Elijah hasn't been doing so well after Dad's funeral. Gwen and I were determined to make everything go smoothly. Dad deserved as much. The whole work crew showed up, plus loads of friends from town came in and I even met tons of Elijah's extended family, which was nice. We held the reception at Jude's Place after the burial. The place was packed. It was nice for everyone to be together and swap stories about Jude Thorne.

Elijah stayed by my side the whole time. I think he used me as a support beam and I let him. I'll let him lean on me for the rest of his life.

I was determined to be there for him through it all. Gwen has been a big help too, staying with Elijah when I had to run to work.

We had planned to re-open the restaurant on my birthday in February of the upcoming new year, so my only focus for the next couple of months was on Elijah, and Elijah only.

And me...I guess. But focusing on Elijah was way easier since if I sat and thought about losing Dad for too long, I think I'd break apart.

"Tobias, I said no!" Elijah slammed his hand on the kitchen table and moved the chicken, broccoli and rice bowl I made for him, spilling some food on the table in the process.

I took in a big breath of air, trying to calm myself down, before breathing out. "Elijah, it's been a few weeks of this. You've got to eat more than a couple of bowls of Cheerios a day. This isn't healthy. You're going to fade away–" I begged, as calmly as I could.

"Good!" He looked at me with tears in his eyes. "I can't do this." He buried his head in his hands.

I wrapped my arms around him, holding him tight.

"You can and you will. It's okay, baby." I soothed him, rubbing his back.

"I feel like I'm never going to be happy again. I feel like I'm going crazy." He sniveled.

"I get what you mean." I nodded my head on his shoulder.

He looked up at me with cloudy eyes.

I kept going. "It feels like...you'll never be 100% happy ever again. As though, there's always going to be a grey cloud that follows you forever." I gave him a half smile.

He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and nodded his head. "Yeah." He breathed, swallowing down some tears.

"You know...your Dad wouldn't want you to give up on yourself. He wanted so much for you." I said.

"I know. It's just so hard." Elijah lowered his head.

I tilted his head back up with my hand so he was looking at me. I rubbed my thumb softly against his cheek.

"So lean on me. Talk to me about it. I'll be here through it all to help you. You're not in this alone." I said, kissing his eyes. I don't care about the dampness on my lips.

"I don't want to be a burden." He hiccuped, leaning his head on my shoulder and grabbing a hold of my arms which were still wrapped around him.

"You could never be. Give me all of the burden you carry. Yours is mine."

"You really mean that?"

"Of course, baby. Just be patient with yourself. It's okay to feel hurt, angry, upset. There's so much to feel because he was such an amazing Dad." I said, squeezing him on the shoulder. I got up to go and grab him another bowl of cereal. Some food is better than none. I'll focus on getting him to eat solids next week.

"How do you know so much about loss?" He sniffled, watching me pour a bowl of milk.

"You know...it's weird. I lost my mom before I was born so I never knew her but I still miss her. Every single day. I wonder what it would've been like to be held by her. To be loved by her. And sometimes, it makes me so upset I can't breathe. Especially when I was younger." I placed the bowl in front of him and sat back down. "But, I remind myself that she's always watching me, and she will always want the best for me." I shrugged.

Elijah licked his lips, thinking my answer over. His mouth opened, hesitating.

"What is it?" I asked.

He moved some cereal around in his bowl with his spoon. "How did...you move past the feeling of dying?" He gulped. "This summer, you told me the summer before, Dad and Gwen saved your life at the water. And then I caught you sinking to the bottom of the lake again this summer. How did you get past that?" He breathed.

I took in a sharp breath. That was a big question to ask that I didn't see coming. But, it was fair. Elijah might be going through similar thoughts right now.

"Both times, I thought I had no one in this world who cared about me. I felt so alone and I felt like I'd be happier if I wasn't here to feel that loneliness. And, both times I was proven instantly wrong. You, your Dad, Gwen, you all saved my life numerous times, and didn't even know it.

Every single day you remind me how lucky I am to be here and to know you. I think about...how many people we've lost in this world and how many we miss every single day. I'd never want to put that pain on someone else who is still here and who loves me, dearly." I looked at him with desperate eyes. I can only hope he understands what I'm trying to say.

He looked me over and nodded his head. "I'd never." He sighed.

I smiled, relieved. "Good. I'd bring you back and kill you all over again and then your Dad would finish the job on the other side." I shook my head.

"Woah!" Elijah laughed, nudging me on the shoulder.

"Too soon? I laughed.

"No." Elijah smiled, shaking his head. "It feels so good to laugh." He exhaled.

I ran my hand through his hair and sat with him as we watched YouTube videos on his phone while we ate.

☀️☀️☀️

The weeks leading up to Christmas went by and Elijah's good days and bad days came in waves.

Nights were filled with him crying in my arms and me soothing him down before he fell asleep. Days were filled with me trying to monitor him getting enough food, taking showers, and joining me for walks.

