10.06.2019

My office looked brighter. I was not exaggerating, but it did look different from the previous days. Maybe my mind was amplifying even the simple things. I entered the manager’s room and greeted Faneel.

‘Good morning, madam,’ he replied in a singsong tone.

Though it felt awkward being addressed as ‘madam’ by a man who was three years elder than me, he was still my boss and I had to bear listening to it.

Throughout the day, Faneel called Malarkodi and me through the intercom and asked for doubts regarding many things. Sometimes, it felt good to listen to his voice. He spoke English with a foreign accent. I couldn’t figure out how or why he had gotten that accent.

When it was lunch break, he came out of his cabin, fiddling with his mobile phone. He then received a call from someone and switched to a language that sounded like Greek and Latin to me. As he was talking, he meandered aimlessly around the branch, observing all the notice boards and announcements. He hung up after a few minutes and walked towards my cabin.

‘Chandni madam, do you know any good restaurants nearby?’

‘Yes, of course. But you need not go out to eat. You can order online through Good Foodie.’

‘What’s that?’

‘It’s an app like Swiggy and Zomato. Since those companies can’t come to our hills, we have our own food delivery company named Good Foodie.’

‘Wow, marvellous! What are the areas they deliver?’

‘All over Jwalamukh Hills.’

‘Okay, I’m downloading the app. Tell me the restaurants’ names.’

‘What do you prefer? Veg or non-veg?’

‘Non-veg, of course!’

‘Then you can order from Honeydaze. I think they also have Nepalese cuisine.’

Faneel looked at me as if I had splashed cold water on him.

‘What? Really?’ he asked, not believing me completely.

‘Yes,’ I replied, matching his tone.

‘Wow! That's amazing then!’ He almost jumped up in joy.

His enthusiasm got to me. I could feel his excitement deep within me as if my entire being was tethered to his soul. I slapped my forehead when he turned away from me and got back to my work.

After a few minutes, he came to my place again.

‘God, Chandni, thank you! I ordered my favourite dish - Thukpa.’

‘What is it, sir?’

‘It’s a kind of noodle soup made with egg, chickpeas, beans, tofu, kidney beans, and gram. It’s also a little spicy. I love it so much that I could have it every day.’

‘Oh, that sounds amazing! My favourite food is chicken biryani. I can have it every day.’

Stupid Chandni! He didn’t ask you about your favourites. Why are you volunteering information about yourself? My alter-ego chided me.

Faneel smiled and replied, ‘I love chicken biryani too, but not to the extreme. And hey, how did you know that Honeydaze offered Nepalese cuisine?’

‘I know everything about Mangalkulam. Which hotel offers which cuisine, I know everything.’

‘That’s nice! Maybe I could use your help while I navigate through these hills.’

I smiled at him, all the while wondering whether he wanted to hang out with me. If that was the case, it’d take months before we could hang out as friends. Though he was a nice person, I needed to be able to trust him.

Wanting to prolong the conversation, I asked him, ‘Where do you stay?’

‘Niranjana Apartments in Lakshyam. It’s provided by our company. They pay my rent.’

‘Yeah, advantages of being an officer,’ I grinned.

He grinned back before he moved on to do his next work.

It felt good to talk to him in English, which was our common language. Malarkodi struggled with her fluency, but Faneel could understand Tamil well. So, she took advantage of it and conversed with him in Tamil whenever there was a need for her to talk.

*

Two days passed by without any major incidents. On a Wednesday, I encountered a troublesome customer. He was Adithya Menon, a high net-worth customer with a ridiculous demand. We had a life insurance policy that paid out some interest to the customer at quarterly intervals. Adithya wanted the interest to be sent to his foreign bank account. I patiently explained that that was not possible as we did not have such a facility. Immediately, he flared up.

‘How can you tell like that? Of course, you must be having a facility to help high-net-worth individuals like me.’

‘Sir, we do provide lots of special services for high-net-worth customers, but this demand is not available right now.’

‘So, you can’t send the interest to my foreign bank account, right?’

‘Sir, maybe you can…’

‘Why are you running an insurance company if you can’t provide such a basic service? This is so annoying! I come from London to sort out this issue and you give me such a lethargic answer.’

