Chapter 25 Head on Collision

Tommy

"Tommy, calm down, I'm fine baby." Standing next to a bed in an Emergency Room examination room, I begin to shake as Casey tries to convince me he's okay. As much as he tells me he's fine, it won't sink in; if he was fine would he be in that bed? Tonight has been horrible, waiting hours for him, thinking the worst and then the call from a nurse at the ER, I almost keeled over. Luckily Payton was there to steady me and then drive me here to the hospital, because there was no way I could have done it.

I'd stayed at the club until well after 2:00 a.m., Master Matthias had just come to find out what was wrong when he heard I was sitting in the locker room crying on Payton's shoulder.

"I just have a concussion, they want to keep me here a few more hours, but it's just for observation then I can go home. Sit down, you look like you're about to drop. I can't have you getting a concussion too." I look around and pull up a small chair from the corner of the curtained off area. Sitting down, I can't hold it in any longer and let loose; almost 6 hours of pent up tears pouring down my face, choking from trying to hold in loud sobs. "Shh, shh, baby, don't cry. It's okay, come on, you can see for yourself!" Casey leans forward, watching me desperately.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, reaching for a kleenex from the stand next to him. "I...I was so worried. I thought..." I choke out another sob, "I thought..."

"Excuse me nurse, is there a kid with bright red hair sitting out in the waiting room?" Casey interrupts as a woman in scrubs walks in.

"Yes, would you like me to get him?"

"Yes, please, if you don't mind." Casey pulls me into his chest while I try to catch my breath and stop crying.

"Um, hi Casey," Payton says as he walks in. "I'm really glad you're okay. Tommy, well, all of us, were really worried about you."

"Thanks Payton. And thank you for driving Tommy here. I'm glad he didn't get behind a wheel."

"It's okay, I never would have let him drive himself," he says shrugging.

"Listen Payton, Tommy's exhausted. I'd like you to drive him to my place and put him to bed.."

"Casey, it's okay, I want to stay. I'll just worry more if you make me leave."

"No baby, you need to get some rest. I'll join you at my place in a few hours."

"No Casey, I'm not leaving here until you do, there's just no discussion about it," I insist. Dom or no Dom, I'm not going!

"I'm sorry Casey, I know Tommy," Payton says, "he's not going to let me take him away. Haven't you figured out he's stubborn as a..."

"Payton!"

"Sorry Tommy." Payton blushes and looks down, hiding a smirk. "Listen, I'll go get him something to eat and some coffee. He gets really emotional when he's hungry, if I get him some food that will help and then, when they let you go, I'll drive you both back to your place."

Casey's lips turn down into a frown as his brows furrow, "You must be exhausted too, we can just take a cab."

"No way, I'm fine. Tomorrow's Saturday, I can sleep in. Tommy's always there for me, I want to stay and be here for him...but don't worry, I won't be in your way, I'll stay in the waiting room so you guys can you know...cuddle or do whatever you need to do."

I let out a small laugh, which makes me feel a bit better.

"Okay," Payton says, smiling at me, "I'll be right back. Casey, do you want something too? Food, coffee? Are you allowed to eat?"

"No coffee Payton, that'll just make my head hurt even more, but some food would be great. Maybe a blueberry muffin or something like that."

"I'm on it! I won't be long." Payton goes running out and I turn back to Casey.

"Well, if you're staying, I don't want you sitting in that uncomfortable chair. Get up here, there's plenty of room," Casey says moving over, but catches his breath, wincing in obvious discomfort.

"Casey! You're in pain! You shouldn't move!"

"No, I'm just really sore. The doctor said I would be for a few days. The impact of the seatbelt when my body was thrown forward, not to mention the damn airbags going off. I'll probably have a huge bruise down my chest. But I'm fine and I'll be better when you get that ass up here. Dr. Payton said we had to cuddle."

Casey's big grin makes me feel ten times better, plus, I really do want to cuddle him so I quickly stand up, kick off my shoes and carefully climb into bed next to him.

I guess I dozed off because when I wake up I see a couple of coffee cups, one full bottle of water, one half empty and all sorts of food spread out on the rolling table next to the bed.

"Hey sleepy," Casey says softly.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have fallen asleep."

"Yes, you should have. And having your warm body next to me is helping my sore muscles relax."

"Where's Payton?"

