Avinash was quite surprised to see me there, that too along with a strange Nepali man. I never told him that we got a new branch manager in June because I was afraid that he might sense my growing feelings for Faneel. But now I had no choice. He dismounted from his bike and walked towards us.

'Hi, Avi,' I greeted him, reluctantly.

'Hey, Chandni. What are you doing here? And who is this?'

My mind screamed that this was a definite red flag. If he had stopped with the first question, I would have answered him with what I was doing there and introduced Faneel by myself. But he had asked the second question, wanting to know whether I was fooling around with him. That much was evident from his tone.

'Avi, this is Faneel, my branch manager,'

'Oh hi, Faneel,' Avinash extended his hand for a shake. Faneel shook it gently, saying, 'Hello.'

'Faneel sir, this is Avinash, my fiance.'

As if to show off that I belonged only to him, Avinash put his left arm around my shoulder. I winced a bit. Faneel noticed my uneasy expression and turned away. I couldn't figure out what made him uncomfortable. I had assumed that he didn't feel the same way about me as I did about him, but there were subtle signs that showed me the existence of some feelings. Also, the other day he was concerned about my life, asking me whether I was happy with my engagement to Avinash.

'Avi, we have to go. We are distributing sweets and savouries to some clients,' I excused myself.

'Oh okay,' he let go of me. 'Bye, Faneel. It was nice meeting you.'

'Nice meeting you too, Avinash,' responded Faneel politely.

After Avinash left, an awkward silence fell between Faneel and me. But then I broke the ice by joking about Malarkodi's tactics to lessen her workload. Somehow, we reached the last client's address. It was a pharmacy. The shopboy asked us to wait and then called his boss on the phone. He then pointed us to the basement.

'Just get down and take the room to your left. That is his cabin.'

We thanked him and began descending the steps. I spotted a huge lizard on the wall. Though it was just still when we were a few feet away from it, it suddenly moved and I let out a shriek. In that commotion, I held Faneel's arm. He always wore long-sleeved formal shirts which he would button at his wrist. But he had rolled it till his elbow during lunch. So, when I caught his arm, I could feel his veins on his soft skin. As if electrocuted, I removed my palm immediately.

'Sorry, sir,' I blurted.

'Hey, it's okay. Come,' he beckoned me to go in the front so that he could shoo away the lizard. Though I would have shooed it away by myself, I couldn't move my limbs due to touching Faneel.

I couldn't even replay the moment in my mind because we had already reached our stipulated time of one hour and feared that Malarkodi would be cross with us.

However, that night, I fantasized about Faneel for the first time. I imagined his tender palms caressing all over my body and his lips stroking my cheeks and neck. Then I imagined his hands fondling my breasts, circling and pinching my nipples, his fingers drawing shapes on my belly, feeling up my thighs, and finally letting two of them inside my love-hole. Then I imagined his taste, how his essence would feel on my tongue, what it would invoke deep inside me. I let my fantasy trail in that manner, even imagining his tongue lapping up my juices. I finally ended it with me riding him like there was no tomorrow, my eyes rolling up towards heaven, my lips moaning 'Faneel, Faneeeeelllll, I love you...' till I burst up like a fountain.

I felt ashamed about it later because fantasizing meant I was just attracted to him, but, my God, that was the best orgasm I had in the past few years. To be honest, I slept with Arjun once. That was my first time. It wasn't that great as we fumbled and struggled for the major part. I didn't dare to do it with Avinash, though he was craving for it sometimes. As I had mentioned earlier, it included everything other than actual sex. But this guilt of fantasizing about Faneel was eating me.

It's okay, Chandni. Don't beat yourself up for this. It's perfectly normal to fantasize about the person we love.

I only had my reassurances which weren't science-backed.

*

29.10.2019

The effects of Diwali were still in the air of Mangalkulam as I walked towards my office. Though the mornings would be covered in mist, today it was mixed with smoke too, the hazy fog left by the firecrackers. After all the pleasantries to Faneel, Malarkodi, and Ravi Anna, I settled in my place and logged into my company's portal. One of our clients, Santhosh Choudhary, gave us a box of imported chocolate the day before. So, Ravi Anna started distributing the chocolates.

When I tasted one of them, I was taken to heaven at that moment. The piece of delicacy melted in my mouth; there was a blend of roasted almonds, sugar, and a bit of creamy caramel. I wanted to have more but was ashamed to ask for it. So, I kept mum and texted Nithya – Just had the best chocolate ever.