‘Sir, I am telling you the truth. There’s no such facility available. Maybe we can help you with the interest in some other way.’ I struggled hard to keep my cool. Unlike Malarkodi, I don’t lose patience at the drop of a hat.

‘Oh, you have a better alternative? I’d like to know about that,’ Adithya folded his arms across his chest and challenged me.

By then, I knew I was in a fix. But I also knew that the only way to ‘fix’ the issue was to escalate it.

‘Sorry, sir, but I think you need to talk to the branch manager.’

Adithya scratched his chin, clearly put off by the escalation. Then, he spoke, ‘Sure, I can.’

With those words, he stood up. I quickly realised that Faneel needed to be notified about his visit. So, I called him on the intercom.

‘Yeah, madam, what’s happening over there?’

I switched to speaking in Hindi. ‘He is demanding something that we don’t provide. Can I send him inside?’

‘Yeah, send him in.’

‘Will you be able to manage?’

‘I can, ma. Just send him in.’

Ma? Where did he get that from? Maybe he’s been in Tamilnadu for so many years that he absorbed our mannerisms.

‘Okay, sir. I’ll ask him to meet you.’ I hung up and signalled for Adithya to go meet Faneel.

I don’t know what transpired between them. But twenty minutes later, Adithya left the branch and Faneel came out of his cabin, looking hassled.

As soon as he saw me, he broke out into peals of laughter. I laughed along with him. Adithya Menon became our private joke right then. Malarkodi didn’t know what exactly happened, but she too joined in the laughter.

‘I warned you, didn’t I?’ I chortled.

‘Yeah, you did. But I deserve this. I should know about the troublesome customers too, right?’

‘Of course, you should,’ quipped Malarkodi.

There she was. The ultimate nose-poker. She didn’t have a picture of the full issue, yet she wanted to contribute something to our conversation.

‘Well, I am off to have my lunch. Probably, I’ll come back with full energy to deal with more troublesome customers,’ chuckled Faneel.

It surprised me that he was cool about the entire episode. Another manager would have ended up flustered with a customer like Adithya. Maybe he or she would have even given me a piece of their mind for sending the customer to the manager’s room. But Faneel handled Adithya subtly and I admired him for that attitude. 

In a short while, Ravi Anna offered our evening beverages. Faneel came back from the lunchroom.

‘See, we are having tea, but you had your lunch just now. Poor eating habits, sir,’ I commented like an old friend, not even realizing that I was crossing the line.

‘Hey, you know what? I barely eat anything for breakfast. Just a glass of non-alcoholic Chhang would suffice. Or I might gulp any other smoothie. But I just can’t get food inside my stomach in the morning, hahaha.’

I laughed too, relieved that he wasn’t pointing out to me that I had commented about something personal. ‘Hmmm, that’s okay, to each his own,’ I said.

‘By the way, how do you know Hindi?’

‘I just learnt it out of interest. I have completed till Rashtrabasha.’

‘Wonderful!’ He thundered, while his eyes locked with mine for a fleeting second.

What’s that in his eyes? Admiration? My thoughts began. I brushed them off as soon as they came. Meanwhile, Faneel began chatting with Malarkodi regarding some policies and I warned myself to concentrate only on my work.

But then, I just did the opposite. I turned and looked at Faneel. Something about him triggered something in me. I just couldn’t place the feeling well. Then he burst into laughter at something that Malarkodi said. My insides tightened with an unnamable feeling.

*

Having kulfi in Tagha was like walking straight into a freezer box, dead and blanched. You might end up with a nasty cold if you aren’t a local of the hills. But, for Nithya and I, the kulfi liberated us from all our worries. We could have had our regular chocolate tea with steamed corn, but we just had to cool down our hot heads that were crammed with work stress and unnecessary woes. We sat on the plastic stools that were placed outside the ice cream parlour.

‘I had an improvement yesterday at the therapy. I reached out to Sheila rather than cocooning myself with my dark thoughts,’ chuntered Nithya as we feasted on our kulfis. She had coloured some of her curls a shade of golden brown which suited her well.

‘That’s nice, Nithi. What kind of thoughts did you have?’

