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Awakening - Ch.7


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At one of their lazy hangouts, when Yoongi was at work, he and Jimin spent the entire afternoon watching anime and talking. They talked about everything and since Jimin was very well-informed about various subjects, Jin learned a great deal from him. Jimin was fantastic, and Jin loved making him laugh with his bad dad jokes. His joy was adorable, loud and physical since he would bend his entire body and cover his mouth as he laughed hard. 

They came across the subject of homosexuality at some point, which was still taboo in Korea. Gay people were disregarded, hated and shoved around. They were thought to be sick and sinful. Jin thought of himself as a potential sinner. His impudent thoughts towards V gave him countless sleepless nights and he was scared, confused and a bit curious. 

Jimin, who was always so loved by both males and females, was a perfect person to talk with about this. He was flirty and clinging with both, a social butterfly. Yoongi was right, Jimin was the most friendly person alive, making friends with everyone wherever he goes. He gave and received affection effortlessly and Jin assumed that Jimin must have experimented at least a little. He was wrong, though.

On one particular day lazying around together, Jin shifted slightly from his stomach to his side, as he lay on the bed. He leaned his head to one of his hands while using his other one to play with a loose thread of Jimin's shirt, who sat next to him, cross-legged.

-'' Jimin-ah, umm... what are your thoughts of two men together?''

Jimin was taken aback since the question come out of the blue, but being so relaxed with Jin, he sat up straighter and gave the question a thought.

As he didn't answer for a good minute, he huffs a laugh. -'' You caught me off guard with this one, Hyung.''

Jin felt his cheeks go red and he made an apologetic face. - '' I'm sorry Jimin-ah. It's alright, you don't have to answer.''

-'' No, I will.'' - Jimin reassured him. - '' Let me just gather my thoughts.''

Jin nodded. - '' Take your time.''

-'' Well...'' - Jimin began, wetting his lips to buy himself more time. -'' I think that everyone should be allowed to love whomever they chose.'' – His voice was quiet, but gain strength with every new word he spoke. - '' I get why some people think it's a sin, my parents included, especially because of all that talk that God intended man and woman to create a life and repopulate. Gay men cannot conceive a child, but there are other ways, of course, especially in this day and age.'' - He made a pause to sort his mind, and then continued, a bit firmer this time. - '' It's impossible to make someone love someone they don't. It's stupid. The human heart is much more complex than societal norms.''

His eyes were unfocused somewhere in the room as he spoke. Jin observed him carefully. Despite all his support, there is an even deeper denial of his own feelings that he would never admit to himself. His own self-doubt and criticism were too big, but in Jimin's heart, there wasn't room for disliking people that are different from him. He just couldn't imagine himself liking anyone other than a woman.

In Jimin's mind, he was a lady's man, even though he loved seducing everyone. He enjoyed being loved, popular, and admired as well.

He was never in love with any of the women though. He loved, however, the little affairs of his, filled with sweet dates and hot nights. He was still waiting for THE one, with the big THE, the girl he would marry one day and have kids with. His parents would be happy and everything would be great. As long as everyone is happy, and he lives that perfect dream, Jimin thought himself safe, and yet, he didn't do anything to get that dream. He kept telling himself that he was still young and still too playful whenever his mother tried to find him a match.

He just couldn't understand why he feels like something is missing with any of those girls his esteemed parent hooked him up with. They all come from respected families and are well-behaved and smart young women, who are very pretty and attractive too. And yet, each time, Jimin would find a fault in them.

-'' We never seem to click.'' - He said to Jin. - ''Maybe I just need to fall in love, I guess.''

He wished that he could be friends with them, that he could have that relaxing factor that he has with Yoongi or even Jin.

-''I am most relaxed with you two.'' - Jimin confessed to Jin that day. - Yoongi is my best friend, my partner in crime, you know, and you...you are like my older brother.'' - Jimin spoke. - '' I look up to both of you.''

