08.07.2019

I was sure that I woke up with a smile because the dream was oh-so-lovely. I was in my childhood home in Janathantrapuram along with my mom, dad, and Madhu. We were chattering about something I can't quite remember. Suddenly, I heard the doorbell ring. No one else could listen to it. I almost shouted, 'The bell is ringing! Can't you all listen?' But the others continued doing their work. 'Mch!' I did and stood up to open the door. To my surprise, it was Faneel at the door. I smiled at him as if I was expecting him. He smiled back and shoved past me to enter the living room. Many things happened after that most of which I don't remember, but Faneel was present in them all and I was looking only at him. Suddenly, the scene shifted to the sofa in our living room where Faneel was sitting. I talked to him illegibly while he opened a bar of mango candy and ate it bite by bite. The dream ended abruptly and I woke up with a smile.

Since I felt over the moon, I updated my WhatsApp status-

Sweet dreams do exist! <3

To my shock, Faneel saw the status within five minutes making me wonder whether he had any such dream too. It was only a month since his arrival but I seemed like I was obsessed with him. I knew I shouldn't be driving myself crazy over a harmless crush but it wasn't doing me any good. I was already knee-deep in crushing over him and no one or nothing could stop me from it. Though I knew it was silly of me to expect him to have the same kind of feelings for me, I couldn't shake away the fact that I wouldn't be his type and he wouldn't even look at me with a romantic interest.

*

10.07.2019

My office was eerily silent as I entered it. That meant only one thing. We have been expecting it for the past ten days.

'Ravi Anna, is the auditor here?' I asked him as I placed my handbag on the side desk in my cabin.

'Yes, ma. He is checking Malarkodi's cash box along with her and Faneel Sir.'

'What? Malarkodi is already here?'

'Hmmm,' he replied, as his fingers prodded through sheets of paper. He was looking for something, but I'd rather not ask him because he had a bad temper sometimes.

I couldn't settle on my seat because I was all jittery. Though we were expecting the auditor at any time, I didn't know that he'd pop up out of the blue on a Wednesday morning. As I lingered in the bay, Faneel came out of the safe room. Malarkodi and the auditor tagged along with him.

'Good morning, sir,' I greeted Faneel.

'Good morning, madam,' he replied rather blandly. 'This is our auditor, Mr Lakshmanan,' he introduced.

'Hello, sir, good morning,' I greeted Lakshmanan. He looked bulky in his striped sky-blue shirt and black pants.

'Good morning!' he bellowed in his supercilious voice. His hands were on his hips and he had unblinking, focused eye contact. His thick black spectacles elevated his strident appearance.

He then entered Faneel's room and settled on Faneel's seat, simultaneously powering up the system. Malarkodi too went back to her place. Faneel lingered along with me in the bay.

'Hey, I sent you a message. Why didn't you check it?' he asked me.

'What? Oh my God! I was doing some prepping work for my upcoming violin album. I didn't check WhatsApp.'

I fished out my mobile phone to check the message. He had pinged about the auditor's arrival and asked me to come a bit early.

Eff! I screwed up. Faneel's gonna chide me now. There's nothing worse than this.

'I am so sorry, sir. Sorry, sorry...'

'Hey, cool down. It's okay. I just wanted to notify you about the message. Didn't mean to frighten you. Chill, okay?'

I was so dumbfounded by his cool response that I couldn't move my limbs for a second.

'Hello, Chandni, it's okay,' he placed his palm just for a fleeting second on my shoulder. I froze. Though I wanted to speak something, my lips didn't cooperate. All I could manage was a feeble nod.

Even though he went to his seat which was now opposite the auditor, his momentary touch on my shoulder lingered on.

The day passed by with the auditor asking us to present all the documents that were in the sampling. Once, Faneel came out of his cabin, and asked Malarkodi, 'Madam, I need the KYC documents for all these policies. Could you fetch them from our server?'

'Sir, I am attending to the customers. Why don't you ask Chandni to do it?' she replied rather haughtily.

