because you love, like or are attracted to men, it doesn't mean you are gay unless you are only attracted to men...in that case, you are.''

-'' But I am not, Hyung, you know I'm not.'' - Jimin defends weakly. -'' I'm attracted to women, I...''

-'' Yes you are, but your heart has no restrictions that your head does, Jiminie.'' - Jin pats his small hand. -'' Am I gay because I like having sex with men, or am I bisexual because I like women as well? Why do we have to categorize people? It's stupid.''

As he didn't say anything after that, Jin tilted his head again and asked. - '' Do you remember when I asked you to kiss me, Jiminie?''

Jimin snapped his head at that. - '' That's not the same Hyung.''

-'' Isn't it?'' - Jin asked. -'' You were so open about it, so...helpful. You made me realize something about myself.''

Jimin gulped, breathing harder when he asked tentatively. -'' What?'' 

-'' That it's ok to like both sexes. We are drawn to the ones we feel the chemistry with, the connection or the attraction. I find you extremely beautiful Jiminie, but I do look at you as a younger brother, I told you that.'' 

Jimin nods. -'' Yes, you did and I do look at you as older brother as well...''

-'' Mhm...'' - Jin hums, having a thought suddenly. -'' Tell me...was it the same feeling you had with me when you kissed Yoongi? I presumed you kissed and more, otherwise you would not freak out this much.''

Jimin felt his face go bright red. -'' I...we...umm...''

-'' Don't go into a panic mode, I don't need details, just take a breath and think.'' - Jin instructed. -'' Was the feeling different with Yoongi?'' - He asked again when Jimin did what he was told.

Jimin's chest was rising and falling faster than usual and his lips were trembling slightly. His eyes looked at the floor, moving so fast left and right as he had a silent discussion with his consciousness in his head. - '' Y-yes...'' - He finally croaked.

Feeling slightly optimistic, Jin asked softly, as if not to scare him off. - ''How did it feel, Jiminie? Wrong?'' 

Jimin raised his eyes to look at Jin, shaking his head. -'' No.'' - He says instantly, eyes going wide as if this information was new to him. He inhaled deeply, wetting his lips with his tongue before he tried again. -'' It felt...it felt like...like it was the only thing I wanted at that moment.''

-'' Wanted what, Jiminie?'' – Jin prompted carefully.

-'' To kiss him...to touch him, but I was drunk.'' - Jimin shakes his head as if to clear his thoughts. -'' I had no control over it... I...''

Jin squeezes Jimin's hand. -'' The worry, the affection, the care...everything you did for him, wasn't just a friendship Jiminie.'' - He says pointedly. - '' I think the fear of being in love with him, scares you more than the fear of losing him, am I right Jiminie?''

Jimin was lost for words, but in a way it made sense. Jimin wasn't just afraid...he was petrified. He couldn't love a man, that's ridiculous. Jin must be wrong. Jimin rose up from the bed he was sitting on and started pacing the room. Jin remained silent, allowing the young man to settle his own confused thoughts. After a minute or two, Jimin turned towards him, eyes wide with panic.

-'' I can't do it Hyung. I can't love him, it's impossible.''

-'' Why is impossible?''

-'' Because of everything...my parents...my...'' - He stammers, and Jin shook his head, seeing the real reason for this denial.

-'' Aaaaaah there we are...'' – He interrupted Jimin's rambling. Oh, he knew that "How to tell your parents" feeling. – '' Do you think your parents won't accept you loving Yoongi?''

Jimin laughed sarcastically. - ''I know they wouldn't!'' - He says knowingly. - '' They disapprove of Yoongi anyway, and they have no idea that he is...umm...''

-'' Gay, Jimin. That he is gay. It's alright to say it out loud, you know.'' - Jin says, eyes narrowed like he is losing patience with Jimin's parents already, and they are not even here.

-'' Right...I know...it's just...'' - Jimin stammers again, running a hand through his copper hair. -'' They despise it when they see gay men. It's unnatural to them.''

-'' Is it unnatural, Jimin?'' – Jin's tone was calm but cold. Jimin stopped in his tracks.

