27.06.2019

It's been 20 days since I arrived in these hills and I must say I'm quite entranced by all the beauty and the people around me. I have met some of the kindest people here. My next-door neighbour, Mr Badrinathan, has an avuncular charm about him. He helps me out with everything I need so that I don't have to feel like a child lost in a circus. My office has been stupendous. Chandni is my favourite so far – she is amiable, warm, and patient with everyone she meets. Malarkodi is the exact opposite of Chandni – arrogant, egoistic, has lots of selfishness, and picks up fights with everyone.

And then there is Ravi Anna. He makes sure that I'm well-fed at all times. Since I told him I don't have the habit of having breakfast in the morning, he's bringing all kinds of scrumptious dishes from his home so that I can never refuse whatever he offers. I am also drawn towards another neighbour who goes by the name of Sheena. She is a single mother to a 10-year-old, though she is just 28. She was married off early it seems and then widowed seven years after her marriage. Actually, she makes me not miss Sanjauli, because she is so much like my sister, Etisha, in character.

Speaking of Etisha, her divorce is almost finalized. I am more than buoyant that it is happening. I have seen my sister walk through fire every day with that abusive man. They have a 3-year-old son. Though Etisha's got the custody, I am sure that the man would still make her life hell. How did we even get her married to such a man in the first place? I should have done some background checks or I should have hired a private detective to spy on that man.

And, last weekend, I joined a cricket academy here – Clover Sports Academy. Though they have all kinds of indoor and outdoor sports, I opted for cricket since my passion for playing it would never die. We play in the open ground next to our academy. When it's time for cricket, they convert the ground into a cricket playground. It's all team effort and I love to be a part of this club. I have also made a new chum over there – his name is Arjun. He has been a native of these hills since his childhood. He told me he did his schooling and college in Kyathavasi and even invited me to his home in Urivaloor for lunch. I have accepted his invitation. It feels so splendid to make new friends in such an eye-candy town.

06.07.2019

I am discombobulated. What a spell she has cast on me! Her eyes spoke so much to me today that I couldn't take my eyes off her. She must have surely been disconcerted by my staring. God knows she might have categorised me as a creep. But how can she be so bewitching and humble at the same time? Whenever she speaks, I am transported to another world. These days, I am often questioning whether crushing on someone in this town is a favourable thing to do.

Though I am not sure whether these feelings are veering towards love, I can feel all the vibes. It happened to me with Liniksha in the past. Though we were best friends turned into lovers, I can still remember how the air felt different once I realised I was in love with her. Now, this air is tainted with the same fragrance. An amalgamation of everything mush. How do I stop myself from falling into this abyss?

Yesterday, she gave me a piece of marble cake. It melted in my mouth. If she had keenly observed my reactions, she'd have known that I was so much into her. Also, I had this feeling that she was looking at me too. Is she enchanted with the same feeling as me? Is she thinking about me right now? Can she feel the vibes too? God, I am turning insane. But I love this madness as much as I love the marble cake she gave me.

But I never asked something. Did she bake the cake? Next time when she is giving me cake, I should ask her this question. I am not much of a cake fan. But I am sure she'd turn me into one.

By the way, why should I fall for her? That's another question which I am afraid to ponder.

12.07.2019

Sometimes I feel that I'm losing my grip on this life. Whatever little creativity I have in me is slowly dissipating into a spiral of everyday humdrum. All I want is to go back to that lively nutshell that saw the best of me. There were a plethora of possibilities lying in front of me yet I chose to wallow in the colloquial chanting of this society that this is the path I am supposed to follow. Lately, I feel that I am being crucified by these boundaries I have set for myself to live coherently.

Though I hope I don't coalesce into a mass of ennui, I am still attacked by self-doubt. I have closed so many doors in my life that I am searching for open ones in the wrong place. What brought me here was myself. If I get to accept that fact, I can, perhaps, wholeheartedly embrace this plasticity that is unfolding every day. A numbing ache keeps reminding me that I have the salve to relieve it. The thing is – I don't know how to prepare that salve or find it if it is out there somewhere.

There is this stagnant air around me pregnant with all the chances I could take even now. But what with shouldering a shipload of responsibilities, I can't even think about inhaling that air that looks so promising. One day, I'll snap out of this blubber of regrets and take the reins of my life. There is something that always gives me solace. I am far more untethered from tedium than others. Some people have it worse. All they do is wake up, go to work, come back home, eat and sleep. At least I get to taste something different now and then.

Also, I am inside this trance bubble created by that sweet woman. I am so lucky to have met her. She enlivens my day however dreary it might be. Just one look or just one sentence spoken by her is enough for me to bounce back. She has that effect on me. God, I cannot be falling in love. I shouldn't be.

Am I falling in love?

23.07.2019

Yesterday evening, I had the tough job of telling Chandni that she had training for the next three days in Janathantrapuram. For a moment, she looked at me, rather dejected. On deeper introspection, I knew she felt sorry for me that I had to manage Malarkodi and some troublesome customers without her moral support. And, I too, felt sorry for her that she had to attend a drab training for three whole days.

