28.06.2019

The acrid smell of sanitiser and an amalgamation of medicines welcomed me as I entered Holy Life Hospital. I was trembling with shock when I relayed the patient's name to the receptionist. She told me the ward number and I rushed to the elevator before it closed with a few people inside. A kindred soul held the door for me as I entered, muttering thanks. The lift reached the third floor and I got out along with the others. I walked along the corridor, reading the room numbers one by one. When I reached 308, my hands shook before I opened the door. Taking deep breaths, I opened it. Immediately, Nithya looked up from the bed. She was apparently going to lie down again, but my appearance stopped her.

'Chan, I...'

'Don't speak anything,' I said, as I settled on the chair beside the bed. Nithya's left hand was still attached to the drips under the Venflon. And then I noticed the bandage on her wrist. One look at her eyes told me that she was feeling guilty.

'I'd like to explain to you, Chan. If not me, who else is going to disprove the selfish act I did?'

'It wasn't selfish, Nithi. Don't you go blaming yourself for everything?' I replied softly. All she needed was my support and understanding, and I was going to give her just that.

'Cutting myself was a selfish act. Why didn't I think about my parents? After all-all-all that they have done for me, being supportive of every shit I wanted in my life, they deserve to ha-ha-have their daughter beside them. I shouldn't have done it.'

'Relax, Nithi. This is not the time to stress yourself. What's happened has happened. Let's see where to go from here.'

'Aren't you angry with me that I cu-cut myself? Any other friend at this place would have blasted me.'

'No, I am not angry. I am rather aggrieved. Why don't you realise that I am always there for you? It all takes just one call to talk about how you are feeling and what you plan to do to yourself. I would have surely dissuaded you from doing it. Nithi, you have supportive souls around you, amidst this highly judgemental society. Look at my mom. She is still that orthodox 70s-born lady whose life has frozen behind a box in the 90s. She is never gonna snap out of her narrow mindset. But look at your mom. She is a wonderful human being who knows about the right parenting. She is a role model for many mothers out there. You should have spoken to her at least. By the way, where is she?'

'She's just gone out to buy some fruits for me. I don't feel like eating anything other than fruits. You continue speaking.'

'Yes, my point is, reach out to your people. They are the close ones who can understand you without any judgment. I am rather disgruntled that you had to go through this alone. Look, nothing and no one is worth risking your life for. You understand?'

Nithya nodded in affirmation. I continued, 'Okay, now tell me everything.'

'I...I was feeling inadequate, Chan. All of a sudden I felt all these walls closing up on me. My chest felt heavy as if gargoyles were debating about who was pressing better. I was getting sucked into this blackhole of madness just before I fetched the knife and gave myself one nasty slash.'

My eyes began filling up with tears, as soon as I heard it. If someone as bohemian as Nithya could do this to herself, what about partially caged birds like me? I have felt suicidal a couple of times, but then I decided that I should live and put up a fight till I achieve what I truly want. It was always me against this monotonous lifestyle. I wanted to be alive and kicking, to disembark from this dullsville existence.

I prodded Nithya to continue as I couldn't speak due to the trigger that her experience gave me.

'I feel so guilty, Chan. This is just not me. I have a colourful life. I consider myself as beautiful, inside out, but then I go ahead and do such mean things. Nowadays, I am meeting new people and putting Nishok on the back burner, yet I am haunted by the abuse I went through at the hands of the man I loved the most. I was so much into him that I couldn't process his abuse. I was justifying it to my loved ones. I can't even believe the ordeal I put them through because of my relationship with Nishok. Look, I am still clinging on to what had become of me because of him, but he's enjoying himself out there. Though I have blocked him on all social media, I unblock his profile occasionally and keep a tab on what he is doing. He seems to be enjoying his life, partying and all. But, here I am, harming myself. You know, Chan, I feel that that baby who I miscarried is actually lucky. It shouldn't have been born to such a ruthless human being like Nishok. I am rather happy that he or she escaped from the clutches of an undeserving man.'

As I listened to Nithya, something stirred inside me. I couldn't name the feeling, but it was telling me that everything was going to be okay and that she was going to come out of this stronger than ever.

'Nithi, you know you are such a strong person. Nishok didn't deserve you. All he deserves is himself and his over-the-top egoistic ass. Now that you are meeting new people and making new friends, you will soon get over him. I have that confidence. But, will you promise to call me if you feel like how you felt today?' I held out my hand to her so that she could place hers in mine.

'Yes, Chan, I promise you. I am never going to try such feats again. Now that everything is over, I am terrified of death. I just don't want it right now. I want to live. I want to feel the morning breeze stroke my curls, the golden sun kiss my cheeks, and the chill of Lakshyam make love to me.'

'Ahem, ahem, someone's turning all poetic.' We heard a fruity voice at the door. Turning around, I saw Nithya's mother, Gopika Varma.

