25.08.2019

It was insane. By the end of the day, I was so happily exhausted that I would have gobbled dinner for two. But, I ate just three chapathis with paneer butter masala. As usual, my parents weren't enthusiastic about hearing about my recording. If I had brought home the news of a promotion at work, they'd have celebrated me. But they thought that music was just recreation for me. And it didn't matter that my EP was performing well on all the streaming platforms. They'd be happy only if I received the State award for my composition. Till then, my talent was not a matter of importance to them.

Madhu was jubilant about my new composition. She wanted to know all about it. She almost pestered me once we settled in our room.

'Madhu, I am tired. I'll speak to you tomorrow,' I whined.

'No! I want you to tell me everything. How was the recording?'

Though I was bone-tired, her inquisitiveness got to me. So, I sprang up and sat in a comfortable position to narrate to her about the recording.

'It was mind-blowing! I didn't imagine it would turn out this well. It took us almost a day to complete just one piece, but it was all worth it. My violin section was interspersed with Harshiv's electric guitar, some male humming and konnakol, and the ¾ rhythm. I loved it so, so, so much, Madhu.'

'Wow! When can I listen to it?'

'Pulkit will give me the rough recording tomorrow. I'll send it to you.'

'Akka, I am so happy for you. Keep excelling in this. One day you will surely achieve what you want to. By the way, what have you titled this piece?'

I hugged myself when she asked me that question because I felt so warm just thinking about the title.

'It's called Sweet Mad Crazy.'

'That's so intriguing! I am satisfied now, Akka. I'll go to sleep peacefully.'

'Me too.'

Then we changed into our pyjamas, turned off the lights, snuggled into our bedsheets, and laid down. Within a minute, Madhu was fast asleep. But I was just revelling in the sweetness of my corny feelings for Faneel Basnet.

*

30.08.2019

I posted a one-minute video of the piece Mirror Images from Commoners on my Instagram account and reshared it to my Facebook account too. Then I uploaded the video on my YouTube channel and tweeted the link on my Twitter account. I did all this while waiting for Nithya in Caffeine Surge. The last I met her was just before the release of my EP. I had gotten so busy after that with promotions and the new composition that I didn't even keep a tab on what she was up to. Though I had checked on her mental health, I couldn't have a proper face-to-face conversation.

There she was, looking chic and snazzy in a beige crop top and ice-blue denim. Some of her curls were auburn-coloured and her lipstick matched that shade. She adjusted her glasses while taking her seat opposite me.

'Sorry, Chan! I got carried away with a new cake recipe,' she snickered.

'It's okay, Nithi. I made use of that waiting time,' I winked at her.

'Oh-so productive Chandni!' she mocked and giggled. All of a sudden, I felt glad to look at her happy face. She was genuinely happy, not faking it for the sake of a pleasant evening.

'By the way, you look elegant.'

'Thank you, Chan. I am really getting out of that bloody phase. Home baking is doing me a lot of unimaginable good. I am also meeting new people as my close circle keeps spreading the word about my cakes.'

'That marble cake was a banger, okay? The one that you gave in early July, remember?'

'Yes, I do remember. It was a huge hit. And, hey, I should tell you something. I met your boss, Faneel Basnet, sometime in July at Moksha Supermarket in Lakshyam. He and I were picking some broccoli, we got into a casual conversation about the benefits of the vegetable and how to look for fresh ones. One thing led to another and soon we were talking about my new recipe for cheesy baked broccoli. We almost became friends by the end of our conversation. I should say, he is such a nice person, Chan.'

A dreamy look climbed over Nithya's face. If she had noticed the expression on my face, she would have bolted out of the café. But it took her a few moments to catch me staring at her.

'What? What happened? You didn't reply anything to my speech?' she nudged my wrist.

'Sorry, I just got carried away. That's great! I am so happy you both met accidentally. I had planned to introduce him to you someday. As you said, he is a nice person. Very humble and kind to whoever he meets.'

'Actually, I have never met a Nepali in my life before. That was the first time.'

'I have met a few while attending violin concerts during my college days. But I haven't befriended any of them.'