He wished for the skin-ship and love that he had with his Hyungs, to have with his future wife as well, only in a romantic way. That easy, friendly, platonic relationship he had with Yoongi for all those years. The care and a slight worry for their well-being and desire to see them healthy, safe and happy. Add good sex, a bunch of kids, happy parents, and he is all over the Moon.

And even if he doesn't find that girl, and ends up marrying some good and kind woman, he'll still have Yoongi. Yoongi will always be there, so Jimin didn't worry much.

He didn't realise that he stopped talking a while ago and had this realization all in his head, while Jin observed him silently.

-'' So...'' - Jin said, breaking the silence. -'' You won't mind if a friend of yours is maybe little gay?''  

And on that, Jimin's mind went straight to Yoongi without knowing why. He doesn't mean Yoongi, right? It cannot be him. Jimin thought.

 Yoongi was a very private kind of person, yes, and he didn't share things easily, but he wasn't gay. He would've told me by now, surely he would. 

There are no secrets between them. Yoongi simply didn't like to date, but he had dated girls in the past, and Jimin would know if there was a guy there.

Jimin's expression must have been disapproving as these thoughts fly through his head because Jin's entire body went rigid as if he mentally prepared himself for rejection. That made Jimin pause. Maybe he doesn't talk about Yoongi. He thinks. Maybe it's... Jin's worried expression told him all he needs to know, and Jimin's entire face cleared into a grin.

-'' Maybe little gay?'' – He asks, smiling. – ''No, I won't mind if my friend is maybe a little gay. I won't even mind if he is really gay.'' - He actually meant this. He didn't mind. He didn't mind at all if Jin loved men or was bisexual.

Jin's expression was still worried.

-'' Hey, Hyung.'' - Jimin took his hand. -'' Hey, I don't mind it, I promise. What's wrong?''

-'' But... what if...'' - Jin began and then stopped, not sure whether to say it or not.

-'' Hyung you can tell me whatever you want. I will listen and I promise I won't judge.'' - Jimin gave him a reassuring smile. - '' What's wrong? Hmm?''

Jin sighed deeply. - '' What if your maybe little gay friend is not entirely sure whether or not he... he likes you?'' 

Jimin's heart jumped at that. Oh, that would be bad. He thought. He wouldn't wish it at all. He doesn't feel that way towards his friends, not even Yoongi. They are guys and because of that, they are out of reach. Jimin would never cross the line. It just didn't feel right.

Jin's eyes stared at him nervously in anticipation. Jimin noticed that his Hyung have been touchy lately, but he brushed it aside, not dwelling too much on it, but now it all started to make sense. 

-'' Do you like me, Hyung?'' – Jimin asked gently, his voice wavering a bit, and Jin tensed suddenly.

-'' I don't know.''- He says earnestly. - '' I'm still pretty much confused with all of my emotions.'' - He looks down at their clasped hands, taking comfort from Jimin's touch as he forced himself to speak more, to explain himself better. - '' I thought I like women, no. I'm pretty sure I do like women, but I have had this confusing feeling, ever since I met my friend.'' 

Yoongi? Again, Jimin's first thought. He didn't like that either, but realizing that he had the wrong first assumption before, he asked instead. -'' Who?''

-'' V.''

Jimin nearly sighed loudly in relief. It's not Yoongi, good. 

He became more cheerful from that moment on, feeling genuinely curious about Jin's predicament. 

-'' V, your flatmate?''

Jin nodded.

-'' Was he the first man you were attracted to?'' – Jimin asked.

Jin nods again. -'' Yes, and it's confusing because I had a best friend back home, Taehyung, with whom I was really close and I never felt any attraction towards him, even though we were cuddly and clinging.''

-'' Tell me about your roommate, V.'' – Jimin was always intrigued by Jin's mysterious friend, whom he never met. When he saw Jin's shifts uncomfortably, he quickly added. – ''It's okay Hyung, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I was just curious.''

Jin smiled slightly. – ''It's not that I don't want to talk about it. It's just...that I don't remember all too well myself.''

