01.07.2019

It took me another couple of days to perfect the violin interlude of Kadhale Kadhale. Isabella, Durga, and I went on a video call and almost roasted each other to death until we could play it properly. Since it was heart-melting to listen to the interlude without any programming or adulteration, I decided to post it on WhatsApp, Facebook, and Instagram. The WhatsApp status went first, followed by posts on Facebook and Insta. The views on my WhatsApp status increased with every hour but that one name I wanted to see hadn't viewed the status yet.

Disappointed, I resumed doing my household chores as it'd be silly of me to waste time on my phone, staring at the screen for any activity from 'Faneel Sir' (that's how I saved his contact on my phone).

Avinash called me right then. The first feeling I had was guilt. It was like I was disloyal to him by just having a harmless crush on Faneel. Anyway, I wanted to talk to him, since our last meeting had ended in a silly tiff and I didn't talk to him for many days.

'Hello, Avi.'

'Chandni, what are you doing?'

'I am going to fold laundry. Would you like to come over and help me?'

'Sure, why not?' He chuckled. I couldn't detect what was so amusing about folding laundry. But I didn't want to talk on that line further. I knew it would end up in another fight.

'Okay, had dinner?' I asked.

'Nope. Amma is still cooking. It'll be ready in another fifteen minutes. What about you?'

'The same.'

'Aren't you cooking dinner at your home?'

'Ma is making it today. Also, these days, I rarely cook on weekdays.'

'Why is that so? Why are you burdening aunty? When you can cook well, you have to put it to use.'

'Why can't you do that too, Avi? Why are you burdening your mother?'

'I offered to cook, but Amma told me to go hunt for jobs on the Internet.'

'Oh! And did you hunt for them?'

'Yes, I did. I have applied to a couple of them.'

'Good, Avi. I hope you get a job soon.'

'And I hope that we get married soon.'

'That's the last thing on my mind, Avi.'

'Huh? Why?'

'I have so many things to do before my life changes forever.'

'What exactly are those things?'

'I want to master all the levels in Carnatic violin, release my first EP and my first album. Also, this might be my fancy, but I'd like to open that bookshop-cum-café I have always spoken about.'

Avinash was silent for a moment before he spoke, 'And you think all this is not possible after marriage?'

'Not at all, Avi. Marriage comes with huge responsibilities. For many women, including me, it is about shedding our previous identities and taking on a different role. Before I can face such an enormous change in my life, I should carve a name for myself, however small it might be.'

'So philosophical, eh? I can't get why you women have this fad of enjoying life before you get married. There's fun and enjoyment after marriage too. You will never understand.'

Yes, you too will never understand, misogynistic bastard! I screamed inside my mind.

'You will also not understand, Avi.'

'Wait, wait, are we going to fight again?'

'I don't think so because Ma is calling me for dinner.'

'Okay, get going. Good night.'

'Good night, Avi.'

I was so relieved to hang up. Avinash got on to my nerves and I didn't know how I would cope with him for the rest of my life. I checked WhatsApp to see if I had received any comments for the violin cover. Topping the chats stood Faneel Sir's message. Now that was a balm for my worked-up nerves.

Faneel Sir – Wow! That's beautiful, madam. I never knew you could play so well. I am going to listen to this repeatedly.

I clutched my chest because I thought my heart would burst out of my skin and run straightaway to Faneel's home. That's how his comment made me feel. But then I realised that he misunderstood the violin piece as my composition. I had to clear it. I didn't want to take credit for someone else's composition. Since all my Tamil friends knew that it was a popular interlude, I didn't add a caption while posting the video.

Me – Thank you, Sir. But this is not my composition. It's a popular interlude from a 2018 Tamil movie.

Since he was online, he replied immediately.

Faneel Sir – Oh I see! Anyway, it's remarkable. I've already listened to it like umpteen times.

Me – Thank you again, Sir.

He left my last message at seen. My Ma's normal upma tasted so divine because I felt all summery after my meagre chat with Faneel.

*

The first two weeks of July saw many weddings and other ceremonies because there wouldn't be any once the Tamil month of Aadi begins. One of my collegemates, Srinivas Rao, invited me to his wedding reception on the 6th. I texted another college friend, asking her if she would join me. She replied in the affirmative. Since the reception was held in a marriage hall in Mangalkulam, I planned to go directly from work. So, I tied a peacock-blue silk saree with a gold puff-sleeved blouse. I wore a matching necklace, bangles, and earrings. Donning my face with minimal makeup, I took the cosmetics along with me so that I could reapply makeup in the evening. When I got off the bus, I bought a string of jasmine flowers and pinned them to my hair which I had clipped in the middle.

'Wow! Look at that angel!' Malarkodi exploded as soon as she saw me.

'Ha ha, thank you!' I responded.

'Romba azhaga iruka ma...' Ravi Anna too complimented that I looked beautiful.

