22.09.2019

I couldn't bear to see Madhu's guilt-stricken face as the gynaecologist warned about the other consequences of unprotected sex. She went by the name of Leena, a kind and non-judgemental gynaecologist. But it was her duty to speak about STDs that are commonly spread through unprotected sex with strangers. Madhu dropped her chin to her chest and occasionally looked at the doctor, while I just held her hand to comfort her.

'Okay, what has happened has happened, Madhu Shree. Now, let's see what to do next. We have to do some initial scans. Since you are just six weeks pregnant, we can abort the fetus through an abortion pill. Actually, we can do this abortion only on the grounds of a contraceptive failure. I am not taking into account the thing about unprotected sex. Let's just forget about it,' Leena spoke, as she wrote on her notepad for the scan.

'Thank you so much, doctor. Though I read all about abortion rights for unmarried women in India, I couldn't wrap my head around the information. Thank you for being so supportive,' I thanked her.

'It's okay, Chandni. I am just doing my job. Being supportive and non-judgemental of helpless women like Madhu are included in my work,' her voice was rather sweet while she said it.

I smiled at her and nudged Madhu to get up. As we were about to leave, Leena spoke again, 'Take care, Madhu. And please don't have unprotected sex again. Even if you have a boyfriend, ask him to wear a condom always. If he doesn't want to or if he asks you to take the pill, then he isn't the one for you.'

Madhu flashed a wide smile and replied, 'Thank you, doctor. I'll take your advice.'

Once outside Leena's earshot, I asked Madhu, 'Didn't that guy who is responsible for this check up on you? I mean, he knows that he didn't use a condom. So, he should have called you up and asked you whether you had taken the morning-after pill, right?'

'Akka, why should men care about these things? He got what he wanted; those few minutes of pleasure. Why would he check up on the chick who willingly parted her legs for him and asked him to do it raw? To him, I was just a one-night stand. It's me who has to go through this ordeal because of my stupidity,' Madhu shrugged her shoulders.

'Whatever, Madhu, if he was a responsible man, he should have checked up on you. You should sever ties with him if he is your friend.'

'He was just an acquaintance, Akka. Since we felt physically attracted to each other during that party, we made out and took it forward.'

'How casual all these sounds! I can't even imagine having a one-night stand with a total stranger.'

'You have to break out of your comfort bubble and try all these amazing things, Akka.'

'What? Like getting pregnant?'

'Hey, I meant the parties, the hookups, and all such,' Madhu sounded hurt.

'Sorry, that came out as a bad joke. Well, you learnt a lesson. Even if I get out of my comfort zone, I'll be careful. Also, I am not a party animal. I'm made for the finer things in life.'

'Oh ho! What a bore!' Madhu mocked me. Just then, someone called out her name for the scan. She entered the scanning room, while I waited in the lobby, fidgeting my fingers. Ten minutes passed by. I couldn't wait any longer. I lingered outside the scanning room when my eyes fell on a side exit that led to the outside of the hospital. I walked towards it, wanting to get some fresh air. To my surprise, I noticed Rohith standing on the balcony of his house. I had totally forgotten that he stayed next to Hope Maternity Hospital.

'Rohith!' I called out. He turned around and waved to me. I didn't even remember what he looked like the last time I saw him. It must have been fourteen years ago. But now he looked hefty, his face a chestnut brown with a huge nose and lips.

'How are you?' I asked him.

'I am fine. How are you?' His voice was feeble.

'I am good.'

'What are you doing here?'

'Just a general checkup for me and my sister with our gynaecologist.'

'Okay, okay.'

I didn't know what to say next. If I had been a bit closer to him, I could have talked for some more time. But I couldn't keep yelling from the hospital compound. I also felt a bit guilty for not keeping a tab on his mental health.

'Okay, bye, see you later,' I waved.

'Bye,' he said and went back inside his house.

When I turned around, I found Madhu coming out of the scanning room. As soon as she saw me, she turned her face away. There was something written on her face; something I had never seen before. It bordered on the lines of remorse.

'What happened, Madhu?' I asked her, gently holding her shoulder.

'I heard...the heartbeats of the baby.'

'Oh!' That was all I could say. For someone who hasn't experienced such a deep thing, I didn't know about that feeling. I couldn't empathize with her but all I knew was I had to be there for her.

'I am aborting a life, Akka. I am feeling guilt-ridden,' her voice choked.

'It's okay, Madhu. It was an accidental pregnancy. I know it's difficult to go through this phase, but you will come out of this stronger.'