All the towns in Jwalamukh Hills sold homemade chocolates but this was something that blew my mind. Faneel came out of his cabin, his voice tinged with a streak of ecstasy, 'Oh my God! That was the best chocolate I had ever tasted. Didn't you feel that too, Chandni madam?'

'Of course, it was so yummy,' quipped Malarkodi.

Faneel looked at me stealthily and I too flashed a knowing glance at him. We smiled conspiratorially. Malarkodi was used to giving her opinions without us asking her for them. So, Faneel traipsed to my seat and asked me by lowering his voice a bit, 'How did you feel about the chocolate?'

My mind wished to say, it was heavenly, but it would be ethereal if I licked it off from your lips. Maybe I was reeling from the effects of the orgasm I had three days before, but then I gave him a proper reply.

'I thought I had tasted a piece of heaven. Is there any more of it?'

'Awww, I wish I stopped Ravi Anna from distributing them to the security guard and the members of the office on the first floor.'

'It's okay, sir. I can do without it too, haha.'

Faneel tittered and I admired his smiling face for a minute before going back to my work.

Two days later, when I had forgotten all about the chocolate, something happened regarding it. I was furiously typing away a late premium payment letter when Faneel approached my seat.

'Hey,' he called out to me, his hands holding a box and his face lighting up like a thousand-watt bulb.

'Hey,' I copied him, though my voice was devoid of the excitement that he was feeling.

'Look what I have got for you!' He placed the box on my desk.

'What in the world...' I started.

'Yes, it's that Swiss chocolate which we loved two days ago.'

Thankfully, Malarkodi was not present to observe this exchange. She had left early because her daughter got the flu and she had to be at home for her.

'How...how did you get hold of this?'

'I asked Santhosh Choudhary about it. He told me that he had a few more boxes left and didn't know what to do with them. So, he called me over, if I needed one. Since you wanted to taste more of it, I got it for you. Now, we can taste different types of chocolates from the assortment.'

I was stunned. Faneel made the effort to get me a box of chocolates because I loved it. No one had ever done such a thing for me, not even my best friends. I felt overwhelmed with emotions. When I picked the first chocolate to eat, my hands were shaking with unexpressed gratitude.

Only after swallowing the first piece, I thanked him, 'Thank you, Faneel sir. Thank you so much.'

'Hey, this is nothing, ma. Just getting the box from Santhosh Choudhary doesn't make me a hero. I should have searched for it, bought it, and have it transported to Mangalkulam so that you could have tasted it.'

Is he flirting with me? My mind suddenly became alert. But his face didn't display any emotions of flirtatious behaviour. So, I left it at that. Thanking him once again, I reached for the next piece of chocolate. He was also having some of them. In between, we gave a few to Ravi Anna too.

It was just a simple moment – office colleagues sharing a box of chocolates while there were no customers around, but it held a lot of meaning for me.

*

'Chandni, I have got your laptop back,' my dad, Indrajith Ravikumar, strode inside the bedroom, the laptop safely ensconced under his armpit. He dislodged it from there and handed it to me.

'Thank you, Pa,' I said, booting the laptop on simultaneously.

My dad lingered on in case I wanted to speak anything else. But I had nothing to say to him. Nothing of importance, anyway. Things have always happened between us in silence. Right from my education to my job to my engagement with Avinash, everything progressed without having to say anything. All I had to do was stay silent so that there wasn't a tornado at home.

I entered the password, clicked on This PC, and then selected my personal drive. Since I had to format the hard drive, I transferred all my files to Nithya's laptop and sent the hard drive to be serviced too. Nithya uploaded all my files to a shared folder in Google Drive so that I could access them. I logged into the Drive too. Soon, the transfers to my formatted drive were in progress. Meanwhile, I fiddled with my mobile phone and replied to a few comments on Instagram.

After the file transfer finished, I clicked on my hard drive to check if everything was in order. As I was going through the files, an ominous foreboding filled my heart. Something was amiss. The file named 2016 Compositions was missing. It contained all the violin pieces I composed before joining work in the insurance company. That period saw me at my creative best because I composed seven pieces that I decided to use in later albums. Those compositions made me want to fight with my parents regarding their practice of determining what is best for me. Because they metaphorically screamed at me to not join the rat race, but to become a full-time violinist.

'Where is it? Oh my God, where is it?' I mumbled to myself while going through each folder and subfolder.