'Hi, aunty, how are you?' I asked her.

'I am good da, thank you. How are you?'

She was a well-learned, sophisticated woman, who had this fascinating aura of liveliness around her. Nithya resembled her in looks.

'I am good, aunty. I was just talking to Nithya.'

'Yes, all she needs is someone to talk to her. We are always available, but she is not making use of us. Did you give her a good dose of chiding?'

I chuckled and shook my head.

'No, aunty. I just listened and gave her some non-judgemental support. That is all she needs right now.'

'True, Chandni. She is lucky to have a friend like you. Nithi, I will install a life-size statue of Chandni in your room if you want. In case she is busy and she cannot talk to you, you can share your feelings with that statue. It might not talk back but you will feel better.'

Nithya and I laughed at that. Then I spoke, 'Aunty, I will never be too busy for her. I can't reassure her anymore that I am always there for her.'

'I know, right? Would you like to eat an apple?'

'No, aunty. I have taken permission for one hour to meet her in the hospital. I have to rush to work.'

'Okay, Chandni. Have a good day!' With those words, Gopika aunty attended to the phone that was repeatedly chiming while we were talking. As she moved towards the window and her voice faded in the background, I looked at Nithya and said, 'Okay, I am leaving now. I think I'll take a bus from here to Mangalkulam.'

'That's better, Chan. And, hey, I want to tell you something. As a remedy for what I did, I am going to try my hand at home baking. I tried a few recipes a week ago and they turned out well. So, I think I would make a good cakepreneur,' she chortled.

'Wow! That's amazing! Why don't you make something and send it to me once you get back home? It'd make you take your mind off things, right?'

'Of course, Chan sweetie. I have a special cake recipe just for you.'

'Awww, how touching! I can't wait to devour it.'

After that banter, I stayed a bit more to talk to Gopika aunty. I asked her to keep an eye on Nithya at all times and she reassured me that she'd keep her safe, no matter what.

When I left the hospital, I felt like the cold breeze itself, light and unburdened. I was relieved that Nithya was safe and she had spoken her heart out to me. I didn't question her about who were the 'new people' that she met. I left that topic for another day.

*

My conversation with Nithya reminded me that I should check up on Rohith Kumar. During the lunch break, I sent him a text on WhatsApp.

Me – Hi Rohith, how are you?

He was not online. So, I exited WhatsApp and logged in to Instagram to check the comments I received for my recent violin video. I posted a cover version of the outro of Nadhiye Nadhiye song from Rhythm movie. Three comments were from my friends who were my constant supporters. Four were from followers who I didn't know in person. But all the comments were warm, positive, and delightful. They made me a wee bit joyous. As if prodded by a button, my hands automatically went to the search bar to search for Faneel's profile, but a ping on my WhatsApp stopped me.

Rohith – Hey Chandni, I am doing good. Thanks for asking.

Me – I just wanted to keep a check on you. 😊

Rohith – So nice of you. Thank you, again. Also, music is helping me a lot to get through this tough phase.

Me – Is it? You do know I'm a violinist, right?

Rohith – What? 😲 I don't know. You haven't posted anything about it on Facebook.

Me – Oh, I forgot we're friends only on Facebook. Actually, I post my videos on Insta. You can follow me there.

Rohith – Sure, Chandni. I am eager to listen to you play.

Me – I hope you love it. 😊

Rohith replied with a thumbs up. Feeling comforted by the fact that he was doing good, I came out of the lunch room and went back to work. Just then, Faneel came out of his cabin. Immediately, all my senses became alert. His mere presence was enough for my heart to perform a ballet dance every day. Though I couldn't find out whether he had a crush on me too, I still revelled in the bittersweetness of all this. He was walking around the branch, texting someone on his phone. With a jolt, I realised that he might already have a girlfriend.

How can I find it out? My mind went berserk with how to get information about his relationship status. A moment later, he laughed, his eyes still glued to his phone. I looked at him quizzically. He then realised that I was staring at him and he was supposed to give me an explanation for his impromptu laughter.

'Well, umm...it was a joke about singles.'

'What singles?'

'Hey, I am single, ma. You seriously didn't get that?'

My heart somersaulted with joy (though it shouldn't because there was no point in having this baseless crush when I was already engaged to someone else) before I replied, 'Of course, I got it. So, it was a meme?'

'Yeah, kind of.'

There it was. That aloofness. I don't know why he'd close himself up when he knew that he could continue the conversation and talk to me about anything. Maybe it was Malarkodi's presence that bothered him.

But, he did not schmooze with me even during Malarkodi's absence. Something must be bothering him to not open up to me. Maybe, he is just maintaining a professional relationship. Or, maybe he doesn't want to befriend an engaged woman and develop feelings for her unnecessarily.

I got goosebumps just thinking about it. While something was forming in my heart, something else was breaking too.