‘Well, I imagined pushing Nishok in front of the train.’

‘That’s not a dark thought,’ I sneered.

‘Yes, I know, it’s not. But still I - I - I shouldn’t be having such thoughts.’

I placed my palm on her left hand, which was shaking a bit. ‘Nithi, it’s okay. These thoughts are normal. You had a miscarriage because your abusive boyfriend pushed you during a fight. It’s a lot to go through. I mean, I’d have collapsed completely if I had been in your place. But you pulled through it. You are stronger than anyone I have ever met.’

Nithya adjusted her glasses because a tear made its way down her cheek. She rubbed it off with the back of her palm.

‘I am sorry, Chan. I shouldn’t be doing this when we are supposed to be having a good time.’ Her amber eyes were tinged with shades of regret and helplessness.

‘Hey, come on, what am I here for? To listen to you. I always meet you so that I can lend a patient ear and have your back. Why do I feel that texting and calling are not enough? I want to see you face-to-face so that you know that I’m always there for you.’

As I said that, she looked at me and broke into the most charming smile ever. I couldn’t imagine that someone would abuse such a compassionate woman who looked beautiful from every angle.

‘You know, every time Nishok hit me, I’d blame myself. I’d think that if I did things right, he wouldn’t be hitting me. Now it’s horrid to imagine my subservience. What’s worse is all my relatives and neighbourhood aunties foul-mouthed me. Suddenly, I became a bad influence on all their kids. I was this unmarried woman who had a miscarriage and also left her boyfriend with whom she was li-li-living together.’ Her voice became choked with tears and her stutters turned worse as she spoke.

I proceeded to offer some words of consolation.

‘Nithi, it’s you who will live your life, not those neighbourhood aunties. You have to keep that in mind always. People speak when they have nothing else to do. They did not go through your trauma. You know yourself better than anyone else.’

‘I agree with everything you say, Chan. But I just can’t ignore their scornful stares whenever I pass by their houses.’

‘Then try a different route. Come on, Lakshyam has a couple of other roads that connect to the bus stop. You need not pass by them.’

Nithya cracked up at that. I felt lightheaded listening to her chuckles. Somehow, I snapped her out of her gloom.

We had almost finished our kulfis when I heard someone calling out to me.

‘Chandu!’

It was my mom. No one else called me ‘Chandu’. It was either Chandni or Chan.

‘Ma, what are you doing here?’ I stood up. She was wearing an olive-green cotton saree topped with her usual hot-pink sweater. She spoke as she ambled towards us.

‘I went to get the ironed clothes from Murugesan. Having kulfis, uh?’ She scanned me disapprovingly from top to bottom. I knew that her annoyance was not because of the kulfis, but because of Nithya. Yet, she forced a smile at her and asked her, ‘Hi, Nithi ma, how are you?’

‘I am good, aunty. How are you?’

‘All good. Chandu, can we leave? Are you done?’ Her voice was rather stern. I couldn’t fathom why she would behave strangely all of a sudden.

‘Ma, gimme a minute.’

I rushed to pay the parlour man, whose smile told me I should stop by frequently.

‘Nithi, I’ll call you after dinner. I am sorry, okay?’ I murmured.

‘Hey, why are you apologizing?’ She whispered conspiratorially. 

‘I’d have stayed if Ma hadn’t come. Now I can’t stay anymore.’ We continued speaking in hushed tones.

‘I understand, Chan. Let’s talk later.’

‘How will you go now?’

‘I’ll take the bus, don’t worry.’

‘Okay, take care.’

I bid her farewell and joined my mom. As we walked towards our house, I glared at her.

‘Ma, why would you do that?’

‘Do what?’

‘Act as if Nithya is an alien. That too, in front of her.’

‘Chandu, I know she is your best friend, but I don’t approve of your friendship with her. Especially, after what she went through, she shouldn’t be hanging out with other unmarried women, adulterating their brains with her nonsensical lifestyle.’

‘What the hell are you talking about?’

‘Hmmm? What else? She is such a bad influence. Always-’

‘Ma!’ I interrupted her, my voice raising two notches higher. As she stared at me, I began my rigmarole.