'Madam, Chandni is also into audit work. She is downloading some databases and Excel sheets that the auditor has asked for. You can attend to the customers, but you have to take care of the audit work too.'

'Sir, this is too much. How can I attend to the customers as well as concentrate on audit work?' Malarkodi's voice raised.

I clenched and unclenched my fist. Faneel wasn't like other bosses. He was soft-spoken, treated all the staff equally, and even treated problematic customers in a dignified way. You just cannot raise your voice against such a nice person. But for someone as presumptuous as Malarkodi, behaving rudely with anyone came so easily. That's why there were many customer complaints about her behaviour.

'Leave it, madam,' Faneel resigned.

'What leave it? You shouldn't be asking this in the first place, sir,'

I felt like delivering a tight slap across her taut cheek.

'Malarkodi madam, please leave it. He gave up on you, right? Why are you continuing the argument? Audit is going on and we need a good score. Please don't create a scene,' I intervened.

'Excuse me?! Who are you to speak back to me?' Malarkodi stood up from her place.

'I am a staff of this company who can't put up with such lofty behaviour,'

'Woah, woah, please you two, don't fight now,' Faneel tried to restrain us.

'Ask her to apologize to me. I am her senior. She cannot talk to me like that,' Malarkodi put forth.

'Chandni madam, please do something and make the atmosphere amiable,'

If it was not for Faneel's pleading eyes, I would have taken more on Malarkodi.

'Okay, Malar madam, I am sorry,' I threw her an insincere apology.

She stared at me as if she'd kill me the next moment. But she sat down without any further altercation. Faneel looked at me and shrugged his shoulders. I looked down immediately because a blush was coming to my face.

But I composed myself and spoke, 'Give them to me, sir. I'll fetch the KYC documents for you.'

'Ufff! Thank you, Chandni.'

He flashed an ebullient smile and placed the sampling on my desk. Our fingers brushed ever so slightly but he pulled away immediately. I also noticed that he had forgotten to use 'madam' while addressing me. Maybe, he was addressing me only with my name in his mind and putting up an act in the office.

I didn't notice the time passing by as I got involved in the audit work. Malarkodi left at 5.30 PM, which was our usual leaving time. Since she was a married woman with a small kid, she had excuses at the tip of her tongue. But it was not the same in my case. According to Samarpan's head office, I was still single and I had no responsibilities at home. So, I could be asked to sit overtime But they did not want me to claim anything for late sitting. I knew it was a blatant injustice done to me, but I just couldn't stand up for myself in front of the higher officials.

So, when I looked at the clock it was 7 PM and the tip of my nose had already turned cold. Mangalkulam turns chill at night. So, I took out my sweater from my bag and wore it. I looked for Faneel but he was nowhere to be seen. Only the auditor was inside the room. Even Ravi Anna had left by then. Assuming that Faneel might be outside, I slowly walked to the door and opened it stealthily so that it wouldn't squeak. As imagined, he was standing in the open parking lot, looking at the sky. I looked up too. And boy, how pleasing it was! I could almost spot the Cassiopeia constellation.

'Beautiful, isn't it?' I voiced to let Faneel know that I was standing behind him.

'Hey, Chandni madam. Yes, of course, it's beautiful. I love gazing at the stars.'

Maybe it was my imagination, but his voice was rather romantic when he said that.

'Me too. Did you notice Cassiopeia?'

'Yes! I saw it too.'

'Hmmm, the full moon is on the 16th. So now the moon is somewhere between being half and gibbous.'

'Yeah, gibbous is my favourite phase.'

'Wow! Mine too,' I turned and looked at him. Under the mellowing moonlight, his golden face glinted with admiration for the night sky. Something strong channelled through my heart. I couldn't comprehend what it was.

'It's much similar to ourselves. We always feel like the gibbous moon, right? Incomplete? The moon reaches its fullness, but we stay in the gibbousness. I don't know what would invoke that completeness in us,' he pondered.