'Thank you, Anna.'

Before I could take my seat, Faneel chugged out of his cabin in slow steps.

'Woah! You look ravishing!' He thundered in his singsong voice. I looked away for a moment so that the others wouldn't notice my cheeks blushing scarlet.

'Thank you, sir,' I flashed a wide smile at him and slumped on my seat.

He didn't leave for his cabin, but lingered in the bay, fiddling with his phone, glancing at me now and then. Well, I caught him glimpsing when I got this desperate urge to look at him – my goody-good crush. His soft-spoken behaviour even to troublesome customers or clients or insurance agents won me over. Above all, he was genuine with everyone. That's what mattered the most to me.

Throughout the day, something kept clinking inside my mind, telling me that Faneel was looking at me now and then. Or maybe it was just my delusion. Anyway, I felt ecstatic whenever I caught him gandering at me. Sometimes, our eyes met and I thought I saw something twirling in his eyes.

Why is he looking at me like he's smitten? That's how Arjun looked at me when I wore a saree on my high school farewell day.

I had a hard time concentrating on my work as Faneel kept prancing around without any reason. I might have caused a minor disturbance in him for today, but he was causing a thunderstorm in me. He looked stunning in a crisp white formal shirt. His golden skin gleamed as he moved hither-thither. His body language effused confidence all over. And he obviously didn't know what he was doing to me.

I myself don't know what's happening to me. Is it a harmless crush or something more in which I'd be crushed?

*

Faneel always hummed a tune whenever he stood next to me or whenever I went to his cabin to give him documents for authorisation. I could infer that it was an English song but I couldn't find the title of the song. I was afraid to ask him too. It seemed like a personal question and I didn't want to foray into such behaviour that soon. However, I secretly tried to find the song by playing and fast-forwarding many English songs on Spotify. I turned into an obsessed psychopath. If I opened Spotify, it recommended so many random English songs that my entire profile turned into something else.

While I was on this musical mission, a breezy song found me. As I was browsing through the album A Head Full of Dreams by Coldplay, the song Hymn For The Weekend called out to me. I hit the play button and that was it. As the song progressed, it pulled me along with it into chasms hitherto unknown to me. For many days, Chris Martin's, 'You know you make my world light up' served as a salve to my crush-struck soul. Faneel was illuminating my life with his presence and he had no idea about it.

And one day, I decided that this heady feeling of being infatuated with someone was enough for me to keep going, though I didn't want the other person to reciprocate my feelings. So the line, 'High o high o high...I am feeling drunk and high...So high...So high...' gave me the push to have these cloying feelings despite them being inappropriate.

Every day and night, I listened to it, submerged in it, and became one with it. As expected of me, I began practising it on my violin and surprised Isabella and Durga when I played it during our next class. We then collaborated with some of our musician friends and released my violin cover version of Hymn For The Weekend on YouTube. We chose a mesmerizing viewpoint in Vandakheri as the background of the video. I dressed in a white Kurti and paired it with black leggings. Leaving my hair loose, I wore silver danglers and bangles. I played the raw cover version of the song on the violin while my friends took care of the re-recording and mixing in a studio.

Once I released the video, I sent the link to Faneel. He commented, Wow! That's marvellous! But...

Me – But?

Faneel – I am not a fan of Coldplay. It's just for your information. I didn't mean that you shouldn't send me violin covers of Coldplay's songs. Your covers are always outstanding.

I chortled reading the message. It was an irony that I should consider a Coldplay song as my current lifeline when the man who I associate it with is not a fan of the band. But, it was okay.

Me – To each his own 🙂

As usual, he left my message at seen. Oh, the bittersweetness of it all!

*

Avinash stayed in Viruksham Apartments in Kyathavasi. I used to visit him at his home when his parents were out so that we could get intimate, but I stopped doing that since I realised that I wasn't fully into him. He did not question me too because he felt that he was failing me by not securing a job for himself. Well, it was good that he assumed so. I didn't want to put us in an awkward situation by not wanting to get intimate with him. It was better that we met outside and spent some time with each other (which usually ended up in arguments).

He had an elder sister named Sneha. She was pregnant with her first baby, so she was at her mother's home. They invited me to her baby shower ceremony. So, I got all dolled up and took an auto-rickshaw to Kyathavasi. They were conducting it as a private ceremony at their flat with only a few close members. As soon as I stepped down, I noticed one of my aunts talking animatedly to Avinash's mother. I paid the rickshaw driver and walked towards them with a big smile on my face.

'Hi, Kamala aunty, how are you?' I addressed my aunt and then proceeded to greet Avinash's mom, Sundari, 'Hi, athai, how are you?'

'Fine, ma,' they chorused together.

'Where is your mom?' asked Sundari.

'Appa is not feeling well. He had some kind of indigestion after coming home. So, she is taking care of him.'