Nithya just nodded while a server came to take our orders. We had already decided that we weren't going to repeat our last order. So, we ordered a Banana Caramel Cappuccino and Blue Cappuccino which derived its name from the pea flower extract used in it. We also ordered some garlic bread to satiate our hunger pangs. As we drank and munched, we spoke about random topics, but something gnawed at the back of my mind. It had something to do with Nithya meeting Faneel. Since I'd never tell anyone about my crush on Faneel, I felt lonely when I couldn't share these matters of my heart even with my best friend. But that was not it. If Nithya and Faneel keep meeting, then they'd surely turn into friends which is not possible in my case due to my professional relationship with Faneel. He'd surely open up to an outsider. I almost choked with emotions at that thought I excused myself and rushed to the restroom.

Once inside, I stood in front of the mirror, admiring my jet-black eyes lined with kohl and the little mole on my chin. Then I spoke to myself, 'What does it matter to me if Nithya and Faneel meet? Am I afraid that they'd fall in love because their prospects are higher? If I don't want that to happen, then I should break off my engagement with Avinash and start approaching Faneel. But, first of all, I should analyse whether my feelings for Faneel are strong. If Nithya and Faneel start dating, it's not in my hands. It's my fate that I'm already engaged to someone else and I'm liking someone else entirely. And why am I falling for him actually?'

My eyes brimmed with tears that were threatening to spill out. Luckily, there was no one else in the restroom. Otherwise, they'd have categorised me as a retard.

Then, a voice deep inside me spoke to me, Maybe you're supposed to love him. Just like that. You don't need a proper reason to have a crush on someone or even fall in love with them. We can never know when we'll fall in love and with whom. Love is not under our control. It's something puppeteered by an energy unknown to us. Sometimes, we'd understand a person completely only after falling for them hard and deep. So, Chandni, relax and just love. A few things are beyond your control.

I collected myself and left the restroom. I settled on my seat again and maintained a straight face so that Nithya wouldn't find out that something was amiss. She was my best friend for more than a decade, so chances were that she'd get the vibes when I was off. We finished even the crumbs of the tasty garlic bread and left the café after splitting the bill.

That night, as I lay on my bed with Madhu snoring beside me, I set an ultimatum to myself. After browsing through N number of articles on topics like "psychological facts about crushes", "ways to know if someone secretly has feelings for you", "signs you have found your soulmate", "how to recognize soulmate", "signs that you are crushing on your boss", "how to get over a crush on your boss", "why do we feel an instant connection with someone", "how to know if an introvert likes you", "not so obvious signs that someone is having a crush on you", and "what to do when you have a crush on your boss", I decided that I should just let this matter rest and not take it to my heart.

That means I should categorise this as a harmless crush and not mull over it for being anything else other than a crush. Since many of the articles stated that if the feelings faded after four months, it was merely an attraction and not love. So, I decided to wait till the second week of September to discern whether it was just a crush or something more.

You see, Chandni, it will just be a crush. The feelings will fade away in September and you will carry on with your life as if Faneel never happened to you.

*

'Restrain, restrain,' I kept repeating to myself whenever Faneel came over to talk to me in September. I never spoke to him about anything else other than work. Usually, we'd chat about our favourite books, diss some problematic customers, and laugh at Malarkodi's anger issues which always led to arguments between her and Faneel. But, I didn't make any small talk with him. It watered down to him asking questions about work and me replying to him sometimes with monosyllabic answers.

I don't know whether he sensed the change within me, but he always kept coming back to my place with the hope of talking about general things. However, I was keeping out of his way successfully. Throughout the day, I'd keep convincing myself that it was just an attraction and it'd fade away within the week after. As if knowing that I had set this ultimatum, Faneel came over to my seat once and asked me, 'Did you have lunch?'

'Huh? Yes, sir, I had lunch,' I deadpanned.

It was as if he was asking me to join him for lunch if I hadn't taken it already.

Why give mixed signals if he is interested in me? He could show it out, unknown to Malarkodi, right? Maybe he could text me on WhatsApp after work hours. What's the harm in letting people know you like them?

Well, then, that would make two of them. I chided myself.

Why don't you do it, Chandni? Why don't you go and tell him that you have a crush on him?

In August, at times I felt I should tell him how I feel about him. But my sense of fidelity to Avinash restricted me from revealing anything to Faneel.

Also, he might have asked me whether I had lunch out of basic courtesy. It's just my over-imaginative mind that's making up all these silly things.