-'' Hyung, two men or two women can't create a family, have kids...well...women might...one of them could give birth to a child, but it won't be mutual.'' - Jimin says it automatically like he is reciting a book or someone.

This was so different that what he said months ago when they talked about this subject. Jin remembers. It's alright when it happens to someone else, but it's a completely different matter when it's personal.

-'' It would be.'' – Jin interjected.

Jimin shakes his head. -'' They can't make a child together, Hyung. It's not how is meant to be. Nature doesn't work that way! Plus what would that child say one day, that it has two moms or two dads, c'mon? The children would tease him, he will suffer.''

Jin rolled his eyes in annoyance, his voice stern. -'' Jimin, don't you lecture me in biology. I know how babies are made and born.'' - He shakes his head in disbelief. He hated that he had to have this conversation, disappointed that someone like Jimin could not...will not...see it himself. To think with his own head, but instead, accept the wrong teachings of his parents and pastors he was subjugated to as a child, without even questioning it.

-'' A man and a woman could create a life together. It's the easiest fucking thing, Jimin.'' - Jin's voice ooze irritation. -'' The women just spread their legs and let the men shoot their seeds inside and if they are successful, nine months later the baby is born.'' - He raises his arms in the air and lets them drop to his knees. -'' It's so fucking easy! But, tell me, could all men and women raise a child? Could they raise it to be a better man or woman than they were? Would they be able to give that child love and warmth and support? No, Jiminie, not ALL people are ready to be parents. A lot of them should NOT be parents ever!''

Jin remembered his parents and how they left him. He remembered Jungkook and how he escaped his. He remembers Yoongi's stepfather, and Namjoon's uncle... no, no, they should never have or take care of kids, although Jin wasn't entirely sure about his parents. That one was his fault, and he had a nice childhood, as much as he can remember. Still, they left him, they sent him away, and for that, he cannot forgive them.

-'' But, there are a lot of others that are made to be parents. To love and raise a child to become a happy and successful person. A lot of which are gay, and not able to have children in a biological way. But that doesn't mean that they are wrong and sick, and natural, Jimin. No!'' - Jin was filled with passion now and Jimin stared at him dumbstruck.

-'' It's not their fault that they love the same gender. The heart doesn't choose based on gender, nationality, religion or skin colour! The heart chooses what he wants, and we can do shit about it!'' 

He remembers Namjoon, Jisung and Joy. He remembers V. It was so fucking unfair.

-'' Is that so bloody wrong, Jimin?'' - Jin continues. -'' Will you rather give a child to a straight couple, who drink or do drugs and fight?'' - He asks, not expecting an answer. -'' Or a gay couple, who live a normal healthy life and love and respect one another? Family doesn't mean a man, a woman and a child if there is no love and respect. That's not a family, that's punishment.'' - The image of Hwan flew through his mind. He is still hiding who he is because of the judgemental society. His marriage failed. His love life is a disaster. He sees his daughter only on weekends. He's pretending every day, and life for him sucks. 

-'' I know what it's like to be left and disavowed by a father, just because I fuck men. He didn't stop to think and ask me if it was just a phase or if I'm I truly sure of myself. Or if there is a chance of me giving him a grandchild one day, because that could definitely happen.'' - Jin huffs a sarcastic laugh. -'' Even my mother...her dignity, and the respect she enjoyed were too much for her to lose, together with her husband, so she also left me...the problematic son.''

-'' Hyung...'' - Jimin says weakly. This was all new to him. Jin never talked about his parents.

-'' I know Jiminie! I know what it's like. I know the fear and I know how painful it is to fall so low in your parent's eyes, especially when they had such high hopes for your future.'' - Jin says bitterly. -'' They wanted the best for me because they loved me and I did some terrible shit because I was hurt and depressed. I know Jimin, I understand, believe me, I do, but I would do it the same way all over again if I knew that the man I love the most would accept me and love me back and not hide behind his fears and his image like you do now!''