She just nodded her head as words failed her.

After a few minutes of silence, she asked me, 'Now what?'

'Now we wait for the scan reports. We have to take them back to Dr Leena. She will go through them and prescribe the abortion pill which we have to buy from the pharmacy.'

'The abortion will be painful, right?'

'Yes, it will be. You need not go to college or stay at home. I'll arrange for you to stay at Nithya's home for a couple of days. Inform our parents that you are going on a field trip somewhere in Pongimalai Hills. Okay?'

'Okay, I'll tell them.'

'If you tell them you are going somewhere in Jwalamukh Hills, they will somehow come to know that you didn't go on any field trip. They might even suspect you to have stayed with your boyfriend, though they'd never confirm the fact whether you have a boyfriend or not.'

'Yes, true that. How well we know our parents, Akka!' she chuckled.

I flashed her a sad smile. We had always lived under our parents' shadows though we went so ahead of them in our thinking long back. They still thought that we were under their whims and jurisdiction.

*

06.10.2019

Four months since Faneel arrived in my life, one month since my ultimatum. Nothing had changed. Unsurprisingly, my feelings of crush were dangerously heading towards something more. I had to keep reminding myself that I was already engaged to be married. Why did that not sink in? Why was I meandering towards something that was enough to destroy my life? I didn't have any answers. I had only my growing feelings and lots of questions.

Since I was cooking Paneer Dum Biryani by watching a YouTube video, I didn't notice the time slipping away. When I was finally dressed, I was already late to work. So, I had no other choice but to board the train that started from Urivaloor. When it reached Lakshyam, my eyes wandered to the door to see if Faneel was getting in. Yes, there he was. And today he was boarding my compartment, coincidentally. As luck could have it, his eyes fell on me and he spiralled into the most beautiful smile ever. That was enough to make any of my dreary mornings. I greeted him from my seat and he greeted me back. But that was it. He occupied another empty seat and I went back to reading Crooked House.

When we alighted, we walked to our office together. Albeit the silence between us, I felt strangely comfortable with him beside me. By then, I had classified that silence as a 'comfortable silence'. Those walks were like warm hugs on those cold mornings. I always had a spring in my step whenever I walked along with him. He wouldn't have noticed it, as usual. But it turned into my signature style.

That night, I was sitting on the terrace listening to A Lady and The Violin from Kumki. The lyrics of the song reflected my feelings perfectly. And...I realised something that I should have realised long back. Yes, as anyone would expect at this point, it was the thing my heart, soul, body, and mind were expecting me to acknowledge it. And I couldn't believe that it took only a song to make me discern it.

I had fallen headlong in love with Faneel when these exact lines resonated through the headphones – 'Oru kaeni pola aasai oorudhey...Marudhaani pola dhegam maarudhey...Pakkathil vandhadhu paasam...Ini vetkangal enbadhu vesham...Uyire urave unadhe...' which translates to – 'Desire is seeping like a trench...My body is turning like the colour of henna...Love has come near me...Hereafter shyness is just a façade...My life and all my bonds are yours...'

My eyes were drenched. Until then, I was elated that it was just a harmless crush and it'd pass by. But love was something huge. Love was a catalyst that could either bring me unwavering joy or ultimate ruination. This was all because I was already engaged. I shouldn't have fallen in love with Faneel. But, can we really stop ourselves or our hearts from plunging into love? The heart wants what it wants. As simple as that. Now it was up to me to handle this correctly without breaking any hearts, except mine.

Later, I had a dream in which Faneel was holding my hand and walking by the seaside. The salty breeze caressed my tresses tenderly. Some of the waves met our feet. Suddenly I stopped him and showed him some glowworms that were swimming on the shore. He asked me to pick them up. I scooped some of them. I almost squealed when they wiggled inside my cupped palms.

'Put them back, baby,' sang Faneel softly.

Instead of putting them back gently, I threw them into the midnight air. Immediately, the glowworms metamorphosized into tiny blue pixies and surrounded us.

'Look, Faneel! They are pixies!' I screamed in delight.

But Faneel was nowhere to be seen. I turned and looked around everywhere but the beach looked like an abandoned seashore. As tears began to roll down my cheeks, the flying pixies slowly neared my face. I stared at their faces. Instead of having beautiful faces, they looked like miniature zombies. A loud shriek emanated from my mouth.

'Akka! Akka! Wake up. Yo, wake up!' Madhu was shaking my shoulders. I let out a gasp, flailed my bedcovers, and jerked awake. When I touched my face, I was sweating like hell.