"I think he's just out in the waiting room, he seemed uncomfortable sitting in here with us so I told him it was okay to wait there. Look, he brought you coffee and hot chocolate, water...and went a little crazy on the snacks," he says, chuckling.

"Yeah, Payton likes his snacks." I look over and see two muffins, chocolate chip cookies, a king-size snickers, granola bars and a bunch of bananas, including one empty peel so I know Casey has at least had a banana and half a bottle of water. I sit up and Casey rolls the special hospital table over the bed so I can reach. I check the cups and choose the hot chocolate, which is lukewarm now, but still tastes good. I really want one of the cookies, but I feel a bit self-conscious in front of my boyfriend, the health-nut, so I pick up a blueberry muffin instead. In truth, the store bought muffins are probably no better than the cookies, but it's the optics of the matter.

"How long did I sleep?"

"Almost 2 hours, the nurse was here a little while ago and will come back shortly with discharge papers."

"Oh, I kind of have to pee, so I'll go and then tell Payton we're leaving soon."

"Okay babe, hurry back so I don't miss you too much."

I feel my cheeks heat up as I lean over and brush my lips against his, pressing down just a little stronger when I hear him hum appreciatively. "There, that should tide you over."

I climb out of the bed as he lets out a deep chuckle and head off through the emergency area. I spot a bathroom first and once I've finished I walk out into the waiting room. Payton is sitting cross legged on a chair with his eyes fixed on his phone, probably reading one of the books he gets addicted to all the time. His shoes are on the floor in front of him and on the next chair is an empty shopping bag, candy wrappers, a crumpled piece of cellophane like the one the muffins came in and a few more of the individually wrapped chocolate chip cookies (which he and I have a nasty addiction to). I notice a few empty cookie wrappers that have fallen on the floor so I pick them up, grab the rest of the empty wrappers off the chair and bring them to a nearby garbage can.

When I return Payton is looking up at me. "How's the Case-ster?"

"He's good. He can leave as soon as his nurse gets back with the paperwork."

"That's great!"

"I'm sorry you had to sit out here all this time, I fell asleep," I say, letting out a nervous chuckle.

"It's fine Tommo, I've been reading!" Grinning from ear to ear he holds up his phone opened up to a reading screen, "I barely noticed the time."

"Thanks bud. Listen, I'll go help Casey and we'll be out in a few minutes."

"Awesome. I'll be ready." Payton scoops up all the uneaten snacks putting them in the bag before looking up again, giving me his trademark lopsided grin. "Go get your man dude!"

I spend most of the next few days at Casey's, waiting on my sexy boyfriend and seeing to all his needs. And I stress, 'ALL' his needs. Luckily he doesn't live far from campus so I can still go to my classes and study sessions.

I stop off at the dorm to get some books I need from my desk before heading back to make dinner for Casey. As soon as I walk into our room, I see Payton, who never showed up at our study group this afternoon I might add, sitting on his bed staring at his tablet with tears streaming down his face.

"Payton! What's wrong, did something happen?"

"It's over, it's finally over and I don't want it to be..."

Oh no.

"What's over? What are you talking about?" I wrack my brain? Is he finally breaking down about Remy? I thought he was past that.

"They got married..." he says with a sniff as snot drips out of his nose.

"Who Payton, who?"

Payton holds up his tablet, shaking it, like I should know that it holds the key to all the questions in the universe.

"Finn and Nico!" I can hear the 'D'uh!' he's suppressing.

"Who," I pause, taking in a deep breath, "are Finn and Nico?"

He looks at me, red eyes blazing before he flops back down on the bed. "Never mind...just the most romantic couple since...Cameron and Christian...or...or..."

"Pay..."

"Sora and Jed," he whispers thoughtfully.

"Pay, I'm sorry, I don't know who any of these people are. I'm sorry you're sad..."

"It's just been....like this long journey, so much happened...and now it's over. I'll miss them."

"So these are like characters in the books you read?"

"Mhm."

"Is this why you didn't come to study group today?"

"The epilogue posted right before I was supposed to leave...and it was long!" he objects.

"Pay? Do I need to be worried about you?"

Just then the door flies open and Tai runs in, his eyes red and his normal beautiful creamy complextion looking oddly pale and blotchy for a person with his skin tone. "Tai? What are you doing here, what happened?" I ask.