'Okay, ma. Go inside. Avinash is photographing everyone. We will start the function in another five minutes.'

A few minutes later, some of the ladies brought Sneha to the hall and made her sit on a chair. She was eight months pregnant, so her baby bump was perfectly visible. I beamed at her and waved hi to her, to which she waved back and mouthed pleasantries at me. Her parrot-green saree with navy-blue blouse suited her lemon-yellow skin perfectly. Once she was settled, five women filled a steel plate with water and dissolved some Kumkum in it. Then they lit a camphor piece and placed it in the middle of the mixture. All the women held the plate up and circulated it around Sneha, singing a devotional song. Then, each of them adorned her cheeks and forehead with sandalwood paste and Kumkum. From the plate of multi-coloured glass bangles, they picked a few bangles of their choice and slid them into her hands. When it was my turn, I followed the same procedure too. I gifted her a baby hamper set which included all the essentials for a newborn.

When I went back to my place, Avinash came near me and said, 'You look beautiful.'

'Thank you, Avi. Go on, take a photo of me.'

'Yes, come on, pose.'

I struck a pose and his camera shuttered me perfectly. He then moved on to photograph the rest of the ceremony. Once the gathering left for dinner on the terrace, I found Avinash sitting in his bedroom.

'Hey, can I come in?' I asked, making a puppy face at him.

'You, naughty woman. How many times you have been here discreetly?' he laughed. I laughed along with him and slouched on his bed.

'But it's been a long time since I was here. Two years, right?'

'Yes. A lot has changed in this bedroom since then. Take a look around.'

It was visible that he had painted the walls with seafoam green, while previously it was bubblegum-pink. Pictures of his favourite footballers decorated them. Then I noticed something new. He had hung a list of goals. I moved closer to read it.

Within 2019 ends – Get a job

2020 – Get married to Chandni

2021 – First baby

2022 – Buy a house

2023 – Second baby

2024 – Go on a vacation to Dubai or Paris

2025 – Join first child in school

The list stopped with that. Maybe the bastard didn't know what to add after it. In a fit of rage, I tore the list off the wall and began to shred it.

'Chandni! Hey, Chandni, what are you doing?!' Avinash hollered.

'Goals, my foot!' I screamed.

'What are you doing, Chandni? Stop it!' He advanced to catch hold of my hand, but I dodged him and shredded the list to bits and pieces. Then I threw them into the dustbin.

'Are you mad?! What did you just do?' Avinash continued scolding.

'What did I just do? What have you done already? Look at that effing list! It's purely sadistic. Couldn't you see?'

'What was sadistic about it? I just listed out some of my near-future goals.'

'Near-future goals? Who gave you the right to decide my life? I am not a doll to just be your wife and follow all of your goals religiously. Where was I in it? How could you decide for me?'

'I did not decide anything for you. It's us, Chandni. I decided for us.'

'Us? And you decided for us without discussing it with me?'

'Chandni, you are overreacting. They are just goals. They aren't going to happen exactly.'

'Oh, hahaha. You will make it happen, Avinash,' I spoke through gritted teeth.

He spoke after a stunned pause, 'What do you want me to do now?'

'I want you to realise how misogynistic that list was. 2021, first baby. 2023, second baby. It's my body, Avinash. How could you decide when I should give birth? Where are my dreams and goals on that list?'

'Chandni, can't you see? You are already achieving your dreams, while here I am like a wastrel. So, once you get married, your priorities will automatically change towards your household. You'd want to start a family immediately after it. Also, in 2021, you'll be 27 already. You should give birth to your first baby at that age if you want to have another child before hitting 30. So, I calculated everything correctly...'

'Shut up! Just shut up!'

'Dei Avinash, enna satham anga?' It was Avinash's mother. She was asking about the ensuing hullabaloo in the room.

'Nothing, Amma. I just played a video accidentally in the home theatre system,' he shouted while signalling me to be quiet.

'Okay, come soon. I can't find Chandni. Call her and ask her to join us for dinner.'

'Okay, Amma.'

He then turned towards me. 'What do you want, Chandni?'

'Oh, I want so many things! But you don't give a damn about them. You still don't realise that my dreams don't stop with my marriage to you. I am a violinist. I am releasing my EP soon which should be followed by an album within a year. Then I should get a breakthrough by playing in the films. But you have not got any idea about it, Avinash. You are a saddled horse. You believe only in things that you can see, but there is a whole world out there replete with exquisite things that you don't understand. First of all, realise that we are all just a speck in this universe, and then you will let go of your ego.'

Saying so, I left him standing there and went outside. I wanted to be alone. If someone could damage my already damaged mental health, it would be Avinash. I didn't want to be anywhere around him. When I came out of the apartment, Avinash's mom stopped me and asked whether I had had dinner. I lied to her that I did, but I lost my appetite by then.

On my way home, I stopped at a roadside eatery and gobbled a plate of Maggi.