And so, Jin told Jimin his entire story. At least the things he remembered. He changed a few things, of course, because how otherwise would he explain that V was the same person as Tae? So he told him that Tae drowned, which was true in a way. Tears start flowing down Jin's cheeks as the images from the water flash in his mind. Jimin began crying as well while he listened to everything Jin was telling.  

-'' I was lost after Tae's death. I can't really remember the time before I met V.  I lived,  ate, slept, walked, do whatever they asked of me but nothing made any sense. I didn't care for anything. I just missed him so much. I had no idea how much he meant to me until he was gone. He was a little brother to me, so precious. I didn't want to see anyone, so I had to get away. Luckily, I met V and he slapped some sense into me.''

He was trying to find a way to explain three years gap that he had no memory of, so he lied. And with each new lie, he became better and better at it. He told Jimin that his memory is foggy from the period before he bumped into V, his old acquaintance from home who suggested that he should go to Japan with him. Jin accepted.

-'' What about your parents?'' - Jimin asked.

-'' Umm, we lost contact.'' - If Jimin's shocked expression is anything to go by, Jin knew he had to elaborate on that. - '' I told you my memory is a bit foggy from that period, but I knew I was a brat and left home.''

-'' But they are probably worried sick about you.'' - Jimin insisted. - '' Did you let them know you are well?''

-'' Yeah, I did.'' - He lies. - '' I'm just not ready to talk to them yet.'' 

Jimin sighed. - '' Well, once you are ready, tell me and I will be there with you when you call them. Okay?'' - He says, patting Jin's hand.

-'' Okay, I promise.'' - Jin said, and he actually means it. He won't mind having support if the day ever comes for him to find out the truth and meet them again.

When the dangerous parts were over, Jin started talking about V. He told Jimin how he feels about him. How V keeps teasing and confusing him all the time, arousing him even more.

-'' Just the sound of his voice could make me shiver, and his scent, and the stare...''' - Jin shook his head. - '' It plays tricks with my mind sometimes.''

-'' He is so alluring, you see.'' - Jin spoke after a moment it took to clear his mind. - '' He is always walking with such confidence and elegance. Always dressed like a million bucks, or like he is about to walk the runway. Very handsome, and sexy as hell.''

-'' Women go crazy for him. He just cast a glance at them and they are already horny, he winks at them and they are ready to take their panties off on the spot. I bet if he were to smile at them I think their ovaries would explode, it's crazy!''

Jimin laughed at that. -'' Hyung, you make him sound so unreal.''

-'' He does seem that way sometimes.''  – Jin agrees. - ''He knows what effect he has on others, but he doesn't care. Male or female, it doesn't matter, all fall under his charm and he could be very charismatic when he chose to be. But after he gets what he wants, he grows tired so quickly and just discards them like old objects.'' - Jin shakes his head in disapproval of V's outrageous behaviour. 

-'' He doesn't seem like a nice person at all.''  – Jimin scowls a bit, not liking this V guy.

-'' You're right, he's not.'' - Jin agrees. - ''He is smart and charming, but also cold and cruel sometimes.''

-'' But why are you friends with him then?'' 

Jin sighed tiredly. -'' He has his moments.'' - He says, remembering a number of times when V had taken care of him, even roughly, but still, caring. - '' He could be caring and observant if he wants. I think it's about people.'' - Jin reveals. -'' If they are weak, they became prey, but if they are strong, he respects them. It's the same with sex. If the women are gorgeous, they became prey. He will play the hunting game, seducing them too quickly for his taste. He became bored as soon as he won. I think he secretly wishes to fail sometimes, only to spice up his life a bit.''

Jimin clicked his tongue. -'' What a strange man.'' – He mused in thought. Then, suddenly, his face lits. - ''Do you have a picture of him?''

The excitement disappears as soon as it came when Jin shook his head. -'' No, he doesn't like to be photographed. It's too bad since he is camera perfect. Yoongi would die to have him as his model.''