"I stayed up all night," he replies before looking at Payton. "Pay, I just finished. I can't believe it. It was...so perfect."

"Oh my god, not you too!" I scoff.

"Payton sent me the link to the first book yesterday, I read it through non-stop...and then when it ended...I mean...it was horrible. He said I had to read the sequel or I'd be scarred for life, so I read through the night. It's like I'm happy, but I'm sad..."

"Don't worry Tai, I have lots more for you to read...there's Skyler and Diesel, Kainder, Silrek, Benjax, Delliott, oh my god! The twins, Emerson and Emery!!!"

"Oh my god," I mutter, shaking my head.

"Okay," Tai jumps in, "I gotta go, I'm meeting Ash, just send me the links..."

"Okay Tai, see ya! Say hi to Ash!" Payton calls out and I just watch in wonder as he runs out the door.

"I feel so emotionally drained," Payton sighs, flopping back down on his bed dramatically.

"That's it!" I walk over and pick up the tablet laying on his chest. "I'm keeping this until Friday afternoon. I happen to know you have a project due in two days that you haven't started and we have that exam next week which you were supposed to be studying for with our group this afternoon."

"Tommy, no!" He looks at me with a pained expression.

"Yes Payton, it's for your own good! You need to maintain a B average to keep your scholarship and I know you'd hate yourself if you lost it and had to ask your Dad for tuition."

"True," he sighs overdramatically. Sometimes I think his major should be drama instead of Physical Therapy.

I walk over to his desk to grab his books so I can make sure he starts studying and see an envelope postmarked New York City. "Is this the letter you told me about?"

"Mhm."

"And you read it with Master Kael?"

"Yeah, I didn't know if I wanted to, but he said I should read it, to get closure...you know, put the whole thing behind me once and for all. Get questions answered so I'm not left wondering. I asked Master Kael to read it with me. I know it sounds, maybe, I don't know, wimpy, but I wanted him to be able to help me figure out what to do, if there was anything to do, not that there really is..."

"It's not wimpy Payton. That's why you have a Dom, to help you deal with things that weigh on your mind. Take the pressure off of you, relieve you of everyday burdens...so what did he say, Master Kael?"

"He didn't really say anything, he just asked me how I felt about it all."

"How do you feel about it?"

"I don't know...it kind of doesn't matter. I have a Master, even if it's only for a month, I'm just focusing on Master Kael for right now. I don't want to worry about what might or might not happen. Mostly, I...I don't want to get hurt again. Master Kael makes me feel safe. We both know exactly how we feel about each other and when we part ways, it will be as friends. I know he cares about me, about my well-being. He's great, he's....sexy, and...he...makes me feel good about myself," Payton lets out a deep chuckle, "I get hard just thinking about him." Turning more serious he adds, "I just don't have the energy to ride an emotional roller coaster Tommy. I'm not healed enough to take the risk so soon. My heart is safe with Master Kael, it's not safe with..."

"Remy."

"Yeah."

"Can I read the letter?"

"Mhm, go for it."

I pick up the letter and sit down on my bed.

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January 2nd

The Four Seasons, New York

Dear Payton,

I can't imagine what you must think of me right now, I wish I had an opportunity to explain while I was still in Chicago. I do understand why you didn't take any of my calls and maybe my explanation won't mean anything, but I need to try.

Right now I'm sure you believe that Fabien is my collared submissive, but that is only partly correct. First I must explain that things are different at the club I belong to in Paris, as it is in many clubs in Europe. Some are very similar to the Red Door, but some are radically different. It will be hard to explain this in a way that doesn't make me or the other members seem indecent, but please remember that our practices are consensual, safe and sane.

The club I belong to is called Ludus. The Dom's support the club by each sponsoring at least one submissive, (some have several), but they are not their submissive in the same way as at the Red Door. We look out for them and pay their membership, but they are free to scene with other Doms and we may share them among the group, for example, trade, loan, or we may simply play with our sub ourselves. I apologize; to you it must sound very barbaric. It was very exciting when I first finished my training and entered the lifestyle. In some ways it was a safe way to have fun, go wild and explore your sexuality because every member is tested regularly and must maintain high standards of "prophylactic" care outside of the club.

