I'M SO DONE WITH THIS RIGHT NOW I CANT DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE ITS TOO MUCH. I CANT STAND IT WHEN PEOPLE ARE CONSTANTLY TELLING ME THAT IM NOT LOUD ENOUGH AND I NEED TO EXPRESS MYSELF MORE. I DONT WANT TO EXPRESS MY SELF BECUASE I KNOW IF I DO I WILL HURT EVERYONE AROUND ME AND I DONT WANT THAT I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO BE HAPPY AND I DON'T WANT PITY I WANT TO BE STRONG I WANT TO GET THROUGH IT MYSELF BECAUSE IM TOO SCARED OF OTHER PEOPLE. I HATE THE FACT THAT THERE ARE NIGHTS WHERE I LAY IN BED WISHING I DIDN'T EXIST I WISH THESE THOUGHTS WOULD GO AWAY BUT THEY DON'T. I WISH I COULD BE THE HAPPY KID I USED TO BE BUT NOW IM JUST AN INSIGNIFICANT HUMAN. JUST A SPECK OF DUST ON THE EARTH THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT OR NOTICES. I TRY SO HARD TO BE HAPPY AROUND EVERYONE BUT THAT SHIT IS EXHAUSTING. I WISH I COULD JUST LIVE LIFE AS A NORMAL PERSON WHO ISN'T QUIET OR DEATHLY AFRAID OF PEOPLE. THIS ISN'T ANYONES FAULT. I DONT WANT PEOPLE TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH MY DEMONS. I DONT WANT TO SCARE PEOPLE BY TELLING THEM THERE ARE NIGHTS WHERE I WISH I COULD JUST DISAPPEAR. I DON'T WANT TO SEE MY MOTHER BREAK DOWN IN TEARS BECAUSE SHE'S BLAMING HERSELF FOR MY MISFORTUNE. THATS THE ONLY REASON I HIDE IT. I WISH  I WASN'T A FAT UGLY GIRL WHO IS SO SELF CONSCIOUS THAT THE THOUGHT OF GOING OUTSIDE TERRIFIES HER. I JUST GET ON WITH IT BECAUSE I HAVE TO TO KEEP EVERYONE ELSE HAPPY. i WANT TO GET HELP, BUT I DON'T. IM SCARED THAT THIS IS ALL JUST AN OVERREACTION FOR ATTENTION. IM SCARED THAT IM JUST A WIMP, A CRYBABY, AN IDIOT WHO IS JUST A BURDEN TO OTHERS. 

why is it so hard to be happy.