*

29.06.2019 (Saturday)

Alaapana Music Academy in Urivaloor was the biggest music academy in Jwalamukh Hills. It looked like a mini-mansion in greystone architecture, aesthetically set amidst sprawling trees all around. There were two floors – the ground floor had three rooms where drums, guitar, and keyboard were taught respectively and the second floor had three rooms where violin, flute, and veena were taught respectively. There was a small tuck shop on the terrace which sold beverages and snacks. At a plot next to the academy, construction was going on to extend the academy for other musical instruments and Carnatic vocal classes.

I climbed the steps to the second floor, holding my maroon violin case in my right hand and adjusting my sweater in my left hand. They taught violin in the main hall, while the medium-sized rooms were used for flute and veena. I placed my case on a table and opened it. Then I brought out my beautiful brown wooden violin along with a bow. Turning the pegs, I tuned each string to the right pitch. Then, mounting the violin atop my left shoulder, I held the bow in my right hand and played a tune to check whether the pitching was right. My violin teacher, Vinodhini Rajkumar, strode towards me with a warm smile.

'Hi, Chandni. Today I am going to teach Varnam in Hamsadhwani raga. Where are Isabella and Durga?'

'They are on their way, ma'am. They just called me to tell me that they were cleaning one of the potholes in their street and they had to take a diversion.'

'Okay, let's wait for them.'

With that, she moved to speak to the other students. There was a total of ten of them in level 4. The hall smelled of sandalwood. At a corner, there stood a RO water can and a steel tumbler was placed head-first on top of it. The walls were filled with portraits of popular Carnatic violin artists, information charts about tuning the violin, and some interesting facts about violin music and its benefits.

Isabella and Durga entered the room together. The former was a dusky and hefty 24-year-old woman, while the latter was a beige-skinned, petite 23-year-old woman. Despite being a Christian, Isabella took an interest in Carnatic violin music, though her parents wanted her to learn Western keyboard. She always looked chic in different Western wear, caked her face in thick makeup, and used a lot of slang words while she spoke. Durga hailed from a Tamil Brahmin family. So, music was an important component of their lives. Since she wasn't interested in singing, she joined the violin class to satiate her thirst for learning Carnatic music. She also looked stylish as she let her hair loose, but her dresses were confined to Kurtis and leggings.

'Hi, Chandni!' They chorused in unison.

'Hi, Bella. Hi, Durga.'

Soon, we took our places in our seats, mounted our violins, and readied our bows. Vinodhini relayed the tuning to us before moving on to play the opening notes of the Varnam. We listened to it in rapt attention. A few minutes later, we were playing the Pallavi of the Varnam, sometimes making mistakes and sometimes getting our tunes right. After half an hour, we took a break. Since it was 5.30 in the evening, Isabella suggested that we have a cup of tea before proceeding to the next session.

We went to the tuck shop and ordered ginger tea. We settled in one of the tables that had three chairs around it. As we were sipping our teas, I noticed Durga flashing sly smiles at Isabella.

'What's up, girls?' I asked them, my voice in a mock stern tone.

'Umm...nothing, absolutely nothing,' Durga suppressed a smile.

'If there was nothing, you wouldn't be smiling like idiots.'

'Okay, cool, Chandni. You know...' Isabella started while entwining her palm with Durga's. I looked at them puzzlingly, as they continued to put off whatever it was that they wanted to tell me.

'Yes, come on, quick! We haven't got the whole evening, Bella,' I cracked my knuckles impatiently.

'We are in a relationship,' Durga put forth.

'What?' I couldn't process it for a minute.

'Durga and I are in a relationship,' Isabella repeated.

Though I shouldn't be stunned at such a revelation, my face defied me. I stood there like a nincompoop, not knowing what to say. The girls were expecting me to react, but all I could do was stare. And, then, I realised that I was acting like a retard.

'Wow! Congratulations!' I blurted out with a toothy smile.

'Thank you! But, seriously, aren't you having questions?' asked Isabella.

'What do you want me to ask?'

'Like, how can a woman and a woman be in a relationship and blah blah blah?'

'No! I mean, no. I wouldn't ask such stupid questions. Come on, we are in 2019. I know a bit about the LGBT community. In fact, I supported the decision of the court when they scraped off section 377. So, please don't misunderstand me. It was...It was just a shock to me when you revealed it so suddenly. I mean, I was oblivious to the love growing between you two. I should have known already.'

Once again, I was reminded of the argument I had with Rohith Kumar regarding the Section 377 issue. Actually, whenever I came across an article about LGBTQ rights or anything related to them, that argument would pop up in my mind. I so wanted to put it behind me and forge a good friendship with Rohith. Who knows? He might have changed his views.

'Ufff! I thought you were one of the traditional people who trust that things should happen as it has always happened in nature,' Durga heaved a sigh of relief.