Fabien was assigned to me about 9 months ago. I had just joined and he was in need of a Dom. We have no feelings for each other outside of what normal friends would have. I pay for his membership, make sure he has what he needs to maintain a healthy lifestyle and when I am in need of someone to play with, he is there, or, when I want to play with another sub, I can offer Fabien to their owner as compensation.

Please do not hate me. The lifestyle here is just different. People stay in it as long as it works for them and when it no longer does, they move on to practices more in line with those at the Red Door. The truth of the matter is, I was tiring of this arrangement and when my contract with Fabien is over in March, I was planning on giving up my membership. You may not believe me, but that is the truth.

While I was in the U.S., another Dom at Ludus, a friend, had agreed to take care of Fabien until I returned. Jean Claude had to fly to New York unexpectedly and Fabien, who can be very persuasive, convinced Jean Claude to let him accompany him and, while he was tied up in business meetings for a few days, he would take a shuttle to Chicago to "surprise" me. Jean Claude does not always think things through and unfortunately, agreed. That is how it came to be that Fabien showed up that unfortunate evening.

I can never apologize enough for his timing, but I can only say that anything and everything I shared with you was sincere. You are a beautiful boy and the first submissive that excited me in very many ways since I became a Dominant. I know I should have told you about my previous arrangement. It should have been your decision to continue based on that knowledge and I will forever feel the regret of watching the look on your face as it crumbled before me. Your pain is imprinted on my heart where it will always remain. I am not writing to ask for your forgiveness, I certainly don't deserve it. I would only hope that you will read this, understand and realize that it was completely my fault, you are not to blame. You did nothing wrong, on the contrary, there is something so right about you that it almost pains me to think about.

I must tell you some additional news as well. Something my cousin Matthias may only be finding out by the time you receive this. Christophe, Matthias' brother, has offered me a position in his firm located in Chicago. It is a great opportunity for many reasons; a significant promotion, more interesting challenges, a financial step up, eventual share ownership and a chance to work side by side with my younger cousin, with whom I am very close. Christophe and I have been in negotiations for a few weeks, but as he had not discussed it with Matthias yet, I was not at liberty to divulge this information.

Payton, I have accepted his offer and will be returning to Chicago toward the end of January, once I have tied up loose ends in France. Jean Claude has agreed to take over Fabien's contract, effective immediately and once we return to France in a few days, I will not be seeing him anymore and will not be returning to Ludus.

I am not holding any expectations regarding us. I'm sure any chance of a relationship has been ruined, that is, if Matthias even allows me in his club again. I only wish to let you know, so you are not once again blindsided by my actions. If you are able to forgive me, I would like to see you again, talk to you, answer any questions and offer you my heartfelt apology in person. Perhaps it's an unrealistic hope, but if there was ever any chance of starting over, well, it would mean so much to me.

Happy New Year Payton Johns.

Affectueusement, mon petit renard,

Remy

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"What does the French part say?"

"With affection and then he calls me his little fox...that was a nickname he gave me."

"Wow Payton. He says he's coming back."

"It doesn't change anything Tommy. I'll just end up getting hurt again. I don't want to see him."

"I know Pay. It'll be okay. Just...do what you need to do. Master Kael's a good man and smart. He'll help you, give you good advice, and Master Matthias too. If you don't want to see him, they'll figure something out. Don't feel pressured, as much as I thought Master Remy was perfect for you, I may have been wrong. I don't ever want to see you hurt again."

"Thanks Tommy."

"Has Master Matthias seen this?"

"Not yet, but Master Kael suggested I show him. So I'll bring it with me when I work in the office tomorrow afternoon. I just don't want to be the cause of some kind of riff between them. Remy's his cousin after all."

"I don't think it will make anything worse. Remy probably already told all this to Master Matthias anyway. But it's important for you to be upfront with him, he's the head Dom and he needs to know and that way he knows how to protect you too."

"Yup. That's what Master Kael said. Not to change the subject, but, changing the subject, how's Master Casey?"

"He's good, much better. Still sore, but my magic massages have been helping," I say holding up my hands and wiggling my fingers. "Speaking of which, I'm heading over there now, sorry I haven't been around much lately, as soon as he's all healed I'll be back."

"It's okay Tommy, I understand."

"Thanks Pay, I've gotta run. Be good, work on that project!"

"I will Tommo, have fun, say hello to Casey!"

"Will do!"

"Caio!"

"Ciao ciao mi amigo!"