Half an hour later, I realised my blunder. I had temporarily moved the folder to the local drive on the laptop so that I could easily access the compositions whenever I needed to listen to them to put in some reworks. But, instead of using copy and paste, I had used cut and paste. My lips quivered at the dreadful realisation, as my breaths turned quicker. Holding my chest, I slouched down on the bed, reaching for the bottle of water on the bedside table.

After a few sips, I caught my cheeks between my palms and clawed at them, but I couldn't stop the sobs. I let out a huge wail as if bringing the whole house down. My body shook as I cried, gasped, swallowed some of my tears, and slapped my forehead occasionally. The entire laptop was formatted and there was no way I could get my precious compositions back.

Why the hell didn't I back up them? What did I think when I was moving it to the local drive?

As if charged with some unknown energy, I wiped my tears and reopened my personal drive. I was determined to find the folder. I'd do whatever I had to do to retrieve it. Once again, I went through all the folders, maniacally. The search went on for another half an hour before I realised I was late for work. So, I messaged Faneel – Sir, I want permission for an hour. Something came up at my house.

He saw my message after ten minutes and replied – Okay, take care.

Usually, I would reply with a smiley or two to his response, but I was so preoccupied with my search that nothing else mattered. I phoned Nithya in a desperate attempt to salvage whatever was available.

'Nithi, please don't ask me anything. Just answer this. Did you come across any folder titled 2016 Compositions when you uploaded the files to Google Drive?'

'No, I am damn sure. It would have somehow caught my eye. But, nope, I didn't notice any folder with that name. Why? What happened, Chan?'

'I'll talk to you later,' I hung up on her without even listening to her reply. I buried my face in my palms and just sat on my bed for a few minutes, pondering all the what-ifs and possibilities. Nothing helped.

I lost the folder to the realms of technology. It was beyond my reach. Maybe I deserved it after all for my carelessness.

*

When I reached my office, I couldn't even greet Faneel or Malarkodi properly. I slumped down on my seat, logged into the portal, and began my work without looking up from the monitor. Finally, Malarkodi spoke up after a few minutes, 'Chandni, what's the matter? You look so aggrieved.'

'And how did you detect that, madam?' I snapped at her.

'Your eyes are devoid of kohl,' she replied, nonchalantly.

Shit! In my grief of losing my hard work, I forgot all about makeup. But, who cares?

'Yeah, something's troubling me, but can we not talk about it?' I pleaded with her.

'Sure, Chandni. I'll leave you to it.'

From her tone, I deduced that she was rather happy not to prolong the conversation.

After twenty minutes, Faneel came out of his cabin.

'Looks like someone had a bad morning. Is it?' He tapped on my desk. Whatever it was, he was my boss and I was answerable to him.

'Yes, sir. And I am in no mood to talk about it.' Though I felt grumpy, I just couldn't be brusque with him.

'I am sorry,' I continued, meekly.

'That's okay, madam. Continue with your work.' He moved away from my place immediately. I tried to discern whether he was hurt but he seemed rather cool two minutes later. So I didn't feel guilty for my snappy reply.

However, Faneel was someone who didn't want even a puppy at the side of the street to be sad. So, he came to my desk again, but this time he had a bunch of funny cat videos with him.

'Chandni madam, I don't know what your problem is, but I am sure these videos will cheer you up. Come on, just stop your work and watch these.'

He handed me his mobile phone. I felt reluctant to watch them because I was supposed to grieve for my lost compositions, not laugh at some funny videos. But I couldn't refuse Faneel. Not after knowing how much he wanted to cheer me up.

After watching the videos and laughing a bit, I went inside Faneel's cabin to return his mobile phone. He got it from me, looked at me mysteriously, and then said, 'You don't have to talk about it and I didn't want to disturb you too. But this was the least I could do to enliven a...a colleague's day.'

'Thank you very much, sir. It worked,' I finally managed a smile.

Three hours passed by during which I rushed to the restroom and cried a bit more for the price I had to pay for a silly mistake. When I came out of it, Ravi Anna and Faneel were laughing about something. Before I could go to my seat, the latter stopped me and asked, 'Hey, how about we go boating in the Urivaloor Lake in the evening to take things off your mind?'

'What? Are you serious?' I questioned him blandly.

'Damn serious. Ravi Anna suggested it. We'll make sure we are at the place by 5 PM. So, we'll start at 3.30 and take a cab from here. What say? Are you in?'

Though I was surprised that Faneel would do something like this, like take his colleagues out, I nodded my consent, but then asked, 'What about Malarkodi madam?'

