– Sunday, June 4th, 2018 –

Finnley insisted on walking to the restaurant. It's a good twenty-minute walk, but he assured he was feeling strong enough to walk that far. He insisted, because he said he could use a bit of fresh air, and we could always call my parents to come and pick us up if needed.

So, I agreed, and we started walking.

We walked hand-in-hand, talking about sweet little nothings; and mostly about childhood memories whenever we passed a spot that holds a memory.

Like the candy-story that is around the corner to my house, the ditch that separates our neighbourhood, and the next, where we always used to go and try to catch fish, or frogs, or anything else we'd find.

We talked about the kitten we once found in the bushes, that was picked up by its owner the same day – while Finnley and I had been bickering about who was allowed to take it home if nobody would pick it up.

We walked past the playground and of course we talk about how we met, and how we used to play in the playground for hours on end with our friends, or just the two of us.

Mainly the two of us, because nobody could ever keep up with us and the stories or adventures we came up with, because we were completely focused on each other.

It feels as if nothing is wrong and we're just two young adults on their way to a date. Just normal, untroubled people.

There's a lot going on though, but I don't want to think about that right now.

We're seated in the restaurant, and I really just want to have a fun night out with Finnley and be happy for a change.

Since it is Finnley who's with me, feeling happy isn't that hard, because every time he smiles or laughs, my heart flutters, my stomach flips and I feel all warm and giddy.

"Your most embarrassing memory." Finnley cocks his head and send me an amused smile.

"The moment I threw up when I was about to kiss Eva. I wanted to die."

"Oh, good one. She wanted to kill you for ruining her dress."

"Guess Eva and I both wanted me dead that night." I let out a laugh and he chuckles, nodding in agreement.

"I remember Jaimie kept reminding you of it for weeks and I wished I was there to see it, but then he showed me the video and I kind of felt bad for you."

"Were you already in love with me back then?"

"Yes." Finnley shrugs. "I think I knew something was different about my feelings for you when I was thirteen. I figured out my sexuality that year, but didn't really know what to do with it for a while and just hoped it would go away."

"I wish you would've felt safe enough to tell me before."

"Do you think you would've realised your feelings sooner if I did?"

"I don't know, would you have acted upon them sooner if I would've known?"

"Cris, darling, I already acted upon it. You just don't remember."

I squint my eyes, sending him an annoyed look. "When?"

"I don't know? A couple of months before shit went down? Emma's party. I kissed you when you were drunk, and you shoved me away. I thought you were going to punch me square in the face, but you kissed me back. If Emma wouldn't have interfered, I don't know when I would've stopped you."

"Ugh, Emma..."

"She is ill, Cris..."

"I know, but she interfered."

Finnley laughs loudly over my remark, and it creates a new wave of feelings to wash over me.

"We kissed again later."

"At your home, your bedroom. I do remember that."

"You do? Because you were hammered back then. You kissed me and I wanted to let you do whatever you wanted, but then I got scared and slept in the guestroom instead."

"Why did you get scared?"

"What if you remembered the next morning, and ended our friendship because of it?"

"What if I would've remembered, realised I was in love with you, and we would've been together that day?"

"To me, that scenario was highly unlikely."

"Right, I guess I can understand what you thought back then."

We chat away some more, asking the same stupid questions we always used to ask each other, and remembering more childhood memories the entire night.

Normally, I would've drank a beer or two during dinner, but since Finnley isn't allowed to drink alcohol, I stuck to water along with him.

I know he wouldn't mind if I drank, but it's the small gestures I can show to be a bit more romantic than I usually am.

...That there's this highly romantic side to you, even though you claim romance is dead. Because romance, when thinking about you, is in the little things, the little actions...

I clearly remember the words written on a blank paper, in Finnley's ever so clean handwriting. A handwriting I would recognize anywhere and anytime.

...P.S. I had to keep myself from signing this letter as Finn Evans. But that is an awesome name, huh? ;) I'm just to ecstatic about going home, to you, any day now...

I stare at Finnley, as a memory of a letterhewrote to meresurfaces and I can't, for the life of me, figure out when he wrote it, and when I read it.

Was it the first time he was gone, or the second?

Though I know by now, during the first time, we weren't together, so him calling himself Finn Evans wouldn't make any sense.

Which means a more recent memory came back out of the blue.

"When did you write me a letter?"

Finnley stops eating his spare-rib, staring at me dumb-founded for a short while, before he puts down the rub and wipes his mouth and hands with a napkin. "I wrote multiple things over the year. What are you referring to?"

"You wanted to sign it as Finn Evans. When did you write that?"

His eyebrows fly up and he stares at me intently for a while, before he smiles. "Last March. But I know you haven't received the letter until late April."

"What was in it? I know you said romance, when thinking about me, is in the little things I do. What else was in it?"

"It was a lot of incoherent blabbering on my behalf. I was a bit delirious when I wrote it. But I basically talked about things I liked about you, things that you did, things that I kept reminding myself of to get through the whole situation. To keep going. And I promised to come home soon after that, and how I..." he swallows his words, shortly looks down, and mumbles something I didn't catch.

"What? How you what?"

"How eh... I couldn't wait to get back home, to you, wherever that may be."

"Sweet." I smirk, knowing he wrote that down too. "I want to read it again. I remember some of it, but I want to know which little things you like so much."

"I can tell you the things too."