'That's the reason why I too love the gibbous moon. It represents me. I am trying to reach something, a kind of fruition. But I still keep craving it. I am always the gibbous moon.'

'Your name's meaning is moonlight. It's poetic, Chandni.'

My cheeks flushed crimson. He had mentioned only my name again without the suffix. God, I couldn't control my expressions. Somehow, I managed to blabber, 'Thank you, sir.'

Then our eyes met. The world would have stopped right then. Gravity defied me as I felt myself floating towards him. Only that it wasn't my physical body but the ghost of a woman sans the engagement ring.

Maybe, in another world, some action might have happened between us under the starry night.

*

11.07.2019

Our eyes met. My legs gave up on me as I ambled towards him. He, too, inched closer to me. I didn't know what was happening but it was kinda mystical, what with all the stars in the sky. When only a finger-length gap was between us, he placed his soft palm on my cheek. My whole body tingled with a flare of intense emotions for him. He looped his other arm around my waist and pulled me even closer. My eyes wandered around his moonlit face. I traced my finger all over his alluring facial features – his ebony eyes, sharp cheekbones, and full lips. His palm slithered down to my shoulder and he held it in a firm grasp. Then, as if time stopped, our lips brushed. A second later, it blew into a deep kiss. I wanted him. Every atom of me wanted him. At that moment, I knew we belonged to each other. Our parted lips explored every nook and cranny of our raging mouths. Suddenly, I felt snowflakes falling all around me. Or, maybe that's how chill the weather around us was. There was no way snow would fall in Mangalkulam. A few minutes later, we broke the kiss and looked at each other. A kind of warmth streaked across his face as he said, 'I love you, Chandni.'

I snapped out of my daydream when Ravi Anna placed a cup of tea and some biscuits on my desk. I had let my mind wander, creating a scenario that would never happen in real life. And what was with Faneel proposing love to me? This was supposed to be just a crush, nothing beyond that. I had no strong reasons to categorize this as love. Or was it love? Feeling ashamed of my enigmatic thoughts, I went back to work.

*

14.07.2019

It was a usual Sunday with my household chores, laundry, and cooking thick chicken curry for lunch. Avinash called me twice, but I didn't answer his calls. Since that argument, I wasn't talking to him. I wasn't going to romance him until I had an apology from him. But things would happen as they had always happened. He'd never open his mouth about the topic. For him, it's a closed chapter and the parties involved should move on rather silently. He left everything unresolved. That's another reason why I couldn't fall in love with him, even though I tried a lot.

The next call was from Nithya. Now she was a person I'd never ignore. Not in this lifetime.

'Hey, Chan!' her voice chimed from the other end.

'Hey, Nithi, what's up?'

'Can we all meet today?'

'All means?'

'You, me, Madhu, and...'

'And who?'

'Harshiv!'

'What?!' I prolonged the question.

'Yes, Harshiv is here. Apparently, he arrived to surprise us. Since my home was on the way to his, he casually stopped by to give me a heart attack.'

'Wow! I mean, wow! When are we meeting?'

'Harshiv's treating us to dinner in Rosemary Bistro in Vandakheri. Be there at 7.30. Okay?'

'God, I am so excited!'

We hung up after chatting for a few minutes. I almost squealed after putting down the phone. Harshiv Kapilan was our childhood best friend who moved to Canada for his higher studies. He then found work there. The last we saw him was in 2016. Whenever we questioned him about his visit to his native town, he'd dodge us with excuses. Sure, his work was mind-numbing, but he couldn't go on excusing himself. So, it was a huge surprise for us when he came back to Jwalamukh Hills.

That night, I wore a full-sleeved chambray denim top and paired it with a pleated black midi-length skirt. I curled some of my hair using a curler and left it loose. It fell elegantly on my shoulders, complementing my makeup. As soon as I stepped out of the bedroom, my mom eyed me from top to bottom.

'What kind of dressing is this, Chandni?' There she went.

'Do you see me wearing dresses like this daily?' I snapped.