'What just happened, Akka? You screamed in your dream. Was it a nightmare?'

I took a few moments to regain my composure before replying, 'Yeah, kind of. It started like a pleasant dream but it ended badly. Did I call out anyone's name?'

'No, you just yelled. That's it.'

'Okay.'

Saying so, I gulped some water from the flask on our bedside table and mopped my face with a towel.

'Hey, Akka, you want to talk about it?'

'No, I don't want to. But, Madhu, I was by the seaside. I can still feel the waves lashing onto my feet. The last time I went to the beach was when we went on a trip to Chennai. Why should the dream be set on a beach instead of our hill town?'

'Fuck, I don't know. It's weird.'

'Hmmm, okay, you go back to sleep.'

'What's happening in your life, Akka? I went through a painful abortion but I am not having any nightmares. What is making you have them?'

'I don't know, silly. If I know, I'll be able to keep my calm. Go, go back to sleep.'

All I wanted was to drift back to sleep without the heavy realisation of Faneel's abandonment on the beach. Just when I had ascertained that I was in love with him, this nightmare happened.

How am I going to handle this unrequited madness?

*

'Wow! You got your violin?!' Malarkodi shrieked in joy. Though she was tough to handle most days, she still had that jubilant aura whenever it suited her.

'Yes, of course! I just thought I could play you guys something whenever there are no customers and after work hours,' I replied, copying her enthusiasm. 'Also, Faneel Sir was telling me that he wants to listen to me play in person. That's why I got it,' I added.

'Yeah, he was telling the other day, right? Okay, let's settle down and log in.'

Faneel came out of his cabin, as usual fiddling with his mobile phone. As an officer, he had to be available on WhatsApp during his work hours. The senior officials at the head office would send him targets for the day and also send other reminders of the various policies. Even though his eyes were glued to his phone, somehow they caught a glimpse of my violin, as I had placed it on my desk, visible to the public eye.

'Wow! So, today's gonna be a musical day. Chandni madam will entertain us with her compositions as well as she'd play covers of our favourite songs,' he imitated a compere.

'Happy la, sir? If you are happy, then I'm also happy,' I didn't worry about being corny. Maybe I overdid my response, but I couldn't care less.

'Okay, let's jam when there are no customers,' he replied and went along with Malarkodi to take her cash box from the safe.

Later in the evening, I took my violin out of my bag at Faneel's insistence. He told me that he couldn't bear to look at it all day and not get to listen to it.

'You have no idea how much I love violin music,' he stated, as I was tuning my instrument.

What's the use of loving violin music and not getting to be with the one who plays it? I thought, but then it was wrong. He wasn't even crushing on me. I shouldn't be thinking such extreme thoughts.

'Okay, what shall I play?' I asked him.

'Any piece from your EP?'

'Hmmm, I'll play Rhyme from it. It's one of my favourites.'

With those words, I started playing it. It was a sweeping instrumental piece, perfect to calm stressed minds on a tranquil night. Though I played without the accompanying rhythm or other instruments, it was kinda good to listen to it raw. Once I finished it, the trio – Faneel, Malarkodi, and Ravi Anna – erupted into cheers and claps. I beamed at all of them. Then I did something that I'd never regret in my life because it gave me the boost to do something bigger in my musical life.

'Faneel sir, I'd love to play one of my compositions from an album I am working on. Would you love to listen to it?'

'Of course! More violin, better for my senses,' he trilled.

Then I began playing Sweet Mad Crazy. Even without the upbeat ¾ rhythm, the guitar interlude or the konnakol, the piece sounded heavenly to my ears. Never before had I this satisfaction with a piece composed by me. I always found flaws with them even after they were released. But this was the first time I was content with a piece composed by me. After it ended, Faneel didn't react immediately. He looked astounded or maybe it must have been my over-imaginative mind at play.

Malarkodi clapped and praised me, 'That was superb, Chandni. Wish you the best of luck!'

'Excellent, ma. God bless you.' That was Ravi Anna.

I looked at Faneel expectantly. I composed that piece for him. So, whatever he said about it was important.

'I looooovvvveeeed it. I don't know why but it was like that piece spoke to me. I felt an emotional release when I listened to it. Each mellifluous stroke of yours felt like someone was applying a balm to my stressed mind. Thank you for playing it for us, Chandni.'

I would have burst into happy tears if it wasn't for the office.

'Th...thank you, Faneel sir. I didn't expect that it'd have such a huge impact on you.'