Today, I went to the office at my usual time. Malarkodi had not yet arrived. She came almost fifteen minutes after opening time. When I asked her about her late-coming, she blandly told me that she had a one-year-old kid who was throwing tantrums. I simply nodded, not wanting to argue with her, definitely, not without Chandni's support.

Right at that moment, my phone chimed with a WhatsApp notification. The message was from Chandni.

Chandni – This is my desktop password ********. You can log in using my employee ID in case you need anything.

Me – Thank you, madam. Hope you enjoy the training. 😀

Chandni – As if I would 😒

Me – Hey, at least you'd get good food there.

Chandni – That's the only remarkable thing about this training in posh hotels.

Me – Right, see you soon!

A few hours later, a 50s-something customer barged inside my cabin. His shoulders were stiff and he looked like he'd gobble me up at that moment.

'What's wrong with you people?' he barked.

'Sir, please take a seat,' I tried to ease his frustration by offering hospitality.

'I don't want to sit on these filthy seats. When will you Government people understand that high net worth individuals like us can't keep a tab of the date of our policies? Why won't you make it easier for us?' he demanded an explanation. And mine wasn't going to satisfy him. I also knew that it was Malarkodi's haughtiness which would have irked him.

'Sir, can you explain the full problem?' My voice turned shaky by then. I don't know, I'm still not used to talking to such high-class individuals who can't calm themselves even after observing my demeanour.

'Last time when I visited your office to pay a bloody premium, that lady told me that she'd set up auto debit in my account that is linked to all my policies. She even assured me that she'd communicate with me regarding this. But nothing happened. And here I am paying a penalty because one of my premiums has become overdue. What kind of customer service is this? Is this how you treat important people like me?'

'Sir, I am extremely sorry, sir. We will make amends for this,' I apologised and called Malarkodi through the intercom.

'Malar madam, please set the auto-debit in his account right now. And also, check whether we can waive this penalty,'

Instead of being apologetic, Malarkodi mustered the knack to retort.

'Sir, I just cannot remember things and do everything. You have to share some of the workloads with Chandni.'

'Madam, why don't you understand? This isn't about Chandni's work order. She already has lots on her plate, if you have ever noticed. She leaves home later than you, sometimes leaving some pending work for the other day. And nothing of that concerns the problem at hand. This is about your remembrance and the trust that this customer has in you. You should keep your word, Malar madam. Customers believe in us.' I lost my cool. Never have I ever got so much worked up.

I don't know what came over Malarkodi but she apologised to me and promised to set the auto-debit right away. I convinced the customer that the issue had been taken care of and he did not need to worry about anything. Finally, the customer thanked me and left the place.

'Ufff! I miss Chandni so much,' I muttered to myself.

I texted her on WhatsApp.

Me – Chandni madam, come back soon. I just can't manage Malarkodi. ☹

Chandni – OMG, haha. What happened?

Me – It's a long story. I'll tell you when you come back.

Chandni – Okay, sir, take care till then lest you lose your quietude.

Me – Ahem, ahem, using new words, uh?

Chandni – Yes, influenced by you.

Me – Hahaha...

It was this cheekiness that I liked in Chandni. She could put me in a good mood at any time in the office.

01.08.2019

Is this a workplace or a compartment in hell? Since the morning, I have been getting calls from the head office in Janathantrapuram that I should source five health insurance policies today. How is it even fuckingly possible? I can source one policy with my meagre social engineering skills. Maybe, I can source two. But not more than that. These higher officials always set unrealistic goals and pressurize officers like me who have to slog in the branches. I should have tried to get into some other job in the field of my studies. But now it's too late. I have been here for so many years that I can't even think about switching careers.

Wish I could have at least been in the clerical cadre. I would have been posted in Sanjauli itself. Not that Jwalamukh Hills is not great. It's dotted with serene hill towns and most of my weekends are made when I drive around the towns on my scooter. I love this place and I'm kinda getting used to life here.

By the way, Chandni Shree is releasing her first violin EP. This woman is one determined achiever. I have never met someone who's dedicated to their passion. And she has made the right decision to not get married at this stage. She has to flourish in her field before she can take on a huge responsibility. I love violin music and I am so eager to listen to her EP.

Moving on to my girl, she was captivating today. She had this string of jovial aura around her. She always has it but today she had it extra. I loved conversing with her today. She passed on her vibes to me and I instantly felt better. How much I would have loved to pass my fingers through her hair and feel her tender skin! Oh God, I shouldn't be thinking about her like this. But, now I want to write a short poem for her, beseeching her to accept my love and live along with me (God, I will never confess to her, but here I am wanting her to accept my love). Okay, here it goes:

You became my poetry

when I saw you standing there

containing the world

inside your alluring smile.

When will I become the poetry

that flows from your poetic lips?

Why am I even categorising these feelings as love? It's too soon. I shouldn't jump to conclusions.