That was enough to shut her up. My wardrobe consisted only of Kurtis, salwar kameezes, a few sarees, and lots of leggings. I wore some Western tops and jeans while going out on weekends. And a dress as chic as I was wearing was a rarity in my wardrobe. I bought it on a whim from a newly-opened clothing store in Urivaloor. I hadn't even worn it for an evening before my mom bombarded me with questions about it. Well, she had asked only one question, but it carried a thousand different meanings.

Just then Madhu came out of the bedroom, dressed in an indigo off-shoulder top paired with a knee-length floral skirt. She looked almost like a diva. We could only snigger at the dirty looks that our mom flashed at us. Thank God, our dad was out. Or he might have scrutinized us with his comments.

We entered Rosemary Bistro and waved to Nithya and Harshiv who had already reserved a table for us.

'Harshiv!' I enveloped him in a bear hug. Though I wasn't used to such platonic hugs, Harshiv was our plumpy, swarthy teddy bear who was always up to some mischief.

'Hello, Chan. Hello, Madhu,' he greeted us jubilantly.

'Hello, everyone!' Another voice joined our gathering. To our surprise, it was Gowtham Mukilan, Harshiv's younger brother.

We all shook hands with each other and settled on our seats. The bistro was lavender-themed with soft golden lights illuminating the atmosphere. Each table had a vase with lavender flowers filled in it. A server traipsed towards us to take our orders. This was our order – roasted vegetable salad and buttermilk fried chicken for the starters, butter-poached shrimp and pesto, grilled fish, coconut prawn curry served with jasmine rice, and hot chocolate and Snickers shake for dessert. We asked for the starters first, then the mains, and the desserts for later. If I could call something a hearty meal, this was it.

As we were gorging on the delicacies, Harshiv questioned me about my violin. He played the guitar but he could find time for it only on the weekends. If he had been in Jwalamukh Hills, I would have collaborated with him. But that was not the case and I addressed this to him.

'How great it would have been if we had collaborated on something!' I pouted.

'It would have been marvellous. But Canada called me with the most exciting job offer I have ever seen. Since 2016, I have been growing, growing, and growing. And I can't just stop my growth by coming back to settle here.'

'Hmmm, that's a plausible explanation. Well, got any girlfriend?'

'Yeah, I am dating someone. She is a Canadian, okay?'

'Not okay,' Nithya chuckled.

'Not at all okay,' I joined her in the mockery.

Then we all burst into laughter. Harshiv looked confused.

'Oh, stop it you all! Tell me your views,' he demanded.

'Why the hell do you need our views on who you should date? It's your choice, Harsh,' said Nithya.

'Of course, it is! Whatever nationality or race your girlfriend is, love is love, man,' I uttered.

'Hey, Chan, didn't you say something about Isabella and Durga, your violin class friends?' Madhu intervened.

'Yeah, they are a couple now. Something more than friendship just brewed between them,'

'So, it's become a trend, uh? Same-sex love and relationships?' Harshiv asked, quite amused. But Nithya and I exchanged alarming looks.

'It's everything but a trend, Harsh,' Nithya began.

'You cannot condense something that huge as a trend, Harsh. It's more than that. It's love. When the world is fighting for LGBTQ rights, all we can do is just listen and be an empath,' I emphasized.

Madhu opened her mouth to speak, 'And, Harsh, you know what? I have a friend who is gay. He's my best friend in my college and he's the butt of all the jokes too. I just don't know when people would understand all this. They think that all these things go against God's rules of nature. If you see our ancient sculptures, you can see depictions of same-sex couples. It's not at all new. It has existed for millions of years. Human beings have regressed, as a matter of fact. All such people need a true friend who can act as an empath and be there for them, no matter what. Despite all the bullying, my friend stays strong because he tells me that I'm empowering him to hang on.'

The table turned quiet after Madhu's rigmarole. Harshiv was the first to start clapping. Soon, we all joined and clapped for Madhu who had become a role model of sorts. I didn't realise that my baby sister had matured too. Before I could take another helping of the coconut prawn curry, I noticed Gowtham looking at Madhu as if he was impressed by her. I cleared my throat so that he could discern that I knew what he was doing. He kinda looked embarrassed and went back to eating.