'Keep playing, keep enchanting us,' he gently tapped on the back of my palm as a token of appreciation. Instantly, I froze. It was like a butterfly's caress. At once I knew I'd take this moment with me to my graveyard.

After that, I played some interludes from popular Tamil songs that Malarkodi requested – Unakul Naane, Mazhai Mazhai, Kannamoochi Yenada, and Oru Naalil.

Faneel shouted from his cabin, 'Marvellous, Chandni madam! You are bloody good at this.'

'Thank you, sir,' I shouted back.

It was one of the best days of my life, that kind of day that started, progressed, and ended well.

*

25.10.2019

It was the day before Diwali. Faneel received instructions from the head office to distribute sweets and savouries to high net-worth clients. So, he was asking me about good sweet shops in the locality.

'And what can we buy? An assortment of sweets and a packet of the mixture?'

'Yeah, that'd do, sir. We can buy from KNC Sweets & Snacks. They are the best in Jwalamukh Hills. And they are in Mangalkulam only.'

'I see. Okay, Malar madam, can you man the office alone for some time?'

'Why? What happened?' asked Malarkodi.

'I am thinking of taking Chandni madam along with me to buy the sweets and savouries.'

I looked up so quickly that I might have cricked my neck.

'Sir, me? But why?'

'Because I want to. But it's your wish. If you'd like to accompany me, well and good. If not, you can stay back. No issues. I thought I would have your valuable opinions while buying the sweets. Then we could go around to the clients' houses and distribute them.' There was a twinkle in his eyes, but enormous enough to light up the room. I didn't know what was causing it.

Idiotic Chandni! Faneel wants to take you out along with him. Instead of jumping up in excitement, you are questioning him.

'I'll come with you, sir,' I told him.

He flashed a quick smile at me before replying, 'Okay, it's walkable, right? The sweet shop?'

'Yes, it is.'

While we were leaving, Malarkodi yelled from her place, 'Guys, please come back soon! I can't manage for more than an hour.'

Wow! I am going to spend one hour with Faneel, going around Mangalkulam. This is a dream come true moment. God, I am so happy.

Though we didn't speak much while walking to the sweet shop, I jigged beside him in such joy, like a child who had tasted a new candy. I could almost imagine him putting his arms around me and walking in that way. Sometimes, I imagined us holding hands as we did in my dream. Apart from the introductory handshake, I had shaken hands with him twice in the past four months. And every time, I wished I could never rub off that feeling from my palm because I always felt electrified whenever I touched him. I stole secret glances at him as we walked but he was too busy minding the puddles to notice my glances.

Once inside the shop, the shopkeeper asked us whether we wanted an assortment of milk sweets or cashew-based sweets. We opted for the latter. Then the shopkeeper picked some of my favourites – Kaju Katli, Pista Roll, and Badam Katli.

Once the box was filled, we ordered four more boxes of the same assortment because we had to give them to five clients. We also ordered five packets of a mixture as the savouries. Then, Faneel paid for them all by swiping his debit card.

'Why do we have to pay for this? The insurance company should bear the charges, right?' I asked him.

'Yes, ma. I will claim the bill. We have a separate account from which we could debit for this purpose.'

'Okay.'

Carrying the bags of goodies, we walked through the many streets of Mangalkulam to reach the first client's house. Though the client wanted us to stay and have tea at his home, we excused ourselves by telling him that we weren't supposed to spend time outside during office hours. We repeated the same excuse to the next two clients too. While on our way to the fourth client's house, Faneel spoke up, 'Chandni madam, I am beginning to love this place more and more.'

'Mangalkulam or Lakshyam?' I asked him.

'The entire range of Jwalamukh Hills. Though it cannot match up to life in Sanjauli, it still feels like home here.'

'Hmmm, Jwalamukh Hills has always extended its arms to people from different towns. According to me, I consider this hill range as heaven on Earth.'

'You should visit Sanjauli someday.'

'Sure, why not? When you are going the next time, take me along with you, sir,' I replied stolidly, trying to suppress a laugh.

'Hey you, kidding, right?' he chortled.

I laughed out loud.

'But, why not take me?' I teased him.

'If you are serious about it, then I am ready to take you,' he replied, undeterred by my teasing.

Butterflies broke into a salsa inside my stomach when he said that. He mentioned it casually, but it held a lot of meaning for me. At that moment, I fell in some more love with him. I flashed him a long glance which he didn't notice as usual. The hills, the cool weather, him, my deep feelings, everything made me so warm.

That's when I noticed Avinash on that street, starting his bike outside his friend's house.