I wanted him to understand that I got what he was going through but I still didn't want him to collapse into himself.

The truth is, it was hard for him to be here, without Dad. Which I understand, fully. Walking around this childhood home, seeing him in every picture, memories of him in every room. It was a lot.

There will never be a day when we won't miss him.

I shook my head, trying to escape the sad thoughts in my head. Keep focusing on Elijah.

I stirred the pot of gravy on the stove and checked back into the living room over my shoulder where he was lying on the couch, watching The Office repeats on TV. Dad loved that show.

All of a sudden, a knock at the door, echoed through the halls.

"That's probably Gwen! Can you grab the door, baby?" I called out, mashing the potatoes.

Elijah walked to the door and I overheard the two of them greeting each other.

"Hey, darling. This is for you. Oh, it's hot! Careful." I heard her giggle.

"Just in the kitchen! Come on in." I said.

Elijah came in, holding a big bowl of corn, sweet potatoes, and a homemade Taco Turkey Empanadas.

"Oh, Gwen. You didn't have to do all of this." I said, giving her a smooch on the cheek. She carried in a pumpkin pie and set it on the counter.

"Nonsense. I told you we were going to have a great Christmas feast. That's what we're doing." She smiled, clasping her hands together.

Elijah leaned on the doorframe looking over all of the food. Gwen took notice of him being so quiet. She's been trying to come over as often as she could but Elijah has more or less wanted to be left alone when I'm not around. So instead, she's been passing by, dropping off food, or cleaning the house while he's in bed asleep. She's been concerned about him.

"Elijah, it's so nice to you." She said, placing her hands on his cheeks. He gave her a soft smile, as she combed through his hair, sleeking it back to how he usually likes it. He hasn't been styling it much lately.

"It's nice to see you too." He breathed in.

"Okay, dinner is almost set and ready. The turkey just needs a second to rest and we can dig in!" I smiled, taking the beautiful, juicy, steaming hot turkey out of the oven. Elijah helped me make room on the table before I set the lovely bird down on the table.

"Now that's a good-looking turkey." I sighed, placing my hands on my hips to admire my work.

Elijah slipped over to me, wrapping his arms around my waist. I was shocked at the sudden affection but quickly remembered that it's usually how he always was. I lived for the small moments when we allowed him to feel happy like this.

"Thank you." He whispered into my chest.

"Of course." I kissed him lovingly on the side of his head. "Okay." I clapped my hands together.

"Tonight, we feast!" I said, pointing up to the sky.

☀️☀️☀️

Dinner was as delicious as it looked. I really outdid myself on the turkey and Gwen's dishes were amazing too.

"I'm going to go and lay down for a second," Elijah said, motioning to the stairwell.

"Yeah, of course. I'll save you a slice of pie for tomorrow." I smiled.

"Night, Elijah." Gwen smiled and waved.

"Night." He nodded, walking upstairs.

I took a deep breath in and returned to rinsing off our plates in the sink before placing them in the dishwasher.

"He barely touched his plate, I noticed." Gwen got to work wrapping up the leftovers.

"Yeah. We're working on solid foods." I muttered.

"How's he been doing?" She asked.

"It comes in waves. Mostly it's been rough though." I shrugged.

"Understandably so." She nodded, taking out a fork and dipping it in the pumpkin pie before wrapping it up. "I think he needs to speak to someone." She said, taking her bite.

I looked up at her. "He's got me to talk to."

"Yeah? And how are you, Tobias?"

"I'm fine." I shrugged.

"No." She walked over to me, placing her hands on either side of my cheeks, forcing me to look at her right in the eyes. "How are you?"

I thought about all the times Jude would ask me that. He really would see me as a person and now he's gone. I've suddenly had to deal with everything all at once all over again and I feel more alone now than I ever have before because Elijah is back to being a shell of himself.

Once again, I'm alone.

I miss him so badly. I miss them both so badly.

"I'm not doing okay," I said truthfully. Water tipped out of my eyes and streamed down my face. She wiped them up quickly with her thumbs and brought me into a tight hug.

"None of us are doing okay, honey. And you know what? That's okay." She rubbed my back.

"I need to be strong for him." I sniffled.

"Even strong people feel weak sometimes. We all need support especially when times get really really hard. This isn't easy and no one expects you to be everything all at once. You need to feel too. You lost him too." She whimpered.

I couldn't help but feel my heart drop. I did lose him too.

I held on to her tightly, feeling her sobs at the same time as mine.

"Let me get you boys someone to talk to. I'll set it up. You don't have to worry about anything. Just go." She stammered.

I nodded my head. I think I've known for a while that to get Elijah feeling better, I need him to talk to someone professional. That's what Dad would've done. Maybe he won't ever feel back to 100% but he'll at least feel better enough to keep going.

"Okay." I agreed. "You're right." 

☀️

Authors Note: 

We love Gwen -- what would we have done without her?