"I guess you could."

"Your humour. It's stupid, but it's hilarious too. And I like how you're all brawny and protective over me – always have been...

"Always will be."

He smiles, sighing in content. "How you're oblivious to a lot, but a lot smarter than people would think when they can't read between the lines. How you can be very pig-headed, unless it's with me. You always accept everything I say and do, and you never doubt anything about it."

I chuckle, because I think he's listing all the things I dislike about myself. I know I can be dense, oblivious, obnoxious and pig-headed – I can't stop myself from being like that – but I don't particularly flaunt those qualities around with pride.

To hear him say it's what he likes most about me, makes it slightly less bad that I am like that.

"Now you, what do you like about me?"

"Everything, Finn. Everything."

"Noo!" He laughs out a little, shaking his head. "What do you like most."

"Your laugh. But that's rather cliché."

"Think of something less cliché. Unless it's truly what you like most about me."

"I like how you can endlessly discuss things you find interesting. You haven't done that a lot in a while, but I always liked it when you did."

He snorts, and I know he always used to do that whenever I told him I liked that about him. But it's simply true. I loved to listen to him endlessly debating or discussing things he learned during the day, while we were chilling in either of our rooms.

* * * * *

After dinner, we walked to the river that passes our town close by and walked along side of it for a while. We sat down in the moonlight, close to each other because the temperature is dropping a bit during the night.

We talked, we laughed, we kissed.

We just were.

We just are.

Nothing else.

We just exist in this moment together, without thinking about any worries or troubles. I think I haven't felt closer to him ever before. I don't think we've ever been on the same line as much as we are tonight.

Without ever agreeing on it, or voicing the wish to just be, we just are.

And I really don't want to go home and end what I think is safe to call the best night of my life so far, Finnley eventually leans into my hold, sighing deeply – exhausted.

"I think I'm ready to go home."

"Getting tired?"

"Long passed the stage of tired. Think we can call your mom or dad to pick us up?"

"Bu-but..." I bite my lip, really being dead-set on walking a bit more. "Can we walk?"

"You want to walk? I'm really tired... But if you want to walk, I can try and see how far I can make it."

I really wouldn't ask him to walk in his current situation, if I didn't have one last thing planned for the night.

And going home wasn't that.

"Let's walk and see how long you're going to be okay."

He nods, smiles, leans in to kiss me on the lips, and then lets me help him up onto his feet again. He seems a bit shaky, and I do contemplate on calling my parents anyway, but he already started walking.

And if we walk in a similar speed as we did on our way here, we'll be walking for a little over five minutes.

After that, I don't mind calling my parents.

So, I'm thankful he agreed on walking for the simple reason I wanted to walk. But it's a silent walk, with our hands entwined again. But I think Finnley is too tired to talk while walking, and I want him to save his energy as much as possible.

He's relieved when we're walking by the playground, and I pull him onto the grounds, letting him take a seat at a bench.

"Can we please call your parents?" He mumbles, before he sighs deeply yet again. It's as if he's trying to get in a bit more air.

"Just sit and rest, take a minute, and I'll call my parents."

He nods and smiles thankfully, while I retrieve my phone, walking away and to the sand-pit. I do call my parents, and ask them to pick us up in ten minutes, at the playground. In the mean time, I doodle in the sand with a smile.

"Had enough of walking?" dad asks amused. "Took you long enough."

"Finn is getting tired."

"Then why ten more minutes? The playground is a minute drive."

"Because... I don't want it to end yet. Give me ten more minutes alone with Finn."

He sighs deeply, but agrees, and I hang up the phone.

"What are you doodling?" Finnley curiously asks, appearing in my peripheral vision with a smile on his face, but holding his left right side with a hand.

"Is it hurting?" I ask, shielding my creation in the sand by stepping in front of him.

"A bit soar, just tired..." He shrugs, and I pull him in my hold.

"Dad will pick us up in ten minutes."

"Good."

"But Finn?" I whisper, holding him close, swaying us from left to right a bit. "I love you."

"I know, I love you too."

"I really do, Finn." I mutter, pulling him forwards, turning towards the sand-pit to show him the childish drawing of a heart, and our names in the sand.

"Aawh, how sweet." He chuckles. "This is where we met, you know."

"And where we first kissed while we were both sober." I nod. "And Finn?" I turn towards him. "This is where I'm going to promise you, that I will love you now and forever."

He smiles, but I see there's a bit of wonder in his eyes. Wondering what this is about.

The wonder is gone, replaced by surprise and shock, as I kneel down before him, retrieving the small black box from my pocket.

"What, Cris!?"

"Finny Christoffer Lund, will you make me the happiest man on earth? Will you marry me?"

He stares shock-written, as I open the box to reveal the ring, trembling with nerves because – though I do not expect to be turned down – he could turn me down.

He's shivering and shaking in exhaustion and cold, and maybe because he's nervous too, but then he nods, smiles, a tear rolls down his cheek and he makes me the happiest man on earth.

"Yes, Cristian Jacob Evans, I'll marry you."

A/N Thanks for reading The Struggle For Love! Please leave comments and votes <3

And now that I have your attention anyway; I'm participating in this years NaNoWriMo and I'll have to write 50k words by the end of the month. The novel is out now and is called Bilateral. I would very much appreciate it if all of you would come over and support my NaNo novel <3 (Find it on my page)