Author: paranormalfanfics

Reviewer: BookLoverVenue

Title- 8/10

The title is very straight and arouses a feel of impending danger or mystery in your story. I liked it how to swayed from the usual cliches in a vampire or romance story. However, I did find it a bit vague and unrelated to the story. Don't get me wrong, it is a nice title but there should be anything in the story that makes it unique to that story only. Because if I name another vampire story 'Inexplicable', it'll be the same. So try to personalize your story title.

Cover-5/10

I'm gonna be honest, I did not like the cover at all. Your story gives a very romance with tension effect. The chapters, the way it is written is absolutely leaning towards a paranormal romance. Even the title, that is. In contrast to that, the cover fall impeccably unmatching. The bright colours and orange hues are just not matching the tone or flavour of your story. Because I don't know if I am stereotyping but I've never seen a vampire like that wearing orange eyeshadows and yellow highlights; looking more like a fairy.

Blurb-7/10

The blurb would have been perfect. It's just the perfect mixture of everything if you have not added a vampire theme in the story. You need to make sure to attract the correct audience. Maybe a person doesn't like vampire stuff and starts reading your book thinking, there is none. Or maybe a paranormal fan stumbled into your book and skims forward? Because the blurb is what attracts Reader's and it's the sole thing a person reads to understand the elements of the book. Your main conflict of the story start in the first chapter directly related to a vampire who can't control her powers. So yes, mention vampires somewhere in the blurb. (Also, I wouldn't have told you to do so if not that Cristiana's power that were shown was different and forms quite important sequence.)

Also, the other of the blurb is for you to actually mention something which is different to normal stereotypes. You mention that she finds true love but is it enough to draw in readers? You need to include the inner conflict of the characters and perhaps their insecurities as well. Which, in case of your story, I suppose is Emma leaving her behind.

Sensory details-4/10

I found no sensory details at all. You described the people and the events but you forgot to mention what the protagonist REALLY FEEL about it.  If you don't make the events matter to the protagonist, it doesn't matter to the audience as well. You need to make it plausible and play in your favour. For example, her best friend did not visit her after she lost control of her powers. You said stuff like Cristiana did not believe Emma's parents and so on. But you didn't explain how she FELT about it. Was she sad? Was she angery at Emma? At her parents? Did she remembers the board games they played together?

So now the tip I give to everyone. Explain your five senses. Vision, Sound, Taste, Feel and Smell. Though, try to use all five, it's not possible to use it everywhere. No, it's not. For that, I have a little tip. Since you might know that when you are watching a movie, you get really deep into the movie and sometimes even think you are the main character(s). Tell me what do you do when you watch a movie? You see and hear. Voila! No taste, smell or touch but you still get yourself in that pretence. Use that. You manta for sensory detailing should be that you should use the five senses when prolonging a scene. And you should just use the two when you are trying to make it short but still visionary.

Setting- 5/10

None as well. It was really a dissapointment that you described their playing in the forest as 'Go outside and play' when you could have so easily done a number on the setting with beautiful views and green vibrant hues and reflect the personality of the protagonist by simply describing it in her own unique way. Or even at the personality of Emma by indicating her least and most favoritethings in the surrounding.

For example the place where more explaination could be made was her school building. The school building had flower decoration is the only description we got. What about the number of buildings or even the number of storage in a building? Other places like the locker, bus, her new apartment near her school could have been explained in great detail. The fact that you rendered the whole shifting process in three sentences was a dissapointment.

Character Development- 6/10

I have no idea who Christiana is. She is strong; that part is established in the second chapter but what about her personality and traits. And specifically I did not like the line, 'She can pick on other hybrids and we'd sit back and enjoy the show.' Really? I wouldn't consider her a role model or even a nice person. The thing is not about WHY YOU WROTE THIS SENTANCE. I mean I have seen my friends say that too. But you have to know WHERE you say it. The first thing we actually come to know about Cristiana's personality is that she is 'she doesn't care about anybody.' But why? Don't you think that would score a negetive point for her to the audience?

You can simply change this by adding how sensative and caring she is by explaing how much she missed her friend, Emma. Which later makes her insecure of the friendship Emma is giving later on and thus is not able to trust her in chap 5. You have to be able to connect the dots and make the flow consistent. I pointed this out because I saw some people complaining about this turn of events in the comments

I understand that you want to make her look really very strong. But making her indifferent, cold and out-spoken in not how you do it. Exposing her vulnerablity and still standing tall is how you make her a strong character. Therefore, it doesn't matter if she can perform telekinesis (All hail Wanda!) but her inner conflict. Remember, we readers don't relate to a vampire (Because we haven't seen one or is one) but what we do relate to is the INNER CONFLICT! That's what matters in a story.

Plot-13/15

I liked how you started the story with the protagonist's internal conflict which is always a great start and hook. And then of course the story flows and as she learns to love (In your story) she will let go of the misbelief. Great! Perfect plot points! However, what you lacked is in EXPLAINING the inner conflict. You didn't make us feel it but merely said that. Many points of the story, I noticed had been devoid of proper explanation. Mostly setting and other things like the character's physical description. I like your plot but I don't like how you described it. Just work on your sensory detailing and settings.

Grammar-10/10

It was all corrected. You edited it quite properly.

Overall Impression - 9/15

Your story was really interesting just because it was a new world and where you were bold enough to add hybrids and other species (with humans not running away). Cool! Good work there.

The advice I want to give is that you should add more dialogues in your story to make it dynamic. How? The peices of information you wrote in a description form, try to put it in dialogue form. And instead of the protagonist telling it to the readers, make one of the side characters tell it to the protagonist. Sounds good? Easy peasy!

So, I guess that's all!! Hope you learnt something new today and found ways to improve your writing!! Good luck in your journey.

Total marks achieved: 67