My mind is in a really dark place right now. It feels like I'm looking at the world through a black and white lens that I can't remove. It's like the only things I see around are the bad stuff, like murder, rape, terrorism. At this point it feels like it's following me everywhere I go. Everywhere I look, everything is corrupt by the darkness we call society.

I'm writing this at half eleven at night, and I should be asleep right now, but I'm not. I'm too paralysed by the fear that someone is going to break into my house and murder me in my sleep. I know it's not going to happen, but the consistent creaks and clicks of the house only fuel my fear. That's why I always try to be the first one asleep, so that I have the reassurance that I can fall asleep safely, with the warm light of my family members bedrooms shining, comforting me. But today, I failed. I was not the first one asleep, I was one of the last. So now I've just accepted fate. I know I'm not going to go to sleep for a while tonight.

One particular murder case has been on my mind constantly recently- the murder of deedee blanchard. For some reason, this case won't get out of my damn mind. I think we can all agree it's an interesting case, but it's as if my mind is obsessing over it. This isn't helping my black and white lens; it's only making it worse.

I can't comprehend that there are people out there who happily abuse and murder people. Why. Why would anyone ever do that? Who knows.

Basically, long story short, I have a huge fear of death, and I don't know how to deal with it.