One day, Malarkodi made a clown of herself by asking a nonsensical question to Faneel. He was a bit embarrassed. He thought I'd come to his rescue but I just continued doing my work as if I had heard nothing. Then they conversed about something which I didn't really concentrate on. Faneel finally ended it with a witty reply which I missed noticing. But then something happened. While he walked past me, he looked at me stealthily as if wanting to catch my eye. I looked at him at the right moment. And that's when for the first time I noticed him blushing. His golden skin turned all crimson when he realised that he was caught.

For the rest of the day, I couldn't concentrate on my work. All I did was replay that one moment of Faneel's look over and over. I wanted to go back to that moment, look into his eyes again, and behold whatever it was that he felt for me.

Even after a week, I tried implementing my restraint policy, but something else happened that threw me off guard. Malarkodi and Ravi Anna were teasing Faneel about finding a prospective bride for him to marry. I was just listening to them but not contributing anything to their conversation.

'So, you'd get married to a Nepali woman, right?' Malarkodi asked him.

'Huh, it depends, Malar madam. I'll marry only for love. I have to first fall in love with the person I am going to marry.'

I looked up at him just at that moment. As if by coincidence, he looked at me too. Immediately, I looked away. I didn't want to give myself away.

'Oh, wow! Then, Ravi Anna, let's find a Tamil woman for him. I am sure he'd fall in love with one of them,' Malarkodi bickered.

'Yes, yes, tomorrow I'll bring some photos of prospective women in Jwalamukh Hills. Let him decide which one he wants to marry. Okay na, sir?' Ravi Anna piped in.

Faneel just smiled and nodded his head. Then, once again, he looked at me. But this time, his gaze lingered on me. I locked my eyes with him. It was as if we had some secret communication between us. Only we didn't know what it was that we wanted to communicate. I just smiled goofily and turned away.

'Okay, he seems to assent. Let's go on a girl hunt,' Malarkodi announced, chortling at the same time.

Ravi Anna and Faneel joined her in the laughter. I smiled and glanced at him. Yet again, he looked at me, rather mysteriously. My insides tingled with an excessively sweet feeling I couldn't name.

Chandni, maybe he wants you to be the Tamil girl he wants to marry, my heart spoke to me.

Or, maybe he wants to marry a Tamil girl like me since I am not available, my mind retorted.

Maybe it was just my hallucination or maybe it'd have been for real, but I could observe a spoony smile on Faneel's face throughout that day.

*

21.09.2019

The EK Marriage Hall was bustling with people who were visiting the Samarpan Supreme Fair which was a fair for creating awareness about all the insurance policies that were available in our company. Faneel and I were volunteering at it. Actually, I didn't want to volunteer in the first place. But all the branch managers had to participate in it along with one clerical staff. Our HR manager deduced that Malarkodi would not be a fit participant for the fair. So, he asked me to go along with Faneel. Though I tried to dissuade him, he wouldn't get coaxed. Plus, he informed me that Faneel wanted me to accompany him, not Malarkodi.

And so, there I was, standing beside him in the stall that we had put up for promoting a new vehicle insurance policy. As we were arranging the flyers and other papers, our fingers brushed a lot of times. And each time, I could feel industrial power charging throughout me. At times, I imagined how it would feel to have those fingers caressing every inch of my body. Just thinking about it shot up some kind of electrical pulse between my legs.

'Hey, you wanna grab some coffee?' he asked me.

'Uh, I think they'll be bringing us coffee in a few minutes,' I replied, feeling like a fool already.

He then moved closer to me, his left shoulder almost brushing my right one. Though we were wearing sweaters, I felt unbearably cold that gooseflesh appeared on my arms, neck, torso, and thighs. He brought his lips close to my right ear and whispered gently, 'That coffee will taste like donkey's piss.'

I snorted, despite feeling like an atomic bomb about to explode with so much passion that I'd devour him right at that moment. He too laughed wholeheartedly, along with me. Though I knew that my indifference of the past few days was a concern for him, I wanted to savour every moment I spent with him. Mustering up all the courage in the world, I playfully patted him on his shoulder and said, 'Let's go out and get some coffee then.'

Ten minutes later, Faneel and I were cosying up to each other in the corner of the best coffee shop in Urivaloor. But our cosying up just extended to sipping our coffee slowly, laughing at some jokes, and chatting up like old friends. Now and then, he gazed at me like he'd swallow me up. Or I might have been imagining too much. But meeting his eyes was the sunshine I needed in my life.