Jimin scowled at the thought. He didn't want V anywhere near Yoongi. V sounded so proud and cold. Yoongi deserved better. He had no idea why was he so defensive of Yoongi.

-'' Well, after everything you told me about the man, it seemed that you are in love, Hyung.''

-'' I don't think that's love Jimin-ah.'' - Jin disagrees, but not unkindly. - '' I think it's pure lust. I want him, physically. My body reacts to him, my mind is confused, but my heart rejects him. I do not love him. Damn, I even think I hate him a little. I crave him. I don't know how to explain it properly.''

-'' Why do you stay with him then?'' – Jimin wondered.

-'' Because he is all that I have left.''

- '' That's not true Hyung, you have your parents. You have me as well, Yoongi Hyung too. You don't need to put up with mistreatment. You are not alone.''

Jin smiled at that. Jimin was so genuine, so protective of his friends. He saw it with Yoongi, and now he felt it himself. It was pure luck having Jimin as your friend and Jin was very happy to have him. Which brought him back to the slight problem from before.

-'' Jiminie? About what I said about maybe like you.''

Jimin shifted a little, face still casual. -'' Yes Hyung.''

-'' Now that you know about V, and all... what I'm trying to say is... I think, well, hoped...'' - Jin was stumbling with his words, that Jimin had to take his hand again to calm him down.

-'' Slow down, Hyung. Tell me.''

-'' What I mean is, I'm confused whether or not is just V I like or the men in general. I figure, you are so handsome and cool, if I were to pick someone to like, it should be you, you know.''

-'' Okay, I'm flattered. Not understanding how can I help, but okay.'' - Jimin confessed.

-'' Can I kiss you, please?'' - Jin asked and Jimin's brows arched high in surprise. 

He was afraid of that. He never kissed a man before, never had the desire to. Not even Yoongi, his closest friend. The sudden image of Yoongi's lips quickly came to his mind, but he brushed them off. 

-'' I just want to make sure that I feel nothing more than a pure adoration for my dongsaeng.'' - Jin says to make things clear.

It was Jin's hopeful and confused face that made Jimin cave into it. He felt a huge desire to protect Jin. He liked him very much, but as a brother, rather than anything else, so he hoped that Jin's feelings towards him were just a slight confusion. Would it be so bad to kiss him for a moment, to help him settle the confusion in his head? Jimin thought. It would help him to figure out the truth. 

Quite satisfied with that conclusion, Jimin sightly nodded.

-'' Are you sure?'' - Jin asked. - '' I don't want to make you uncomfortable.''

Jimin nodded and smiled lightly. -'' You could never make me uncomfortable, Hyung. Go for it.''

He closed his eyes when Jin leaned in and placed his mouth on his.

The kiss was surprisingly sweet. Jin's plump lips were soft to the touch and Jimin didn't feel revulsion as he thought he would, but rather pleasantness. After a few seconds, Jin drew back and had the most adorable look adorned his face. It made Jimin giggle.

-'' And?'' – He prompted curiously.

Jin's brows were furrowed in contemplation before he took a huge calming breath. -'' Well...'' – He begin. - ''It was sweet, I give you that, but...''- He stopped, scratching his head, trying to find the suitable words. - ''It felt a bit weird, to be honest.''

Jimin was amused. -'' How so?''

-'' Well... it was like...I was like kissing my younger brother, you know. Familiar, but somewhat wrong, if you know what I mean.''

Jimin let go of a breath of relief he was holding. He felt so much lighter all of a sudden.

-'' I don't have a brother and I don't know why would you kiss him on the mouth.'' - Jimin teased. - '' But in a weirdly logical way, I understand what you mean.''

-'' You do? Oh good.'' - Jin huffed a breath of relief as well. - '' Good. And here I thought it was going to be awkward from now on.''

-'' Nah, Hyung, you are too cool.'' - Jimin laughed. - '' But let's not mention this to anyone.''

-'' Agreed.'' 

They looked at one another and then burst out laughing. It was such a relief that both of them just allowed their nerves to melt in a peal of good old humour. 



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