'Hey, come on, I am happy for you both. We should love whoever we want to. Love is always love. We cannot help not falling in love with a particular person because society doesn't accept it. No, we should love freely.'

Isabella whistled and replied, 'Thank you, Chandni, for accepting us. We haven't revealed this to anyone else, but I told Durga that you'd be someone who could listen to us without judging us or demeaning our love. You have proved your worth.' She then placed her empty tea cup on the table and held my hand.

I beamed at them. They were perfect for each other even as friends. So, it was no wonder that they'd make the perfect couple too. But I was afraid, thinking about how their families would react. Though Isabella's family was a bit modern, they'd still not accept their daughter being a lesbian. As for Durga's family, she'd be minced meat before she could even finish her confession. Hailing from a strict Brahmin family that followed even minute traditions and customs, it was rather brave of her to fall in love with a woman. That means she was ready to fight. And, I loved them both for conspiring their relationship to happen, despite it being a forbidden one in their families.

We gave back the cups to the shopkeeper, paid him the bill, and went down to continue learning the Varnam. Vinodhini thought that we were a bunch of quick learners. So, she left us to have fun for the last ten minutes. We began to try playing the popular violin interlude of Kadhale Kadhale from 96. After those ten minutes, we kind of perfected it. We promised each other that we'd send videos of our home practice sessions. Soon, we dispersed and headed to our respective homes.

At my home, Madhu was blasting Dating from Boys on Alexa. Though I loved all genres of songs, I felt that the volume was high and Madhu had this precocious way of listening to music on thundering decibels. Our parents had gone out, so she found the perfect opportunity to rule the house as she liked.

'For God's sake, lessen the volume, Madhu!' I hollered to no vain before opening the door of our room and banging it shut to drown out the beats.

However, once inside my room, I placed my violin case inside the cupboard carefully, stood in front of the mirror, and began dancing as I heard the singers go 'do that thing you like to do...do it let me win your heart...let me never stop and let me start...all I wanna do is win your heart...'

I danced till the last notes of the song. Just then, Madhu barged inside the room.

'Ewww, what were you doing?' she asked me, looking at me from head to toe.

'Dancing to that damn song!'

'It's not a damn song. It's an ARR song. Don't you quote it as damn.'

'I love that song, okay? But it was your volume that put me off.'

'Still, you danced, right? So, fuck off!'

'You eff off!' I retorted.

'Oh, so domesticated, uh? Not using the exact swear word.'

'I'll use it when I need to. I am not that pissed right now. So, I mellowed it a bit.'

'Oh, I see. Okay, get your ass off the bed. I am going to clean out my clothes shelf.'

'Do it tomorrow when I go to violin class. Right now, I am going to freshen up and start my practice again.'

'This is my territory as much as it is yours.'

'Arrrggghhh! Madhu, I am in no mood to fight with you. Do whatever you want.'

I took my violin case out of the cupboard and went to the living room to practice. Since we had the house to ourselves, I could practice anywhere. Getting into an argument with Madhu was the last thing on my mind.

'By the way,' Madhu peeped inside the living room. She wasn't going to let it go. 'How is your new and hot boss Faneel?'

'Madhuuu...Can't you just shut up? He is not hot. And you shouldn't be speaking about him in this way.'

'Hey, I am fancying him.'

A mischievous grin formed on her lips. She slid inside the living room, challenging me to speak back.

'How stupid of you! You are just 22 and he is 28. You want to fancy a man six years older than you?'

'Why not? He is kinda cool. I can see that he's modern too.'

'Madhu, why don't you go and fancy college-going boys of your age instead of fancying men who are bosses of insurance companies?' I attempted to mock her.

'My fancy, my wish. None of your business. So, tell me, how is he? My lovey-dovey Faneel?'

'He is pretty good. And, yeah, yesterday he asked me if I could marry him. He didn't know that I was already engaged. So, yeah, I told him the truth and he looked heartbroken,' I deadpanned.

For a moment, Madhu believed that it was true. Her expression was indecipherable, but there was no disbelief on her face.

'Well...well, that's great! I mean, I didn't really fancy him, you know. I just wanted to pull your leg, Akka. But it's good to know that you were proposed to. That too in such a short time. I think it's not even a month since he joined. But he's smitten by you within that-'

I couldn't hold it any longer. I guffawed uncontrollably, almost rolling on the floor in amusement.

'Huh? That was a lie? Idiot!' She wanted to throw something at me but couldn't find anything nearby. Instead, she made faces at me and stomped out of the room.

She was Madhu, the practical millennial. She wouldn't fancy someone whom she hadn't even met. But the lie which I wove kindled something inside me. Just thinking about Faneel proposing to me made me go nuts, what would happen if he really did it, despite knowing that I'm engaged?

You are an asshole to even think about it! I bullied myself in my mind.