‘Ma, I don’t know much about the unconventional way of living. I wanted to live like that, for your information. But, as usual, I got sucked into this monotony, because you and dad weren’t thinking outside the shoebox that you were in. You still aren’t. Maybe that’s why Madhu and I don’t have the clarity that we need to have. You both confuse us with your narrow-minded ideals that have conditioned us to think this is what life is. But, Ma, this is not how you should want other people to live. Their lives are different. They have gone out of their comfort zones to carve an identity for themselves. They have left relationships that aren’t working out and have become independent. Trust me, they are clear about what they want and how to lead their lives happily. It’s us, the varnished ones, that are always oscillating between things that aren’t meant for us. We become catacombs for the identities that we kill so that we become the dolls that you want us to be…’

‘Mind what you talk, Chandu,’ she intervened. ‘We are normal people. And normal people are the ones who lead peaceful lives. All those weirdos out there always end up with mental health issues.’

That stunned me into silence. I couldn’t digest the fact that my mom would deride mental health issues. By then, we had reached our home. I took a few minutes to compose myself and then spoke slowly.

‘Ma, I wish I’d be truly happy in this normal and peaceful life that you have designed for me because there are chances of it getting screwed up due to various other issues. What if my mental health goes haywire then? I am sure I will not have your back. Thanks for letting me know that you wouldn’t give a damn about your children’s mental health.’

With that, I entered my room and slammed the door shut. I was seething by then. Afraid that I might throw things around, I threw myself on my bed and cried into my pillow.

‘Chandu, Chandu…’

My mom kept calling me, but I did not heed her calls. That was not the first time I had argued with her. More than my sister, I was always at loggerheads with my mom over different things. Though dad supported mom most of the time, he softened up to me later by trying to look at things from my perspective. But, voicing out opinions in my home was like walking on eggshells all the time.

*

15.06.2019

My heart pounded like it knew something ominous was in store for me. Only that it wasn’t ominous. It was a face. The most charismatic face I have ever seen in recent times. 

‘Good morning, madam,’ Faneel greeted in his usual harmonious voice.

‘Good morning, sir.’ 

Malarkodi was on leave. So it was just me and him. I don’t know why, but the feeling of only the two of us in the office gave me that fluttery feeling in my stomach. I will not say that I couldn’t fathom the reason for my feelings because I knew very well what was happening to me. 

Last night, I realised that I was beginning to have a massive crush on Faneel. All he had to do was exist, be kind to everyone, smile and laugh a lot, keep talking to some senior officer or a friend or a family member on the phone, and listen to a potpourri of English songs on Spotify after we closed the office. But I just couldn’t stop thinking about him.

As I was revelling in my thoughts, I felt something tighten around my finger. Instinctively, I knew what it was.

The engagement ring.

It was as if it was trying to tell me that my commitment should only be with one man (who I didn’t truly love in the first place) and that it cursed me enough to not even have a crush on a kindred soul. It was making me realize that I was being bewitched, but I couldn’t help it. And I could feel it pressing into my skin so that I’d bleed out whatever I was beginning to harbour for another man.

The entire day passed by with Faneel frequently coming to my place for small talk. I noticed that he was extra jubilant when it was just me in the office. Of course, Ravi Anna was always present. He rarely took a day off. But that didn’t stop Faneel from chatting with me about different topics. It didn’t help my already worked-up soul. It just elevated my pulse rate every time he looked at me with those ebony eyes.

Chandni, get a grip on yourself. Quick! Turn your thoughts to Avinash. Think about all the good times that you shared with him. 

Immediately my mind escalated to an image of Avinash and me naked on the bed, performing everything except penetrative sex. 

Woah! Where did that come from? Does that mean those bed sessions were the only good times I had with him?

No, they weren’t that great, to be honest. Maybe the real good times were the ones that happened while we hung out just after the engagement. But I couldn’t conjure up images of those things. All I could think about was how Faneel’s veins protruded on his soft hands while he typed on the keyboard.

Shiva, shiva! Please get me out of this unwanted whirlpool.

However, my pleas never fell on Lord Shiva’s ears. I was vacillating towards a magnet that was sure enough to destroy and save me at the same time.