Jimin flinched at Jin's harsh words. He had no idea what Jin meant. He also had no idea what Jin went through. He watched him blink his tears away.

The image of Namjoon in his mind was too much for Jin to bear now. Even though enough time has passed between that time and the present, it still felt too much, perhaps because he remembers it only a few weeks ago. He never felt feelings more strongly than he felt with him. Not even with V which says a lot.

He felt like drowning. He didn't want to talk about it anymore.

-'' Look, Jiminie, I have to go.'' - He raises himself up, ready to leave.

Jimin was surprised by this fast change. He grabs Jin's hand to halt him. -'' Hyung, wait!''

-'' Jiminie, let me go.'' - Jin tries to shake him off, but the young man was holding hard.

-'' Hyung, please. Don't be mad, please.'' - He says in a panic mode. -'' I can't bare it for you to be mad at me also...''

Jin's features soften seeing Jimin's face contorted in a cry.

-'' Aish, don't cry Jiminie.'' – He runs his thumb to brush the tear on Jimin's cheek.  -'' We are both a little tensed and confused.'' - He says soothingly. -'' I am not mad...just...think about your words before you speak them. You might hurt people unintentionally with them if you are not careful.'' - He advises.

Jimin bends his head in remorse. -'' I am sorry Hyung, I am.''

Jin sighs deeply. -'' Jimin, your parents might want the best for you and there is nothing wrong with that, but you are a grown man now.'' - He says slowly, waiting for their eyes to meet.

-'' They can't make decisions for you...'' - Jin continues once he had Jimin's full attention again. -'' They can't live your life for you. You!'' - He touches Jimin's chest with his finger. -'' You need to live it and embrace who you are.''

He puts his hand on Jimin's to release himself from the man's grasp and then steps back. 

-'' Search within yourself your true feeling Jiminie...think... think from all aspects of the matter. Don't look only from one perspective, look from others as well... you might miss something that could not be seen from one place, but it's clearly visible from the other...you just need to make the effort and move, observe it all around, under and above. Don't be close-minded, Jimin. Open your mind, please.'' 

He gathers his jacket and puts it on. -'' It took a lot of bad things for me to realize that... and I hate being so dumb in the past, so constricted of how others saw me and what was right in the eyes of society.'' - He made a disgusted face at the very thought of societal propriety. - '' I played drama when there was no need for that because I was so concentrated on my own tragedy to see life itself.''

He sighs tiredly. -'' Jimin...'' - He turns to face him. -'' You might meet a nice girl that you will love enough to start a family with and have children. Be the pride and joy of your parents, but...you might fall for the guy as well...don't...'' - Ha pauses slightly, raising a finger to make a point. -'' Don't reject love, because it's not accepted by society and by your parents.'' - He says knowingly. Jimin just kept his silence, listening. -'' True love is rare these days.'' - Jin chuckles. -'' There are a lot of masks walking around. Everyone hides their true self behind a mask of their creation, so they could fit in easily. Don't hide behind the mask Jiminie. Accept who you are...everything that you are.''

-'' I will try Hyung...I promise.'' – Jimin said timidly, staring at Jin in wonder as if seeing him for the first time. Jin, his silly Hyung who he adored. Jin which wise words gave him chills down his spine and opened up the doors in his mind that Jimin didn't know existed. He gave him so much to think about, to ponder.

Jin nodded and stepped forward, kissing Jimin's forehead, before he slipped through the door, closing it behind him. Jimin slid down and sat on the ground, leaning his back on the bookshelf of Hoseok's guest room. 

His mind was buzzing with thoughts and memories, analyzing everything and everyone. He wasn't ready yet to change his life so drastically...or was he? He thought of his parents, of his father and mother and brother. He couldn't hurt them like that. Jimin couldn't take it, he was too close to them, but Yoongi...damn it... Yoongi was...IS...still... his favourite person. He terrified Jimin and made him happy at the same time. Jimin took a deep frustrating breath, knowing that he needed more time. He needed to leave and find his path....away from his parents...away from Yoongi. Only then will he know what he truly wants.

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Thank you all  💖