'She told me she can't join as she has to go back home to tend to her daughter.'

'Okay, sir.'

'And I have another request. Can you stop at your home for some time in Tagha and pick up your violin from your house?'

'Why? You want me to play it while boating?'

'Of course, it will be fun. Nature, music, and all.'

'Okay, but we need not stop at my house to take my violin. The lake is near my music academy. I can pick a spare violin from there.'

'Hmmm, that sounds good. Anything to make you feel better.'

So, it was all set. But my mind was gnawing at me with unnecessary thoughts. Why would he do something like this for me if he isn't in love with me?

Stupid Chandni, he is just being nice. Can't you see the difference?

Whatever, I was going to have a good time at the lake with good company, though I cannot quote it as romantic as Ravi Anna was joining us.

We reached Urivaloor Lake pronto at 5 PM. It was already bustling with many tourists trying to get a boat for the last boating schedule. Since Faneel expected this, he had already reserved a deluxe rowing boat that'd be rowed by a professional. He showed our ticket to the clerk who was manning the ticket counter. They sent us inside amidst curious looks from the tourists. We could even hear whispers like 'how did they manage to get a ticket' and 'what is that he showed on his mobile'. But not many knew about the deluxe availability. The facility was used only by the rich and the famous (if they ever wanted to go boating on this lake, I am sure they would have private lakes built for them). I also wondered why Faneel opted for this expensive option.

Before reaching the lake, we stopped the cab at Alaapana Music Academy. I explained to Vinodhini that I'd be needing a spare violin for an hour or two. She was happy to oblige when I told her that I was going to play it while boating. I promised her I'd return it after my expedition.

Once we were settled in our boat, Faneel fished out his mobile phone and clicked a few pictures of the surroundings. All around us looked as if heaven had come down to Earth. He then asked Ravi Anna and me to huddle together so that we could take a selfie. When I moved closer to Faneel, my body reacted differently. I didn't want to touch him accidentally but my body craved his touch. However, I didn't listen to my body and maintained a palm length between us while posing for the selfie. As the rower rowed and our boat moved at a leisurely pace, I brought out the spare violin and tuned it.

Something in me inspired me to play the prelude of Kana Kaanum Kaalangal. Then I jumped to playing Punnagai Mannan BGM. Ravi Anna enjoyed them because he knew the songs but Faneel couldn't relate to them. So I played Show Me The Meaning and his face brightened up immediately. He then requested I compose something on the spot.

'What? Like, now?'

'Yes, now,' he insisted.

I didn't know what made me compose something lilting, whether it was the gentle evening breeze that could freeze someone who didn't wear a sweater, or it was the greenery all around, or it was my unfulfilled longing for Faneel, I didn't know what, but I composed a gentle tune that gave one the feeling of floating on top of a lake with their eyes gazing at the starry sky. Overall, the unrequited love I felt towards Faneel made the piece a haunting melody.

'I am titling it Deep Thirst. Thank you, Faneel sir, for prompting me to compose it. It will go into my upcoming album.'

'That...That was heart-melting! How could you compose such a scintillating tune on the spot?'

I wanted to tell him, It's my love for you that made me compose it, but instead, I told him, 'I just got inspired by everything around me.'

'I see. Will you remember the tune after you reach home?'

'Yes, at least some of it.'

'You need not worry. I have recorded it on my phone. Already sent it to you in WhatsApp.'

I was astonished. This man was unbelievable. Something at that moment prodded me to share my grief with him. I owed him that much, what with cheering me up with cat videos, taking me boating, and inspiring me to compose a new tune.

'I don't know how to thank you, sir,' I almost sang that line. He only flashed a smile in response.

Did God create such a good man? Can anyone else be so humble?

'By the way, I want to share with you what depressed me in the morning.'

'Sure, madam, I am all ears. I will be non-judgemental, will not advise, and will not blame you for anything.'

And then I poured out my sob story to him. He listened patiently without interrupting me. After I finished, he said these words that felt like a warm embrace, 'I know how difficult it must be for you right now. You have all the right to whine about it, cry out, and feel like a mess. Just go ahead and do it. Cry it all out until you think you can heal from it. But you will heal from this and feel better about it one day. We will not find closures the way we want, but they do happen all the time. Doors are always closing even if we cannot hear them close.'

I felt like I'd burst with gratitude for him. For the past decade or so, I had been waiting for a ray of sunshine in my dreary life. And there he was – Faneel Basnet.