'Nithi, I heard about your miscarriage. I am so sorry you had to go through that,' Harshiv started.

'Hey, it's okay. I have put everything on the back burner. It was three months ago. And it's been two weeks since I have had any relapses. I have increased the sessions with my therapist. I have also forayed into home baking. Since you are here, I'll bake something for you and send it to your home.'

'Glad to hear that. But, sorry to ask this, did you go into depression because you lost the baby? Or because of Nishok's abuse?'

'The depression accumulated in me as Nishok kept abusing me. It all burst when I lost the baby. I was really happy about becoming a mother. I thought fatherhood would change Nishok. But I didn't know that he'd become demonic enough to kick me and make me miscarry the baby. Now that I think about it, I'm happy that the baby chose to escape. Also, I think I wouldn't have made a good mother, what with all my mental health issues. Who knows, I might have been diagnosed with postpartum depression. So, it's all good,' Nithya's voice broke at the end.

I knew that the next moment she'd begin to stutter. So, I placed a palm on her hand to ensure that everything was okay.

'Nithi, you are already a mother. You bake so many cakes these days. Each cake is your baby. You create something. Anyone who creates is a mother,' I expressed.

'Wow! That's a beautiful thought. What else do you think about motherhood, Chandni?' It was Gowtham who asked me that.

'I think motherhood shouldn't be a compulsion. It should be a choice. If a woman doesn't want motherhood, then we should let her be. But she should make it clear to the man she dates. Later, he shouldn't feel betrayed that she didn't tell him about this previously. He shouldn't be forcing her into motherhood. So, these things should be discussed before marriage. A woman can choose to not go through motherhood. She shouldn't be termed as a mother only if she gives birth to human beings. She can be a mother to anything – her business, pets, talents, etc. But, society implies that when a girl is born, maternal instincts are also born along with her. How ridiculous!'

Again, the table fell silent, before Harshiv spoke up, 'I agree with you. How about you? Are you ready for motherhood?'

'Right now, I am not even thinking about marriage, though I have been engaged to Avinash for two years. But I love kids and I'd love to have a couple of my own.'

'Okay, I have another question to ask. Since this conversation is interesting, I'm prompted to continue this topic. Movies have always portrayed mothers as sacrificial beings. What do you think about it? Should mothers sacrifice themselves to be good mothers to their children?' Harshiv continued.

'I think I have got highly feminist views about this. Hope no one gets offended by them.'

'Hey, we are a motley group of woke individuals. So, you need not worry about speaking your heart out,' Nithya reassured me.

'Okay, it's a problematic notion that mothers are considered sacrificial beings. Right from the moment a woman becomes a mother, she sacrifices almost everything, including her identity. Of course, if she has kids, then they are her priority. But society has twisted the meaning of that priority so much so that the 'mother' slowly disappears into thin air. I find it really difficult to digest this.'

'True that. But, eventually, every woman, woke or not, becomes this sacrificial human being because of social conditioning,' Madhu quipped in.

'You all see what becomes of me. I might appear unconventional, but I have already joined the rat race of getting stuck in a career I don't love, engaged to a man chosen by my parents, and not getting to live my life according to my wishes. I find it liberating when I get to speak about my views which are not at all accepted at my home,' I looked at Madhu and she nodded at me.

Gowtham spoke, 'I think motherhood shouldn't be an end to a woman's identity. It should actually empower her to achieve more and carve a name for herself so that her children can look up to her and learn from her.'

'But, you know, a mother should have supportive partners and family members who'd support her dreams unconditionally. That is a different topic altogether,' I concluded.

'Wow! I didn't notice we had finished our dinner. I'll ask for the bill,' Harshiv signalled to the server.

As we all walked back home, I had this feeling of contentment. It was a good evening that included good food and intellectual conversations with some of my favourite people. It was definitely a breather from my harsh reality where I had no control over anything whatsoever.