While we were at it, he asked me, 'Have you ever watched the stars at night?'

'Yeah, sometimes from the terrace. What about you, sir?' I questioned him back.

'I live to stargaze. Whenever I go into my globetrotter mode, I make sure I set up camp somewhere, then lie down on the grass outside, and gaze at the stars for a while at least.'

'That must be so peaceful, right? The sight of the stars, the silence of the night, and the music in our hearts only which we could hear.'

'Yes, of course. And you speak about everything so poetically. Just like the other day when we had the audit in the office.'

'I love being poetic. What's life if we cannot get to beautify it or at least observe the beauty in what nature has to offer?'

'So true, Chandni. And I love talking to you like this. You don't make me feel standoffish. I can be myself with you.'

'Oh, thank you very much, sir! I didn't know that I had this impact on you. And back at you. I feel at ease whenever I talk to you, though I know we cannot be close friends, given our professional boundaries...' I trailed off.

'Yeah, I sometimes wonder what we would have been if we hadn't met in this goddamn...'

His phone chimed at that moment, breaking the loveliness, breaking my heart too. I was sure that Faneel was going to say something important, something I yearned to hear, but that wasn't meant to happen. With that phone call, we went back to our volunteering jobs and didn't get much chance to continue our conversation.

That night, I was lying on my bed, thinking about Faneel. Madhu entered the room, texting someone on her mobile phone. When she saw me deep in thought, she said, 'Penny for your thoughts.'

'Hey, Madhu, what's up?' I sprang up. I felt chatty, though my beauty sleep was beckoning me.

'Nothing's up, just that it's time to go to bed.'

Her reply was rather curt. I was used to it, but of late, Madhu wasn't talking to me well. She was sleeping soon. She was also behaving weirdly and looking tired most of the time. I made a mental note to talk to her but I got so busy that I forgot to have that conversation. Sometimes, she'd just sit near me, wanting to talk, but she wouldn't initiate the conversation. So, this time, I decided to take the reins. Whatever it was, I should be there for my sister. The worst would be that she was going through a breakup with her boyfriend if she had had one.

'Umm...Madhu, is something bothering you?' I didn't want to beat around the bush.

'Yes, I have a problem. I have missed a period.' That was Madhu. Straightforward. Brash. And honest.

'So what? Missing a period means your cycle might have turned irregular unless...' my eyes widened in shock as the revelation hit me.

'Madhu, what did you do?'

'Umm...Akka, it was a one-night stand after a drunken night...'

'What? You had a one-night stand?' My heart pounded.

'Yes, but don't tell me it's wrong to have a one-night stand...'

'It's not wrong to have a one-night, Madhu! Having unprotected sex is!' I yelled.

'Akka, Akka, please lower your voice. Amma should not hear about this, pleeeeaaaseee...' Madhu pleaded.

'Okay, I will lower my voice. But what are you planning to do? And how are you going to do without our parents' knowledge?'

'I seriously don't know, Akka. You have to help me.'

'Did you tell the guy with whom you slept?'

'No, why should I tell him? It's not his fault alone. He had a condom with him. It was I who was stone drunk that I told him I wanted to feel raw and blah blah blah. And now I am paying the price for it.'

'Shit! And what were you doing the morning after? You know there's a contraceptive pill for the morning after, right?'

'Yes, I know. But I was so embarrassed to get it. I just kept quiet and prayed that pregnancy should not happen.'

'Like hell, you would pray! How does praying stop a biological process from happening, Madhu? How could you be so careless?'

'I can't believe it myself, Akka. Please help me.'

'How do you want me to help you? Care for you during your pregnancy? Escort you out and keep you safe in another place for nine months so that you can deliver the baby and give it away for adoption?'

'No, no, Akka. I'm not in the idea of having this baby. Why do you think I'd be ready for accidental motherhood at such a young age? I'm just 21.'

'Yes, 21 and stupid.'

Madhu broke into tears after that. Whatever be it, she was still my sister. I pulled her into a hug and caressed her back gently, muttering, 'It's okay, it's okay. We'll do something about it. Tomorrow, let's go to Hope Maternity Hospital and ask them if they can abort the fetus.'

'Hmmm, hmmm,' Madhu replied, as she buried her face into my chest and sobbed a bit more.